Expanding the Relationship
by theheathen42
Summary: Resurrected after 5 (!) years (!) - A dangerously humourous look at the lives and loves of the CSI department through the minds of Danny and Lindsay, using the episodes as a backdrop. SPOILERS: s2e3-17
1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:** This story got really long, really fast. Also, since I had no real plan when I started it, it got waaaay out of control. That's not necessarily a bad thing or anything, but I really need to kind of rein it in a bit. This is my attempt at re-writing or editing it so that things can hopefully be a bit shorter, clearer, and maybe even funnier. If possible. We'll see.

**Chapter One: First Impressions**

Lindsay Monroe had barely walked into the CSI lab of the NYPD before she was told to turn right around and go out again. She had a case, already, at the Central Park Zoo. She took a deep breath and, checking that the kit she'd received was fully stocked, reentered the elevator and withdrew her map of New York from her purse. She'd only arrived in New York a few days before and hadn't even had time to find an apartment yet, let alone figure out her way around the city. Setting her jaw, she refused to let go of her nervous good mood. She'd wanted change, and she was getting it.

-------------------------

_Boy, when I want change, I really get __**change**_, Lindsay thought as she approached the tiger cage. Inside, she saw two men. The younger one was taking pictures of the scene and the older one, no doubt her shift supervisor, was inspecting the jaws of a sleeping tiger without the slightest sign of fear. Pasting a smile on her face, she approached him.

"Detective Taylor?"

The man looked up briefly before returning to the tiger, "Yeah."

"Lindsay Monroe."

_How can he be so calm with his hands in the mouth of a tiger that is quite literally a man-eater and whose teeth are bigger than my __**head**_ She only half-paid attention to their conversation as she tried to take in the man and the tiger and the fact that she was now a full-fledged New York CSI on her first case. She wanted to jump right in and start processing, immediately. Her adrenaline was pumping, due to fear or excitement or nerves or all three, and she needed an outlet for all of that energy.

"Danny's got that covered."

"That'd be me, Danny Messer. Howyadoin?" Danny held out his hand and took a look at the young woman who'd be replacing Aiden. _Gimme a break. Stiff breeze'd knock her over. She'd prolly puke if she had to take the pictures._

Lindsay turned and smiled at the friendly face of the young man she'd seen earlier. _That accent's going to take some getting used to, but he's kinda cute._ "Hi"

Not wanting him to see the new girl scared, she put on her most professional exterior. He did make her worried with that comment about Mac sensing her fear, though. _Is he just messing with me?_ Looking at Mac, she couldn't really tell, but the fact that he took her nervous trivia-spouting so kindly, she figured Danny was just trying to spook her.

"Oh yeah," Danny added, barely able to contain his mischievous grin. "Don't forget to call him sir." _That should piss him off, nicely._

-------------------------_  
_

"Can I help?" Danny asked as he watched Lindsaysearching the lab for something.

"No thank you. You helped enough already this morning." _Punk jackass._

"Oookay." _Eesh. You have a little fun with the new kid and she gets all in a huff. Some people just can't take a joke._

He started processing the tape from the victim's hand, but he couldn't help but look up every once in a while to watch what she was doing. _She'd better be damned good if she's gonna try and come in here after Aiden._ He looked up again and caught her looking back. _Prolly trying to pick up some tips from the master._ Though he had to admit, she seemed to know her way around a tapelift, at least.

He looked up one more time and stared a bit longer, noticing she was engrossed in whatever she'd found on the bottom of that shoe. She wasn't his usual type. He liked his brunettes with long, dark hair and curves that could kill, but she was kinda cute, in a way. _You know, for a farm girl._

-------------------------_  
_

_Getting lost, obnoxious New Yorkers with even more obnoxious nicknames for her, tigers (and their dung)..._ she stopped reciting the litany of reasons for her bad day and started concentrating on the good things. _Stella's sage advice, getting to try a wound reconstruction, capturing a suspect, and possibly finding an apartment in Manhattan..._.

Letting herself into her Uncle Freddie's house, she closed her eyes and sighed at the sounds of her rambunctious cousins squealing and running around the living room. She waved hello to her Aunt Maureen who was on the phone, slalomed her way between the kids, toys, and furniture in the living room, and made her way out the back door to the small backyard. Looking up, she wished she could see the stars. That was one thing she didn't think she'd ever stop missing from back home.

She cringed as she heard a crash in the house behind her and her aunt yelling something indistinct at the children who hadn't missed a beat in their carousing. _That apartment is __**definitely**__ required._ Taking her cell phone off her hip and getting her notebook out of her back pocket, she dialed the number and arranged to go over and see the place in an hour.

-------------------------

_She carries a freakin' __**knife**__ with her? What kinda girl carries a freakin' __**knife**__ around and still manages to look like Susy Sunshine?_

Danny was sitting on his couch, watching the game and puzzling over his new coworker. She looked like she'd be scared of her own shadow, but Mac said that she'd body-checked a suspect into a car like she was a starter for the Rangers. She hadn't even let a **tiger** phase her. He whistled. _They sure do breed 'em tough out there in Montana._ Not as tough as New York, of course, but he'd see if she could keep up the tough act for more than a day.

Taking another sip of his beer, he grinned. _Let's see just how tough our little Montana is, shall we?_ If she couldn't take the heat, maybe she'd get out of his kitchen.


	2. Robots

CHAPTER TWO: ROBOTS

The next day, Lindsay showed up with the recommended 4 hours of sleep, comfortable shoes, and an entire box of power bars. 

"Hey, Montana!"

She also had a steely look for Danny Messer. _Don't look up. Don't give him the satisfaction. If you look up when he calls you that, he'll just keep doing it._ She set her jaw and continued with her paperwork.

"You deaf or something, Montana?" Her new partner grinned down at her as he sat on the edge of her desk. She looked up at him with an eyebrow raised and her mouth pursed in displeasure. _Get your ass off my desk in the next 5 seconds, or I'll get it off for you._

"What's with the look? I just said 'Hey' is all." Danny squirmed a bit in his jacket and stood up from her desk.

"Hey." She went back to her paperwork, trying to hide her self-satisfied smile. _Score one for the new girl._

"That's it? That's all I get? 'Hey'? C'mon, Montana, you can do better than that." He didn't sit on her desk this time, but he did put both hands on it and lean down to her. "Don't I even get a 'Howyadoin?' or something?"

Folding her hands on her desk, she looked up at him expectantly. "Howyadoin?"

Danny blinked. _How the hell'd she do that? She's been here, what? Ten minutes? Already she's bringin' the accent? You wanna play, girlie? I'll play._

He gave her the slow, sexy grin he'd perfected back in high school. No woman was immune to that grin. Well, except Stella. And maybe Aiden. But he'd never really tried with them. This one, though. This one he'd have eating out of his hand by the end of the week. _It's almost sad, really. She doesn't stand a chance._

"There, was that so hard?" He pushed up from her desk, flexing his biceps more than necessary to really get her going. "I'm doin' just fine, thanks for askin'. How**you**doin'?"

"I'm doin' just fine," she said, copying him exactly. "Now, was there anything else Detective Messer, or can I get back to my work now?"

Amazingly, she looked completely bored by the whole exchange. Danny's brow wrinkled a bit, trying to gauge whether she were good at hiding her emotions, or if she were just a robot dressed up like a woman.

Shaking his head, he went over to his own desk. "Just tryin' to make a little friendly conversation, Montana. Enjoy your work." Sitting down, he started in on his own paperwork.

_End of the week. Definitely._

... unless she's a robot.


	3. The Apartment

CHAPTER THREE: THE APARTMENT

Lindsay struggled with the last box and dropped it on the floor of her new bedroom. Wiping the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand she surveyed her new living quarters, nodding in satisfaction. It wasn't the most glamourous apartment in the city, that was for sure, but her room was a decent size, the living room and kitchen were nice, and her roommate was a fellow country girl who'd been in New York for about two years now.

_God knows I get enough of real New Yorkers at work. I really don't need one at home, too._ Letting out an annoyed breath, she pushed Danny Messer from her mind and concentrated on making her bedroom livable. 

She'd been on the job for five days, and this was her first day off. On the one hand, it would have been nice to be able to spend the day relaxing and catching up on sleep, maybe even getting her bearings in the city, but on the other hand, she really needed to get out of her Uncle Freddie's place. Her uncle had left an hour before, giving her a hug and telling her to stop by any time. She loved her family a lot, but loving them and living with them were two different things.

"You getting settled ok?"

Looking up, Lindsay smiled at her new roommate who was peeking around the doorframe.

"Yeah, thanks Jess. I'm just trying to get some order out of this chaos."

Jess laughed, "I saw your bookcases come in earlier. There's room for one or two of them in the living room, if you want. I'm gonna go run some errands. Want me to pick up something for dinner on the way back?"

"Oh God, that'd be fantastic! Whatever you're in the mood for, I don't care. I'll eat anything!"

"I'll hold you to that, you know! I'll be back in an hour or two. You have my number if you need anything?"

"Yup!"

"Just lemme know if you need a hand with anything, ok? I'll see you soon." She pushed off from the doorway to leave, then turned and came back. "Oh, and welcome to your first New York City apartment," she grinned.

Lindsay smiled back. "Thanks."

_You know, I think I can make it here, after all._


	4. Don't Lose Your Head

CHAPTER FOUR: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

Lindsay groaned as she swatted at her buzzing alarm.

"God. Five more minutes. Just five more minutes. _Please_," she muttered into her pillow. She and her new roommate had celebrated her move last night. Extensively. Carefully raising her head just enough to open one eye, she glared at her bedroom window. The sheet she'd tacked up the night before definitely wasn't doing much to block out the glare of the sun.

_Note to self: buy room darkening blinds tonight after work. _

She buried her face in the pillow once more and let out a brief "rawr" of discomfort.

_Coffee. I need coffee. With coffee, nothing can stop me. _

Wincing slightly as she opened her eyes, she managed to wrestle her way free from her tangled blankets. _Right. Coffee and then shower. _She groggily mussed her hair away from her face and padded out of her room and into the kitchen.

"Good morning, sleepyhead!" sang out Jess as she moved around the room gathering her things together while simultaneously eating her breakfast of a bagel and a cup of coffee. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you up or not. What's your schedule like, anyway? I mean, I know you said you can work some pretty crazy shifts."

Lindsay blinked and covered her mouth as she yawned. "Coffee," she said in a voice still scratchy with sleep.

Jess' mouth twitched in amusement at her roomie's morning eloquence and poured her a cup of the life-giving liquid. "You're not exactly a morning person, are you?" she asked.

Lindsay took a sip of the marvelous beverage and a look of sheer bliss crossed her face. "I am, now," she said. "All it takes is one sip and life goes from suck to fantastic in 0.6 seconds." She took another sip and noticed her new friend's attire. "Wow, you look pretty great for someone who's going to be doing research all day." Jess was a student at NYU, working on getting her Masters degree linguistics.

Jess blushed, "Yeah well… I have my reasons."

Grinning, Lindsay opened her mouth to ask, but Jess just held up a finger.

"I'll let you know if anything comes of it, but I'm not going to jinx it just yet, thankyouverymuch." Both girls laughed. "For now, though, I have to get my butt in gear. There's a guest lecturer in today, and I want to have a chance to talk to her before the throngs of admirers and toadies surround her and cut off all of her oxygen. I'll see you tonight!"

"Have a good one!" Lindsay called to her as she waved her way out the door. Putting her now empty cup down on the table, she moved onto stage two of the day: shower.

………

She was already taking photos of the body in Central Park when Mac showed up. The man on the bench could have just been resting his eyes, except for the fact that he had blood covering a good portion of his upper body. Looking at the wound on his neck, it was obvious that his throat had been slit, but it wasn't until Mac lifted his head clear off his body that the full extent of the damage was made clear to her.

_Wow. Can't say I ever saw anything like **that** back in Bozeman._

………

Danny Messer followed Stella Bonasera into the crowds at the San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy. He couldn't help but smile at the people, the music, the food… _Damn. If I wasn't on a case right now, I'd so be sittin' down to some nice cannolis right about now._ They were, after all, the best part of the San Gennaro. Looking around, he saw a group of young women in Italian flag tube tops. _Heh. Maybe **second** best._ Stella's comments about finding the trail brought his mind back to the scene.

"Right, where do we start?"

Tracking back through the food stains that had been left on the victim's clothing brought them to a pool hall that was in even worse shape than the ones in his old neighbourhood. _Man, it looks like the Hell's Angels hosted a brawl in here or somethin'._

Listening to the owner's recital of the events she'd witnessed, he was unable to keep a straight face. _Someone's been watchin' a few too many Jackie Chan movies. Or she's been dippin' into the tequila a little early. _

………

Back at the lab, Lindsay was going through her vic's clothes trying to find something on it when Danny walked into the Layout Room. Steeling herself, she grit her teeth and glared down at the jacket on the table in front of her.

"Hey Montana! I hear you got a two-fer this mornin' in the park," he grinned at her in that way that just made her want to rub the smirk right off his face and then he leaned his elbows down on the table and looked at her expectantly.

_Oh no. I'm not walking into **that** one, Messer. _

"Well, according to fourth grade mathematics, two halves make a whole, so you heard wrong." She couldn't help but take some satisfaction in the fact that he was surprised by her answer.

"Not bad, Montana. Not bad." He still had that smug look on his face as he stood and pushed up his glasses.

_What is he even doing here, anyway? Shouldn't he be helping Stella with all of those cues they collected at the pool hall? Obnoxious **and** a slacker. _She shook her head and blew her hair out of her face in irritation.

Danny reached across the table and pushed it behind her ear for her. She pulled back in surprise and looked at him like he'd grown a second head. _What the **hell** was that?_ He didn't even notice.

"So, you know what the best part of the San Gennaro is?" he asked, looking overtly casual and glancing over his shoulder at the other layout table in the room.

Lindsay went back to her examination of the jacket. "The cannolis."

"Everybody knows everythin' today. Eesh." he muttered under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, uh. How'd you know 'bout that?"

Setting the jacket aside, she picked up the shirt. "You think I don't know things?"

"Well uh. I just figured, y'know, since you're new in town and all… Here." He set a styrofoam container down on the table beside her. "Can't live in New York and miss out on the cannolis, y'know?" He flashed her another grin. "See y'around, Montana."

_What the… was Danny Messer just **nice** to me? I must have had more to drink last night than I'd thought._

He was almost at the door before she recovered enough to say, "My name is Lindsay. Lindsay **Monroe**." He just laughed and offered a wave over his shoulder as he brought his tread impression over to Stella in Trace.

………

_How the hell **did** she know about the cannolis, anyway?_

He was surprised, and Danny Messer didn't surprise easily.


	5. Cannolis, Cannolis, Cannolis

CHAPTER FIVE: CANNOLIS, CANNOLIS, CANNOLIS

Sword-wielding CEO's and a boss who was seemingly trained to use every sort of weapon ever made. Combine that with the fact that Danny Messer was _nice_ to her, and Lindsay had had quite the strange day. She sat at the kitchen table, munching on a cannoli and contemplating what he might be up to.

"Ooh! Cannoli! Is that from the San Gennaro?" Jess dropped her bookbag on the floor of the kitchen and grabber herself some juice before sitting down at the table.

"How'd you guess?" Lindsay asked as she pushed the Styrofoam box over and offered the other girl some food.

"They're the best part of the festival. Mmmmm. God, I wait all year for these things." Her eyes were closed and her expression made it clear that she was in taste heaven.

"So, are you able to tell me about why you got dressed up today? Or is it still classified information?" Lindsay teased.

Jess blushed, "His name is David. Dave. He's in the LIS department. Library and Information Services," she added when she caught Lindsay's confused look. "Today was the day I was going to make my move."

Lindsay leaned forward and took another bite of cannoli, "… and?"

"And… nothing. I chickened out." Jess slumped back in her chair with a wry expression. "He's just so… mmmm. Y'know? Cute, smart, funny. And the banter! My God!" she pantomimed fainting. "So yeah. He's pretty much totally out of my league."

"You're kidding, right? You're also cute and smart and funny and able to bring the banter. He's probably scared to death of asking you out!"

"You're assuming he knows that I'm alive." Jess stuck her tongue out and tossed her half-eaten cannoli back into the box.

"Oh no you don't! I'm pretty sure that not finishing a San Gennaro cannoli is some sort of cardinal sin." Lindsay teased, pushing the box over again. "C'mon. Finish your cannoli and then I'll take you out for dinner. How about Italian?" she grinned.

………

Danny wandered through the throngs of people at the festival and grinned. These were his people. _New York doesn't get much better than this_. A young woman with long, dark, wavy hair and big dark eyes smiled at him. _Nope. Definitely doesn't get better._ He smiled back and moved over to her.

"Hey, howyadoin'"

"Not bad. You?" she asked. _Mmmm. Fellow New Yorker. None of that tourist crap. Perfect._

"I'm just lookin' for a place to sit down, but it's kinda busy here for some reason." He licked his lips and looked down at her with an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, I wonder why that is," she trailed her tongue across her upper lip and appraised him. "Have a seat." _I guess I passed inspection. _

"Thanks." He sat down, maneuvering so that his chair was a bit closer to hers, and put his hand on the back of her seat, leaning in to continue the conversation. They had just ordered some cannolis when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"… never seen anything like this!" Turning in his seat he spotted Lindsay Monroe wandering through the stalls with a woman he'd never seen before. _What are the odds?_

"Hey! Montana! What are you doin' here?" the girl beside him looked a bit surprised that she was no longer the centre of his attention, but he wasn't too concerned about that. He'd get back to her when he finished with Montana.

………

Lindsay cringed and slowly turned in the direction of the voice she was quickly growing to dislike.

"Messer. Hello. Are you here for more cannolis?" _Or are you just here for the other things you can pick up?_ She glanced at the beautiful young woman at the table beside him.

"You know it, Montana! What about you? That taste I gave you this morning wasn't enough?" he smirked.

"I guess you just haven't got what it takes to satisfy me is all, Messer. That, and I wanted to see the festival for myself." She took secret delight in the way his expression had soured momentarily after her little dig. The grin was back within a fraction of a second, but the fact that it had disappeared at all cheered her immensely.

"Yeah, they prolly don't have stuff like this back in Blows-man." He pushed up his glasses and gave her a little wave. "See ya tomorrow, Montana," and with that, he turned his attention back to the brunette at his side.

Jess had watched the exchange in silence, but as they moved on down the street, she just had to ask, "Who is that gorgeous man and why have I not heard of him before?"

Lindsay gawked at her, "What?" _Did she just say "gorgeous"?_

"You heard me. I had no idea that you knew hotties like that. You got any more? I'm thinking a hunky cop could be my ticket to forgetting a certain librarian whom I'm not supposed to be thinking about."

Lindsay blinked. "Uhh… well…"

"C'mon, don't hold out on me!" Jess grabbed her hand and looked pleadingly into her eyes.

She sighed, "What's your type?"


	6. The Messer Magic

**Author's Note:** I'm trying to decide who to set up Lindsay's roommate with. I'm deciding between Hawkes and Flack because I might want to put some Mac/Stella stuff in here later and we don't see enough of characters like Marty for me to be entirely sure how to go about writing them. If you have a preference, just let me know.

CHAPTER SIX: THE MESSER MAGIC

Danny rolled over, right into the girl lying next to him. _What was her name again? Crap._ He grabbed his glasses off the bedside table and ran his fingers through his short hair. _Sally… Stacy… Cindy…yes! Cindy. Mmmm and boy can that girl **sin**. _

He took a moment to smile at memories of the night before and then sighed as he got up to get ready for work. Looking down at the sleeping form barely covered in blankets, he was tempted to call in sick. _New York girls, man. They know how to treat a guy **right**._

"What are you lookin' at," came a mumbling voice from somewhere under the dark, wavy hair that was all over his pillow.

"There's this hot chick in my bed, and I'm just tryin' to remember how she got there, is all," he grinned.

"You dragged her here after spending 4 hours stuffin' her full of Italian food. And then you spent another couple of hours just stuffin' her with Italian." She turned over, not paying attention to the fact that she was naked, and gave him a look that had him wanting to call in sick, again.

_God**damn** that girl is fine. _

"Oh yeah. I think I kinda remember it, now," he was definitely going to be seeing her again.

"Kinda?" she raised an eyebrow at him. She made a move to throw a pillow at him, but he laughed and climbed back onto the bed to restrain her.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna need ya to refresh my memory. How's tonight sound?"

She softened, "Sounds like a long time to wait, but I guess I can handle it."

"Good." He gave her a quick kiss. "Now get yer butt outta bed. I gotta get ready for work."

She smiled and rolled her eyes. "You're real romantic, Danny, did ya know that? Sweep a girl right off her feet, you do."

He flashed her another cocky grin, "You know it."

_And they all come back for more. It's the Messer Magic._

………

Lindsay sat in the break room going over a case and contemplating her coworkers. She was still fairly new and didn't really know them very well, but Jess was just not letting this "hot cop" thing go.

_She must like cops the way that I like firemen._ She grinned to herself.

"You're looking cheerful today, Lindsay," Stella greeted her as she came in for some coffee.

"I was just thinking about firemen," she replied with a slightly wistful tone.

"Ooh. Good thought. Any fireman in particular? Or is it just a mental montage of manliness?" Stella laughed.

"Mental mentage. Definitely. It doesn't really help with the paperwork, but it does make the day go by faster." she smiled up at the older woman.

"I hear ya. But if you're ever in the mood to meet one for real, just let me know. There's this great little bar a few blocks from here where a bunch of them hang out after shift." Stella sipped her coffee and leaned against the break room counter. "And you can't tell me that the idea of drinks with not only the wonder that is _me_ but also a roomful of firemen isn't at least a little bit tempting," she smiled.

_Stella has got to be one of the nicest, friendliest people in the city. There's no way she's a native New Yorker. Not that I'm getting bitter about them or anything._ But she wasn't going to let anything sour her mood.

"More than a bit! Pick a day, and I'm there. Well, as long as I haven't been sifting through garbage or working a decomp all day. Firemen are tough, but I doubt they could handle the kind of … olfactory buffet I can present at the end of a shift, sometimes." Both women laughed and Stella started to move to the door.

"I'll let you know. For now, though, I need to get to DNA to pick up my results."

"Later, Stella."

"Later, Linds."

_Wow. I haven't been called Linds in forever. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. _She smiled to herself again. Then her mouth twisted slightly with dissatisfaction. _God knows it's better than "Montana."_

………

Danny hadn't seen much of Lindsay since the San Gennaro the week before. She'd been working cases with Mac and Stella and he'd been paired up with Hawkes. When he walked into the break room and saw her unimpressed expression, he realized immediately what the problem was.

_Poor girl's upset she hasn't seen her favourite man around for a while. See? All it takes is a little cannoli and some Messer Magic and they're eatin' right outta my hand._

"Hey Montana, howyadoin'? Alright?" he sat down at the table opposite her and leaned forward on his elbows.

Her expression of annoyance wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting.

"I know that it's a difficult concept and all, but my name isn't Mon_tana_. It's Mon_roe_. Maybe if you practice it a bit you'll be able to say it, all by yourself without my reminding you." She turned back to her paperwork.

_Right. Like I'm gonna do that. _

"Sure. I'll get right on that," he grinned and licked his lips.

Glancing up at him, she blew out a breath of annoyance.

"So I hear you and Stella are gonna go out and pick up firemen. Good luck with that."

_Like a fireman is somehow better than a cop or something. You gotta be kiddin' me._

"You think I can't pick up a fireman, Messer?" her tone was verging on dangerous and she had an eyebrow raised in challenge. Danny didn't notice a thing.

"It's nothin' personal, Montana. I mean, you've got that girl-next-door thing workin' for ya, but an NYFD guy? He's gonna want someone with a bit more… _flash_, y'know?" He pushed up his glasses so that he could better watch her reaction. _I love it when she's pissed. All she wants to do is hit me but that down-home Montana upbringin' of hers just won't ler her. Sucker._

"You want me to go to a bar and flash a bunch of firemen, Messer? I haven't done that since I left Bozeman." and with that, she gathered up her papers and went to her desk.

_Wait… what?_


	7. Country Girls

CHAPTER SEVEN: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT COUNTRY GIRLS

Danny and Hawkes made their way into the alley in the Bronx. Sheldon had been complaining about his lack of dates lately and Danny was making him feel better by explaining the woes of coupledom.

"Don't get me wrong. I mean, it's nice to have a warm body around if you know what I mean. But all I'm saying is, I don't understand why I have to go. I mean, it's her boss' kid's Bar Mitzvah. How does that concern me?" _It's not like we've even been together that long_.

"Two hours out of your Saturday is a deal breaker?" the single man was surprised by how little it took to irk his friend in a relationship.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa I'm not the bad guy." _Her boss is the bad guy. I mean, who invites 87 employees to come to a Bar Mitzvah? And tellin' her to bring a date? What? Is he interested or somethin'?_

The smell coming off of the body took his mind off of his personal problems. There was something about fish that just made him want to vomit, every time.

………

First she had Messer with the constant taunts of Montana, and now she had to deal with Murphy calling her Dorothy? What was it with these New Yorkers and their antagonism for the Midwest?

_Maybe they just can't stand the thought of there being a place where you can breathe without inhaling 17 kinds of pollution._

"First off, Officer Murphy, I'm from Montana, not Kansas. Second, this is my crime scene and I'm extremely thorough. Tram opens when I'm done." _And not one minute sooner, you smug sonofa… _"Now, who is he?"

………

Three days and very little sleep later, they'd bagged the bad guy. Or in this case, the bad **woman**. Lindsay'd seen the Death Gamble a few times before back in Bozeman, but it always surprised her that seemingly harmless little old ladies would have it in them to commit murder.

_I think I'll call my Grams tonight and tell her that I love her. I wouldn't want to piss the old girl off. _

She smiled at the thought as she reached into her locker to collect her purse.

"You up for a barful of firemen tonight, Linds? Sort of as a reward for solving the case," Stella poked her head into the locker room and asked.

Lindsay smiled, "You picked a good day. No decomp, and the only garbage I was around was still inside the bag."

"Excellent! Just give me a few minutes to get my stuff together. I'll met you out front. It's only a 10 minute walk from here."

"Sounds like a plan." Lindsay put her purse down and picked up the brush and extra toiletries she kept in her locker for those post-dumpster-diving days. _A solid case, a strong interrogation, and now a bunch of firemen. Can this day get any better?_

She was just finishing up her lipstick when Danny walked in.

"Hey Montana, lookin' good. Hot date?" he chuckled as he opened his locker. _Yeah, right_.

"Is it that obvious?" she asked, arranging her things on the top shelf and then closing the door. _Just ignore him. He's not worth the effort._

Danny blinked and paused halfway through putting on his jacket. "Ya mean ya **do**?" _Damn, girl works fast. Hasn't even been in town a month and already she's got a hot date._

"You don't have to sound so surprised, Messer. Us girl-next-door types are in high demand. I mean, you know what they say about country girls, right?" _And if he doesn't, I'm sure he'll spend a fair bit of time finding out._

"Uhh.. yeah. Right." _They say something about country girls? _

"See you tomorrow Messer," she gave her hips an extra wiggle on her way out the door. _You think a girl from Montana can't be sexy? Well, you've got another think coming, buddy._

He gave a low whistle in surprise. _Was she just flirtin' with me? Can she even do that?_ He poked his head out of the locker room and watched as she made her way down the hall in a pair of jeans that, had she been anyone else, would have given him an interesting thought or two.

_Nah._


	8. Monroe Mojo

**Chapter Eight: Monroe Mojo**

Stella and Lindsay made their way into the bar, noticing immediately that women were in short supply. Stella leaned over and whispered, "Is this place great, or what?"

_Understatement of the year, my friend._ "Great doesn't even begin to describe it," Lindsay laughed. "I'll get us some drinks at the bar if you want to grab us a table. What'll you have?"

"Just a beer for me, thanks. Whatever's on tap. I think I see a spot over there." Stella pointed toward the back corner and started to work her way through the crowd.

After trying a few times to get their attention and ask them to move, Lindsay managed to push between two very large men and squeeze herself in at the bar. Catching the bartender's attention, she ordered two beers, then glanced around as she waited. _Wow. I haven't felt **this** tiny since that party with the football team after the state finals when they lifted me up and threw me into the pool._ She smiled at the memory.

"That's the best thing I've seen all day," a deep voice behind and above her said. She turned around and looked up. And up. _Whoa. Tall._

"Hi, my name's Chris. I'm one of the giants who was blocking your path to the bar." He grinned good-naturedly and she blushed, remembering how she'd pushed him to get where she was.

"I'm Lindsay. Sorry about pushing you before, but…" she spread her hands helplessly. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do if she's going to get herself a drink."

"It's completely my fault, really. I didn't even see you down there." He blushed, realizing he'd just called her short. "I mean… umm… I wasn't paying attention, and I should have been."

_A big guy like him who can blush? He reminds me of the guys back home._ She smiled to put him at his ease. "Don't worry. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I'm short. Especially in comparison to a 'giant' like yourself. If you really want to make it up to me, though, you can buy these drinks." _Did I really just say that? I think Stella's gregariousness is rubbing off on me._

"It's a deal," his face broke out into a wide smile that made her heart do flip flops. _Oh my_.

………

Two hours and several beers later, Lindsay and Stella were enjoying themselves with Chris and his friend Jason, firefighters both. The men excused themselves to the bar to get some more drinks, and the girls formed a huddle to talk about them.

"Girl, you have definitely got yourself some mojo or something, I don't know. Whatever it is, keep working it!" Stella encouraged. She bit her lip as she inspected the posterior region of the man who'd been chatting her up all night.

"I honestly have no idea how I did it. I've never picked a guy up in a bar before in my _life_! It was so… _easy_. Why did no one ever tell me how easy it is?" Lindsay's face was bright and slightly pink, the effects of the alcohol and adrenaline, no doubt. _Probably because no one I know has ever picked up in a bar, either._

Stella had to laugh at the younger girl's enthusiasm. It wasn't easy for everyone, but she wasn't going to point that out.

"If everyone knew it was easy, then everyone would do it, and the population would skyrocket as a result."

"Ok, good point. But still… firefighters! Hot ones! With _us!_" Lindsay drained her glass and looked over at the men who waved from the bar. "And Messer said I couldn't do it. Hah!" _Dumbass_.

"Yes well, Danny isn't exactly the world's leading expert on _men_, now is he? Women, maybe, but men? Not so much."

"So, did you ladies have enough time to talk about us, or should we pretend we have to go to the bathroom and give you a couple more minutes?" Chris asked as he slid into the booth next to Lindsay, draping his arm along the seat back behind her.

_He's good._ "I think we're done for now, but I'll keep you posted." _This flirting thing is getting easier._ Looking up at him, she noticed how he kept staring at her lips. _Who said New York firemen were hard to attract? Take that, Messer._


	9. Invitations and Indecencies

**Chapter Nine: Invitations and Indecencies**

Lindsay practically floated into her apartment at a little past midnight. Aside from being sweet and charming, Chris was also a very good kisser. She touched her lips and smiled at the memory. _Very, very good_. She did a little pirouette on her way into the kitchen to get some water and hopefully stave off the hangover she'd otherwise have in the morning.

"Either you really, _really_ love your job, or you did something fun after work. Am I right?" Jess asked with a raised eyebrow, taking in the sight of her jubilant roommate as twirled through the kitchen.

"Mmmhmm. His name's Chris…" _… and boy would I love to be doing him right now. _Lindsay blushed at her thoughts. "He's a fireman I met tonight. At a bar. I picked up a fireman at a bar!" She laughed and did another little twirl, still unable to believe herself. _The guys back home are **never** going to believe this!_

"You get to go to a bar and meet a presumably hot fireman named Chris, and I'm still sitting around here waiting for you to introduce me to a hot cop. Life just ain't fair, lemme tellya." Jess tried to keep her face sad and mournful but watching Lindsay practically dance on air made that impossible. "So, _is_ he hot?"

"Oh God, is he ever. He's tall, dark, and handsome and a _fireman!_ Need I say more? Because I can. Really a lot. I could probably gush about him for an hour and not break a sweat. Did I mention he's a fantastic kisser? I'm talking world-class here," she sighed dreamily and rested her chin on her hand as she sat at the table. _I wonder what else he's that good at._

Jess paused in her act of filling two bowls with ice cream. "Some girls get all the luck." Finishing her task and putting the ice cream back in the fridge, she placed a bowl in front of Lindsay and dug into her own. "Alright, I can be patient no more. We're going to have a party this weekend and you're going to invite all of your hottie coworkers to come to it."

"Okay," Lindsay sighed, not really listening to her roommate. "Wait… what did you say?" She blinked and sat up straight as the information made it through her alcohol and lust clouded brain.

"I just said that we're going to throw you a house-warming party to celebrate this lovely apartment you've moved into… and to get me set up with a hottie of my own." Jess licked her spoon and smiled at the look on the other girl's face.

_Oh God. This can't be a good thing. _

………

"I'm not sayin' I don't wanna go, I'm just sayin' what if I'm busy?" Danny argued reasonably. _Sure, it's true that I don't wanna go, but she don't have to know that._

"That's why I'm tellin' y'about it five days in advance. So you _won't _be busy." Cindy argued just as reasonably as she moved over to straddle his lap.

_Oh man. She's **good**. _

He licked his lips, "… it's only a couple of hours, right?" He was weakening and they both knew it.

"Mmmhmm," she leaned down and started nibbling on his neck. His eyes rolled back in his head and his hands made their way to her hips. _God, I love it when she does that thing with her tongue._

He tangled his fingers in her hair and kissed her, long and deep.

"So, what kinda gift do ya bring to a Bar Mitzvah, anyway?"

She laughed and kissed him again before moving over on the couch and pulling him down on top of her.

………

"It's nothing fancy or anything. It's just a little get-together to show off my first New York apartment," Lindsay blushed as she told Hawkes about her party.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," he said, giving her that open look of complete sincerity that was always so sweet. "Do you want me to bring anything?"

"Just yourself." _And possibly a protective shield if you don't want to get jumped by my roommate._ "Anytime after five o'clock. We're getting takeout from about 10 different places in the neighbourhood so we can rate them and see which flyers are worth keeping around and which ones are going in the blue bin."

"That's a great idea. I'll be sure to be hungry, in that case," he looked down as his beeper went off. "Oh, that's Adam. I've gotta run. Thanks for the invite!"

"No problem. See if Adam wants to come to, will you?"

"Sure thing!"

_That takes care of everyone except…_

"Montana! What's this I hear about you havin' a party and not inviting yours truly? I think I'm insulted!"

_Messer._

"Don't be. I just hadn't gotten around to you, yet, is all," she pasted a civil expression on her face and turned to look at him.

"Savin' the best for last, eh? I get it." _Man, I hope it's early on Saturday so I can get out of that Bar Mitzvah thing. _

"Saturday, any time after five. You can probably carpool with someone, but if not I can give you directions." _Two lefts and a right and go straight on down to Hell._

_Damn. Too late to get out of the other thing. Oh well. Maybe I can have fun convincing Cindy to come to this with me. _"I'm a New Yorker, Montana, I can find any place in the city. Don't you worry 'bout me."

"I never do."


	10. Party Time! Excellent!

**Chapter Ten: Party Time! Excellent!**

Danny fiddled with his tie and leaned over to whisper in the ear of his companion, "Ya still owe me fer this, y'know." He looked around the room in discomfort.

"Y'mean this dress I'm almost wearin' isn't enough?" she replied, taking his tie out of his hands and pulling him into the room by it.

_Excellent point._ He licked his lips as he looked her up and down once more. When she'd opened her door to his knock, he'd immediately suggested blowing of the shindig and staying in to see more (or less?) of that dress.

"That depends. Whatcha wearin' under it?"

"If you're a _very_ good boy, I might just let you find out."

_Y'gotta be kiddin' me. _He smirked at her. "When am I anythin' else?"

………

Lindsay took one more anxious tour around her apartment, checking to make sure that everything was just so.

"If you fluff those pillows one more time, they'll explode!" Jess called from the kitchen where she was arranging the impromptu bar on the counter top. "Everything is _perfect_, ok?"

"I know, I know. I'm just… nervous is all." _I still don't really know these people, and I'm inviting them to my apartment? The apartment I share with another person I don't really know that well. Oh God. I'm living in a strange city full of strange people, surrounded by strangers!_

"Uhh… Linds? You might want to consider breathing at some point." Jess put the bowl of chips on the coffee table and looked at her roommate in concern. "It's just a party. Relax."

"Relax. Right." Taking a deep breath, Lindsay tried to calm herself down. _Get a grip, Montana. _

_Wait. **Montana!** Now the jerk's got **me** doing it. I really do need to just kill him and get it over with. _

At the sound of the doorbell, she jumped. _But not right now because I have to host a party. Oh God._

………

"So why do you call this girl Montana if she hates it so much? Cindy asked as they walked down the hallway toward Lindsay's apartment.

He shrugged, "Pretty much because she hates it so much." He rang the bell and waited with his arm around Cindy's waist. _And she's so frikkin' cute when she's pissed._

Cindy was laughing as the door opened to reveal a dozen or more people up to their eyeballs in takeout, all drinking and talking and laughing. She turned to her boyfriend, "Good party." Turning back to the woman who'd answered the door, she held out her hand, "Hi, I'm Cindy."

"Lindsay Monroe, I work with Danny. Nice to meet you." Lindsay looked the girl up and down as she took their jackets. "I'll just go put these on my bed. We've got enough takeout to feed an army so help yourself. Drinks are on the counter in the kitchen, right through there." _So **that's** his type. I figured he'd go for blondes. Must be an Italian thing. _

"Let me get those for you, hon," Chris said as he bent down and gave her a quick kiss. He looked up at the new arrivals, "Chris Walker, nice to meet you."

Danny took the proffered hand and shook it, firmly. _So **that's** her type. I figured she'd go for academics or somethin'. Wonder if he's a fireman._ "Danny Messer. Back atcha. This here's Cindy Valerio." He licked his lips, unimpressed, as the other man kissed his date's hand in greeting.

"Ooh. He's nice. You payin' attention there, Danny?" Cindy teased.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm takin' notes. Let's get some food." _So he kissed her hand. Big frikkin' deal. I've kissed a lot more than that and it wasn't a huge production. _

………

Jess pulled Lindsay into the bathroom for a quick conference.

"Ok, so the hot one I saw before has a girlfriend. What about the tall one with the amazing blue eyes?"

"Flack?" _His eyes are amazing? _"Uh. I don't know."

"And the one with the glasses and all of the muscles and that chocolaty skin that I'd love to have for dessert?"

"Hawkes? You want to eat **Hawkes** for dessert?" _I'm **never** going to be able to look at him the same way again._

Jess rolled her eyes in frustration. "Can you please tell me their first names? And how can you not know the dating status of your coworkers? Does your office not have a water cooler or something?"

"Down girl!" Lindsay laughed, "Gimme a minute, ok?" She ducked her head out of the bathroom and waved to get Stella's attention.

The older woman patted Mac's chest as she motioned in Lindsay's direction. _I wonder why she's spending the whole night with Mac when she's got Jason chomping at the bit right next to her._ She was obviously telling him that she was going to go talk to her friend.

"What's up, Linds?" she asked as she succeeded in making her way through the people and into the bathroom.

"Could you give my friend here a little inside scoop on the men of the NYPD. She's gone a bit crazy, you see, and I fear for my life if I'm unable to satisfy her curiosity," she laughed to let Stella know she was just joking. _Well, mostly joking. _

Stella grinned. "Lemme guess… Flack?"

Lindsay nodded, "and Hawkes."

"Both single, as of the latest water cooler chat, this morning."

"Hah! I _knew_ you had to have a water cooler!" Jess shouted in triumph. She got a few odd looks from the people nearest them, but she didn't let it phase her one bit. "So, what's the dirt on them? And could you please fill me in on their first names?"

Laughing, Stella started to give her the rundown on both men, and Lindsay wandered off to find her own love interest. He caught her in the hallway and pulled her into her bedroom.

"I was starting to think I'd never get you alone, Miss Monroe," he whispered as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Well, I can't have that, now can I?" she replied, slipping her arms around his neck. He picked her up easily to bring her to a more comfortable height for kissing. _I feel like the girl in a cheap romance novel. And I'm loving every second of it._ "Have I mentioned before that you're way too tall?"

"Have I mentioned before that you're a shrimp who should really think about growing a few more inches at some point?"

She slapped him playfully and he pretended to be injured, falling back on her bed… which promptly groaned and then collapsed with a sound that could wake the dead.

All noise from the party in the next room ceased. The only thing that could be heard was the creak of the door as someone slowly pushed it open.

Danny Messer and Donald Flack entered the room, guns drawn, unsure of what to expect after a noise like that. What they found was a mortified Lindsay tangled up in the remains of her bed with a smirking Chris waving at them.

"Little help here, guys? I promise I wasn't killing her."

_But this embarrassment might just do the job. Why did it have to be **Messer** who came in here? Why couldn't it have been Stella? I'm **never** going to hear the end of this._

"You sure had me fooled, Montana. I didn't know you had it in ya." _Damn. Can't say I've ever managed to break a bed before. And they hadn't even gotten their clothes off yet. Maybe our little Montana ain't as innocent as she looks, eh?_ He licked his lips and grinned at the thought.

"I didn't… yet," Lindsay said, and then covered her mouth and blushed when she realized what she'd just let slip. _Oh God. I can't believe I just said that out loud. Kill me now. _

Danny and Chris both looked at her in surprise and Flack just laughed before he turned from the room and addressed the party guests in the other room. "It was just a little accident. Nothing serious. The only casualty was an old bed. As you were."

The crowd chuckled at his official demeanor and the party was back in full swing inside of a few minutes.

_Man, I can't wait to tease her about this tomorrow!_

_If I start acting sick right now maybe I can call in sick and not have to face all of the teasing tomorrow._


	11. Holy Shortcake!

**Author's Note:** Just a quick little update before I delve back into the post-ep portion of this story. The next chapter will include little bits from Youngblood, not to mention more teasing of Lindsay over "the bed incident."

**Chapter Eleven: Holy Shortcake!**

Danny laughed and broke out into a full-face grin as he watched Lindsay Monroe attempt to be invisible while walking through the lab corridors. From his seat in the Layout Room he could watch her progress from the elevators all the way to the lockers.

_Nice try, Monroe, but you're gonna hafta see me, eventually. _

………

Lindsay took a deep breath as she reached her locker. _Made it._ Not that simply walking through the lab at a near-run with her head down to avoid any and all eye contact was a real test of how her day would go with regards to teasing, but still. It was a step. _30 seconds down _she glanced at her watch _11 hours, 59 minutes, and 17 seconds to go._

She leaned her back against her locker and covered her eyes with a hand. "God, just shoot me, please."

"I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible about not doing that."

She started and hit her head on her open locker door at the sound of Hawkes' voice. "Holy sh… shortcake." They shared a confused expression at her choice of 'profanity.'

"Are you feeling alright, there, Lindsay?" he asked with some concern in his voice. "You didn't hit your head in that fall yesterday, did you?" The corners of his mouth twitched as he tried to keep a straight face.

_And so it begins._

"Here, why don't you sit down and let me do a quick… neurological assessment, just… just to be sure." The doctor started to crack up part way through the sentence, but kept it together just long enough to finish what he was saying. Then he collapsed on the bench and howled in laughter.

"Alright, alright. Yuck it up. 'Lindsay and her boyfriend broke her bed at the party.' Funniest thing all year." She couldn't help but start to chuckle, though, as the former M.E. clutched his stomach and attempted to wipe off the tears that were streaming down his face. _If I can make it through tiger dung and garbage detail, I can make it through this._

"I'm s-sorry, L-lindsay. I jus… just can't h-h-help mys-s-self" with that, he cracked up again and Lindsay shook her head in amusement, leaving him to his paroxysms of laughter and closing the locker room door on their echoes.

_Alright, lab, bring it on._


	12. Structural Integrity

**Chapter Twelve: Structural Integrity**

Danny shrugged into his lab coat as he walked toward Lindsay. "Mac said I'd find ya here. Whaddaya got?" _Don't start in on her right away. Lull her into a false sense of security first. It'll make it that much better when you finally drop a bomb right on top of that pretty little head of hers. _

"Did you read the field report?" she grinned at him self-consciously, waiting for the inevitable jibe and fiddling with what Stella referred to as 'chopsticks for dummies.' _How can anyone in this day and age not be able to use chopsticks. Especially in this city, where people order in Chinese food two or three times a week. _

He gave her the rundown, taking note of the fact that she'd put on makeup this morning. Not that she didn't always look good, but the extra pinkness on her lips was… intriguing. _Intriguing? What the hell is that, 'intriguing.' It's Montana! She's about as intriguing as a sack of potatoes. … wait, that's Idaho. What do they grow in Montana?_

"Do you want the elastic or the paper?" she looked up at him, waiting for an answer. _He'll probably be just like the victim in thirty years' time. A 50-something bachelor dating teenyboppers. _

"I should probably handle the paper cuz there might be somethin' on it." _Corn, maybe? Wheat? Damn, this is gonna bug me all day._ He was too distracted to notice the way she rolled her eyes and grinned at him before moving over to a free station to examine the elastic.

He had just decided that Montana was the Buckeye State when he felt a pair of eyes on him. Looking up, he noticed Lindsay watching what he was doing with an air of superiority. "Ya done?"

"Waiting on you," _take **that** you smug bastard_ she grinned. It felt good to be competitive like this again. A little friendly razzing between coworkers was just what the doctor ordered to get her past the awkwardness of 'the bed incident,' as she was now mentally referring to it.

………

"So, I've gotta ask… is he as good _in_ bed as he is _under_ it?" Stella whispered as she came up behind Lindsay at the coffee pot in the break room.

Lindsay choked on the first hot sip she'd just been taking. _Did she just say… !_ "Stella!"

"What? A girl can't be curious?" the other woman smiled devilishly, eyes lighting up. "C'mon! He's a hot fireman! Are you telling me he hasn't burned you up between the sheets, yet?"

"I seem to recall a similarly hot fireman following you around like a lost puppy all evening… was _he_ dousing _your_ fires with his hose last night?" Lindsay deflected. _The best defense is a strong offense. _

Stella's mouth worked up and down a few times in shock that Lindsay was capable of that sort of comment. "I … I mean… that's…" She really was doing an admirable impression of a fish out of water.

"And what are you two ladies discussing in such urgent tones?" Mac asked as he came in to drop off the ballistics report with Lindsay.

Stella stood up suddenly, trying to appear casual. "Nothing! … I mean, nothing. I was just thanking Lindsay for such a pleasant evening yesterday. But now, I should go find Hawkes." She tripped over a chair in her haste to leave and gave an awkward smile and a wave as she backed out of the door. "Bye!" Turning around she practically sprinted down the hallway.

Mac raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to know, do I?"

"Probably not, no." _And I **really** don't want to tell you, so that works out nicely._

"We've got the surveillance video from the apartment building. I want you too keep an eye out for anything that might possibly be used as a shotgun barrel. Think beyond the obvious on this one. The blast pattern we've got on the body is … unusual." He handed her the file and turned to leave.

Turning back, he added, "Oh, and you might want to consider sticking a wooden plank under your box spring. It'll make the bed sturdier, and a harder mattress is good for your back." He chuckled at the look on Lindsay's face. Sometimes, he just couldn't help himself.

………

Down in the morgue, Danny tried not to look to squeamish as Sid pulled the back of a dead guy's head off. _Aw man. I just **ate**. I swear, I'm never gonna peel another orange as long as I live._

Lindsay watched as the M.E. methodically removed the hair and skin from the victim's skull and gritted her teeth together, determined not to let her disgust show. _The day I puke in the morgue in front of Danny Messer is the day I jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge._

Sid described 'Paget's Disease,' a bone-softening affliction, and pointed out the letters that had been imprinted on the man's cranium. "An otherwise solid structure is rendered weak and pliable, allowing for excessive damage to be done when force or weight is applied."

Looking up at the pretty, young CSI whose house he'd visited the night before, he added, "Much like your bed, I'd imagine."

Danny coughed violently, covering his mouth with both hands to hide his sudden explosion of laughter. _Oh man, that was just **perfect**! Leave it to Sid to deliver a death blow like that, eh?_

"Yes, well, _unlike_ my bed, this man's skull is full of evidence. Can you get this cleaned up and get an image up to the lab?" _Focus on work. If you don't give them room to get the digs in, they have to stop eventually. _She allowed herself a small smile. _That **was** a pretty good one, though, I must admit. _

………

It was nearing the end of shift, and Lindsay had heard it from Flack, Marty, Adam, and pretty much the entire lab. All except Danny Messer. _I wonder why he's being so… nice. That just doesn't really seem like him. Maybe that bombshell he brought with him hit him over the head during some sort of wild sexual maneuver and he's suffering temporary amnesia?_

She walked into their shared office and saw Danny leaning against her desk. _Or… maybe he's just been lulling me into a false sense of security and I'm about to get mercilessly teased._

"A bunch of us are gonna head out fer drinks. You up for it?" he asked. _Wait for it…_

She blinked. _That's… not what I was expecting._ "Uhh… thanks. But actually I have plans, tonight."

"That guy from last night?" _Wait for it… _

She steeled herself for the inevitable comment. "Yup, that's the one."

"Cool. Maybe next time, then. I'll let the guys know we can leave without ya, then." _Wait for it… _ He picked up his jacket and headed for the door. "Night, Lindsay."

_And now he's using my actual **name!**_"Uhh. Yeah. 'Night Messer."

Thoroughly confused, she flopped down into her desk chair while simultaneously dropping her folders on her desk.

Both of which promptly collapsed.

_What the fu…!_

The sounds of Danny Messer's laughter filled the hallway. "Seems like you've got all **sorts** of problems with structural integrity, these days, Montana. Might wanna get that checked out."

He whistled as he walked toward the group of coworkers waiting for him at the elevator.

**Author's Note:** I got the idea for the collapsing desk joke from an episode of The West Wing where CJ and Charlie have a bit of a prank war. :D


	13. The Patron Saint of Beer

**Chapter Thirteen: Patron Saint of Beer**

Lindsay sat, stunned, in the ruins of her office furniture. _How in the **hell** did he** do** that? And better yet, how can I get him back for it?_ She slowly and painfully stood up, brushing a few bits of rubble off of her clothes. Suddenly, a smile made its way across her face. _Yesss! Got it!_

"Hey Messer! Wait up! I think I'm up for a drink tonight, after all," she jogged out of their office and caught up to him just as he was reaching their coworkers.

"I thought you had a big date tonight with whatsisname, that mountain you were with who managed to inflict such damage on your furniture." _But then again, I **am** pretty hard to resist. _

"He doesn't get off shift for another hour or so. I've got time for one drink." _And maybe a few more._ She looped arms with Stella as they all entered the elevator. "I need it … for medicinal purposes." She rubbed her backside and shot a wry smile around the small space at all of her sniggering friends.

………

They made their way into the crowded bar and back to the corner booth they'd called ahead to reserve. They ordered a couple of pitchers and chatted amiably about work and friends and family and yesterday's party. Lindsay was gratified that they'd seemingly gotten 'the bed incident' out of their systems, though, because while they were all a bit too cheerful at times and obvious biting their tongues, there were no further comments about her, her furniture, or her rather large boyfriend.

After finishing her first beer, Lindsay looked at her watch. "Alright guys, it's time for me to go. I promise I'll stay longer, next time."

"Aww… c'mon Linds! Call him and tell him to meet you here," Stella begged. "Don't leave me alone with all of these men! I'll die from the testosterone!"

"Yeah, Linds, stay a while! I wanted to buy you a drink to thank you for yesterday," Hawkes smiled, "… and maybe make up for this morning, too."

_That's awfully sweet of him to say. He might just escape my wrath._ "Sorry guys, but if I have to choose between my crazy coworkers and a hot fireman… I'm gonna go with the fireman." She wiggled her way out of the booth and waved to everyone, "Have a good night, guys!"

She left to a chorus of good-byes and made her way to the door. Looking over her shoulder when she got there, she made sure that no one was watching her. Then she carefully maneuvered her way to the bar.

"Excuse me? Hi." she smiled at the bartender. "See that guy over there? The one with the glasses and the blue shirt?" she pointed at Danny.

"The one beside the hot chick?" he was referring to Stella.

Lindsay laughed, "Yeah, him. It's his birthday, and he wants to buy a round of beers for the bar. Do you think you could make some sort of announcement? We were going to try at our table, but I don't think anyone could hear us over this." She looked up at him sweetly.

"Sure, no problem. I'll get on the mic." Reaching behind him, the bartender tapped a mic and asked for attention. Then he turned back to Lindsay,"Oh hey, what's this guy's name?"

"Danny Messer."

"Hey folks, listen up. We've got ourselves the patron saint of beer in here tonight. Seems it's Mr. Danny Messer's birthday," Lindsay watched as all heads from her table swiveled over to stare at the bartender, "and he wants to buy you all a beer. Can we please give it up for the birthday boy?"

The entire bar broke out into a huge cheer.

Lindsay stood up on a bar stool so that Danny and the rest of her coworkers could see her and flashed a huge grin before waving jauntily one more time. _Revenge really **is** sweet._

Danny Messer sat there, stunned, amazed that she'd gotten him back so quickly and so well. _Ya gotta be kiddin' me. _He barely felt the thumps on the back he was getting as patrons found out who their benefactor was. _Ohhh man. You better **believe** this means war!_


	14. World War Three years old

**Chapter Fourteen: World War Three (years old)**

Day One:

Lindsay walked into her office to get her coffee mug from the rubble that used to be her desk. _I hope it didn't break. _Looking around her office, she's surprised to see that the overnight maintenance crew have worked wonders and not only does she have a desk and a chair, but it seems like everything has been put back exactly where she likes to keep it.

_Wow. I need to buy those guys a cake or something. This is amazing!_

Reaching down, she plucked her mug off the desk. Or at least, she tried to. Her brow furrowed as the cup refused to leave the surface. She got a firmer grip and tried again. _What the…?_

Leaning down, she noticed trace amounts of what appeared to be Mighty Glue around the edges of its base. _Messer_.

………

Danny stood in the shower, soaping himself extra carefully to try to get the last vestiges of garbage smell off. He and Hawkes had pulled a dumpster body dump and he'd lost the toss. _ I gotta check that guy's coin next time. He always wins._

His mind wandered back to his early morning activities. He'd had the maintenance guys bring a new desk and chair up to the office he shared with Lindsay, and then he'd gotten to work. He'd replaced everything just the way she always had it, but with a little extra… firmness. Chuckling, wondered if she'd noticed yet that everything on her side of the office was glued down. _Don't mess with the master, Montana. You'll embarrass yourself._

Rinsing the last of the shampoo from his hair, he reached out of the stall for his towel.

His hand patted around in the vicinity of where it should be, finally landing on the empty hook.

_Oh no. _

_Oh, she **didn't**. _

Peeking his head around the stall door, he saw Lindsay Monroe standing nonchalantly in the doorway, twirling with his towel.

"Never mess with a girl's coffee, Messer. Never," she grinned. Then, resisting the urge to see what the rest of a wet and naked Danny might look like, she turned back toward the locker room. "I'll just leave this in your locker for you, shall I?" _And tell all of the female lab techs that the office hottie is wet and naked and completely without a towel._

Day Two:

Lindsay pried the last of her belongings from its cemented position and blew her hair out of her face. _Damn. He's good._

Last night, she'd returned home late only to hear the doorbell ring a few minutes after. Opening it, she'd found three pizza delivery guys and a stack of pies that could feed a small army. There had been 17 in all. Each one had a letter on it, written in toppings. Putting them all together spelled out:

MESSER IS THE MASTER

_But I'm better._

………

Danny stopped short as he entered the AV lab. An expression of pure horror gradually made its way across his face. _Oh no. No no no. No **way**!_

There, on every screen and surrounded by lab techs and detectives who were all watching carefully and with much amusement, were Danny Messer's home videos. One of him as a 2 year old, playing naked in an inflatable pool. One when he was 6 or 7, dressed up in a cowboy suit and riding a broom like a horse. One of him _Oh God!_ when he was a teenager, singing along and headbanging to Guns N Roses.

He let out a strangled noise that only vaguely related to human speech.

"Oh hey, Danny!" everyone turned to look at him and they gave him a round of applause.

He waved weakly, "Hey…"

One of the techs looked slightly confused and said, "I'm not really sure what this means, but Lindsay said to tell you that your Mom says hi."

_Oh, she's **good**._

Day Three:

Lindsay walked into the lab, yawning widely. She hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. "Someone" had gone to a dive bar in the Bronx and written her name and number on the bathroom wall. Never before had she known that when a piece of graffiti said, "For a good time call X" that people actually _did_.

………

Danny stared at his hair in perplexity. _Why is it **blue**? _He looked at his normal-coloured hands and then at the gel sitting on the top shelf of his locker. _Nah. She couldn't… could she?_

Taking the gel over to the mass spec, he learned that in fact, she _could_.

_She's killin' me with science here. _This was the first girl he'd met who'd ever used reagents to turn his hair blue. _But how'd she know what kinda shampoo I use?_ She'd have to, if she wanted the proper reaction to occur when he added the gel to his hair. _She must have spies. Unless my own mother was aiding and abetting again!_

Day Four:

Linday entered the lab with a hunted expression. She had yet to receive payback for the jalapeno toothpaste she'd replaced Danny's usual mint with.

She ran into him in the hallway and they both jumped and stared at each other, warily.

"Alright, that's it. My office, now," Mac said as he watched the two of them.

Meekly, they followed their superior into his glass-walled domain.

"It was funny for a while, but now it's starting to affect your work. I don't care who started it or who pranked last. This little war ends **now**." He shuffled a few folders around on his desk.

He looked up at the pair who were staring at the floor in embarrassment, Lindsay biting her lip and Danny rubbing the back of his neck.

"I know that you guys need to blow off a little steam now and then, but that's no excuse to act like a couple of three year olds." They flinched at the accusation. "I trust I can depend on you to act more professionally from now on. Here's your case."

Danny took the folder, and they left his office quietly.

Mac finally let himself smile. "They're gonna hate me when they realize what I've done."


	15. DEAD, dead

**Chapter Fifteen: D-E-A-D, dead.**

_Mac finally let himself smile. "They're gonna hate me when they realize what I've done."_

"You did **what?**" Stella practically screeched.

"Oh man, I'd pay good money to see that," Flacked laughed.

Hawkes chuckled, "They are definitely going to kill you, Mac. And they'll be able to hide all the evidence, too."

Mac just smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.

………

Danny and Lindsay pulled up outside of Play Time Playhouse. Getting out of the car, they couldn't help but stare up … and up … at the building's giant façade. It was a strange combination of a tree house, a jungle, and Jurassic Park, and neither of them could quite take it all in.

"Y'know, people are always askin' what's wrong with kids these days. I think we just found out." Danny shook his head in resignation, gathering his kit from the back seat.

Lindsay walked to the door with an expression of extreme distaste. "I know that Mac's not that happy with us right now, but did he really have to send us back to kindergarten?" She suddenly remembered his 'stop acting like three year olds' comment, and blushed.

"Don't worry about it, Montana. Let's just get in there and get out again. Try not to pick up any cooties, k?" he smirked at her, and for once she found it amusing rather than annoying.

"That goes double for you, Messer. I've heard about your reputation," she flashed him her brightest smile.

They both adopted more professional facial expressions as they entered the crime scene, but were unable to keep them for long.

They were greeted by a giant purple platypus with a florescent green bill and matching flippers.

Lindsay was the first to regain the power of speech. "H-hi. We're… from the crime lab?" She cleared her throat in an attempt to control her voice. "If you could please show us to the scene of the disturbance…"

"Actually, I can't," the platypus stated flatly.

"Excuse me?" Danny wasn't sure he'd heard that correctly. _I musta been distracted by the fact that a six foot tall aquatic mammal is talking to me. Did that… guy really just refuse us access to the crime scene?_

"I'm afraid that we can't allow you to enter the establishment sans costume. Company policy." The large, furry monotreme folded its short arms and somehow managed to give its bill a determined expression. "I cleared this with your supervisor before you came over here. He said you wouldn't have a problem with that."

The pair of CSI's exchanged a helpless look.

_Mac is a dead man. D-E-A-D, dead._

_I knew he was mad at us, but this? Please God, don't make me have to wear a platypus suit._

Nodding at the Australian animal, they acquiesced and were led down the corridor to the dressing rooms.

The purple creature spoke up again, "I was informed that you will be unable to don the usual animal costumes because of concerns for your ability to process the scene, so I've left out various humanoid costumes for you to choose from. Ladies change over there on the right and gentleman here on the left. Let me know when you're ready, and I'll take you to the scene."

………

Thirty minutes later, Strawberry Shortcake and Yosemite Sam walked into the back room of Play Time Playhouse and started to process.

Shortcake started with pictures of the body while Sam walked the perimeter. There was glass everywhere and he was careful not to let his cowboy boots disturb any of it. Unfortunately, though, his oversized moustache was really starting to itch and suddenly the tickling sensation manifested itself in a giant sneeze.

"Bless…" Shortcake started before letting out a squeal of alarm. "Danny! I mean… Sam! The body just moved!"

"What? Are you kiddin' me?" _Her wig must be on too tight._

"I swear, when you sneezed, this guy jumped." Putting down her camera, she leaned down carefully to avoid disturbing the blood pool and took the victim's wrist in her hand. "I've got a pulse! He's still alive!"

Sam immediately got on the phone with dispatch. "I need rescue to the Play Time Playhouse on 83rd right now! We've got a man, mid-thirties, multiple stab wounds who's lost a lotta blood!"

"Cancel that, dispatch."

Both characters whirled at the sound of Mac's voice.

"Mac! This man is still alive! He needs rescue!" Lindsay took her hat off and pressed it against the man's side, putting pressure on the wound.

"I know he's still alive, and he doesn't need rescue." Mac turned to the blood-covered man on the floor. "Thanks for the help, Steve. I owe you one." Reaching down, he helped the 'victim' to his feet.

"No problem, Mac. Always glad to help out with one of your stunts." He gingerly removed the blood-soaked shirt he'd been wearing to reveal a complicated setup of squibs that had been leaking blood onto the floor around him.

_Oh. My. God. _

_You've **got** to be fckin' **kiddin'** me!_

The junior detectives watched in shocked silence as their 'murder victim' walked out the door, and it was only when he high-fived Flack on the way out that they noticed a good portion of the lab was staring at them in abject amusement.

They looked from the door to each other to themselves, taking in their costumes and the ridiculousness of the situation, and that's when the flash bulbs started to go off.

"I think you'll both agree," Mac said with a raised eyebrow and an amused expression, "that **I** am the master."

They could only nod in agreement, still too awed by the sheer scope of the prank to fully appreciate his comment.

"Go ahead and clean up, and I don't want to see you at the lab again until tomorrow. If I hear about any more pranks being pulled, you know what to expect. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," they said in unison.


	16. Synonyms

**Author's Note:** That last chapter has finally pushed me to bow to the inevitable and reclassify this as Humour/Romance instead of General/Romance. It's kind of hard to deny that a 6 foot tall purple platypus sort of belongs in the "humour" genre. I'll try to rein in my rather… strange sense of humour a bit in this one 

**Chapter Sixteen: Synonyms**

They had taken their time to redress in their normal clothes, hoping that everyone would have given up and gone back to the lab before they were finished. Creeping slowly down the corridor, Danny quickly poked his head around the corner and scouted out the situation.

"We're clear."

"I don't know why we're trying to be so circumspect. They have more than enough photographic evidence to torture us with this from now until the end of time." _I'd just managed to get them past 'the bed incident,' too! Oh, for the day that I can walk into the lab **without** fear of mortal embarrassment._

"Well yeah… but this way, we have a little time to get ourselves plastered before they start in on us." _And if I'm drunk when I 'accidentally' hit Mac, maybe he won't fire me._

"Get ourselves what?" _I'm supposed to get drunk with Danny Messer at 3 o'clock in the afternoon? I see that going nowhere good._

"Plastered. Hosed. Shit-faced. Two sheets to the wind. High as a kite. Under the influence. Intoxicated. Wrecked. Smashed. Pickled. Plowed. Juiced. Liquored-up. Clobbered. Blitzed. Hammered…"

"You know, on the one hand, I'm tempted to see just how many synonyms you can up with. On the other hand, I don't want to be standing here a week from now." She shrugged in defeat. "I'm driving."

………

"I don't **hate** you, hate you. I just hate you is all," she patiently explained as they started in on their fifth round. It was just after six o'clock.

"What'd I ever do to you?" Danny asked, taking umbrage at the very notion. _I've been nothing but nice to this girl, and she **hates** me? Eesh. You gotta be kiddin' me._

Lindsay started to tick things off on her fingers, "You told me to call Mac 'sir.' You refuse to use my name and refer to me only by my home state. You glued down everything in my office. You gave my name and number to half of the low-lifes in the city…"

"And for **that** you **hate** me? Psht. Forget about it." _Man, when you put 'em all together like that, it does sound kinda bad._

"Well, it's not like I'm completely set in stone about that or anything." _I guess I haven't exactly been fabulous to you, either._

"Ya mean, I've still got a shot?" his face took on a hopeful look.

"I'm not saying you'll ever be my favourite person on the planet or anything, but I can consider the possibility of perhaps, someday not completely hating your breathing guts with the fire of a thousand suns." _Maybe_.

Danny drained his glass as he puzzled his way through that sentence. "Cool. Want another?"

"You paying?"

………

By the time the rest of the team showed up at around 8pm, Danny and Lindsay were huddled together in the corner of a booth, laughing at everything the other one said and spilling more beer than they were actually ingesting.

"I can't believe you actually had to fake a murder to get those two to stop being at each other's throats." Stella shook her head in amazement as she took in the picture that was before her.

"Hey, it worked, didn't it? C'mon, let's sit down and see if we can catch up to them." Mac dragged her over to the booth and waved the rest of the gang over, too. "This round is on me."

………

Lindsay rolled over and immediately regretted the movement. Somehow, her brain had swelled overnight such that it was now at least triple the size of her skull. Placing a hand over her eyes, she tried to remember what exactly she'd done that could possibly result in a hangover this bad.

_The fake crime scene. Strawberry Shortcake. Half the lab pointing and laughing. Beers with Danny… lots and lots of beers with Danny. Oh God. I'm **never**_ _drinking again in my life. _

She rode out the wave of nausea that swept through her as she adjusted herself to a sitting position on the bed. She pulled down the T-shirt she was wearing and concentrated on breathing without hurting her head.

_Wait a second. I don't have a bed. Mine's broken. I just have a mattress on the floor. _

She carefully opened one eye and then shut it again, immediately, as the light coming in from the window pierced her brain like an icepick.

_I'm also pretty sure that I wasn't wearing a T-shirt yesterday. _She was starting to get a bad feeling about things.

_Ok, think. What's the last thing you remember? _She squinted with the effort of recollection. _There was the bar… and the beer… and collapsing on top of Danny when he'd told a particularly funny joke… Oh god. Danny? No. No way. Not possible. _

She opened her eyes to the point of being mere slits and found that to be somewhat bearable. Glancing around the bedroom she was occupying, she didn't see any immediate signs of whom it might belong to, but with her eyes mostly closed like that, she couldn't really see much.

That's when she heard bare feet padding down the hallway in her direction.

"You up yet, sleepy head?"

She recognized that voice…


	17. To Get To The Other Side

**Author's Note:** I mentally debated the benefits of each different character as being the one Lindsay ended up staying the night with. In fact, I sort of wish that had a "choose your own adventure" option for stories, then I could write them all. In the end, though, I had to pick one and go with it. I hope you like it.

**Chapter Seventeen: To Get to the Other Side**

"You up yet, sleepy head?"

Lindsay's expression changed from pain to… well, pain tinged with confusion. _How did I manage to wind up **here** of all places?_

Sheldon Hawkes walked into the room and took in the rumpled and obviously hungover form of his coworker. "Oh good, you are." He came over and sat on the edge of the bed. "I come bearing gifts: coffee and aspirin." Putting the coffee on the bedside table, he handed her the pills and a small glass of water.

"Thank you," she said with a voice husky from sleep. She cleared her throat, "What exactly happened last night, Hawkes?" _How drunk **was** I?_

Taking in her wary expression, he laughed and then chuckled as he noticed her wince at the loud noise. "You don't remember?"

Lindsay looked at the former M.E., absorbing the fact that they were sitting on a bed together, she in nothing but a T-shirt and panties and he similarly attired in a T-shirt and boxers. She shook her head mutely and reached for the coffee, drinking half of it in one gulp and not even noticing that she'd burned her throat.

_Coffee. I need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee to wake me up and make it so that I didn't somehow sleep with Hawkes. I mean, he's cute and all… God knows I haven't looked at him the same way since Jess' comment the other night, but I mean, he's **Hawkes**! I can't sleep with Hawkes! And yet, apparently, I **did**_ _sleep with Hawkes. Oh my God, I slept with Hawkes!_

Sheldon watched his friends eyes grow wider and a look of horror cross her face. He chuckled again. "Nothing happened between us, so you can get that look off your face."

_How did he know what I was thinking?_ She gave him an apologetic look and took another sip of her coffee. "Then what about…" gesturing at their respective clothing, she let the rest of the sentence dangle.

He smirked, "This," he indicated his state of relative undress, "isn't because of you."

_Now I'm **really**_ _confused._

Jess walked into the room wearing a towel around her body and another one around her hair.

"My God! She lives!" she clutched her chest in a mock heart attack.

Lindsay blinked and then looked into her coffee mug, wondering if there were some sort of hallucinogen added to her morning drink.

"Ok, I'm way too tired and hungover to figure this out on my own. Explain. Now." _This ought to be good._

"What's to explain?" Jess asked. "You got bombed at the bar last night, and Sheldon brought you home. I let you sleep on my bed because you childishly refused to sleep on a mattress and we couldn't argue with you in your inebriated state."

_Bombed. Yet another word to add to the list. I wonder how many synonyms for drunk there **are** in the English language?_

"Alright, that explains why **I'm** here, but what about him?" she indicated the former M.E.

Sheldon coughed as they both blushed, "Well, you see Lindsay…" he motioned between himself and her roommate, "Jess and I are kind of … together. Ish."

"Ish?" The redhead swatted him on the shoulder. "Let's see if you get any more 'ish' in the near future."

"I just mean that we haven't made any sort of announcement or anything. You're the first one to know." He looked up at the young woman who was still trying to beat him up. "Is that better?"

Jess pouted, "It'll do… for now. But I expect you to buy me a really nice dinner before I forgive you, completely." She gave him one last swat. "Now get out of here, both of you, so I can get ready in peace!"

Lindsay and Sheldon shuffled out of the room, trying not to look at each other in their pyjamas.

"I'll just…" he gestured toward the kitchen.

"I'm just gonna…" she gestured to the bathroom.

_This is going to be a weird day._

………

Danny walked into work and cheerfully greeted his office mate.

"**Good** mornin', Montana! Beautiful day, ain't it?" _I want to die._

She raised her head from where it had been resting heavily on the desk and glared at him. "Why, **why** are you so … so… **happy**?" _He had at **least** as much to drink as I did. Why isn't he curled up in a foetal ball, crying for his Mommy?_

"The sun's shinin', the birds are chirpin'… it's a gorgeous day in the best city on the planet. Why _wouldn't_ I be happy?" _Unless you're talking about this headache that could stun a team of oxen in their tracks._

She gave him a disbelieving look, then returned her head to its previous resting place.

Relieved, Danny closed his own eyes as he gingerly lowered himself into his chair. _Don't let her see you weak, man. Just suck it up and get through the day. _

Both of them jumped and cringed at the loud knock on their door.

"Good mornin' you lushes. How's the hangovers?" Flack enquired, receiving two death glares in return. "Ookay, then. Got a case for you. Think ya can handle it in your current … conditions?"

………

Lindsay looked at the corpse. She looked around for signs of hidden cameras. She looked at the corpse again. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again.

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?" Flack asked.

"Technically, he didn't actually cross it. He got runover halfway," Danny squatted down and started taking pictures. _What is it about me that attracts guys in novelty animal suits? Seriously._

The victim was James Stenson, 19, mascot for Chuckie's Chicken Shack. He'd been hit by a car and had died instantly.

"Hey Montana, ya think you could grab us a bucket to go when you're done talkin' to the manager?"

………

"How are you doing today, Linds?" Stella asked with a combination of amusement and concern.

"… I… I'm… you know what? Just don't ask." Lindsay was starting to doubt the healing powers of coffee, but she poured herself another cup anyway.

"I heard you pulled the chicken case. Tough break, coming right after the platypus and all." Stella poured herself a cup, too.

"I understand that Mac wants to punish us for being childish all week, but did he really have to do this?" Lindsay leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes, willing away the pounding between her ears.

"Mac's not here. He went down to Miami on a case."

"Well, if Mac didn't assign us that case, then who…" she opened her eyes in realization.

"Oops. Time for me to get my results from Trace! Bye!" Stella disappeared out the door.

_And all this time, I've been thinking she's the nice one._


	18. Romantic Interlude

**Chapter Eighteen: Romantic Interlude**

"_Hey you,"_ Lindsay smiled at the sound of Chris' voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey yourself."

"_So I was thinking…"_

"Yeah?" _Please, please, please have the night off tonight? Pretty please with a chocolate covered cherry on top?_

"_I'm getting off shift pretty early tonight…"_

**_Yesss!_** "Oh yeah?" she started doing a little victory dance around the break room, pumping her fist in jubilation.

He chuckled, almost as if he could see her.

"… _and I was just wondering…"_

"Yeeees?" _Spit it out, already, so that I can say yes!_

She was catching her breath as the break room opened.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out for dinner with me?"

Lindsay spun around to find her boyfriend standing in the break room doorway. Her mouth worked up and down and her eyes were huge as her brain tried to process what exactly this meant. _Oh crap. He really **could**_ _ see me do the dance of joy earlier. Way to be a total and complete dork, Monroe._

Resisting the urge to either run and hide or smack herself in the forehead, Lindsay closed her cell and cleared her throat, willing the pinkness in her cheeks to subside.

"That'd be…" she cleared her throat again, "That'd be good, yeah."

"I was hoping you'd say that," he grinned broadly. She was so cute when she was embarrassed.

"I'll just … go… lockers… right back…" she slowly made her way past him and out of the door, all while looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

He just watched her go and then stood there chuckling and shaking his head. "God, she's cute," he said to himself.

"Who, Montana?" Danny entered the room in time to hear the fireman's remark.

"Montana?"

"Lindsay." _He doesn't know she's Montana? Weird._

"Ohhh. Yeah, Linds. She's just completely adorable, y'know?"

_I've noticed. _"Yeah, sure. You two goin' out tonight?"

"Yeah. We haven't seen much of each other this week because I've been on nights and she's been on days. Shift work doesn't make for an easy relationship, y'know?"

"I been there, man." _Still am there, actually. I wonder how Cindy's gonna take me canceling on her again._

"Ready to go?" Lindsay blushed again when she saw who it was that Chris was talking to. _Great. The two of them are getting all buddy-buddy. That's **just** what I need to make my life easier. Ugh._

"Yup! See ya… Danny, right?"

"Right. Have a good night, you too." _Don't do anything I think you wouldn't do, Montana._

………

Lindsay tangled her hands in Chris' hair and pulled him even tighter against her as he pressed her into the door. Moaning into his mouth, she wished he were a bit shorter. _He's such a good kisser, but my neck always hurts at the end of the night, damnit. Why couldn't he be the height of a normal person, like Danny. _

She paused in her kissing as she realized who exactly she was comparing him to.

"Something wrong?" he asked, out of breath.

_Just the fact that I spontaneously fantasized about a guy I don't like all that much while I was kissing the one that I like a lot. _"Yeah, " she breathed, "You're too freaking tall."

He smiled against her lips, "Well, I know one way that we can be the same height." He nipped at her bottom lip and looked at her hopefully.

She grinned and pretended to think about it for a moment before unlocking her door and pulling him into her apartment by the front of his shirt.

………

_Screw this._

Danny tossed down the pen he'd been taking notes with and ran his fingers through his short hair. Taking off his glasses, he rubbed his eyes and the bridge of his nose, then replaced them on his face.

_I been at this at least nine hours now, and I just can't concentrate anymore. _Not that he was willing to admit what it was that was distracting him.

Looking at his watch, he made a decision.

"Hey Cindy?" he said into his cell phone. "I know I missed dinner, but I was wondering if I could interest you in some dessert?"

Twenty minutes later, he showed up at her door with a pint of Vermonty Python ice cream and two pieces of chocolate cheesecake (New York style, of course).

She laughed when he struck a dramatic pose and presented them to her. "Sweets for the sweet!" _Corny is almost the same as romantic, right?_

She rolled her eyes, but kept smiling as she dragged him into her apartment. They were kissing before the door finished closing.


	19. Nature vs Nurture

**Chapter Nineteen: Nature vs. Nurture**

"What's got the two of them in such good moods? They're bein' _nice_ to each other, and it's startin' to freak me out," Flack shuddered as he and Stella walked past the layout room where Lindsay and Danny were studying photos from the hit and run scene and comparing treads to impressions they'd made of the suspect's tires.

"I don't know about Danny, but Lindsay had a date with her hot fireman last night," Stella smiled as she watched them work. "It's good to see them not fighting for a change."

"It's unnatural is what it is," Flack stated vehemently.

"What's unnatural?" Hawkes asked as he met them in the hallway.

Flack stuck a thumb in the direction of the pair in question. "That."

"Wow. They're… are those _smiles_ I see?"

"Exactly," Flack gave Stella a triumphant look. She just rolled her eyes in response.

"C'mon guys! It's not like it's completely unbelievable that they could, y'know, _get along_."

The two men shared a look and turned to their coworker. "Yes. It is," they said in unison.

………

"Well whaddaya know?" Danny shook his head as he rechecked their results. "I knew there was something about that guy that I didn't like." _Besides his wardrobe._

Lindsay led the way to Interrogation. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath before entering the room. _Be professional._

Steeling herself, she turned the knob and then bit the inside of her cheek when she saw the scene in front of her.

A young man of perhaps 20 years or so sat on the metal folding chair behind the table in the interrogation room. His hair was mussed and he hadn't shaved in a few days, but that wasn't anything remarkable. They often had suspects who were in much worse shape than this. The thing that made it so difficult for her to control her facial expression was his choice of outfit.

He was, from the neck down, a fuzzy, bright yellow chicken. She knew that, if she looked under the table, she would see two large, orange three-toed feet. Closing her eyes once more, she tried to convince herself that she wasn't about to interrogate Big Bird.

………

"I can't believe you laughed!"

"You did, too! You laughed so hard you cried!"

"Oh yeah, well… well… you snorted!"

"I did NOT snort!"

"Do you want to listen to the recording?"

The shouting match continued all the way from Interrogation to the evidence locker. Stella wordlessly put a ten dollar bill each into the palms of Hawkes and Flack.

"Pleasure doin' business with you, Detective," Flack whistled his way down the hall to the elevator.

"Think I'll go get myself something nice for lunch," Hawkes said with a smile before following his friend.

Stella just sighed.

**Author's Note: **this is just a quick little chapter to finish off that bird case (the rooster did it!) in a sort of half-assed way. I wanted to be rid of the funny because the next episode is the one with Darius, and that's hardly a laugh riot. I'm going to watch it again and then decide how exactly I'll approach fitting it into this wacky little AU I've got going. I don't want to skip over it, but the tone doesn't really fit with what I've been writing. Most likely, I'll update with one more chapter today… possibly two if I'm _really_ keen.


	20. Darius

**Chapter Twenty: Darius**

Everyone was much quieter than usual as they entered the Endicott residence. Even with all of the crime scenes they'd witnessed, there was something deeply disturbing about the way he'd played in the victims' blood.

_What kind of psychopath must he be in order to **do** something like this?_ Lindsay looked around herself in horror as she took in the extent of the crime scene. _I haven't seen anything this bad since… _She stopped herself and took a deep breath. _Now's not the time for those memories._ Pushing them to the back of her mind, she concentrated on the table in the living room.

"What's with all the pills?" she asked, trying to get her mind focused squarely on the case at hand.

"It's a pharm party." Stella answered.

"What's a farm party?"

"Pharmaceuticals. Empty your parents' medicine cabinet, then pop until you drop…"

_City kids sure do know how to party_. _Eesh_.

"… most of these drugs don't even _get_ you high."

Mac entered the room and gave them their assignments. Lindsay was disappointed that she'd been relegated to the lab instead of the scene.

"Sir, I've worked big crime scenes before. I've got two hands, I'm ready to work." _I may be the new girl, but that doesn't mean I can't handle it. C'mon, Mac!_

"This is a high profile case, Lindsay. I want you in the lab. I need your full attention."

Lindsay inwardly fumed. _What? I'm not competent enough to handle a high profile case? I thought he recruited me because he thought I was **good**. What good can I be holed up in the lab while they're all processing the scene?_

………

Lindsay sighed in frustration as she worked on the fibers from the elevator. _I should be out there **doing**_ _ something, not stuck in here in the lab! Damnit, how am I supposed to become a reliable member of the team if Mac won't let me in on the tough cases?_

Danny knocked on the door as he entered the Trace lab.

"Whaddaya got, Montana?"

"Danny, stop calling me that! It's **Lindsay**. Lindsay Monroe." she said shortly, leaning back into the microscope. _We've only been coworkers for **months** now, is all. You'd think he could have the common **decency**_ _to know my freaking **name!**_

"Alright, alright. I'm just joking." _Whoa, what the hell? She's not usually **that** pissed at me. _

"Well, it's not **funny**. Am I supposed to be the new girl **and **the butt of all your jokes?" _Inconsiderate jerk._

"You upset that Mac dismissed you?" _I thought you were tougher than that, Montana._

"I can handle it." _He didn't **dismiss**_ _me. He just… oh screw it._

"It's not about that. He was, he was lookin' out for you. You saw that place. It was like a slaughterhouse in there." _I wouldn't wish a sight like that on anyone, especially you._

"What you think I haven't seen blood like that before?" The images popped into her brain, unbidden.

"I dunno, tell you the truth," he shrugged. "Have you?" His eyes filled with concern.

"**Yes**. And a lot worse than that." She took a breath and focused on the case again, explaining what she'd found out about the fiber he'd found in the elevator.

_Don't close up on me, Montana. I wanna know what it is that keeps you so shut off from everyone else. _

………

Lindsay sat in the darkest corner of the bar and nursed her drink. She'd turned off her cell phone, not wanting to have to lie to Jess or Chris about being at work and not wanting to explain how she didn't want to be around them right now. They wouldn't be able to understand how she felt after being immersed in such a violent crime, and she didn't even know how to begin to explain.

She waved the waitress over and ordered another drink.

"Drinkin' alone? That's not a good sign Mon… Lindsay." Danny indicated the seat across from her and when she didn't react, he took it as permission to sit down.

She sighed. "What are you doing here, Danny?" _Like this day hasn't been crappy enough, already._

"I tried to call you and your phone was off. I got worried," he shrugged. _Talk to me, Montana. Don't keep it all inside._

"**You**? Worried about **me**? You're kidding me, right?" _Next thing, he'll be telling me he's actually an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse._

Reaching across the table, he took her hand, forcing her to look him in the face. "I'm bein' completely serious here, Monroe, if you'd stop being pigheaded for 5 seconds and listen to me." _That didn't come out quite as gentle and understanding as I wanted it to. _

Snatching her hand back, she thanked the waitress who brought her drink. Danny ordered a beer, and then they settled back in their chairs and stared at each other.

"You know, I came here because I didn't feel like being sociable," she pointed out to him.

"A bar is a kinda strange place to go to be unsociable, don'tcha think? Bars are sociable places. Something to do with the large amounts of alcohol, I think." _Give it up, Linds. I'm not goin' anywhere til you spill your guts. _He gave the waitress a nod and a smile as she dropped off his pint.

"Bars are also where people go when they want to avoid everyone they know and just get completely fucking hammered to the point of amnesia." _I just want to forget. Is that too much to ask?_

Now, he was really concerned. Lindsay wasn't usually one to swear.

"Lindsay…" he reached for her hand again, but she withdrew it and placed it in her lap.

"I guess I'll have to find a different one." She dropped a few bills on the table to cover her tab and quickly stood up. "Don't follow me, Messer. I really don't want to have to deal with you, right now."

Danny rubbed the back of his neck and cursed under his breath. _Well, fuck. That didn't go as planned, at all._


	21. On the Street Where You Live

**Chapter Twenty-One: On the Street Where You Live**

Lindsay sighed and rooted around in her purse for her keys as she walked the last half-block to her apartment. She'd given up on the idea of getting drunk after she'd walked out on Danny and had gone to a nearby movie theatre, instead. Sitting in the dark, surrounded by strangers and not really watching the movie, she was able to disconnect from reality for a while.

She stopped short when she arrived at the steps to her building. Sitting there, asleep, leaning against the cement wall, was Danny Messer. _What in the world is he doing here?_

"Messer?" she reached out and gave his shoulder a light shake. "Danny?"

His eyes opened slowly and he shook his head to clear out the cobwebs. Taking off his glasses, he rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair before replacing them on his nose. "Oh hey, Mon… roe. Lindsay. Howyadoin'? Y'alright?" _She doesn't look like she's drunk. Here's hoping she thought better of the alcoholic remedy. _ He yawned once and then started to get to his feet. She motioned him to stay where he was and sat down next to him.

"I'm fine." Seeing his disbelieving look, she amended her statement. "I will be fine. It was just … one of those days, y'know?" _One of those days, and then some._

He nodded emphatically. _ I definitely got that impression._

"I'm sorry for snapping at you all day." _And I'm sorry about walking out on you at the bar._

"Forget about it." _I'm just glad to see you're ok._

"Thanks for tracking me down at that bar, even though it was none of your business and it really pissed me off that you did it." _It was actually really sweet of you._

Danny laughed, "I'm going to choose to interpret that as gratitude instead of criticism." _Smile for me, Montana. Let me see that smile that lights up the whole damned city._

She let herself grin at him. "I suppose I can't stop a CSI from interpreting, now can I?"

"It'd be like stopping a fish from swimming."

"Stopping a bird from flying."

"Stopping Hawkes from trying to determine the cause of death at the scene."

They both cracked up, letting out the day's tension with some much-needed laughter.

As their laughter faded, they noticed how they'd moved closer together and how their faces were just inches apart. The last few echoes died down and suddenly they were very aware of each other and the intimate position they were in, practically hugging on the doorstep.

Danny was just leaning in towards her and Lindsay was trying frantically to decide what to do when Sheldon Hawkes, himself, opened the door to her building and came out, breaking the moment.

"Hey guys!" he greeted them. "What are you doing sitting out here?"

"It's a nice night, so we just wanted to enjoy it a bit before going inside." _I wonder if he noticed anything. Not that there was anything to notice. I mean, there's no way in hell that Danny Messer was thinking about kissing me._

"Yeah, Monroe here wanted to point out some constellations and stuff, but you can't really see 'em from here." _What the hell was that? C'mon, Messer! You've got a hot Italian chick just waiting to jump you when you get home. What are ya doin' thinkin' that way about **Montana** of all people?_

Hawkes nodded, "Yeah, that's one thing I hate about the city. I miss the stars." He looked up in a vain attempt to see them. "Anyway, I'm gonna get some takeout. You guys want anything?"

Danny shook his head, "Nah. I was just making sure she got home ok. I'm gonna get goin' I think." _Before I do something well and truly stupid._

"I'll have a metric tonne of whatever food it is that you're picking up. I'm starving to death, here." _That feeling in my stomach must be hunger because it certainly can't be anything else._

"Deal, but you're going to have to buy me lunch tomorrow to make up for it."

"You're on," she smiled.

"See ya tomorrow, Mon… Lindsay." _God, it's weird to call her that._

"See you tomorrow, Danny," _I think I've gone round the bend. I actually kinda miss him calling me Montana._


	22. Squiggles

**Chapter Twenty-two: Squiggles**

Danny walked into the locker room and wondered if he wanted to see Lindsay or if he'd rather just avoid her. He still wasn't sure what had come over him that night on the stairs, and he didn't want to test himself, just yet. _It was probably just that beer I had. Or that she actually seemed **human**_ _ for a change instead of some kinda super woman or somethin'._

Shaking his head, he opened his locker. A folded piece of paper fell out and landed at his feet. Picking it up, he glanced around as if to see who might have left it.

_Danny –_

_I just wanted to thank you again for checking up on me last night. It means a lot that I have someone in this city who worries about me, even if it is the last person I expected. _

_What do you say? Truce?_

He squinted at the bottom of the page. She'd signed it with what appeared at first glance to be a rectangle drawn by someone who'd sneezed partway through. There was something strangely familiar about it, though. _Where have I seen that before?_

"Hey Danny, how goes?" Adam gave him a friendly slap on the back as he entered the room and opened his locker.

"Not bad," he answered, distractedly. "Hey, what does this look like to you?" He folded the paper to hide the writing and just showed Adam the squiggle that had replaced Lindsay's signature.

Adam tilted his head to the side a bit, bringing his eyebrows together as he considered the sketch. Finally, he shrugged, "If it's not a map of Montana, then I have no idea what it could be."

_Well, fuck me._ Danny's face broke into a broad smirk.

"Did I guess right?"

"Adam, buddy, you hit the nail on the head with that one." Danny whistled and wandered off to his office to go see a lady about a state.

………

"Hey… **Montana**," he ducked back out of the doorway after uttering the name, peeking around the frame as he heard her laugh at his antics.

"Yeah, yeah. You can call me Montana, now, without me ripping your head off, ok? I owe you after yesterday, and this is cheaper than dinner. I've seen how you eat." _Good, just like that. Don't let him know that you like the name. Then you'd never hear the end of it._

_Riiight. She loves it._ "I coulda had dinner? Damn. I could go for a nice steak, too. Or maybe lobster."

Stella rushed in the door, "Linds, grab your kit! We've got shots fired at an apartment building in Chelsea. Mac's gonna meet us there. I'll fill you in on the way." She put her kit between her knees and pulled her jacket on. "Oh, hi Danny."

"Hey, Stella," pulling her hair out from the collar, she left to get the elevator, not waiting for Lindsay to catch up. "Later, Stella," he called after her, waving at her back and smiling. _She sure does love her job._

"See you, Danny."

"See ya… Montana." _Feels good to call her that and not get bitched out afterwards. _

Lindsay flashed him a grin on her way out the door, then jogged down the hall to catch up with Stella.

………

_Always with the garbage detail._ Lindsay blew her bangs out of her face as she stood hip deep in a dumpster. _This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I joined the force._

Mac was looking around the perimeter with a flashlight, but they were pretty sure that anything of interest would be found in the dumpster. The blood on the garbage chute certainly seemed to indicate it, at least. "Anything?"

Looking down at him from her elevated position, she told him, "This new girl stuff has gotta stop."

"Better than sifting through tiger dung," he observed.

"Funny," she replied, flatly.

Taking a deep breath which she immediately regretted, Lindsay dove into the task at hand. _I may be a garbage picker, but I might as well be a **good** one. I just wish that I were finished paying my dues, already._

Ignoring the rustling sounds of what she refused to admit were rats in the corners of the dumpster, she swallowed the bile that rose up in her throat and sifted through the mounds of waste generated by an entire building full of people. _I may never eat again._

She was on the verge of vomiting when she saw brown suede underneath a mangled cardboard box and some newspapers. Clearing away the rubbish, she got a good look at the bloodstain on it. "That looks fresh." She pulled it clear and stood up to pass it down to Mac. "Looks like blood."

She brushed her hair off her face with her forearm as Mac studied the jacket and then dove back into the disgusting pit of hell that was her "office" for this shift. _One down, one to go._ She lifted another garbage bag and tossed it behind her into the section she'd already gone through.

………

Danny made his way past the crime scene tape and over to Sheldon Hawkes who was already hard at work photographing the body.

"Mornin'"

"Hey," Hawkes explained the situation as they assessed the scene. The victim was a local weather girl, but there was no apparent cause for her attack. "Lividity on the face and neck, put time of death at least eight hours ago."

"Actually," Danny looked at his watch. _Carry the one…_ "Ten hours and thirteen minutes."

"It's impossible to be that exact on a TOD."

"Ya think so, Einstein?" Danny bit his lip and smirked at the doctor.

"Danny, I'm a certified pathologist. I _know_ so." Hawkes returned the smirk with one of his own.

"Her coat is damp. I got caught in the rain last night. A twenty minute torrential downpour at 8:45. All of the makeup on the right side of her face is streaked, which means that she was lyin' here dead when the rain began." _Hah. Beat that with a stick._

"Showoff."

………

Wrestling with yet more garbage, _Haven't these people ever heard of 'reduce, reuse, recycle?'_ Lindsay finally hit the jackpot.

"Now, see, that's a shame."

"What's a shame?" Mac continued his inspection of the bloody jacket she'd found earlier.

She stood up, holding her find by the handle and blew her hair out of her face again. "Somebody went and threw away a perfectly good shotgun." Her triumphant expression was only slightly marred by the garbage clinging to her coverall.

………

Lindsay stood under the showers in the locker room hoping that the sheer volume of water that was pouring over her would erase the telltale scent of a dumpster dive. She'd already tried her usual body wash and had borrowed Stella's lilac scented soap with no luck. _C'mon. Third time's the charm. I can't smell like garbage for the rest of my life… can I?_

………

Danny sorted through the victim's belongings, trying to figure out if anything had been stolen during the attack. The SART kit was going through DNA right now, but there had been no obvious sign of rape, so he didn't think that was the motive. _Why would anyone want to murder a weather girl? _It just seemed completely random. _Unless it was someone like me who heard her say that yesterday was going to be sunny skies and gorgeous weather all day and ended up getting drenched on their way home from work._ He frowned, still not finding anything.

He looked up at the sound of voices in the hall.

"… date?" Stella was asking.

"Yeah, how'd you guess?" Lindsay laughed.

"Well, the fact that you've showered three times since getting back from our scene sort of tipped me off. Usually if the first one doesn't do it, you just go home and soak in the tub for a few hours."

"No time to go home. We're meeting at a restaurant near his firehouse, and I have to leave from here if I don't want to sit in traffic 'til next Tuesday."

Stella laughed, "I hear ya. Have a good night!"

"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow!"

_So that's why she's wearin' that tight little sweater today. I thought it was for me. _

He kept working for another hour or so before he'd finished cataloguing all of the deceased's personal affects. After logging them back into the evidence locker, he wandered back to his office.

_Montana –_

_I've decided that you were really_ _mean to me yesterday, and you owe me more than just a nickname. I mean, I tracked you down to make sure you were okay after you'd had a bad day and what do you do? You leave me sitting in a bar like a chump. Plus, you stiffed me on the bill. I had to cover two of your drinks. _

_I want that dinner you mentioned before. You pick the time, and I pick the place. _

He considered for a moment before drawing a quick sketch at the bottom of the page. Folding the paper and leaving it propped up on her keyboard, he decided to call it a night.


	23. Perfection

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Perfection**

Lindsay sniffed herself unobtrusively in the back of the cab. _God, I can't even tell anymore if I smell like garbage. _Self-consciously, she dabbed another bit of perfume on the insides of her wrists but resisted doing any more than that because the only thing worse than smelling like garbage was reeking of perfume. _How bad is it that I'm actually wishing he's come down with a sudden head cold and can't smell anything?_

She gave the cabbie her fare and a decent tip and exited in front of the restaurant. Chris smiled and came forward to give her a hug and a quick kiss. She tensed up a bit as he leaned down to place his lips on hers, but when he didn't recoil in olfactory horror, she relaxed and kissed him back.

"Hi," he whispered into her mouth.

"Hi, yourself," she whispered back. _Suddenly, I'm wishing we were eating take out._

"You look fabulous."

"I do, don't I?" she grinned.

He returned her grin and led her into the restaurant, holding her chair for her as she sat down. _This is definitely my type of guy. Quiet, polite, well-mannered, serious. He's … perfect._ Then why did she have this niggling little voice in the back of her head telling her he was too quiet and polite and serious.

She shook her head to dislodge the thought and gave him her biggest smile before opening her menu.

_Perfect._

………

Danny enjoyed the envious looks he was getting from guys as he and Cindy walked down the streets of New York. She was wearing a hot little number meant to advertise all of her best features, and it succeeded admirably. They were heading to a new club that a friend of hers had told her about. It was supposed to be the best thing since Club 54.

_Then why don't I care?_

She reached up and kissed him as they waited at the corner for the light to change, and he found himself hesitating to return her enthusiastic overture. _Since when have I not wanted a hot chick's tongue in my mouth?_ Mentally shaking himself he pulled her closer to him and deepened the kiss.

A car horn sounded, breaking them apart, and he waved to the guy who'd notified them of the change in the light.

_Cindy's great. She's gorgeous, sexy, fun, and a native New Yorker. She's exactly my type. The same as every girl I've ever dated. She's perfect for me. _

He winced inwardly as she shrieked and ran over to her friends who were waiting outside of the club. Watching them babble on about fashion and movie stars and who did what with whom at the last party, he found himself suddenly bored.

"C'mon, Danny! We're headin' in!" she called.

He pasted a smile on his face and went in after them.

_Perfect._

**_Author's Note:_ **another short chapter, I know, but I'm only halfway through episode 8. It's almost 2am, so I might or might not update again before morning (well, morning my time), but Chapter 24 will include everyone's favourite Walrus Documentary. Maybe that'll help bring me back to the funny and away from all of this cheesy romance and drama ;)


	24. Ain't Nothin' but Mammals

**Chapter Twenty-Four: You and Me, Baby, Ain't Nothin' but Mammals**

"You've got that look on your face, again"

"What look?"

"Like you've just had sex."

"…"

Danny walked in on the last line of the conversation. "Who's just had sex?" _Besides yours truly, of course._

"No one!"

"Lindsay!"

Lindsay and Flack spoke at the same time, her blushing furiously and him grinning broadly. He had to dance quickly to the side in order to avoid the punch she threw at him. She still managed to glance it off his upper arm.

"Hey, that hurt, Monroe!" he grabbed his bicep and adopted a pained expression. When she turned around he shook his head and mouthed "No way!" behind her back. Danny's chuckled turned her around again, by which point Flack was back to nursing his wound.

"So, ya got lucky last night, Montana?" _I looked up that country girl thing, by the way. I guess it must be true, from the sounds of this conversation._

"Luck had nothing to do with it, Messer." _Unlike **some**_ _people, I have sex within in the confines of a **relationship, **instead of just picking up some floozy at a bar._

"Don't tell me ya had to **pay** for it! We tend to frown on that down at the precinct." Flack crouched down into a defensive position as Lindsay rounded on him again. Behind her, Danny flashed two thumbs up and mouthed, "Nice one!"

"Hey guys, what's up?" Sheldon asked as he entered the break room.

"Lindsay had sex last night!"

"Montana's beating up Flack!"

"These morons are driving me nuts!"

Hawkes looked from one of his friends to the other and then shook his head. "I'm sorry I asked."

………

A few hours later, Adam had worked his magic with the destroyed video tape that Danny and Sheldon had found in the weather girl's desk at the station and the three men stood in AV, ready to watch it.

"Okay," Adam said as he set up the tape, "Let's see what Tara Stanfield didn't want the world to see." He pressed play and the screen gradually changed from static to a slightly wonky picture of walruses mating on rocks with a voiceover straight from the Discovery Channel. The three of them looked from each other to the screen in consternation.

"Walruses," Sheldon said with a load of skepticism in his voice, "Are you serious?"

That's about when the tape changed and suddenly they were treated to a view of the mating habits of a different species entirely. Moans filled the room as they watched their victim, half-naked, making the beast with two backs with an unidentified male.

"Those aren't walruses," Danny said, ever good at stating the obvious. He raised his eyebrows in appreciation of a particularly stunning movement on the part of the couple which landed them on the bed.

They tilted their heads sideways, the better to take in the full… experience being enjoyed by the couple on the screen. Lindsay, walking by on her way to talk to Mac about her own case, backed up to do a double take. _Wait a second. **I**_ _have to spend four hours of my life digging around in a dumpster for my case, and **they**_ _get to stand around in the AV lab watching **porn? **That is so not fair!_

"Footage from your 30th birthday party, Messer?" she asked, arms folded across her chest.

"Walrus documentary, actually," he replied, his face a study in concentration as he continued to watch his victim … enjoy her free time. _I wonder if I could pull that off…_

"It's Tara Stanfield, our victim from the park," Hawkes explained, managing to tear his eyes from the screen in order to address Lindsay, directly. He was making some mental notes that he'd have to share with Jess later that evening.

"Who's the other walrus?" Lindsay enquired, tilting her head like her coworkers, to get a better view. _That **can't**_ _be comfortable._

"I dunno, but whoever he is, he's in for a nice, long chat." _I wonder if I can work some questions about his technique into the interrogation…_

"He's probably also in for a chiropractic appointment. He looks like he's about to throw his back out." _No wonder the girl ended up dead, the way they're going at it. I'm just surprised she didn't kill him, first._

"Ya think?" Adam asked, squinting at the screen. He'd just been calculating some of the angles involved and had come to the decision that, if his bed were about three inches shorter, he'd be able to pull off that flip-move thing he'd seen earlier.

"Definitely. And speaking as a woman, there's no way those moans of hers are real." _I've heard better faking in a beginner's ventriloquist class._

With that, all three men turned to stare at her in surprise.

"What? You thought those were **real**?" _Gimme a break!_

They all blushed and stammered out their denials.

"Anyway, enjoy your… walruses. I've got to see a man about a poker game."


	25. The First Sign of the Apocalypse

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The First Sign of the Apocalypse**

Danny walked into his office to finish the paperwork on the weather girl case. He was still obsessing about that faking comment Lindsay had made. _There's no way that was fake. Chicks can't sound that into it and not mean it… can they? Nah. _He bit his lip as he continued to ponder.

"Hey Messer, nice pull on the cameraman," Lindsay looked up from her own paperwork and complimented his arrest.

"Yeah, thanks," he answered distractedly. His brow furrowed in concentration as he thought back upon previous (and current!) love affairs and tried to determine if he'd ever noticed a woman fake her orgasm with him. He shook his head at the thought. _No way. Never happen._ Still, his eyes took on a slightly hunted look at the thought.

"You ok, there, Danny?" Usually, her partner was more loquacious. _For three months, he hasn't shut up. Now, suddenly, he's quiet as a church mouse. I wonder what happened._

"There's just no way." _None. Period._

"Uhhh.. ookay. There's no way." Lindsay agreed with him but couldn't resist her curiosity. "No way what?"

Danny looked up at her and coughed nervously. "Nothing. Not important."

She raised her eyebrows at his blush. _Danny Messer can blush? Wow. This must be the first sign of the Apocalypse. _"You sure? Doesn't seem like 'nothing' to me."

_Tell her, and you'll never live it down. _He shook his head and gave her a smirk. "You worried about me Montana?"

"Mostly I'm just worried about your ability to sketch out crime scenes. What exactly is this supposed to be, anyway?" she held out the note he'd left her the night before, pointing to the picture he'd signed it with.

"Whaddaya mean 'What is it?' It's perfectly obvious what it is!" His artistic sensibilities were offended by her inability to identify something so obviously well-drawn.

"And yet, I have no earthly clue as to what it might be. Therefore, one of us must be smoking crack, and I know it's not me."

"Who's doing what now?" Mac asked as he poked his head in the door on his way past.

"Danny's smoking crack," Lindsay calmly replied. _I owed you that, after this morning._

"Mac! I am not!"

"I've told you before to do that on your own time, Danny. I don't want you bringing that stuff to work," Mac said with a completely straight face.

Lindsay tried to cover her laughter with a cough as she watched Danny's expression change from outrage to defeat. "And Lindsay?" Mac looked over to her, "No more soliciting sexual favours, alright? I don't want to have to explain to a judge why I'm bailing one of my CSI's out of jail."

She sat there, stunned, as Danny sniggered at her expense.

Mac turned to continue on his way. "Always remember, I hear **everything**."

………

Lindsay returned home to the sound of thumps and giggles coming from her roommate's bedroom. _Sounds like Sheldon's trying out some walrus moves on her._ One of the squeals turned into a small shriek of discomfort. _I **told** them so._

She turned around and headed back out the door again. _I wonder if I can interest Chris in some Discovery Channel…_

………

Danny reflected on the sleeping form of Cindy lying beside him. _There's no way in hell that a woman can **fake** that kinda reaction. There's just no way. If she could fake that well, she'd be a porn star by now. That was definitely the real deal. _

His brow creased with concern again.

_Definitely._

………

"I can't take it anymore!" Danny nearly shouted as he stormed into his shared office three days later.

Lindsay jumped and raised her eyebrows in surprise. _What the…_

"Can't take what, exactly?" she asked in a reasonable tone.

"You weren't serious about the faking thing, were you?" he asked, his voice tinged with desperation.

She wrinkled her brow and squinted, trying to put his question into context. "Faking thing…?" she whispered to herself. "What faking…" then the realization hit her. "**Ohh**! The **faking** thing!" She tried to cover her amusement and keep a straight face, "Why do you ask?" _ A little worried about your skills, there, Casanova?_

"Just tell me you weren't serious!" _Please, God, tell me you didn't really mean it, Montana!_

"Do I still have to buy you dinner?"

"What?"

"If I tell you whether or not I was serious, do I still have to buy you dinner?"

Danny hesitated, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. On the one hand, he loved to piss her off, and having her buy him dinner would definitely do that. On the other hand, he **really** wanted to hear her say that she didn't mean what she'd said about the faked orgasm. Finally, he let out an explosive breath.

"Fine. No dinner. Just tell me!"

She stood up and walked over to him, looking him deep in the eyes and playing with the buttons on his shirt. "I meant every word."

"Whoa. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt!" Flack put up his hands and backed out of the door again.

"No need to apologize." Lindsay said, licking her lips and giving Danny one last smoldering glance. "We're done here." She turned on her heel and brushed past Flack on her way out. _If that doesn't drive him nuts by the end of the day, nothing will_.

Danny stood rooted to the spot, his heart hammering in his chest and his face a comical study in shock, disappointment, and helplessness. _I can't believe she **played** me!_

Flack just whistled in appreciation. "Man, she got you good with that one!"

Danny glared. "I wouldn't be feelin' so good right now, if I were you. You pissed her off the other mornin' more than I did. Ya think she's just gonna let that slide?" _If I have to live through this hell, I'm bringing you with me._

The amusement drained off of Flack's face as the full reality of that statement hit him. "Oh shit."


	26. Trunks and Dumpsters

**Author's Note:** I'm a huge dork. I was actually tempted to delete 71 words from the last chapter so that I'd have a word count of 22,222. Yes, I'm aware that I probably need professional help. Also, this marks my first attempt at a real crime situation (instead of the gag ones I had in earlier chapters). My apologies if it sucks sweaty donkey balls. (You're welcome for that lovely mental image. All part of the service. :D)

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Trunks and Dumpsters**

Lindsay watched Flack walk the corridors like a hunted man. The apprehension on his face every time he rounded a corner was glorious. Sometimes, the easiest way to prank someone was **not** to prank them.

She walked over to Danny. "You told him?"

"Yup. He just about pissed his pants when he realized how mad you must be."

Lindsay slapped a five dollar bill into Danny's outstretched palm and they shared a grin.

"Sometimes, it's just too easy, y'know?"

"I gotta hand it to ya, Montana. You're one of the most evil women I've ever met. And I mean that in the nicest way possible."

"And don't you forget it!"

_No need to worry about that happening._ He craned his neck to look after her as she walked down the hall to Mac's office to get her next case.

………

Mac looked up as she entered his office. "Do I want to know why Don is walking around the building like he's anticipating an ambush?"

"He's just worried because I got mad at him the other day." _Slight understatement, perhaps._

"Do I need to remind you about keeping the pranks out of the lab? I thought I'd made myself clear the **last** time we had a problem like this."

"Nope, I'm keeping my nose clean, Mac. I swear, I'm not going to do a thing to him." _Unless you count the mental torture I'm currently inflicting by hanging my wrath over his head and waiting for him to crack._

Mac sized her up for a moment. "The old no-prank-prank trick?" The corner of his mouth twitched for a moment, but he maintained his serious demeanor.

"Yeah… how'd you…?" she realized who she was speaking to. "Nevermind."

"We've got a DB in the trunk of a car on the Lower East Side. The vic's been missing for a couple of days. When her brother saw her car in the 7-11 parking lot, he smashed the window and popped the trunk latch. I just sent Flack down to start collecting statements. Stella's already at the scene. I told her you'd meet her there."

Lindsay nodded and went to collect her kit. _Thank god it's a trunk and not another dumpster._

………

Danny walked around the corpse, taking in his $500 haircut and the suit that would cost a good chunk of a CSI's annual salary. He was sitting upright in an armchair in the middle of his Park Avenue penthouse with a bullet hole in his forehead.

Hawkes looked around the room, taking in the pictures of gorgeous young woman in various states of undress. "Michael Brody. The man was a living legend."

"Yeah, and now he's a dead one." Danny moved further into the apartment, looking for signs of a struggle and finding none.

"I've got a suitcase," Sheldon called from the bedroom. "Looks like he was either about to head out on a trip somewhere, or he'd just gotten home."

Danny took out his camera and started to document the scene. "Only trip he's making now is the one to the morgue."

………

Stella looked up from her contemplation of the body as Lindsay approached.

"Hey, Mac fill you in?"

"Yeah. Is that the brother?" Lindsay gestured to the heavyset man in his 40's talking to Flack.

"Yeah. He said she's been missing three days and when he saw her car, he thought the worst had happened. He popped the trunk and found her like this, then he called 911."

"Weird."

"What?"

"Well, I just don't see breaking into a car and popping the trunk to look for a dead body as my first move as a concerned relative is all. Just seems odd."

Stella nodded, "Seems a bit off to me, too."

"So, who is she?"

"Marianne Evans, 47, housewife. She's been missing since Sunday. Husband filed a report."

"Looks like someone beat her up pretty badly before they stuffed her in there."

Stella leaned over and moved the woman's jacket aside. "Apparently, the beating wasn't fast enough," she indicated the bullet wound.

………

"Cause of death was a single gunshot wound to the head, close range," Sid indicated the hole in the man's forehead.

"Thanks, doc, could ya tell me somethin' I **didn't** know?" Danny asked.

Sid opened his glasses and then closed them again over the bridge of his nose. "There was something strange inside the wound. I've already sent a sample over to Trace, but I think I can guess what it is." He reached into the bloody cavity with a pair of tweezers and plucked out something small and fluffy.

"A feather?" Hawkes squinted.

"Down, I'd say."

"The killer probably used a pillow to muffle the sound of the shot."

Sid took his glasses off again. "Did you notice any pillows with holes in them at the scene?"

"Nope," Danny sighed. Turning to Hawkes he said, "This time, we're using **my** coin."

Catching sight of Sid's confused expression, the men said in unison, "Garbage detail."


	27. PGP and Passing Notes

**Author's Note:** Judging from the lack of reviews I got for the last chapter, you guys are here for the funny and the flirting rather than the criminalistics, but I just had to try to write something more… episodic. I'm still throwing some DL action in there at the end, but this part is more like the show and less like my fic.

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: PGP and Passing Notes**

Lindsay looked up from her victim's clothes to see Danny walk into the Layout Room with evidence bags of his own. They exchanged hellos and then both got down to work.

She swabbed blood samples from each of the many stains on the jacket and did a GSR test to see if there was any evidence that the shot had been made at close range. They still hadn't recovered the bullet yet, and they were waiting on Marty to give them the coroner's report.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Danny lift and inspect his victim's tie, making a face of disgust at the garish pattern. Her mouth twitched into a smile just as he looked over at her. Sharing a grin, they both blushed a little before turning back to their relative tasks.

_He really is quite cute, actually. When he's not being a jerk._

_I like it when she wears her hair curly like that. It's kinda sexy but still professional. She doesn't have to let it all hang out to get attention._

"Huh" Danny said suddenly, surprised by what he'd found.

Lindsay looked up from her own examination of her victim's skirt. "Find something?"

"Yeah, but I have no idea what it is." He frowned and licked his lips, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. _Whatever it is, it sure ain't English._

Lindsay put down the garment she was working on and moved over to stand beside her fellow CSI. She touched his forearm to bring the piece of paper he was holding down to her own eye level. This time, Danny bit his lip for a completely different reason. _God, she smells good._

"It looks like some sort of code," she said, looking at the large collection of random numbers and letters.

He shook himself out of his reverie, "Yeah, but why would a rich, dead playboy have a paper with a code on it in his pants' pocket?" He cleared his throat, trying to get the sudden nervousness out of his voice. _This isn't happening. There's no way I'm getting' nervous around Lindsay Monroe. That's just crazy talk._

"What better way to confuse the CSI who has to figure out his murder?" she smiled.

………

Adam looked at the paper Danny gave him and then looked up at Danny, himself. "You're kidding, right?"

"What?"

"You want me to try to break a 1024-bit encryption key? Dude, the **NSA** can't even do that in under a hundred years."

_Why can't this guy just talk in English, already?_ "Okay, explain it to me like I'm a 5-year-old."

Adam rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. "Do you know what cryptography is?"

"Yeah, it's like, encoding messages and stuff so that no one else can read them right?"

"Right. Well, this is part of a very complex cryptographic system. It's what's called a public key. Anyone in the world can use this key to encrypt a message, but only the person the key belongs to can decrypt it, using his or her own private key."

Danny's eyes started to glaze over a bit. "Okay, so just use our vic's private key and decrypt the message." _Why the big production?_

"That's the problem. This message isn't **to** the vic. It's **from** him. The only way you'll find out what this says is if you can figure out who he was going to send it to and run it through their PGP."

Danny took off his glasses and ran a hand across his face. "I'm just going to pretend that that last part made some kind of sense to me. So I'm looking for the person he was sending big long numbers to?" _Sometimes, this job just gives me a headache._

"Well, if you want to simplify it, sure." Adam looked almost hurt.

"Thanks," Danny said dryly.

………

Lindsay and Stella sat in interrogation with their victim's husband.

"Why did you wait so long before reporting your wife missing?" Stella asked, her voice deceptively mild.

"She goes to that company party every year, and every year she either gets home at some ungodly hour, or she stays at a friend's house. There was nothing unusual about her being gone, at first," he calmly replied.

_God, this guy is smarmy_. Lindsay really didn't like the feeling she was getting from him. He was entirely too together for a man who'd just lost his loving wife of 25 years.

"And you spent $2000 on housecleaning in that time because…?" Stella's tone was a bit harder this time.

"Spring cleaning," he answered with a smirk.

"We found drops of your wife's blood in your bedroom, in the hallway, and on the steps of your garage." Lindsay wasn't about to play nice with this guy. He was starting to piss her off.

"My client and his wife have lived in that house for 20 years. It's perfectly reasonable for her to have bled there are some point in that time period."

_His lawyer's no prize, either_.

"Perhaps your client would be so kind as to tell us why he replaced a large section of his bedroom carpet and underpadding?" Stella was obviously also unimpressed.

"I spilled a bottle of wine there on our anniversary. It made a huge mess and the smell was a bit overpowering, so we replaced that section of carpet."

_Oh, I'll bet there was a huge mess, alright. After you beat your wife unconscious and shot her._

Marty had been able to recover the bullet from the woman's thigh. It had entered her heart and miraculously been pumped through her body until she'd finally died. He'd gone over her with a metal detector in order to find it. Ballistics were running the bullet against the husband's registered handgun, now.

"Do you own a gun, Mr. Evans?" Lindsay asked.

"It was stolen, last week," he said smugly.

"Did you file a report?"

"I hadn't gotten around to it, yet. I've been busy. What with my wife's disappearance, and all."

"And yet, you found time to clean your house. Interesting."

"My client has another meeting to attend to, so if you have no further questions…" his lawyer gathered up his papers and stood, waiting to see if either woman wanted to inquire further. "Let's go, Jeff."

Stella stood and crossed her arms as she addressed their suspect. "Don't leave town."

………

"Sheldon, buddy, tell me you've got something. This code thing is driving me nuts," Danny begged as he approached the man.

"Are you saying you wished you were the one digging through the garbage looking for a down-filled pillow?" Hawkes asked. He was still a little bitter about losing the coin toss.

Danny raised his hands up, defensively, "Whoa, let's not be hasty here."

"That's what I thought," he turned back to his inspection of the pillow's material. "I swabbed the pillow for epithelials and sent it to DNA. The interesting thing, though, is this… take a look." Reaching over, he turned off the lights and then ran an ALS over the pillow. A fairly complete handprint stood out against the paisley pattern.

"Niiiice. Can you get a print off that?"

"Material's too varied. I can't get any ridge detail. But I **can** tell you that our killer had club soda on his hand."

"So we're lookin' for a pissed off bartender who likes to write in codes. Great."

………

Danny took a break and headed to his office to check his email and then rest his eyes for a few minutes. He'd been staring at computer screens trying to track down who the public key belonged to, and he had the mother of all headaches.

He sighed as he sat down at his desk, and then he noticed the piece of paper on his keyboard.

_Danny,_

_Alright, I'll take a guess. You drew the Empire State Building? And that was King Kong at the top of it? Maybe? _

_Is that your way of asking if I want to go to the movies with you?_

This time, the note was signed with a horseshoe and a lasso.

Suddenly, he didn't feel so tired, after all.

………

Lindsay stopped by her locker to get some change for the drink machine. When she opened the door, a piece of paper floated out.

_Montana,_

_Took you long enough! Anyone with half a brain should have been able to figure it out in about two seconds. I'll be nice and make allowances since you haven't been to the Empire State Building, yet._

_I was just drawing something typical of New York, but if you want to ask me out, I'm not going to say no. Does that horseshoe mean I'm going to get lucky?_

He signed it with a pizza slice and a giant piece of what she assumed was New York cheesecake.

………

Danny put his hands into his lab coat pockets and pulled out a small slip of paper.

_Danny,_

_I thought we'd decided I wasn't buying you dinner when I told you all about fake orgasms._

She did a fairly decent sketch of an equine with an arrow pointing to its tail region.

………

Lindsay smiled as she opened the note that had been tucked inside her Ballistics report.

_Montana,_

_That's not the part of the horse that I resemble. You can interview past girlfriends if you want confirmation._

There, at the bottom of the page, was the state of Florida. Lindsay blushed. _Oh my._


	28. Not From Concentrate!

**Author's Note: **I've gone back to my humourous-fluff roots with this one :D I'm still following the case, but I just can't seem to stay serious for more than 2 chapters in a row. What in the world am I going to do when I hit the really angsty episodes? Oh, woe is me!

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Not From Concentrate!**

"Hey, Messer… got any sunscreen I can borrow?" Flack called to his friend down the length of the corridor, a wide grin across his face.

Danny wrinkled his brow. _Sunscreen? It's pouring down rain. Freak. _Walking into AV, he found Adam wearing a nauseatingly bright Hawaiian shirt.

"Fresh squeezed orange juice?" the tech asked, sniggering. "Not from concentrate!"

_What's with everyone today?_ "Uh, I'm good, thanks. What have you got on that code thing?"

"Oh, yeah! Well, I've been going through your vic's hard drive, seeing who he regularly emailed and who he used privacy software with. Looks like the list is shorter than we thought." Adam hit a few keys and gestured at the list he'd pulled up on the screen.

"Excellent." Danny squinted at the names. "Looks like his lawyer, a few business partners… who's that?" he pointed at one name in particular that was unfamiliar.

Adam consulted the master list they'd composed of individuals related to the victim in some way. It had been culled from address books, boards of directors, social calendars and the like. "Weird… I'm not seeing it here, anywhere."

"Follow up on that. We might just have ourselves a suspect." He patted Adam on the shoulder, "Nice one!"

Danny walked out of the room to find Hawkes and let him know that they had a possible suspect and ran right into Stella.

"Hey Stella. Nice shades. Any particular reason why you're wearing them indoors?" _Is it Hallowe'en or something and I just didn't notice?_

Stella bit her lip to keep a straight face, "They match my shoes." She pointed down, indicating her flipflops with large yellow sunflowers on the toes.

Danny blinked. "Oookay." _I work with crazy people._ "You seen Hawkes?"

"Yeah, he was in Mac's office when I left a minute ago."

"Thanks."

Danny continued down the corridor, not noticing that his friends had all quickly regrouped and looped the lab to be able to watch what happened when he entered and saw what they had in store for him in Mac's office.

………

Lindsay was back in Interrogation one more time. This time, she had the ballistics report with her as well as the murder weapon.

"Welcome back, Mr. Evans," _You filthy piece of…_

"Nice to see you again, Detective."

"You might not think so when I've finished what I've got to say," she worked hard to keep the triumph out of her voice and maintain a professional exterior.

"Oh really? And why is that?" he looked completely disinterested in the entire proceeding.

"Do you see this?" she pushed a sealed plastic envelope across the table to him.

He lifted it up and gave a cursory glance at the bullet inside. Tossing it on the table, he asked, "What's that supposed to be?"

"**That**," she pointed, "is the bullet that killed your wife. And **this**," she lifted the tagged weapon, "is a handgun, registered to your name. They match."

"I told you already that was stolen," he was starting to look a bit worried.

_Didn't think we'd find it, eh?_ "And yet, we found it inside the filter of your backyard pool. It seems kind of strange that a thief would steal your gun, wait a week, murder your wife in your bedroom, clean up after himself, and then not take the gun with him." She raised an eyebrow, "Don't you think?"

"We're done here," his lawyer stood up and motioned for his client to follow suit.

"Yes, we are." Lindsay gestured to the uniform in the back of the room, "Officer, please place Mr. Evans under arrest for the murder of his wife." _Bastard_.

………

Danny walked into Mac's office and did a double take. Mac was leaning back against his desk wearing a bright white suit with a pink t-shirt underneath. Hawkes was standing next to him in a powder blue dress shirt, grey jacket, and black pants. His tie was leather and very skinny. Both men were wearing shades, and neither appeared to be wearing socks inside their loafers.

He turned around and saw half of the lab laughing themselves silly at his expression. _So that's what this is? I thought we weren't supposed to be pranking anymore? Well, fine. I can go with that. But they will pay for this. They will pay **dearly**._

Pretending not to notice the time warp that had occurred with their wardrobe, Danny addressed Mac and Hawkes, "Good news. We might have a lead in our case. We've got the name of someone who doesn't appear on any list of the vic's associates and who has received encrypted messages from him in the past."

Mac and Sheldon looked at each other. They'd been expecting more of a reaction, but Danny's businesslike manner had them feeling a bit self-conscious about their fashion choices.

"Good work. Let me know what you find out," Mac said, dismissing them with a nod of his head. He wondered if he'd possibly lost his prankster skills. Shaking his head in denial, he returned to his paperwork, humming the theme song to Miami Vice as he worked.

………

Lindsay put the finishing touches on the break room and then beeped Flack that it was done. Within minutes, the detective had managed to drag Danny into the room on the pretext of getting some coffee. Both men stopped dead in their tracks at the sight before them.

One corner of the room was covered in sand and the rest was covered in towels. The usual lunch tables had been replaced with patio furniture, complete with umbrellas. Coconuts with straws on them sat around waiting for people drink from them, and the Beach Boys were playing on the radio.

It was Lindsay, herself, who was the main focus of attention, however. She stood near the door holding two coconut drinks and smiling at the men who were staring at her attire. It wasn't the wide-brimmed hat, the sunglasses, or the flipflops she'd bought with Stella that caught their attention, though: it was what she was wearing. Or actually, what she **wasn't** wearing.

Danny's jaw dropped and his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline as his wide eyes took in the vision that was Lindsay Monroe in a hot pink bathing suit. **_Montana._ **_Damn, if I'da known she was hidin' all **that**_ _under her lab coat, I woulda been a lot nicer to her that first day._

Flack was actually struck dumb by the view and it wasn't until Stella walked in behind them and gave them simultaneous smacks to the head that either of them were able to speak.

"Place looks great Linds," she enthused, grabbing a coconut and taking a sip. Her own bathing suit was a basic black colour that flattered her olive skin and made her almost glow. She was slightly more modest, though, and had a towel wrapped around her waist.

More people came into the room for the impromptu party, all of them wearing bathing suits or Hawaiian shirts and shorts.

Danny sidled over to his partner, "How did you…? Why…? What's…?" He stopped trying to speak and just laughed and shook his head. _The things this woman can come up with. It's almost scary._

Lindsay patted his cheek and looked at him sympathetically. "Don't try to understand, Messer. Just enjoy the little bit of Florida that I brought up here to New York. I'm just trying to make you feel at home." _Ahh, willful misunderstanding. Whatever would women do without it?_

His mouth worked up and down a few times before he finally gave up and grabbed her for a dance. _Wouldn't it be nice, indeed._

………

Lindsay was still humming and dancing as she walked down the street to her apartment.

"Hey you," she jumped as the voice came out of the shadows beside her apartment steps.

"Oh! Chris! You scared me!" she smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "What are you doing here? I thought you had shift tonight?"

"I haven't seen you all week, and I missed you, so I called in," he smiled down at her.

"Really? That's awfully sweet of you," she returned his smile and gave him another small kiss. "Wanna come up?"

"I was hoping you'd ask."


	29. Friends and Lovers

**Author's Note:** sometime while I was asleep, this story surpassed 10,000 hits. Me being the dork that I am, I get a huge kick out of that. You guys are "teh awesome!" Yay you! I now wish to do some sort of fan(fic) service. If you've got a request for something to be added (or removed) from the story, PM me and I'll do it. Really! No promises on **when** or if my interpretation will match your expectations. :D

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Friends and Lovers**

Mac stared through the glass door of the break room, watching Stella fold up the last of the towels. She'd told Lindsay to go on home and she'd clean up the last of the party. She was always so thoughtful that way. The Beach Boys were still playing and her hips were swinging to the music as she worked, her own towel now riding dangerously low on her hips. Mac had been surprised that she'd worn a bathing suit. Not that it didn't suit her, because it definitely did… he just hadn't been expecting to see it when he'd approved of the little party.

Stella placed the last towel on the pile and turned around to go and switch off the radio. She jumped slightly when she saw Mac standing there watching her, then laughed and gestured for him to come in.

"I didn't see you at the party earlier."

"I had paperwork to do, but I stopped by for a minute."

"There's more to life than paperwork, you know," she teased.

He raised an eyebrow and gestured to her outfit, "I know."

"And yet you never act on that knowledge," her voice contained a question that she couldn't seem to ask.

He stared at her for a moment, taking in her beauty and thinking of her compassion, drive, intelligence… Finally, he sighed and looked away. "I know."

They were both quiet for a moment, and when she spoke again, she sounded overly bright and cheerful, "Let me change into something a little more appropriate to wear on the streets of New York, and then you're going to buy me dinner."

"I am?"

………

Danny stood on the subway, drumming 'Wipeout' on the hand rail and remembering the sight of Lindsay in a bathing suit. _She definitely needs to wear stuff like that more often._ Of course, it wouldn't be practical on a case, but they could work something out, he was sure. Maybe he could suggest some sort of swimming-related team building exercise and get Stella to talk Mac into it. She could talk him into anything. _Yeah, that might work._

He walked up the steps and exited the subway, still lost in his thoughts. _I can't believe she turned the break room into Florida for me._ Sure, it was a prank, but it still required thought, planning, time, and effort. _She wouldn't have done that if she didn't like me, just a little._ But did she like him as a friend or as something more?

Walking up the steps to his apartment, he shook his head. _She's barely gotten over hatin' me. Ain't no way she's gonna wanna be **more** than friends with me. And when did I start wantin' to be more than friends with Montana? That's nuts! It's just the bathing suit talking._

Opening his door, he dropped his bag on a chair and shrugged off his jacket, hanging it on a peg when he turned and locked the door. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed some cold pizza from the fridge and a beer to wash it down with. Then he picked up his phone.

"Hey… yeah, it's me. Wanna come over?"

………

Lindsay and Chris sat snuggled together on a chair while Jess and Sheldon did the same on the couch. They were watching Gladiator on DVD and eating unhealthy amounts of popcorn.

"Popcorn should be its own food group," Jess said suddenly. They all turned to look at her strangely. "No, seriously! You can get it in every flavour imaginable: cheese, sour cream and onion, chili… even meat! Plus, you can have caramel corn for dessert. Think about it, you could actually eat one type of popcorn for every food group there is. It's like the most versatile food on the planet!"

Somewhere, crickets were chirping. But not there, because this was the city and crickets would die of asphyxiation from all of the pollution before they could get in a really good chirp. Somewhere, though. Somewhere there were crickets and those crickets were chirping. And if those chirping crickets were transported to the city and nurtured and taken care of and shielded from all of the pollutants and then brought over to Lindsay and Jess' apartment, they would have filled the silence following Jess' remark quite nicely.

Since there were no crickets in the vicinity, however, Lindsay, Chris, and Sheldon made do with pelting Jess with popcorn.

………

Flack showed up at Danny's place with fresh pizza and a six pack.

"Got the game on?"

"You know it!"

They arranged themselves, the pizza, and the beers on the couch and coffee table and settled in to watch some sports. They hadn't done this much since Cindy'd been on the scene because that girl could cling better than Saran Wrap.

"No Cindy tonight?"

"Nah. Told her I had shift." _Sometimes, a guy just needs a break, y'know?_

Flack nodded. He'd expected this to happen around about now. Danny'd just about reached his time limit for a relationship.

"Hey, what didja think of that party today, huh? Lindsay sure knows how to throw a shindig!"

"Y'know, I spent most of the day thinking I was working with a bunch of lunatics from a psych ward or somethin'"

"Yeah, that was part of the fun"

"Good party, though."

"I really need to buy Lindsay a present for it, actually."

"Yeah?" _Hmm… wonder if I should, too._

"Yeah. That bathing suit idea? Sheer brilliance."

"Ohh yeah. Definitely." _Brilliance, hotness…you say tomato…_

"Think I'm gonna make a play for Tonya."

"From Trace?" _Didn't see that one coming._

"Mmhmm. Damn that girl's got a body on her. Smart, too."

"The killer combo." _Just like Montana. … Argh! Stop thinking that!_

………

Mac and Stella laughed over dinner, remembering past cases and some of the strange things they'd encountered. Mac noticed couples getting up to dance on the floor in the middle of the room. The band was playing something slow and romantic, and he hesitated before deciding to take a chance. Standing up, he held out his hand. "Can I have this dance?"

Stella smiled up at him in surprise, "This is unexpected."

"Well, I do owe you one, for the party, after all."

………

Lindsay kissed Chris goodbye as he ran out the door on a call. He might have called in sick, but he'd had to keep his beeper on him, and they had an all hands required downtown. Hawkes decided to call it an early night, too, since he still had a case to work on in the morning.

"How are you and Hawkes doing these days? I hardly see you anymore, so it must be going well." _Hell, the only reason I see **him** is because we work together._

"It really is. He's just so… fantastic," Jess' face lit up as she talked about him.

"I'm glad," Lindsay smiled, "but I don't need to hear all of the details. I do work with him, after all." They laughed together.

"What about you and Chris?"

"He's… nice. I like him a lot." _But…_

"But…?"

"I don't know," Lindsay shrugged.

"Is it the sex? It's the sex, isn't it. You can tell me if it's the sex."

Lindsay threw a pillow at her roommate's head, missing by a mile. "It's not the sex!"

"Well, if it's not the sex, what is it?"

"The sex is good, sometimes even great, but… I don't know," she sighed. "There's just no… spark."

"No spark with a fireman? Oh, the irony."

Lindsay looked around for another pillow.

………

Danny got up to answer his doorbell.

"I thought you had to work tonight?"

"Cindy…" _Ohhh boy. _"I…"

She folded her arms across her chest, clearly mad, and pushed past him into his apartment.

"I'm just gonna…" Flack got up and grabbed his jacket, moving quickly in an attempt to leave before the explosion. He was just closing the door when the shouting began. "Poor bastard." Shaking his head, he looked at his watch. It was still early. He wondered if he should give Tonya a call.

………

Mac walked Stella to her door.

"Well, goodnight." He turned to leave.

"Did you want to come in for a drink?" she asked, hopefully.

He looked at her long and hard for a moment, trying to reach a decision. "I … should probably get going. Work in the morning and all that."

Her face fell slightly before she could control it, "Right, right. Me too."

"G'night, Stella."

"'Night Mac. See you tomorrow."

………

Twenty minutes of fighting, an hour of silent treatment, fifteen minutes of cajoling, and an undisclosed amount of time make up sex later, Danny lay back on his bed with his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. Cindy lay sleeping beside him. _She's hot, she's smart, she's funny… and she clings like a python. _He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. _At least the sex is good._ He reached across her and set his alarm, then rolled over with his back to her to get some sleep.


	30. Hugh Heffner is Celibate?

**Chapter Thirty: Hugh Heffner is Celibate?**

Danny got to work a little after 8:00am to find Hawkes already there ahead of him.

"Hey, man… got any good news for me?"

"Actually," Hawkes replied, "I do. Remember the mystery name we couldn't place? Turns out it's an anagram."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Melody Birach is an anagram for…"

Danny snapped his fingers, "Michael Brody! No wonder we couldn't find her anywhere, she doesn't exist!"

"Exactly. Those messages he sent to her were actually all to himself. Adam just got in and he's going to decrypt them for us."

"Fantastic as this is, though, you know what it means?"

"We're back to no suspects?" Hawkes asked, wryly.

"We're back to no suspects," Danny nodded.

………

Danny and Hawkes were going over their list of victim acquaintances for the third time, looking for motive, when Adam came running into the room.

"Guys!" he panted as he slid to a stop, using the doorway to catch himself before he fell. "You've gotta come see this!"

Exchanging a curious look, the two men got up and followed the tech back to AV.

"What's up, Adam?"

"Ok, so I was running the PGP decryption series on that note you found in your vic's pocket, and I figured I might as well run it on all of the Melody Birach emails as well, since they might all be related because I know that I sometimes email myself with something and then email again later with more information or to clear something or…"

"Adam! Sometime today?" Danny requested, impatiently.

"Right. So anyway, it turns out that the Melody Birach emails **are** related. They're all pieces of a puzzle, kind of. It seems our millionaire playboy was actually corporate spy."

"A what?" Sheldon asked, incredulously.

"You gotta be kiddin' me. That stuff actually exists outside of movies?" _Guy's a regular James Bond with all the tail he scored._

"This is all insider information on some of the hottest stocks on the market. And if you look at the origins of the emails to Melody, he's sending them all from his cellphone or his PDA. None of them originate at his computer. He just CC'd them over there."

"So, he's writing encrypted emails at undisclosed locations that contain proprietary information about high profile stocks? **And** he's getting laid?" _I've totally got the wrong job._

Sheldon looked thoughtful for a minute. "Just a second…" He went and got the files they'd been working on and then came back. "This is a list of the women that Michael Brody has been associating with the for the past six months."

Adam's eyebrows rose. "Pretty big list for six months."

"That's why we've only gone back six months, so far." _Guy makes Hugh Heffner look celibate._

"**Anyway**," Sheldon continued, "Look at some of the names in here. Jessica Warner, Francesca Graconi, Lisa Kim… all of these women have CEO or VP status at Fortune 500 companies."

"So, he was seducing hot, successful business women and then stealing company secrets from them?" Danny whistled, "The pair he's got! Must be made of brass."

"And we just went from having no suspects to having dozens."

………

Don Flack spent the day going into rich offices and disrupting business. Sometimes, he kinda liked his job. Most of the women on the list had valid alibis for the time of the murder and while they were told not to leave town or anything, they weren't really persons of interest anymore. There _were_ two women, though – Francesca Graconi and Jessica Warner – whose alibis were each other. That just wasn't going to cut it.

He called Danny and Hawkes and informed them of who his money was on, and they went back to the evidence to search for a link.

………

"Alright, so we've got a dead guy with a bullet to the brain, an expensive pillow with a club soda handprint, an encrypted message in the victim's pocket… what else are we missing?" Sheldon pointed to each piece of evidence as he named it.

"I've been looking at the crime scene photos, and I think it might have been a redress. See the way his tie looks weird. Sharp dresser like him would know how to tie a tie. This one looks like it was tied by my 6 year old niece. And the shoes, the bow is facing the wrong way." Danny considered the photograph and tried to put two and two together.

Sheldon thought for a moment, "Alright, let's say it _was_ a redress. We've got a necktie and shoelaces, both of which require tying. Let's swab for epithelials and see what we can come up with."

"You do that. I've got the clothes the suspects wore on the night of the murder. I'm going to see what I can find."

Sheldon finished his swabs and went over to DNA, calling Flack to let him know that he'd be down to collect samples from the suspects.

Danny tested the clothes for GSR and came up empty. He found no foreign trace leading back to the victim, either. He'd swabbed for victim epithelials on them, in case there'd been a struggle, but the clothes weren't ripped or wrinkled in any way that would indicate that the victim had had contact with them. He took his glasses off and leaned his head in his hands.

"Problem?" He looked up to see Lindsay Monroe standing in the doorway contemplating him.

"Yeah. I can't find a connection between my suspects and my vic." He gave her a quick rundown of the case.

"Well, if the murderer had club soda on his or her hands, maybe they wiped it on their clothes, as well as the pillow?" she suggested when he was finished.

He blinked at the obviousness of her answer, then quickly grabbed the ALS. Lindsay laughed and turned off the lights. Danny moved the light over the clothes and there, on the skirt belonging to Jessica Warner were to smudged handprints, rather like she'd wiped her hands on the material to dry them.

"Yes!" Danny grabbed Lindsay and gave her a quick, hard kiss on the mouth, "Montana! You're a goddess! I worship you!" and with that, he was out of the room at a run.

Lindsay stood there for a moment, blinking and rubbing her lips with the tips of her fingers. "… you're welcome?"

………

It was the end of the day and Danny Messer was just finishing up the paperwork on the Michael Brody case. It seemed that the two women had both been with the victim… simultaneously. After they'd finished their "activities," he'd left the room on the pretext of cleaning up and disposing of the condom. Francesca had walked in on him in the bathroom, thinking she'd surprise him in the shower, and had instead found him standing in front of her open briefcase, emailing himself on his PDA. The rest, as they say, is history.

He looked up when Lindsay walked in. "Hey Montana, thanks again for your help today. I owe ya one," he grinned.

She struggled to hide her blush as she remembered his initial method of thanking her for her assistance. "Glad I could give you a hand." _And a mouth?_

"What's the plan for tonight? Another big date with your fireman guy?" _Stupid giant sonofa…_

"Yes, I'm seeing **Chris** tonight. We're probably just going to grab a quick dinner and see a movie. Nothing major."

"Sounds exciting," he said, sarcastically. _Whoopee. You sure do know how to live it up, Montana._

Lindsay sighed quietly. "Yeah. Exciting." _I wouldn't care if the guy, himself, had a little more… oomf._

Danny raised an eyebrow. _Hmm. Trouble in paradise?_ "Better than paperwork, though, right?" he joked.

She smiled back, "Watching _paint dry_ is better than paperwork."

"Well you enjoy that paint thing. I'm stuck here with the papers."

"Have fun with that!"

"You too."

"G'night, Danny."

"Night, Montana."


	31. Guys and Dolls

**Chapter Thirty-One: Guys and Dolls**

(C_'mon, you had_ _to see that title coming a mile away! Ep 9 –City of the Dolls)_

Danny walked into the New York Premiere Doll Hospital and immediately got a little freaked out. Everywhere he looked, there were dead eyes staring back at him. Dolls on shelves. Dolls on tables. Dolls hanging from ropes and wires across the aisles. _How can cute, innocent, little girls **like** these things? They're just… _He shivered.

"Now **this** is spooky."

Detective Maka welcomed Mac and Danny to the scene and showed them their victim, Russell McCaulley. He'd bled out from the radial artery in his hand, surrounded by the dolls it was his job to repair.

Mac pulled one out of the victim's clenched hand. "Something about this little doll was worth dying for."

"Yeah, the question is: what?" _Who kills over a kid's toy?_

"That's what we have to find out."

Danny took photos while Lindsay started bagging dolls. There were dozens upon dozens of the toys that had been caught in the arterial spray, and each of them was evidence. She carefully logged and boxed them all for the trip back to the lab.

When he was done with the pictures, Danny moved over to were Maka was interviewing the "nurse" who worked with the victim. She seemed pretty broken up. _Is this real, or is she just tryin' to cover up the fact that she's a murderer?_ She seemed pretty sincere, even helpful, and she told them everything she knew about the doctor, his business, and the doll that he'd spent his last moments holding onto.

………

Donald Flack tried to keep his temper. Here he was, investigating the death of a 25 year old girl who'd died unexpectedly, and her neighbour wanted nothing more than to get his hands on her apartment. Sometimes, he really hated the city. Where else would someone's death be immediately seen as a rental opportunity?

"So, it'll probably be a whole _week _or so before they could list the apartment on the market?" the man enquired.

"Yeah, we usually don't let the realtors show a place until we get the stink of **death**? out of the carpeting," Flack replied, gesturing and making a completely insincere concerned face. _Some people's kids, man_.

"I just thought I'd ask," the man said, indignantly. Flack just walked toward the elevator. "And the attitude's unnecessary!"

He gave the man a look that spoke volumes and turned back to press the button. _And that was me being **polite**._

………

Back in the lab, Mac got to work on the pieces or porcelain that had surrounded the body and lodged in the victim's hand and Danny and Lindsay attempted to find out why the doll was so important to him. They took her apart, piece by piece, but had no luck. Lindsay took the voice box over to AV to see if there was something on the tape that would explain things.

"Adam," she greeted him.

"Lindsay! If it isn't the hottest beach babe in the office! Whatever can I do for you, my coconut-drink-serving Queen?" he gave her his most winning smile.

She laughed, "First, you can stop calling me that. It takes way too long to say."

"Well, I _could_ call you my Nut Queen, but I think people would get the wrong impression."

She swatted him lightly on the arm. "Very funny. Anyway, I need you to take a look at this voice box for me. It's from a doll called Secret Sophie, and I think it might lead me to a suspect. Think you can do something with it?"

Adam's face took on a serious look as he took the electronics out of the box she'd brought them in. Examining it, externally, he didn't see anything particularly wrong with it. "Well, all of the components are in place. It's probably a glitch in the chip's programming or something." Pressing play, he heard the doll introduce herself in a deep, warbled tone. "Yeah, sounds like the timer's off. Shouldn't take long to fix it."

"Adam, you're a Prince!"

"Thank you, my Queen!" he bowed outrageously, and she curtseyed back before leaving.

………

"Flack?" Stella said into her phone, "Yeah, yeah. It's always about the black glove."

Fifteen minutes later, they were at the Haverley Café, workplace of their victim. They walked in just in time to see the waitress at the counter sweep up a dead rat. Strangely, neither of them were interested in her offer of lunch. I can't imagine why.

She explained to them how her friend, the victim, had acted irrationally when she'd brought the soup over, saying it could kill her. This meshed with what they'd discovered at the crime scene. The girl had been dying of cancer, but she'd been doing everything she could to survive it. She ate only organic foods and avoided anything that might have preservatives, chemicals, or hormones in it. Aside from the cancer, she was probably the healthiest person in the city.

… Except Sid had declared that the cause of death wasn't cancer, but rather arsenic poisoning. It was time to back to her apartment and investigate every ingestible they could find.

………

Danny and Lindsay went to HS 132 to interview the mother of the girl who owned the doll. She didn't seem to have any idea of why he'd find her doll any more special than any other.

After she'd left to pick up her daughter, Lindsay turned to Danny.

"Maybe this isn't about the doll at all. Maybe he just used it to defend himself." He was already shaking his head before she'd finished her sentence.

"His grip was way too tight," he stated emphatically. "You ever been to the scene of a shooting where the vic's hand is actually frozen in place?" he grinned, excited as a little kid that he could teach her something. "You can actually take the gun," he raised his hand, "And slide it right into the palm." He demonstrated by putting her cold, white hand into his darker one.

Lindsay bit her lip and looked up at him while he spoke. _Danny Messer is hold my hand. Why is he holding my hand? This is weird. This is weird and I don't like it and I want my heart to just calm down already. _

"A perfect fit," _Wow, her hand really does fit perfectly, doesn't it? Focus, man! _"That means he was struggling with his attacker for the gun."

_Why hasn't he let go, yet?_

_Why don't I want to let go?_ "Same thing happened here."

Lindsay looked from him to their joined hands and back to him again. Her lips were pursed and she didn't look too impressed.

_Shit. I've been holding on too long. _He dropped her hand, casually. "Y'know?" He took a deep breath as she turned. _God, I want to hold her, again. But not just her hand. _"You hungry?" _Idiot! You've still got Cindy! You're just doing this cuz she's got her hair up today. That's all. You don't really want Montana. You just think she looks nice today. _

"Nah, I've gotta get back to the… lab." _Did he just ask me out? Was that what that was? _

"Yeah, me too. Me too." _Smooth Messer. Real smooth. No wonder you've got such a ladies' man rep._

"Adam's probably got something on the voice box, by now." She fidgeted nervously as they walked across the street to the car. _No. He wasn't asking you out, idiot. He's got a girlfriend. A mind-numbingly hot one who makes you look like a yokel. He's just hungry is all. Since when do you want Danny Messer to ask you out, anyway? You've got Chris._

"Yeah, and Mac might've got a hit off that print I found on the doll's arm." _She shot you down in less than 2 seconds. Of course, she's got that brick wall she calls a boyfriend. You're probably not even on the radar. _"Mind if I drive?"

"Go right ahead."

They spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get something from the message Adam had managed to clear up, but the little girl wasn't revealing her secret, and they had no clue as to who it was that she'd seen.

Tired, Lindsay arched her back to stretch her sore muscles. _God, this is driving me nuts!_

Danny looked up and ended up staring in appreciation at her calisthenics. _Do that for another hour, and I'll be a happy man. Make it two hours. _

She stretched in the other direction and caught him looking. She blushed, realizing that she'd pushed her breasts out in front and her behind out in back, giving him a view of all that she had. _Careful, girl. You don't want to give him the wrong impression._

He licked his lips and stared for one more second, making sure she knew that he'd seen her, and then put his head back down to work. _Let's see if I can rattle her a bit. Make **her** the nervous one, for a change. _

_Wow. He's got that staring thing down pat, doesn't he? Must be all of the practice._ She'd heard all about his reputation in her first week there. _I guess I'm next in line for the "Messer Magic" or something. Well, I'm sorry Danny, but I'm just not going to give you the satisfaction. Try all you want. I'm not falling for it._

He looked up at her again, this time flashing her that grin that made her knees wobble a bit.

_I'm not falling for it. _


	32. Bricks

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Bricks**

Danny lay in bed alone that night, trying to think things through.

_Ok, so I held her hand. I was just demonstratin' some forensic knowledge. It didn't **mean**_ _nothin'._

He plumped his pillow behind his head and shifted around a little.

_Alright, sure, I held on a bit too long. But that's just cuz her hand was warm and mine was all cold from the winter air. _

He looked over at his alarm clock, checking for the fifteenth time that he'd remembered to set it. This time, the clock read 2:13. He really should get to sleep.

_Why was her hand warm, anyway? She had to be just as cold as I was. Don't tell me people don't get cold in Montana. _

He turned to lie on his side, hoping that might help him relax a little and get some rest.

_I can't believe she shot me down like that! Man! Doesn't she know who she's dealing with here?_

He turned to his other side and punched his pillow again. The clock ticked over. 2:19.

_Why did I hold her hand so long, anyway? I mean, sure she's cute… in a country girl kinda way. But since when have I wanted the girl next door? She's totally not my type. Not my type at all. _

He returned to his original position on his back, resting his head on his hands and staring at the ceiling. His eyes were starting to get heavy.

_Next thing, I'm gonna wanna kiss her or somethin'._

His eyes snapped open.

_Holy shit! I kissed her!_

He sat up in bed, realization hitting him like a brick to the head. Smacking himself in the forehead, he fell back against his pillow.

_I.am.a.MORON!_

The clock ticked over. 2:37.

_A moron who apparently won't be sleeping tonight._

**Author's Note:** Ok, I know that this is a really short chapter, but I wrote 3 or 4 fairly long ones (for me) earlier, so I think it balances out. Right? Right? Ok, so it's a cop out. But still… can't you just picture the look on his face when it hits him:D


	33. In a Handcart!

**Chapter Thirty-Three: In a Handcart!**

Lindsay ran around her bedroom trying to get dressed for work. It seemed like everything she put on looked terrible. _Why do I want to look nice for work, anyway. It' s not like the corpses will care. _She tore off the blue sweater she'd just put on. _Chris is on shift again tonight, so I can't even try to meet up with him after work. _This time, a white blouse fell to the floor. _God, why is everything I own so frumpy and plain?_ A yellow cardigan hit the wall.

"Linds? You alright in there?" Jess called from the hallway.

"Fine," she snapped.

Jess knocked and slowly opened the door, staying mostly behind it in case the projectiles kept coming. "It's just that I can hear you throwing… oh my God!" She took in the trashed state of Lindsay's bedroom and her jaw dropped.

Lindsay stood in the middle of her room wearing a bra and trousers and surrounded, on every surface, by the rest of her wardrobe. It looked like a Sears outlet had exploded in there.

"I have nothing to wear," Lindsay stated flatly.

"… I can see that."

"Do you think I could go to work naked?"

"Sure, if your crime scene is at a nudist colony. Otherwise, you might want to try this little thing I like to call 'clothing.' Just a thought, of course."

"Funny." _A real laugh riot._ Lindsay blew her hair out of her face, then reached for a clip and put it up.

"Why don't you come into my room and raid my closet?" Jess invited. Lindsay's face lit up with hope. Jess raised a hand in warning, "but only if you promise not to throw the contents all over the room."

Lindsay stuck her tongue out and dragged her roommate to the other side of their apartment.

………

Danny leaned against the wall of his shower with his head bowed under the water. _God, I feel like shit._ He'd managed about an hour and a half of sleep the night before, and he was definitely feeling it. He put his hands against the cool tile and pushed off, attempting to stand upright under the spray long enough to wash his hair. _I can't believe I **kissed **her_!

He groaned in pain and hit his head against the tiles a few times. _What the hell am I supposed to do when I see her at work?_

………

Lindsay walked into the break room to get some coffee and found Danny drinking it straight from the pot. She blinked and raised her eyebrows at him. "Thirsty?"

He looked and saw her out of the corner of his eye, practically choking on the hot liquid. Wiping his chin with the back of his hand, he tried to recover gracefully, "Didn't sleep much last night. Thinkin' 'bout the case and all." _Wow. That's one helluva sweater. _Suddenly, he felt a little warm.

Lindsay pulled self-consciously at the hem of the fitted pink sweater she was wearing. It had quite a wide collar to it, wider than she usually wore to work, and there were buttons and lace over the chest to draw the eye there, as well as a string to cinch that part tighter. She hadn't been too sure about this wardrobe choice, but Jess had assured her that she looked fantastic. _As for **why** I want to look fantastic… well, we won't think about that, will we?_

She took in Danny's own outfit and had to say that he definitely knew how to dress to impress. His brown trousers were just tight enough to show off his ass without being so tight as to make it appear intentional. His shirt on the other hand… _Wow. Nice shirt. Very, very nice shirt. Nice. _She swallowed hard at the sight of his muscles all outlined like that against the fabric. There were a lot of them. Suddenly, she felt a little warm.

"I think I'll wait for the next pot," Lindsay said, placing her mug on the counter and digging in her pocket for some change for the drink machine. "I'll settle for cold caffeine for now."

_She's wearing her hair up, again. And that shirt… god, so much skin. I just want to lick… _He stopped himself from thinking any further as Lindsay turned away from the machine and opened up her can of Coke. "So, what did you come up with?"

He blinked, trying to remember what they'd been talking about. "Huh?" _Oh yeah, that sounded intelligent. Dumbass._

"You said you were up late thinking about the case. What did you come up with?" _Think about the case, not about the shirt. Think about the case, not about the shirt._

"Uhh…" _Think, damnit, think!_

"Danny, Lindsay, talk to me about the case. Let's go." Mac lead them out into the hallway for a walking meeting.

………

Stella walked in on Danny a few hours later. He was staring at a print with an expression of consternation.

She walked up behind him. "You're gonna have to do more than just stare at it."

"I'm waitin' for it to talk to me."

"Ah, then you might want to buy it a drink, first."

Stella reminded him of an old case, one in which it wasn't the print itself that was the clue, it was what was **in** the print. He couldn't help but notice that this epiphany was followed by no kissing of coworkers on his part. _So why kiss Lindsay and not Stella?_ He didn't want to think about that.

………

Danny watched in amusement as Lindsay took her shoes off before they knocked on their suspect's door. She'd noticed that there were boots on the mat in the hallway, and she had automatically reached for her own boots.

"What are you doin'" he laughed in disbelief. "You don't gotta do that." _You're being nice to the suspect? Gimme a break, Montana!_

Lindsay looked at him like he was some sort of leper. _Don't you have any manners, you oaf?_ "I was told that if you show someone a little respect, you might get more than you came for," she said a bit huffily before placing her boots on the mat.

"You uh be good cop, I'll be bad cop. I'ma keep my shoes on," he said, smirking. _Flack's not gonna believe this one!_

"Okay," she said, her look speaking volumes as she knocked on the door. _Jackass. _"Guess you didn't grow up with hardwood floors."

"No, I didn't actually," he shrugged easily, keeping his smile in place. _She's just too much sometimes._ "Bronx marble."

"What's that?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"It's linoleum," he grinned, knocking on the door again.

She couldn't quite manage to keep the answering smile off her face.

_Point, Messer. _

Their interview with the suspect didn't go as well as they'd hoped. She was completely cool and didn't even get rattled when they'd inquired as to her alibi. Either she was innocent of any wrongdoing, or she was an excellent liar. Lindsay was betting on the latter.

Outside of the apartment again, she steadied herself with a hand on Danny's shoulder as she put on her boots. _Wow. Those muscles feel even better than they look. Gah! Don't think that! Bad thought!_

_God, her hair smells amazing. I just want to get her other hand and put them both around my neck so I can lean down and… _He licked his lips, "I thought you were gonna be the good cop." _Oh man… Lindsay as a bad cop. With handcuffs. _He tried not to be obvious about staring at her ass as she bent to get a better look at something caught in the mat. _Oh man, don't think that! Don't! _

Standing in the elevator, they both had the same thought. _I'm a bad, bad person, and I'm going to Hell._


	34. Meltdowns and Margaritas

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Meltdowns and Margaritas**

By the end of the day, Lindsay was disgusted with the entire human race. First, a grown woman had convinced a teenage boy (her lover!) to kill a man over a tape recording. Then, she'd heard about Stella's case in which a man had poisoned a girl **with cancer** who had **three months to live** because he wanted to make her apartment into a baby nursery. _Remind me again why I decided to move to New York? Were people really this unbelievably **despicable** back in Bozeman?_

She slammed her locker door and then kicked it for good measure.

"Y'alright there, Montana?" Danny asked as he entered the locker room.

"No! I'm not '**alright**' Danny. I'm pissed off!" she kicked her locker again.  
I can't believe how… how…" her arms waved in helpless gestures as she searched for the right words, "how **heartless** and **selfish** people can be! How they can just take someone's **life** because that person is somehow **inconveniencing** them!" Finally, she collapsed on the bench and put her head in her hands. _God, I just hate them all!_

Danny was surprised at the amount of anger she was expressing. He'd never seen her get this worked up before, and it sort of scared him. Sitting down next to her, he hesitantly put his arm around her back and gingerly patted her shoulder. _Please don't make her think I'm some sorta sleazebag trying to come onto her at a time like this._ "Geez, Linds… you can't let it get to ya like that. You'll go nuts."

She sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, feeling drained. "I know." She sighed again and moved to get up, but his arm had tightened around her. "Sometimes, though, I just really hate the kind of people I meet in this job."

Danny chuckled, "Should I be takin' that personal, there Montana?" _C'mon, gimme a smile._

The corners of her mouth turned up in the ghost of a smile, "With you, it's not so much 'sometimes' as 'always,' Messer." _This is good. Try to forget the bad stuff and just get back to normal._

Danny clutched his heart in mock pain, "Ouch! That really hurt, Montana. Seriously. I might have to go to the hospital." _That's it, girl. Mock me 'til you feel better._

"Well, I guess I won't be inviting you to join the rest of us for drinks then," Flack said, coming around the corner. He face registered his surprise at seeing the two CSI's snuggled up together on the bench. "But then, maybe you don't want to, anyway?"

Lindsay looked confused for a minute before she realized that Danny still had his arm around her. "Ohhh!" she said, breaking away from the contact. "I was just having a meltdown after all the crap today and Danny was kind enough to let me beat him up a bit, is all." _Not a damned thing more than that._

"Exactly," Danny added, smoothly rising to his feet. "I figure it's better for her to assault a police officer than some random person on the street." He reached into his locker and pulled out his coat, putting it on. "I won't press charges," he flashed her a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Flack rolled his eyes impatiently, not having the time or the inclination to stand there through one of their flirtathons. "You guys comin' or what?"

"Keep yer pants on!"

"**Please**." Lindsay shut her locker door and adjusted her purse on her shoulder. She stared at Don impatiently, "Well? What are you waiting for?" He just stood there dumbly while she pushed passed him and walked toward the elevator.

Flacks jaw worked up and down a few times before he finally managed to say, "Wasn't **I** just pissed at **her** for taking so long?"

Danny patted his friend's shoulder, reassuringly. "Don't worry, Flack. I'll never tell."

………

They went to a Mexican restaurant that Stella had heard about from friend and ate practically everything in the place. There was a band in the bar section and the music seeped into the dining area, creating a calming atmosphere that they all needed at the end of a long day.

Of course, the margaritas went a long way to helping them unwind, too.

Sheldon had called Jess to meet them there, and Flack had stopped by to invite Tonya, she of the amazing bathing suit body. Not wanting to miss the fun, Adam, Sid and Marty had been added to the entourage, so the entire group was quite large … and boisterous.

Very, very boisterous.

Have I already mentioned the margaritas? Just checking.

"You actually took off your _shoes_ for that woman?" Flack asked incredulously. "You've gotta be kiddin' me!"

Lindsay slurped some more liquid up through her straw, "I did, yes. Yes I did. But… but…" she stabbed the table with a finger, trying to make a point.

"But…?"

"… I forget." _I know I was gonna say something…_

Flack and Danny laughed at her drunken confusion. _Man, Montana's a real lightweight, ain't she?_

"Oh wait!" she slapped the table with the palm of her hand. "I remember! S'about r'spec!"

The two men exchanged a look. "Respect… for a murder suspect?" Flack asked, his voice heavy with incredulity.

"R'spec f'r oth'r people! People need r'spec! D'serve it!" She hiccoughed slightly. "'Scuse me."

"Ookay, Montana. I think we need to pour you into a cab," Danny said, rising from the table and attempting to help her to her feet.

"Like **you**!" she said, pointing her finger right into his face and coming dangerously close to stabbing him in the eye.

He moved his face out of range and ran a hand through his hair. _Oh God. She's a talkative drunk. Perfect._ "Like me?"

"**Yeah!** You don't r'spec me!"

"I… **what?**" _She thinks I don't **respect** her?_

"Al'ays makin' fun o' me," she sniffled. "N'ver nice. 'Cept that one time I kinda f'get 'bout. You know that time?" _He was real nice that time… what did he do, again?_ "It'll come back t'me."

Danny took one of her arms and Flack got on the other side of her. Jess, noticing that her roommate was leaving, kissed Sheldon goodnight and went with her to make sure she made it into their apartment alright.

"Of course I respect you, Montana. You're smart, you're dedicated, you know your job and do it well. Why _wouldn't_ I respect you?" He caught her as she stumbled.

"Dunno, bu' you **don'**." _Jackass._ "Jackass."

"Oh sure, **that** word she can say clearly." They got her into the cab as Jess ran around to the other side.

"Can' ev'n **kiss** me with r'spec!" _Bastard_. "Bastard."

Don's eyes opened wide and Danny's expression changed to mute horror.

"Is that _right_, Danny? You can't even **kiss** Lindsay with respect?" Don gave absolutely no effort to keeping a straight face. This was _pure gold_, and he was going to run with it.

"Later, Flack." Danny turned back to Linday, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Look, Montana… Lindsay. I respect you, ok? And I'm sorry about the kissing thing. Really." _Sorry that I didn't take my time and do it right._

"Pr'mise me you'll do better nex' time," she said, breathing toxic fumes in his face as she gripped the lapels of his jacket.

_Next time?_ "Uhh… sure. I promise."

"Good," she let him go and collapsed back against the seat with Jess holding her head up for her.

_There can be a next time?_


	35. Lots and Lots of Sex!

**Author's Note**: I posted the first two scenes of this chapter, yesterday, but then I decided that you guys deserve more than 300 words. Especially when it's all I'm going to give you. As such, I deleted chapter 35. My apologies to those of you who get alerts about the story, and to the 10 or so of you who will read the first part twice.

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Lots and Lots of Sex!**

Danny and Flack returned to the restaurant, Flack heading to the dining room and Danny veering off to the bar. He called the bartender over, "Tequila shot. Now." _This is not good. This is not a good thing that's happened here._ The bartender brought it over and watched as Danny downed the shot and didn't even wince.

Suddenly, from the direction of the dining room, came a very loud, "**_WHAT!_**"

Danny gave the bartender a flat look. A desperate look. The look of a man who was completely without hope. The bartender knew that look, and he knew what it meant.

"Keep 'em coming?"

"Ohhh yeah."

………

Jess struggled with her inebriated roommate and managed to maneuver her into their apartment. She had propped her up against the wall while unlocking the door, and Lindsay had very nearly collapsed right there. Jess caught her just in time and propelled her inside and onto the nice, soft couch. She then went back and locked the door, then stood there and stared at her.

"Lindsay Monroe, what the…" she got cut off by Lindsay's phone ringing.

Lindsay rooted around comically in her purse for a moment before triumphantly producing her phone, "I found Waldo!" Jess rolled her eyes and went to make some coffee.

"Oh hi Chris! … I'm drunk, how are you? … Oh, that's too bad. You should try being drunk. It's fun!... I was more drunker before, but Jess made me throw up when the cab stopped. … Are you laughing because you're having fun? … Why are you laughing at me?... Ohhh. … I'd love to see you tomorrow! Yay!... Or we could stay in and have lots of sex. … Sex. That thing that we do when we're naked. … Yes, that. … Yes, I really really really want to have lots and lots of sex with you right now because guess what? … You're awfully good at it. … Just a sec, Jess! Chris wants to talk to you!"

Jess, having heard Lindsay's side of the conversation from the kitchen, could only imagine what he might want to say to her.

"Hi Chris," she said, taking the phone from Lindsay, who immediately curled up on the couch to sleep. "Yeah, she's fine. Just too many margaritas after a tough day at work. … I will. Should I also remind her that she's going to be having a lot of sex with you, too? … Okay. Have a good night." She sighed and looked down at her softly snoozing friend. "You and I are going to have to have a **long** talk, tomorrow, young lady.

………

Danny Messer lay face down on a couch in his boxers and undershirt. His arm hung down over the side and the blanket he'd had draped over him had long since fallen to the floor. Consciousness was a gentle presence on the very edge of his brain. His mouth was open and he lightly snored, drooling onto his pillow. He shifted slightly in his sleep.

…And promptly slid onto the floor.

Consciousness was now an irate Repo man stealing away the last of his sleep by cutting it up with a rotating saw. His once-open mouth closed on morning breath that stank like death. Literally. Moaning, he attempted to lift himself from the surface he'd landed on, then he gave up and rolled over, trying to find the fragments of his sleep and piece them back together into a painless dreamland.

"Coffee?" asked an entirely too loud voice from miles above his head. He opened on eye, experimentally, and saw the tall form of Donald Flack standing over him with two mugs in his hands. Taking in Danny's location and expression, Flack figured he'd need a bit more in the way of explanation. "It's a hot drink full of caffeine. If you drink it, the pain might just become bearable."

Not yet up to the rigors of speech, Danny managed to prop himself up against the couch and reach for the cup. He closed his eyes as he took one long, wonderful sip of the soothing nectar.

"So… you kissed Lindsay, huh?" Don asked casually, sitting down on a nearby chair.

Danny's eyes opened and he choked on his coffee.

He recovered after a moment, carefully placing his coffee mug on the table and then grabbing the blanket from the floor and wrapping it around his body and over his head like a shield. He lay back down on the floor with no intention of getting up again.

"How about that," Don cheerfully finished his own cup of coffee and continued getting ready for work.

………

Lindsay lay face down on the mattress she still hadn't managed to buy a bed frame for. Her mouth was open and issuing quiet snores of drunken bliss and her hair radiated all over her pillow. She snorted once or twice and rolled over, immediately regretting that decision as the entire planet seemed to rotate extra-quickly around her. She spent one useless moment wondering why rollercoasters were so popular before she bolted up and ran to the bathroom.

Jess met her at the bathroom door as she exited much more slowly than she'd entered. "Coffee." Lindsay looked from her friend to the mug and back to her friend. She was having a little trouble processing human speech, but there was something about that smell that wasn't making her want to throw up, and she considered that good.

Jess took in her friend's blank expression and decided that more explanation was necessary. "It's a magic drink. It will make everything better."

Lindsay took the mug and shuffled slowly into the living room and sat on the couch. She sipped gingerly and tried to keep her head from exploding.

"So, Danny kissed you, did he?" Jess asked casually, sipping from her own mug.

Lindsay nodded and took another sip. Nodded, took a sip. Nodded. "Wha…" she cleared her throat. "What?"

"Danny kissed you and did a crap job of it and you want him to do it better next time. Honestly, I'm surprised it was a bad kiss. I mean, look at the guy. He looks like he could give a girl an orgasm from some intense _hand-holding_ for God's sake. I totally expected him to be a good kisser."

Lindsay nodded and took another sip. She looked at her roommate with interest. "What?"

Jess opened her mouth to explain further, then gave it up as a lost cause. "You should go take a shower."

Lindsay nodded and took another sip. "What?"


	36. Interrogations

**Author's Note: **Sorry about the lack of writing for the last few days. I can't believe I went from 5,000 words a day to two chapters in 3 days. I suck. Let's just say I've been exhausted and leave it at that. Let's see how many chapters I can post today! Go Team! (or some other appropriate sports-like reference).

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Interrogations**

Lindsay felt much more human after her shower. She'd had to spend the first half of it sitting in the bathtub as the water poured over her because she just wasn't physically capable of holding herself upright on the slippery surface. By the time she got out, though, she felt almost human again. _The palliative effects of a long, how shower are truly astounding. _She dried her hair quickly with a towel, then wrapped one around her body and padded to her room to get dressed. _I swear, it's like spending half an hour under running water actually washed off my hangover… as well as the smoke, sweat and vomit that were all making me feel so very wonderful._ She shuddered again, remembering that she'd actually slept with bits of vomit in her hair. _Ew._

She put on some pajama pants and a tank top and went out to see her roommate for the second time that day. This time, however, she wouldn't be able to escape "The Talk."

Holding up one finger as she crossed through the living room to the kitchen, she said, "Not without coffee and food."

Jess closed her mouth and waited patiently for Lindsay returned before saying in a flat, incredulous tone, "Danny kissed you."

"Yes."

"Danny _Messer_. The incredibly _hot_ guy, whom you constantly claim to detest, **kissed** you, and you somehow _neglect_ to inform me of this fact? Did you think I wouldn't find that, I don't know, _incredibly fucking **fascinating**!"_

Lindsay wiggled a finger in her ear, "Could you maybe take it down about 50 decibels? I think they heard you in Brooklyn."

"**You kissed Danny, Lindsay! **They probably **care** about it in Brooklyn!"

………

Danny waited until Flack left for work, then finally disentangled himself from his protective blanket of fear. He'd been surprised when that trick had worked, but then he'd realized that he hadn't so much escaped interrogation as simply delayed the inevitable torture of his friend's ruthless questioning. _He's knows my weaknesses. This is not good. He's gonna make me crack. Bastard._

Shuffling into the bathroom, he risked a glance at himself in the mirror and immediately regretted the action. It was _not_ a pretty sight. Wiping a hand across his face and through his hair, he realized anew how very **bad** his breath tasted. With no toothbrush handy, he squeezed some out on his index finger and rubbed it around his mouth and over his tongue. It'd have to do. He stepped into the shower, very glad that he was on call today and praying that his beeper wouldn't go off. _Please, God, just let me have one day of prep time before I have to face everyone at work. Please?_

Twenty minutes later, he stepped out of the shower again and was toweling himself off when he heard the telltale noise of the instrument of his doom. He picked up his beeper and sighed, then he stared up at the ceiling and mute appeal.

"This is because I don't go to church enough, isn't it?"

………

"That's it?" Jess asked, disappointed.

"That's it." Lindsay confirmed.

"So, it was basically a nothing kiss in completely explicable circumstances with absolutely nothing elicit or passionate behind it?"

"Yup."

"Well, that sucks."

"What?"

"C'mon, Linds! He's the office hottie? ... You're the pretty, new girl from the country? … You argue, but you also flirt? … It's like the most obvious match on the planet!"

Lindsay picked up her friend's coffee mug and sniffed it.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking to see if you're drunker than I was last night."

………

"Hey Stella. I got your page. What's up?" Danny asked, trying to behave normally in the hopes that she'd forget what she'd heard last night.

"Follow me, I need your help with something," she said without looking up from the folder she was reading.

"Sure, no problem." Danny fell into step beside her, waiting for the details on the case.

"We've got a white male suspect, late-20's early-30's, real tough guy. He's denying everything. Flack's out on another case, and Mac's in a meeting with the mayor. I need someone to get this guy to crack, and I figure you might be able to do something." She finally looked up from her folder. "I need to get this guy, Danny."

Danny nodded. "I'll do it."

He walked into the interrogation room and spotted Flack, immediately. Behind him were Mac and Hawkes. He whipped around to see Stella closing and locking the door.

"Shit."

………

"So… if I'm not allowed to talk about Danny anymore, can I at least talk about Chris?" Jess asked, slightly snippishly.

Lindsay stuck out her tongue. "Yes, you can talk about Chris. What about him?"

"Do you have any memory of, oh I don't know… talking on the phone last night?" Jess asked casually.

"Phone… phone… I remember someone laughing at me over the phone. Why?"

"That was Chris. He was laughing because you told him you were drunk and suggested that he should get drunk, too. Remember anything else?" She was having trouble hiding her smile.

Lindsay's brow wrinkled in the effort of recollection. "I think… did he say something about doing something today?"

"Good, good. Now… do you remember what activity you suggested?" Jess sat on the very edge of her seat, biting her bottom lip to keep from howling and wrapping her arms around her ribs to stop herself from quaking with the internal struggle to contain her amusement.

Lindsay paused, looking up at the ceiling and squinting. She replayed in her mind the bits of the conversation that she could remember. Jess could see her lips moving faintly with the words. Ever so slowly, the light of awareness washed over her face. Jess couldn't help but notice that it had a slightly greenish hue to it.

"…Oh. Oh God. Did I really say that to him?" _Please, God, tell me I didn't actually say those things out loud. And please tell me that Jess didn't over hear them._

"Say what? That you wanted to have lots of sex with him? Or that you wanted to have lots of sex with him because he's really good in bed?" Jess could no longer keep the gleeful smile from her face. She was practically bouncing in her chair.

Lindsay covered her face in her hands. _This is because I don't go to church often enough, isn't it?_

………

Flack paced around the room. He raised his index finger. "Fact! You, Daniel Messer, have been preoccupied with one Lindsay Monroe ever since she moved here."

"I wouldn't say…" Danny sat at the table, spreading his hands in attempted equivocation. Flack gave him a hard stare and raised a second finger. _Preoccupied is an overstatement. Idly curious, maybe. Occasionally interested, sure. But Preoccupied? No way._

"Fact! You, Daniel Messer, frequently seek out the company of one Lindsay Monroe, even when her company is neither required nor freely given."

"Again, I don't think…" _ It's not freely given? Seriously?_

"**Fact!** You, Daniel Messer, have remarked in private that one Lindsay Monroe is…" Flack paused to flip through his notebook, "… 'the killer combo' wherein you meant that she is both physically attractive and extremely intelligent."

"Hey, I did no such …" _At least, not out loud._

"Not in so many words, but I'm a detective, and I know how to detect shit like that. Plus, you have a crap poker face," Flack grinned cockily. "Fact! You, Daniel Messer, have _kissed_ one Lindsay Monroe."

Danny squirmed in his chair.

"What? No denial this time? Cat got your tongue there, big guy?" Flack placed his hands flat on the table and leaned down into his friend's face.

Danny crossed his arms and glared. "I'm not sayin' another thing 'til I get a lawyer."


	37. Hail Mary

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Hail Mary**

Danny remained adamant in his refusal to answer any more questions, and they didn't have enough to hold him any longer. Regretfully, Flack opened the door to the interrogation room.

"Remember, buddy. No leavin' town," he said seriously, sticking a finger in Danny's face.

"Hey, I got a steady job and a girlfriend here, ya think I'm gonna make tracks?" _Cops, man. Idiots._

"Yeah, you're so attached to your girlfriend that you're kissin' other girls," Flack snorted.

Mac jumped in just in time to keep Danny from throwing Flack into a wall. "Alright, alright. That's enough, you too. Flack, go back to your desk. Danny, go talk to Stella. Feel free to yell at her, since this was her idea."

Flack smirked and gave Danny a jaunty wave on his way out the door. Danny pulled a fist back in retort, then shrugged his clothes back into place. _I'm gonna **kill**_ _Flack for this. And I'm gonna kill Stella for thinkin' it up. And I'm gonna kill Montana for havin' a big mouth. … and I'm gonna kill myself for kissin' her in the first place. _Danny lifted his glasses and ran his hands over his face.

………

After having her curiosity not-at-all-satisfied, Jess decided to give up and head to the library to do some more work on her dissertation. She was going to meet Sheldon there, later, and quite possibly rub him in the nose of Dave the Librarian who'd failed to yield to her advances all those months before.

If you can't have the guy you want, get an even better one and make the first one green with envy. Good motto.

Lindsay used the time by herself to drink the rest of the coffee in the pot, have a decent meal, and make herself look extra cute for her boy. She wasn't really sure if he actually thought they'd be having lots and lots of sex today, but if he _did_ think that, she was going to be prepared: shaved legs, good underwear, make-up. _Actually, I kinda hope he **does**_ _want to have lots and lots of sex. This whole shift work thing that we both do doesn't really give us much time for that sort of thing._

She sat on the couch, not watching TV for a while, waiting for him to show up. She couldn't remember if he'd mentioned when he'd come over, and Jess hadn't said anything about a specific time, so she was just hanging out and waiting for the…

_BUZZ_

"Hi? Who's there?" Lindsay was finally starting to heed the constant safety drills she'd been lectured about by every New Yorker she knew. Never buzz up automatically just because you're expecting someone. Always check who it is, first.

"Hey, pretty lady. It's Chris. How's the hangover?"

"Why don't you come up and see for yourself?" she grinned.

She gave her curls a few last touches, trying to make herself as pretty as possible, and then she heard his knock. Opening the door, she was greeted to the sight of a tall, handsome, muscular man in well-fitting jeans and an untucked, partially-unbuttoned blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was holding flowers.

_Oh God. I **love** it when he wears his shirt like that. He looks like he's already started to undress, and it just makes me want to finish the job. _She bit her lip and tried to focus on his greeting and offering of flowers. _Yes. I'm definitely horny. Unqualified affirmative on that one._ Taking the flowers, she brought them to the kitchen to put them in some water, Chris following closely behind her and enquiring about her previous night's adventures.

"I don't really remember that much after my third margarita, actually," Lindsay blushed. "Except…" she bit her lip and stared up at him, "there was this phone call I had."

"Oh yeah?" Chris' face took on a slightly hopeful expression. "What kinda phonecall?" He moved closer to her.

"This hot guy I know wanted to ask me out." She took a step closer to him.

"Really? Should I be jealous?" He smiled down at her as his hands closed on her hips.

"Oh yeah. Definitely. I told him that I'd only go on a date with him if we could stay in all day…" she licked her lips and placed her arms on his shoulders. He lifted her up til she was sitting on the counter. She leaned in, pulling him close to her and whispering in his ear. "…and have _lots_ and _lots_ of **sex**."

………

"Stella, ma bella." _You amazingly evil woman._

"Dan, my man!" She turned away from her microscope to greet him.

"Do you have some sort of death wish that I'm not aware of?"

"… Mac told you?"

"Ohh yeah."

Danny waited while she bagged up her evidence and logged it back into the locker. Then, he escorted her out of the building for her lunch break. If they were going to have this talk, they were going to have it where no one, especially _Flack_ could overhear.

"It was just a little kiss," he explained as they dug into their pasta. "She helped me with a case, I got overexcited by the breakthrough, and I kissed her. I didn't even realize I'd done it 'til like two days later." _Good. Stick with the truth, and she won't be able to use her voodoo mind tricks on you._

"If it was such a little, meaningless kiss, why did we need to stick you in Interrogation to find out about it?" she asked, interestedly, as she lifted a forkful of salad to her mouth.

"… that's not the point!" _Damnit! **How** does she **do** that?_

"Then what _is_ the point?"

Danny thought, frantically, tossing around for anything, anything at all that could get him out of this conversation. "… well, it's not like you and Mac feel the need to tell the rest of us every time **you** kiss." _Hail Mary full of grace…_

Stella stopped chewing abruptly and looked at Danny in surprise. She swallowed hard and reached for her water glass, taking a long draught. "That's… that's completely different." She actually blushed.

_Poker face. Poker face!_ "How so?"

"Because… I mean, there's… and also… plus…" Stella gestured helplessly. Finally, she sighed in resignation. "Shut up and eat your pasta, Messer."

"Right back atcha, Bonasera." _Thank you, Lord._ Danny sighed in relief and dug into his lasagna with renewed energy.

**Author's Note:** There's a little SMacked for you S&M lovers out there ;) Enough people (ie more than 1) have expressed interest in reading the M-rated bits of this story that I've now created "Naughty Bits" … a companion fic which expands upon the sex and violence I'm not including here because I like the T rating. The first chapter is an extension of the sex scene introduced here between Lindsay and Chris. If you don't read it, don't worry, but there will be mention of bits of it in this story.


	38. Five to One Against

**Author's Note:** I made a companion fic to this one, titled Naughty Bits. It's going to have the M-rated scenes not included in this fic. Chapter 37 is the first of the Naughty Bits and it describes part of Lindsay and Chris' day of "lots and lots of sex." There are references in this chapter to what happened there, but you can understand this just fine without reading the smut.

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Five to One Against **

Jess walked into her apartment that night and immediately reached into her purse for her mace. The front hall table was overturned, mail and keys jumbled on the floor. Pictures were crooked on the wall. A plant was overturned. She speed-dialed Sheldon. "C'mon, c'mon, _pick up_," she whispered as she slowly entered her home, leaving the door open as a quick escape route and looking in every direction at once, almost.

"_Hawkes._"

"Oh, thank God, Sheldon!" she whispered urgently into the phone.

"_Jess? Honey? What's wrong? What's happened?_" She could feel his concern radiating out of the phone, and already she was noticing that the TV and stereo were untouched.

"I… I'm not sure. I mean, it looks like we were robbed, but…"

"_Robbed! Are you there? Get out of there! What if the thief is still there?"_

"… **but** nothing obvious is missing." She looked around a bit more, tripping over something. She bent down to look at what it was and then smiled.

"_Jess? **Jess!** Are you still there?"_

"I'm fine, sweetie. False alarm."

"_False alarm? What kind of false alarm makes you think your apartment has been broken into?"_

"You can ask Lindsay about that tomorrow at work."

"_Wha…?_"

"It's ok, Sheldon. I'm fine, Lindsay's fine, and our apartment is fine. I'll tell you more later. We still on for dinner at 7?"

"_Yeah… I mean, if you're sure?"_

"Definitely."

………

Danny figured that, since he was at work anyway, he might as well finish off some paperwork before heading home again. _I can't believe they frikkin' **interrogated**_ _me!_ He opened a file with enough force to knock over his cup of pencils on his desk. _Damnit! This is just not my day._ Sighing, he reached down and righted them.

"Knock, knock."

Danny looked up at the voice of Sheldon Hawkes. He grunted a greeting and then righted his cup and replaced the pencils before turning back to his files.

"So… I'm going to take that as an 'I'm still pissed at you, Hawkes' kinda greeting."

Danny made another grunt and started pounding the keys so hard that both men were almost surprised that the keyboard didn't break. _Good guess, buddy._

"Ok, I'm sorry about the interrogation thing. But, you've gotta admit… you kissing Lindsay? That's pretty huge news." Sheldon sat down, uninvited, in the desk opposite the desk.

_How many women have I kissed in my day? And **this** is the one that everyone makes a fuss over? What the hell?_ "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why's it huge news? It was a nothing kiss. I got overexcited when she broke the Michael Brody case for me, and I kissed her in the heat of the moment. No big," he shrugged unconvincingly. _It was nothin'. Didn't mean a damned thing. I don't even think about it… all the time._

"Yeah, it was a nothing kiss," Sheldon paused and leaned in to regard his friend more closely, "… and that call I just got from Jess made total sense, too. Maybe you want to buy some land I own in Florida? It's only a little bit wet."

_Hah. Funny guy._ "What phone call?"

………

Lindsay and Chris exited her bedroom all smiles, still kissing as she walked him down the hall, leading him by the belt loops in his jeans. They laughed at the state of his shirt as they picked it up and he attempted to get it in some semblance of wearability. Lindsay managed to find two of the buttons that had flown off when she'd ripped his shirt off in the heat of the moment in the kitchen and she placed them in his pocket.

Looking around at the mess they'd made in their haste to get to her room, she had to laugh. "It's a good thing Jess isn't home yet. She'd probably think we'd been robbed or something." _Which would, of course, lead to my death at her hands._

"Ahem."

They both turned slowly, like characters in a horror movie who know that the monster/murderer/ghost/etc. is directly behind them but just have to turn and look. Sitting there on a chair in the corner of the living room, was Jess. She waved at them, a sarcastic smirk on her face.

"Uhh…you'd better go, hon. I think Jess is going to, I dunno, vivisect me or something."

Lindsay didn't really hear his goodbyes or apologies as he backed hurriedly out the door, still trying to get his shirt done up properly.

Jess raised an eyebrow. "So… you two had fun, today."

Lindsay cleared her throat. "Lil bit, yeah."

Jess just looked at her.

Lindsay tried to sit down casually, but her nervousness showed in her movements. "So… did you, um, think that, y'know, we'd been, uh… robbed?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Lil bit, yeah."

"Oops."

"Yeah, oops."

The women finally met each other's eyes. The staring contest lasted all of about three seconds before they both finally collapsed in laughter.

"My god, woman! I had no _idea_ you were such an animal in the sack! Go Lindsay!"

"Well, y'know…" she blushed, "I _told_ you he was good."

"From the looks of our apartment, he must be fan-fucking-**tastic**! Tell me everything!"

The girls cleaned while they gossiped, Lindsay repotting the plant they'd knocked over and righting the pictures while Jess sorted the mail and keys back onto the table and picked up the discarded clothing from the kitchen. It had been Lindsay's bra that had tripped her earlier.

"Wow, that sounds… amazing." Jess got a thoughtful look on her face. "Y'know, Sheldon has a really _nice_ kitchen table…"

"Please stop that thought right there? I have to work with him, remember?" _Not to mention the fact that I occasionally **eat**_ _on that table. At least I had the courtesy to keep my pants on until I got to my own room._

Jess stuck out her tongue at her friend. "So, how many times anyway? Since I know you wanted to have 'lots and lots of sex'," she teased.

Lindsay blushed again and whispered something.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you?"

"Four." _Lots and lots and lots…_

Jess whistled. "_Very_ nice."

"Mmhmmm."

Looking at her roommate, she noticed that Lindsay seemed preoccupied with something. She went into the kitchen and got the ice cream and two spoons, bringing it out to the living room and ordering her friend to sit.

"Ok, spill."

"What?" _How does she **know** all the time?_

"What's got you all preoccupied in a way that is not particularly post-coital?"

Lindsay struggled internally for a few moments. _Of forget it. I might as well just tell her. She'll drag it out of me, eventually, anyway._ "I… well, I kinda almost said the wrong name at one point."

Jess' mouth dropped. "**_No way!_**"

Lindsay nodded, getting an extra-big spoonful of Chocolate Chocolate Fudge into her mouth.

"Who? Why? _When_? I mean… _then?_ Like, at the big moment? I can't believe this. Who's name? Who would you…" She took in Lindsay's shrinking stature as the woman attempted to bury herself in the cushions of the couch and hide. "DANNY!" she shrieked. "Oh my GOD! You almost said Danny while you and Chris were… Oh my god!" She completely forgot about the spoonful of ice cream that was halfway to her mouth.

_What are the odds that she'll keep this a secret, I wonder?_

"Oh my God! I have to call Sheldon!"

_That good, eh?_


	39. Yet Another Dumpster

**Author's Note: **Spoilers for episode 10. The beginning of the end of Cindy. Chris isn't going anywhere yet, so be patient.

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Yet Another Dumpster**

Sheldon looked around the room, uneasily. "I'm really not sure this is the sort of thing that we should discuss in a restaurant, Jess."

"I'm just saying that your kitchen table certainly _appears_ sturdy enough, but we might want to do a couple of stress tests before we take it for a spin," she nonchalantly took a sip of wine.

"I… y'know what? Okay. I'll… I'll stress test my kitchen table. Just, stop talking about that, okay?" he asked, desperately, still looking around to see if anyone had heard his girlfriend suggest a new location for them to have sex.

"Alright," she took a bite of her chicken and chewed thoughtfully. "So, what would you do if I said the wrong name during sex?"

Sheldon choked on his steak. "**What?**"

"Shh, honey. Do you want everyone to overhear our conversation?"

His mouth moved soundlessly for a moment. "What?" he hissed in a barely audible whisper.

"I was just wondering if you'd be really mad or something if I said the wrong name during sex. Like, say, if I called you Dave or something." He was aware of her former crush.

"Yeah, I'd say I'd be a bit put out. Why do you ask?"

"Lindsay was just seeking some advice. She almost did that with Chris today when they were having apartment-destroying sex all afternoon."

Sheldon sat back in his chair, surprised. Lindsay didn't seem the type to have more than one man on the go at once. Did she have some ex-boyfriend back in Montana that she was still hung up on? What there another guy here in New York? Who would she…

He looked at his girlfriend with a completely stunned expression, leaning forward, "Oh my God… was it…?"

"I promised Lindsay I wouldn't say anything," she nodded vigourously.

"Oh wow. I've gotta call…" he looked down as his beeper went off. "Damnit. I'm sorry sweetheart. I've got a body in a dumpster. I've gotta go."

Jess sighed, "It's a good thing I'm a secure woman with healthy self-esteem or the fact that you constantly run off to be with dead people would probably affect my psyche rather traumatically."

Sheldon leaned down to kiss her, leaving money on the table to cover their meal. "I'm buying you flowers?"

"And chocolates," she kissed him back and watched him leave, then tucked into the rest of her dinner.

………

"Not a very creative body dump," Sheldon said as he climbed the ladder to the top of the dumpster. They probably got a dozen of these a month, if not more.

"Does the job, right?" Danny asked, looking down into the trash with his flashlight. _Always the frikkin' dumpster. Why can't someone ever leave a body in, I dunno, a pile of fresh laundry. That'd be nice._ "Who called it in?

"Those two over there,' Hawkes pointed to a young couple being interviewed by an officer.

"That's good. If the vic's missin' any blood, we'll know the Dracula twins did it."

The two men climbed into the dumpster and each took an end of the carpet the victim was rolled up in. Lifting him out was easy enough, but getting him down the ladders was slightly trickier. By the time they had him on solid ground, their muscles were aching.

"I think Jess is going to have to wait on that kitchen thing," Hawkes said to himself.

"Kitchen thing?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, its…" Sheldon regarded the body, the surrounding police, and all of the gawkers at the scene. "I'll tell you later."

They unrolled the body to find a young man wearing nothing but boxer shorts. There were no marks on the body and after finding petechial hemorrhaging, Hawkes was willing to be it was asphyxiation. He stayed to process the scene while Danny went with the body back to the coroner's office.

………

Lindsay got to work on the roller derby uniforms of all of the women who'd been skating the previous night. Their victim had wound up at the bottom of a pile with her face bashed in by a skate, and it was Lindsay's job to see who had done what damage.

_These outfits don't really leave much to the imagination, do they?_ She picked up the 'shirt' belonging to her vic, She Hate Me and began to process it. She smiled as she remembered Mac's earlier conversation with the women and the one who'd taken an obvious liking to him. _I don't really blame her, but she's going to have to be something to get in there before Stella._

Moving on to the skirts, she looked around for a moment before holding one against her hips to see just how long it was. _Well, I suppose it technically covers everything it should… until I bend over. _Pair that with the shirt and the fishnet stockings the victim had been wearing and she got a clear picture of why roller derby was so incredibly popular.

Once finished with them, she went to work on the skates, looking for blood or other trace belonging to the victim. She found quite a lot. Mac came in to check on her.

"Good news, your girlfriend might be in the clear." _Finally, I get to dish out some of the teasing instead of just taking it._

Mac laughed, "Based on?"

"This," she showed him hair and blood from the victim that had been found on another skate. Most of the skates had blood on them, but it was all transfer, judging by the blood patterns. They had merely rolled through the blood during the brawl. There was only one skate that had spatter, indicating that it had been the one to strike the blow.

"Good work. Whoever owns this skate must be a tough customer."

"Oh yeah," Lindsay said with a smile as she moved over to the racks of uniforms. Pulling one out and displaying the name, she said, "She's Hallie on Wheels."

"Alright, then I want you to track down Ms. Wheels and see what she has to say for herself. I wonder how she'll explain the fact that she stepped on our victim's face."

………

Danny set up a series of light boards and started arranging the pictures of his victim. It had been chance that had led to him finding the writing at all. _Man, I've seen some shit in my time but this… _He read a few sentences and found himself interested in what was written. _Well, at least whoever did this wasn't a hack._ He moved a few more pictures around, trying to match up the words and sentences and find a sequence that made sense with the position of the body. _The whole thing's covered… who does this kinda thing?_ Finally, he had the text arranged, start to finish.

Sheldon came in, "Hey, Hammerbach confirmed cause of death. I've also got an ID on our vic. His name's Griffin Holden. His editor put out a missing persons. Apparently, he was some sort of…"

"Writer," Danny said with a smile.

"Yeah."

Danny indicated the series of photographs with writing all over them, "It was everywhere." Sheldon approached the wall as Danny continued, "And the handwriting's consistent throughout, so there's no way that he did the writing."

After spending several hours reading and piecing the text together, Danny was fairly certain of what they had here. The final chapter of Griffin Holden's book, written on his dead body. The question now was: who wrote it?

………

They'd managed to rule out the skate to the face as the cause of death. It was looking now more like the victim had been poisoned. Poisoned with something that would probably affect the whole team. Lindsay took a deep breath and blew it out again as she regarded all of the creams, lotions, shampoos, conditioners, exfoliants, rinses, and other accoutrements of beauty that she'd collected from the locker room. _This… this is gonna take a while._ Metaphorically rolling up her sleeves, she got to work.

………

They'd managed to trace back the origins of the carpet and had interviewed their vic's brother, but they didn't have enough to go on. Going back to the DNA they'd found, they interviewed a repeat offender who was now claiming to have seen the light and gone straight. He pointed them across the street to where he'd helped someone with a heavy carpet a few nights previously.

As they walked across the street, Danny's phone rang. It was Cindy. _Not now, Cindy. I'm at work, for cryin' out loud._

"Coldplay," Hawkes identified the song.

"Yeah, it's called Talk," Danny grinned ruefully, "Something that my girlfriend is really good at." _She sure did pick an appropriate ringtone for herself. Now if only that didn't lead to the world thinkin' I like Coldplay._

Finally, they had a decent lead in the case. The building that the former drunk had pointed them to just happened to be where the victim's editor lived. _Well, that's an interesting little plot twist._


	40. Gossip

**Chapter Forty: Gossip**

Danny looked up from his paperwork to regard Lindsay. He hadn't seen much of her lately, between being paired up on different cases and her going out with her boyfriend all the time. _Doesn't the guy have anything better to do?_ He ran a hand through his hair and licked his lips. _Who'm I kiddin'. Of **course**_ _he doesn't have anythin' better to do._

His phone started playing out Talk again, and he looked at it for a moment before deciding not to answer it, again.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Lindsay asked, looking up curiously.

"Nah, it's Cindy. If I answer it, I'll spend the next hour talkin' and I'll never get outta here."

She pursed her lips together in an effort not to smile. "Appropriate choice of song for her ringtone, then." _Trouble in paradise?_

"Yeah, I was just thinkin' the same thing."

Lindsay packed up the last of her files and looked at her watch.

"Y'got another hot date with Chris?" _That's good. Sound casual._

"Nope, girls night out, tonight."

"Yeah? You and Stella?"

"Nope. **Stella's** got a hot date. Tonight, it's just me and Jess."

"She does? Who with?" _I saw Mac a while ago, and he looked like he was in for the night._

"You'll have to ask Stella." _Frankie may be hot, but he's no Mac._

"Alright, well can I ask what you and Jess are gonna do tonight at least?"

"Roller derby. My case got me interested." _Seems like a pretty good stress reliever, actually. I mean, if it can work for a kindergarten teacher, I think it can work for me._

Danny snorted and shook his head, "I'm sorry, but I just can't see you watchin' roller derby, Montana."

Lindsay got up and walked toward the door. "Then your head'll probably explode when I tell you that I won't be watching… I'll be **skating**." _How'd you like them apples, Messer?_

Danny's jaw dropped and he couldn't think of a thing to retort with as she left the room. _Montana… in one of those outfits? Ohhh God._

………

Flack sat at a table in a bar with Hawkes and Danny. He was buying the drinks to make up for his interrogation before. They compared notes on their now-solved cases and agreed for the millionth time that the world was a pretty screwed up place.

"I still can't believe that Montana's out there, somewhere, skatin' roller derby." _In one of those short little plaid skirts and those shirts that show off all the skin and you can see her bra and… _Danny took a long pull of his beer.

"She's just _full_ of surprises these days, isn't she?" Hawkes asked, unable to contain his smile as he ate some more nachos.

"Yeah, that drunken revelation the other night sure was unexpected," Flack chuckled, waving the waitress over for another pitcher.

"Oh yeah, there's that, too. I'd almost forgotten about that."

Danny and Flack looked at Hawkes. "What other surprises have there been recently?"

Hawkes looked back, slyly. "Well, I don't think I'm supposed to tell you, but this bit of gossip is just too much to pass up."

The men all leaned in toward the middle of the table.

"Apparently, Lindsay and Chris had apartment-destroying sex on her day off, yesterday."

Danny leaned back again. _I really don't want to know about this do I?_ "Uhh… I think that's too much information about my partner, there, Hawkes." _But man, first she breaks a bed, then she destroys an apartment? She'd probably kill me, but what a way to go!_

"Trust me, Danny, you **really** want to hear this."

His curiosity piqued, Danny leaned back in again.

"_Apparently_, at least, according to Jess… they were at a certain point in the activity, if you know what I mean," Flack nodded impatiently and Danny nodded with a slightly sick expression, "and she came very close to saying the _wrong name_."

"Whoa!" Flack sat back in surprise. "Who'da thunk little Lindsay was that kinda girl, huh?"

"Hey! Montana ain't like that, ok?" _Don't make me hit you, Don. Cuz I will._

Flack raised his hands in defense and agreement, "Ok, ok… she ain't like that. Sorry I jumped to the obvious conclusion. Eesh."

Danny got up and went outside to get some air and cool off before he really did hit his friend.

"So, was it…?" Flack asked, poking a thumb back in Danny's direction.

"I'm not at liberty to say," Sheldon replied, nodding a very obvious 'YES!'

"Y'know, I _could_ tell him… or I could not, seein' as how he's bein' all pissy to me." Flack pondered for a moment. "Yeah, I'm gonna go with not. He's a smart guy. He can figure it out for himself."

………

Danny kept walking as he left the bar, the cool air feeling good on his face. _Montana's out there, right now, skatin' around in next to nothin' while half the city watches. _He walked a bit faster. _Yesterday, she broke her damned **apartment** while fuckin' some guy she's known for a few months. _He kicked an empty can with particular force, sending it spiraling along the sidewalk ahead of him. _And the sex was so good, she couldn't even get his name right._ He stuck his hands in his pockets, hard, hurting his knuckles when they came in contact with his cell phone.

_I know the kinda girl who says the wrong name. I know, cuz I used to be that kinda guy. I don't think Montana's that kinda girl. Is she? I didn't think she'd be a roller derby queen, either, and she apparently is. I didn't think she'd date a guy who looks more like a mountain than a man, and yet… Chris. I don't really know her at all, do I? _

His phone rang again, and this time he just turned it off.


	41. Mmm Chicken

**Chapter Forty-One: Mmmm Chicken**

Danny arrived home to find Cindy waiting for him. His walk slowed as he sighed and ran a hand over his face. _Great. Just what I needed tonight._

"Danny, we need to talk."

_Saw that one coming._ "You wanna come up? Or you wanna do it out here on the steps?" _Let's just get this over with, already._

Cindy looked at him for a moment, deciding that he wasn't in the mood to hear her carefully prepared speech. "We can do it here, if you'd prefer."

He sat down, looking up at her expectantly. _Hurry up and dump me so I can get inside and knock my head against the wall for an hour._

"Danny, I'm sorry, but there's something I have to tell you." She looked at him and he didn't seem at all surprised or concerned. "It's just that… with you always at work and never answering my calls and all…" He still seemed completely passive and mildly uninterested. "Well, there's someone else."

"Okay," he moved as if he was going to get up. _Good. That's over with. Now, on to the head bashing._

"**Okay?**" she asked, incredulous that he didn't even seem to care. "Don't you even care that your girlfriend has been seeing someone behind your back?"

"You weren't all that subtle, Cindy. It's my **job** to notice things like that." He got up and searched his pocket for his keys.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she crossed her arms over her chest, pissed that he wasn't more pissed off.

"Honestly? I just didn't have the energy to talk to you about it. I figured at least this way, someone else would be dealing with it, instead." He unlocked the front door and turned back to her. "No hard feelin's, though. I hope you two are happy." _And that he's more talkative than me._

He closed the door on her outraged expression and went up the stairs to his apartment. _That was actually a lot shorter than I thought it'd be._

………

Lindsay walked into work the next day to see the team circled around Danny at a break room table. They were all drinking coffee and laughing, but with sympathetic looks on their faces.

"What's up?" she asked, pouring her own coffee.

"Danny and Cindy broke up last night. She was cheating on him," Flack offered. He got smacked in the head by Stella and Hawkes.

"Oh Danny, I'm so sorry to hear that, are you alright?" _Why in the world would anyone want to cheat on Danny Messer?_

"I'm fine, Montana. In fact, we were just havin' a rousin' game of 'Why did Cindy cross the road?' when you came in," he grinned up at her.

"Why did Cindy cross the road?" she repeated, confused.

Hawkes raised a hand, "To sleep with that side of the street!"

Flack retorted with, "To pay her pimp!"

Stella's turn produced, "Because that's where the STD clinic was located!"

Danny came up with, "She was finished with the odd numbered houses!"

Lindsay, getting into the spirit of it, offered up, "She hadn't slept with the chicken, yet!"

Four pairs of eyes turned to look at her.

"What?"


	42. Bad Day

**Author's Note: **Spoilers for ep. 11.

**Chapter Forty-Two: Bad Day**

_This is just not my day. _

Danny lay back on the bed of the deceased, throwing a toy ball he'd found up in the air and catching it again. Repeatedly.

_Actually, it's not my two days._

Throw, catch. Throw, catch.

_First Montana has apartment-destroying sex. _He couldn't seem to get that phrase out of his mind. Apartment-destroying sex. It was quite the image. He could picture it, perfectly. Too perfectly. He adjusted his trousers.

Throw, catch. Throw, catch.

_Then, apparently, she's screamin' some other guy's name in the heat of the moment. Prolly some cowboy back in Montana. He's prolly the size of a mountain, too. Rides horses. Wears one of those stupid hats._

Throw, catch. Throw, catch.

_And Louie callin'. That's just perfect. Prolly needs me to post bail again or somethin'._

Throw, catch. Throw, catch.

_But the best, the absolute **best**_ _part of this whole … time period. That's gotta be gettin' locked in a room with a dead body for hours. _He looked over at the slowly decomposing corpse on the floor. _Yup, that's just the frikkin' icin' on the damned cake, that is._

Throw, catch. Throw, catch.

………

Lindsay cringed as she took in the sight of the woman being slowly fried on the giant light. The smell wasn't too appetizing, either.

_You know it's gonna be a bad day when you start off with the smell of burning flesh. Or with a dumpster dive. At this point, I think I'd prefer the dumpster._

She covered her mouth for a moment, inhaling the perfume she'd sprayed on her wrist, then approached the scene.

………

_Ok, so maybe there **is** something worse than being trapped in a poorly-ventilated room with a slowly decomposin' corpse and tryin' to process evidence without a kit._

Danny struggled to undress the corpse.

_There's being trapped in a poorly-ventilated room with a slowly decomposin' **naked** corpse._

He described the body to Marty. When the other man suggested getting a more precise time of death, Danny could only laugh in complete resignation.

_Or, y'know, being trapped in a poorly-ventilated room with a slowly decomposin' naked corpse and havin' to shove a thermometer up its ass._

"Messer, is it in?"

"Gimme a second. Rigor's settin' in."

_Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new winner._

"Welcome to my world."

………

Lindsay and Mac contemplated the wrestling pool.

"Might be something in there we can use to ID the customer our victim was wrestling," he stated.

Lindsay looked down into the three-foot deep lubricant with who-knew-what floating in it and turned to Mac, "Well," she sighed, "Lemme know if you find anything."

Mac looked at her with a smirk and raised eyebrows.

_Well, it was worth a shot, right?_ "I'll get my boots." _I think I'd actually prefer a dumpster._

………

_God **damn**_ _ it's getting' hot in here. _

Danny sang under his breath, "So take off all your clothes…" as he unbuttoned his dress shirt and draped it over a chair.

_And those solvents I used in processin' the scene are mixin' oh so pleasantly with the smell of decomp. Man, I can **not**_ _take another 10 hours of this!_

He looked around to find something to test the trace he'd found on the victim's shirt. Opening a cupboard, his day got even better.

_And now, there's an ear in a jar. Perfect._

………

"Danny's **what?**" Lindsay cried, disbelievingly.

"He's trapped in a panic room with his victim. It's going to take a while to get him out."

"How long a while, exactly?" _God, I hope he's not claustrophobic._

"They're saying 13 hours."

"13 hours… I can't imagine…" _Ok, so maybe my day isn't so bad, after all._

When Mac left, Lindsay took out her cell phone and bit her lip for a moment before coming to a decision. She found Messer in her speed dial and hit the button.

"We're sorry. The cellular customer you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again, later."

_C'mon, Danny. Get through this._

………

_And to top it all off, a gun in my face. Talk about a day when I shoulda stood in bed._

He borrowed Stella's phone and started dialling. _When a day can't get any worse, you might as well just face it and get it over with. _He was thinking about the victim and how he didn't have a brother at all anymore. _Sometimes, things really can be worse._

"Louie? It's your brother. Wanna go grab that beer?"


	43. Everyone Knows But Danny

**Chapter Forty-Three: Everyone Knows But Danny**

Stella sat down to lunch with Donald Flack. She was in need of some office gossip, and he usually knew who was doing what to whom and how often.

"So, what the latest?" she asked, biting into her sandwich.

"Alright, you didn't hear this from me," he said seriously, jabbing his forefinger in her direction to underline this point, "**but** it seems that everyone's favourite flirters are gettin' a bit more than flirty." He slurped some Coke up through his McDonald's straw.

"You mean the kiss thing? Danny explained that. It wasn't really much of a kiss or in any way romantic." Stella was a bit disappointed. Usually, Flack had more recent gossip to dish, and that tidbit was over a week old.

"Nope, not the kiss thing. The sex thing."

Don smirked as Stella choked on her juice. "The **what** thing?"

………

"I didn't think Lindsay was that kind of girl," Mac said, his forehead creased in consternation. He wasn't about to get involved in the personal life of one of his CSI's, but the fact that he'd been such a poor judge of someone he'd thought he'd known… it was distressing.

"She's not," Stella patiently explained. "It was **Danny's** name she almost said. Not some random guy."

"Oh. Well that certainly changes things, doesn't it?" Mac allowed himself a small smile. "Are we changing the dates on the pool?"

"No way, Mac. You bet on July, you're stuck with July."

………

Sid carefully excised the wound as he and Marty consulted on cause of death. "You don't say?"

"Hawkes told me, and he got it straight from her roommate who got it straight from the horse's mouth," Marty bounced energetically as he tried to get a better angle with the scope.

"I assume that by "horse" you mean "Lindsay," correct?" Sid asked, squinting as he looked down his nose at the image on the screen.

"You got it."

"Quite interesting. Especially since the gentleman in question certainly seems to harbour feelings of his own towards the young lady."

"Y'know, you can just say he's got the hots for her and leave it at that."

"Yes, but that lacks a certain… _je ne sais quoi_."

"Right. That."

………

"I've heard that sometimes, repressed emotions can lead to mental deterioration, psychoses, hallucinations… even psychotic behaviour."

Flack looked around the lab at the pictures of violent crimes and the various instruments of torture and death that were being tested. Then, he looked back at Adam. "Y'had to **read** that, didja?"

"I'm just saying. I'm going to be really careful around Danny and Lindsay from now on. I don't want to be the one that finally makes them snap."

………

Lindsay walked into the break room and all conversation stopped. She gave everyone a bit of a funny look, then shrugged it off and went over to the coffee pot. She got quite a few stares and whispers before everyone seemed to find something they had to do elsewhere.

Danny walked in, looking back at all the pointing and whispering still going on in the hallway.

"Hey Montana, is it just me, or are people actin' stranger than usual around here today?"

"It's not just you."

"Well, that's somethin' at least." _I was startin' to wonder if maybe I was goin' nuts or somethin'._

"So, how are you … after being stuck in that panic room, I mean?" Lindsay asked tentatively. _I can't believe he didn't even take a day off. I knew New Yorkers were supposed to be tough, but this is ridiculous._

"Oh, I'm alright. Nothing that having a gun pointed in my face didn't cure." Danny sat down at a table beside her, sipping his own cup of coffee.

Lindsay laughed, "I can imagine." _Well, the gun in the face part I guess I don't really have to imagine, but the rest… Actually, I don't really **want** to imagine it, now do I?_

"I wouldn't recommend it, if you want to get a good night's sleep tonight." _I actually missed Cindy last night. She might have talked too much, but she was a real sweetheart. And good to curl up with when I had nightmares._

"Good point." _I wonder if he had nightmares about it._

"How 'bout you? I hear you were up to your elbows in lube the other day?" _The case, not the sex. Don't think about the sex._

_Oh God! Has he heard about the sex? Please kill me right now if he has._ "It's not my first ever strip-club murder, but it **was** my first ever lubricated crime scene. It _smelled_ better than a dumpster, but it was harder to process. I kept falling over." They both laughed as she pantomimed her difficulties.

Stella and Hawkes stood outside the break room looking in at them.

"When in the world are those two going to get together?" she asked, impatiently.

"All in good time," Hawkes answered sagely. "All in good time."


	44. Throw in a Porsche, and You're Forgiven

**Chapter Forty-Four: Throw in a Porsche, and You're Forgiven**

"Hey Jess," Lindsay called out as she dropped her bag in her room. Wandering back to the living room, she found her roommate curled up with a book about the Great Vowel Shift. _Hmm… am I in the mood for a linguistics lecture? Or do I just not ask? I think I'll go with option two._

Lindsay curled up on the other end of the couch. "I wanted to thank you."

"What for?" Jess bookmarked her page and looked at her friend in interest.

"For not telling Sheldon about the… thing I almost said," she blushed and bit her lip. _I was probably still technically drunk from the night before, considering how much I'd had to drink._

Jess blushed a bit, herself, "Yeah, well… what are friends for?" She hadn't **technically** told him, after all. He'd managed to guess, all on his own.

"I just don't know what I'd do if it somehow got back to Danny, is all." _Probably commit ritual seppuku in order to avoid the inevitable months of teasing. _

"Yeah…" Jess looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Anyway, I spent half the day up to my eyeballs in KY Jelly, so I think I'm going to go have a shower."

"… I… you…" Jess gave up trying to reply to that statement. "Have fun."

"I always do!" Lindsay called from her room as she undressed.

Jess waited til Lindsay was safely in the shower, then called Sheldon. "Sheldon, sweetie. Honey. Cupcake."

"_Uhoh. What did I do?"_

"Please tell me that you didn't tell anyone what I told you at dinner last night?"

"_Umm. Well… not **told**_ _exactly. Not as such, no._" He knew he was probably going to have to spring for champagne, now, too.

Jess covered her face with her hands. Lindsay was going to kill her. "Who all knows?"

"_Uh. Actually, pretty much everyone except Danny." _Maybe jewelry, too.

"I'm a dead woman."

"_I'll be sure to read something nice at your funeral_." And a really expensive dinner.

"You think you won't be dead, too?"

"_Good point._" At a five-star hotel.

"You're picking me up at eight."

"_I'll make the reservations._"

………

Danny opened his door, surprised to see Linday Monroe standing there with pizza and beer.

"Montana! This is a surprise." _Never thought I'd see the day._

"A good one, I hope?" _I can't believe I'm nervous. It's just Danny, for crying out loud._

"Of course, c'mon in." _Daaaamn._ He couldn't stop himself from checking out her ass in the tight jeans she wore. Combine that with the T-shirt that was short enough it revealed her bellybutton when she moved, and he was definitely enjoying this surprise. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I just figured that you had a pretty rough day yesterday and all, so I wanted to cheer you up a bit." _God, was that as lame as it sounded in my head?_

_How nice is she?_ "Hey, thanks Montana. That's real nice of ya."

She smiled as he relieved her of the food and placed it on the coffee table while she hung up her jacket. "Well, what can I say? My mother raised me right, I guess."

He once again took in the sight of her midriff as she reached up to hang her jacket. "I'll say," he said under his breath.

She turned to him with an expectant look on her face, "Sorry? I didn't hear you."

_Think fast!_ "Just said that the food looks good. What kinda pizza is it?"

"I wasn't sure what kind you like, so I got one pepperoni and one all-dressed." _I guess we'll both have cold pizza for lunch for a couple of days. Oops._

"Good call. I like 'em both."

"I think this might be the first pizza I've eaten since that time you sent me… what was it? Fifteen of them? As a prank, way back when." _I have to admit, that was a good one._

Danny counted out the message 'Messer is the Master' on his fingers. "Seventeen, actually."

"Jess and I ended up having an impromptu pizza party with our entire building. We're now the most popular girls in the complex." _Talk about an expensive way to meet the neighbours._

"Glad I could be of service," he smirked, putting his hands behind his head and looking entirely too pleased with himself.

"I should really make you pay me back for those pies, though."

"Are you kiddin' me? I **more** than paid for them with the embarrassment of having my home movies shown to the whole lab!"

She laughed, "Ohhh yeah. I forgot about that."

"How in the world did you convince my mother to give them to you, anyway?" _She never would tell me._

Lindsay shrugged, "I told her I was pranking you because you were mean to me. She said she liked a girl with that kind of … what was the word? _Chutzpah_. I didn't know your mother was Jewish."

"She's not. Her best friend is, though." _I can't believe my own mother turned on me like that. _He shook his head in disbelief. "You never cease to amaze me, Montana."

"You're pretty amazing yourself, Messer."

They both blushed and started in on their pizza, not daring to look at each other. Things were definitely getting interesting.


	45. Do You Hate Me?

**Chapter Forty-Five: Do You Hate Me?**

Danny and Lindsay sat on the couch, laughing at all of the antics they'd been up to and the jokes and pranks they'd pulled on each other.

"Oh God! Remember the platypus?" Lindsay hiccoughed, she was laughing so hard.

"You think I'll forget a six foot tall talkin' platypus? Are you kiddin' me?" Danny wiped a tear from his eye. "Y'know, you made a pretty cute Strawberry Shortcake, there." _Good enough to eat._

"And you made a pretty ridiculous looking Yosemite Sam!" she collapsed in giggles again, putting her hand on his shoulder for support.

"Hey! I resemble that remark!" They both snorted and went into fits again. He had to put his hand on her thigh to keep from falling completely off the small couch.

"You know, I was seriously impressed by the way you managed to totally recreate my office… after you destroyed it, I mean."

"I took photos of the scene before I set it up."

"You took crime scene photos of my office before you rigged it to collapse?" _Brilliant. The man is… brilliant._

"Of course! I wanted to get it all glued down right, later." The burst out laughing again, knocking their heads together.

"I actually still get calls from that biker bar in Brooklyn where you wrote my name and number." _It's strangely good for the self esteem… while being simultaneously disgusting and horrendous._

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Some guy named "Babe" said to say hi." She raised her eyebrow and tried desperately to keep a straight face. "He said you forgot your… pants?" It was no use, she fell over laughing again.

"My **dry cleaning**, Montana! Get your mind out of the… I can't believe you thought… I would **never**…" Giving up, he finally had to laugh, too. "Y'know, there's one mental image I don't think I'll ever get out of my head." _You in that bathing suit at the 'beach party.'_

"Oh yeah, what's that?" she took a few deep breaths, trying to control her laughter. Her abdominal muscles were really starting to hurt.

"Mac and Hawkes dressed up like Miami Vice. That was just… cruel and unusual." He shook his head in mock distress, then he looked up with a wicked expression. "Tell me you got pictures." _Always get pictures. Blackmail, baby, the best part of a prank._

"I'll email them to you." And off they went, again, into gales of laughter.

"Man, I still remember the look on your face that first day when I told you to call Mac 'sir.' That was fantastic."

"I really hated you, right at first, actually," she hiccoughed again and tried to wipe the tears from her face. "You were a real … jackass." _Still are, but now it's more funny than annoying._

"You **hated** me? C'mon, Montana… I was just hazin' the new girl is all." _And I was seriously pissed at you for replacin' Aiden._

"Yeah, well, I was having a bit of a week, what with moving across the country and all that." She calmed down a bit, remembering her reasons for wanting to move.

Danny noticed the change in her. _Did I say somethin' wrong?_ "What about now? Do you hate me now?" He leaned in a bit, looking into her eyes. He noticed that his hand was on her thigh. _How'd that happen?_ He had to resist the urge to squeeze it and move it up a bit higher.

Lindsay bit her lip, unprepared for the full force of his stare. Mutely, she shook her head, suddenly feeling the warmth of his hand on her thigh. She noticed her own hand on his muscled shoulder. _When did I do that?_ She resisted the urge to pull away from him. "I really don't," she answered softly.

Danny shifted slightly, moving his face a fraction of an inch forward. _This time, I'm gonna do it right._

Lindsay shifted slightly, turning almost imperceptibly away from him. _It's Danny! He can't be thinking of kissing me. That's just… ridiculous._

He sighed. _Or maybe not. Damnit._ Clearing his throat, he reached for another slice of pizza. "Glad to hear it. If you **did** still hate me, I'd have to worry about your mental faculties."

She breathed out in relief. _See? It was all in my head._ "Why? Because only crazy women can resist the Messer Magic?" she grinned.

"How'd you hear about the Messer Magic?"

"Oh, y'know. I hear things."

"You hear things?"

"Someone says something. I'm standing there. My ears work." She shrugged, "I hear things."

They broke into laughter again.

_See? Just friends. Friends are good._

_One of these days, Montana. One of these days._

**Author's Note: ** feel free to burn me in effigy or something over this chapter. :D


	46. Damsel in Shining Armour

**Author's Note: **season 2, episode 12

**Chapter Forty-Six: Damsel in Shining Armour**

Danny watched through the glass walls as Lindsay and Stella talked excitedly in the corridor. Their case had magnetized bullets and a bunch of leeches. Not to mention an actual confession to the murder. Everything led back to their suspect, so he idly wondered what it was that was taking so long.

_Women_.

He turned back to processing a hundred bazillion jars of latex paint. That was just an estimate though. There might have been one or two more. It had been the drugs in the paint that had killed his victim, not the blunt force trauma, as had originally been assumed. She was one tough cookie to take a crack like that to the head and still get out on the runway. Such a shame. If she'd been a bit weaker, she wouldn't have gone out into all of those hot lights, and she might still be alive today.

_What a waste of a beautiful woman._

He looked up at Lindsay again as she continued to talk animatedly with Stella.

_And God knows I like a beautiful woman._

………

Lindsay went back to her crime scene looking for something, anything, that could put the gun in her suspect's hand. Stella had managed to convince her that, despite his confession and the GSR on his clothing, Paul wasn't the one who'd shot the doctor. _That nurse, though. Talk about pouring it on a little thick with the mourning. She didn't scratch herself. Someone ripped the necklace off of her neck. And I'm betting it was her dear-departed boss. _

Taking the keys out of their evidence bag, Lindsay tried to put herself in her victim's place. She'd come out of the back door to the clinic and had walked toward a dead end. Was she going voluntarily or because she was forced? Lindsay moved deeper into the alley. Behind a jut out in the wall, she found a second door. The victim had been holding a particular key in her hand when she'd been shot. _I wonder…_ Slipping it into the lock, she heard the telltale thunk of a deadbolt being withdrawn. She opened the door and took out her flashlight, going in.

A few steps inside the door, she found a lightbulb chain and pulled it, flooding the room with blue light. _Oh God…_ She sorta wished she hadn't done that. There were jars and jars of leeches, maggots, spiders and various other things that she didn't really want to look at on seemingly every surface in the room. _The **killer** didn't bring the leeches to the murder scene. The **victim**_ _did!_

………

"Hey Montana, got any spiders on ya? I think I'm comin' down with malaria," Danny laughed as she entered the break room to get a bottle of water. _They call that woman a doctor? I think she should be required to put the word "QUACK" right on her door._

"Have you been inhaling ecstasy or something, Messer?" she grinned back. _Perhaps getting a bit too close to some paint bikinis?_

"Seriously, though? I'm glad you pulled that case. There's just somethin' about leeches, y'know?" he shuddered and took a sip of his coffee. _They're… unnatural._

"What? The fact that they live on blood? Or the fact that they mindlessly attach themselves to anything that has blood in it?" she raised her eyebrows in curiosity and took a swig from her bottle. _The man can deal with stabbings, decapitations, autopsies… and he can't deal with a few little leeches? The mind boggles._

"Gah! Geez, Montana! Do ya hafta come right out and say it like that?" he pulled a face. _I think I'm gonna be sick._

"Well, well, well. The famous Danny Messer has a weakness when it comes to leeches." _Some portabello mushrooms, a few wires and some string…_

"No, no, no. No way. Don't go thinkin' up some prank to pull that has me end up covered in …" he gulped, "leeches. That'd just be…" his face paled even further. "That wouldn't be cool." _She wouldn't, would she?_

Lindsay reached over and patted his bicep condescendingly, "There, there, Messer. I won't let anything bad happen to you." _What a big baby. If it weren't so hilarious, it'd be adorable._

"I'm holdin' you to that, Montana." _My very own damsel in shining armour. _

………

Lindsay sat on her desk, finishing up the paperwork on the Rachael Jeffries murder. This was one of those times when she understood why the victim had been killed. _Taking all of their money and then taking **jewelry**_ _as payment? Conning sick people is bad enough, but that level of greed is just… _She shook her head and dotted an "i" with extra fierceness.

Danny sat at his desk, finishing up the paperwork on the model murders. Two beautiful young women who'd been in the wrong place at the wrong time. It never ceased to amaze him, the lengths people would go to to cover up a crime. _Committing murder to cover up drug smuggling? Yeah, cuz that'll get you the sympathy of the jury. Eesh._

He looked up when Lindsay put her pen to paper with enough force to probably dent the table. She looked angry. _She has to learn to let this stuff go._

He stood up and walked over to her desk, crouching down beside her.

"Danny… this woman, she…" her eyes were filled with anger and pain.

"Shhh… it's alright…" he reached up and brushed her hair off of her face, where it had fallen as she worked. His fingers kept moving, touching her cheeks and moving across her lips. _God, those lips_. Her eyes closed and a soft sigh escaped her. _She's so beautiful_. He licked his lips. Her head tilted slightly, pressing his fingers to her mouth more firmly. She gave them a kiss. _Ohhh god…_

He couldn't wait anymore. He didn't care that she had a boyfriend, didn't care that they were partners and friends. He just needed to kiss her. Kiss her for real this time. Kiss her so they both knew it had happened.

Cupping the back of her head, he pulled her down. Her eyes were still closed and his fluttered shut as well as their lips met. _So soft_. His heart beat faster as his fingers tightened in her hair, pulling it out from the clip she had it pulled back in. When it tumbled down, he lost control. He ran his fingers through the long, brown silk and pressed his lips harder against her. She whimpered slightly and returned his passion, opening her mouth so he could slip his tongue inside. He groaned and tasted her. _I never want to stop_.

"Danny?"

He jumped slightly in his chair. "Huh? What?" He shook his head, trying to snap out of his fantasy world.

"You've been staring off into space for about five minutes now. You okay?"

He cleared his throat, suppressing his blush as best he could. "Yeah, fine. No worries, right?"

"If you say so. Anyway, I'm heading out. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah. See you tomorrow."

She walked out the door with a small wave and he put his head down on his desk. _Great. Now I'm hallucinating. _

**Author's Note:** well, it's a kiss… even if it didn't occur in reality. And any kiss is better than no kiss, right? Right? Anyone? Beuller?


	47. Centre of Gravity

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Centre of Gravity**

Sheldon walked into the lab, self-consciously holding his splinted arm and walking with a bit of a limp.

"Oh my God! Sheldon!" Stella came rushing up and put a gentle arm around his shoulders. "What happened? Are you alright?"

He smiled stoically, hoping against hope that he wouldn't get too many questions about his injuries. "I'm fine. It's nothing."

"Hawkes! Yo, you get mugged or somethin'?" Flack walked up and gave him a sound smack on the back in greeting. He stumbled forward half a step and glared at his friend.

"No. I just.. I had a small accident at home. It was nothing."

Mac walked up looking very concerned, "Sheldon, what did you do to your arm?"

"It's just a sprained wrist. Nothing serious, really."

"Well, I want you out of the field until that heals up. You can process and log evidence in the lab, but that's it." He gave Hawkes a fatherly pat on the shoulder. "Now, what happened?"

"Hawkes, dude! What the hell? We were supposed to go out last night and you..." Danny trailed off as he was able to see around the cluster of people surrounding his friend and get a look at his arm, wrapped in gauze. "Shit, what the hell happened?" _Shit, if he got mugged on the way to meet me…_

Lindsay strolled down the hallway, past the huddle of worried people surrounding Hawkes. She didn't even look up from her folder as she said, "He forgot to stress test his kitchen table." _I know Jess told you, and I know you told Flack… which means telling everyone. You share my business, and I share yours. Sucker._

They looked from the rapidly disappearing back of Lindsay Monroe to the even more rapidly reddening face of Sheldon Hawkes.

Mac lifted his arm from his shoulder, "I don't wanna know." He turned and went to his office.

Flack shook his head, "Y'oughtta know better than that, Doc." He wandered off back to his desk.

Stella removed her arm from its hug, "... I can guess... but I really don't think I want to. Just... be more careful next time, ok? So that we don't need to know about it in future? Please?" She had a sudden desire to wash her hands.

Danny clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Kitchen table, eh?" _Never had him pegged as a kitchen kinda guy. Shower, maybe, but… _

Hawkes nodded, miserably.

"Go with a coffee table next time. Lower center of gravity." Whistling, he put his hands in his pockets and followed Lindsay down the hall. At the corner, he turned around and called back loudly, "The counter works good, too, if you're standing up!" _This is going to be a good day._

Sheldon clapped his good hand over his face and shook his head. This was going to be a long day.


	48. Location, Location, Location

**Author's Note: **For those of you interested in how Hawkes got hurt, go right ahead and read Naughty Bits, chapter two (it's rated M). If you're just dying for me to get to the D/L smut already, I've added a fourth M-rated story to my Latin series. I had some excellent flirting with my coworker today, so I was in a mood to write smut. Can I also just say that men in tight tshirts and glasses are probably the hottest thing on the planet? Thanks.

**Chapter Forty-Eight: Location, location, location**

"In a patrol car, on a stakeout," Flack said as Danny walked into the room. "Or maybe that time in the airplane bathroom."

Stella scoffed, "Who _hasn't_ done it in an airplane bathroom?"

Danny turned around at that. "Who hasn't done _what_, exactly, in an airplane bathroom?" he smirked, surprised. _Stella, ma bella. Who knew you were a kinky one?_

"We're talking about the strangest places we've had sex. Apparently, Hawkes' strangest was last night." They all had to laugh as the former M.E. struggled to retain his composure.

"Only because of the end result," he said defensively.

"Sure, sure, Hawkes," Danny placated. "What about you, Stella?" he risked a sidelong glance over at Lindsay. _If I ask Stella first, it won't be that obvious when I ask Lindsay. Right? Right._

Stella looked thoughtful for a moment, "There are so many, really… it's hard to choose just one." She had to laugh at the surprised expressions on the faces of her male colleagues and the knowing look on Lindsay's face. "Maybe the top of the Empire State Building."

"**What?**" Flack burst out. "That's illegal!"

"Yeah, and doing it in a patrol car on a stakeout is completely by the book," she chided. "I'm also pretty sure they have signs posted about airplane washrooms being single occupancy." She raised a challenging eyebrow and he backed down.

"I'm just sayin' is all… Empire State Building." He whistled.

"What about the Empires State Building?" Mac asked as he walked in with Sid. They were going over the coroner's report together.

"It's illegal to have sex there, isn't it?" Flack asked with a significant glance at Stella.

Mac looked at her, too. "You didn't tell me that." Everyone blinked, wondering if Mac had just said what they'd thought he'd said. "I knew you had your wild days, Stella, but I had no idea you were a law-breaker. I'll have to take that into account during your next review." He cracked a small smile.

"Oh really," she said with a wide smile. "And what's the strangest place _you've _had sex, Mac?" She crossed her arms and waited patiently for his response.

He didn't even think. "Top of the Ferris wheel on Coney Island."

Even Danny was impressed by that one.

"Personally," Sid offered, "I'd say it was that time with a lovely little actress I knew. She brought me to work with her one day because we were going out directly after her shoot, and next thing I know, I'm filling in for an actor with a slipped disc. It was quite erotic, actually."

There was a large pause as everyone digested this little tidbit of information and decided whether or not to comment.

_Sid porn. Gah. I may never have sex again._ "… What about you, Montana?" Danny asked, ostensibly to move them past the awkward moment. _Let's see what you got._

She bit her lip and looked up as if trying to reach a decision. Finally, she nodded to herself. "In a helicopter, while he was flying it."

Flack actually dropped his fork, he was so surprised. "Is that even _possible_?"

Lindsay smirked, "Let's just say that I gave him some motivation." _Quite a bit of motivation, actually. Mmmm._

"You know a guy who flies helicopters?" Danny asked, his voice getting a little high at the end. _Damn. Did she date Superman, too?_

"Forest ranger."

"You and Smokey in a helicopter, huh?"

"He was only a bear in the sack."

Everyone watched this exchange as if viewing a tennis match, their heads bouncing from one to the other and back again. How in the world were these two not getting together?

"Can you top that, Messer?" _If anyone could…_

Danny licked his lips and bounced on the soles of his feet a few times. "Top, bottom, in front, or behind. It's all good." She rolled her eyes as he laughed. "Sacks Fifth Avenue. Display window. Christmastime." _Those elves can be quite… creative._

"That was **you**?" Flack asked, jabbing a finger at him.

Danny blew on his nails and polished them on his shirt. "I don't like to brag, but…"

"Yeah, you do!" everyone chorused.


	49. Another Kiss

**Author's Note: **Words can not express the amount of sex that I really want to be having right now. Unfortunately, they can completely express how much sex I'm actually able to obtain: none. As such, I've added another Latin story to my growing store of smut. If you're still waiting for the DL action here, go read that. If you're one of those lucky people who are either not currently horny or are able to satisfy their baser needs with the object of their desire, shut up cuz I hate you.

**Chapter Forty-Nine: Another Kiss**

"How's your head?" Lindsay asked her roommate solicitously as she entered their apartment. Jess was lying on the couch with a cloth over her forehead, much the same way as she had when Lindsay'd left for work that morning.

"I know I don't have a concussion. Shel checked me over last night and pronounced me stunned but without serious injury. Still, this headache can really leave _any time now_," she moaned theatrically. "How'd he do at work today?"

"You mean, he didn't call you?" Lindsay tried to hide her smirk.

"Yeah, he told me that you were in a sharing mood, but I didn't hear anything after that." Jess struggled to a sitting position, holding the compress in place.

"You want sharing? Talk to Sid sometime," Lindsay shuddered, still trying to block out the memory of what she'd heard and the mental image that had unfortunately accompanied the words.

"Uh, no thanks. I've heard the stories."

………

Danny and Stella were stuck pulling a double, but they had an hour between shifts to grab something to eat. They went down the street to a diner they frequented and ate in companionable silence for a little while.

"So," Stella began as she cut into her pancakes. "You and Lindsay."

Danny reached for the syrup and covered his entire plate in the sticky liquid. _Man, what I'd give to cover Lindsay in this stuff and just lick it all…_He looked up, remembering that Stella had said something. "Huh?"

"What's going on between you two?" Stella pierced him with her gaze, trying to see past his tough guy exterior and into the mind of the Danny Messer she had known for years. It didn't work nearly as well when he had his head down like that.

_Don't look up. Just don't look up. She can always tell you're lying when you look up. _"I think we're friends now," he shrugged. "Which is kind of a nice change from when she was ripping my head off every five seconds." He concentrated very hard on measuring the sugar into his coffee, as if he had to count every grain.

"Mmhmm," Stella said, not buying it. "Just friends?"

"Of course!" _Shit! I looked up! Quick, look at the food!_ "Geez, Stella, she's got a boyfriend!"

"… and if she _didn't_ have a boyfriend?" Stella prodded. She knew he'd crack, eventually.

"She'd still be Montana," he said, as if that explained everything. In a way, it did.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothin'" he blushed slightly, coughing to cover it up. "It's just… I dunno." He shrugged again, unable to put word to thought. "We're not like that."

"Uh huh," Stella gave him the kind of skeptical look that she usually reserved for the interrogation room. "If you say so…" She went back to her pancakes, pretending to be satisfied.

_Thank god. She's usually way harder to shake than that._

………

"Well, you obviously know how things are going between me and Shel. How are things with you and Chris?" Jess followed her roommate into the kitchen and sat at the table as Lindsay puttered around trying to make them something to eat. "Have you destroyed his apartment with your sex, too?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes at her friend as she looked into the refrigerator. "They're good. Actually, he's taking me to the opera next week."

"The opera? Nice!"

"Yeah, it's our anniversary. Four months." _I've been living here for months, and I've only dated one guy. That seems so … weird._

"You sound so… thrilled."

"It's not that I'm not happy or anything. Chris is fantastic, and as you already know the sex is good. He's sweet, smart, caring, handsome… but a bit lacking in the funny department. I guess I just miss bantering with someone is all." Lindsay shrugged, finally giving up on finding inspiration for cooking and picking up the phone. "Pizza, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, or sushi?" _Don't think about it. It's not a big deal. _

"Sushi. And gyoza. Like, a metric tonne of gyoza. And extra wasabi."

"You're a freak, you know that right?"

"Yup!"

"Just checking."

"How can you miss bantering when you're living with someone like _me?_"

………

Stella looked up from the microscope she was staring into and squinted at Danny as he tapelifted the victim's clothes. "It's just that, you guys flirt so much."

Danny blinked and pushed up his glasses, trying to figure out what Stella was talking about. "Who does what now?"

"You and Lindsay," she rested her head on her hand, gazing at him thoughtfully. "You flirt _all_ the _time_."

Danny made a noise of dissent that ended up sounding something like a frog gargling with acid. He cleared his throat. "We don't flirt. We just… talk. Like normal people." _Okay, maybe **I** flirt, but she doesn't flirt back. Does she?_

"Normal people who are flirting with each other."

"Yeah, right Stel. And Sid is a shy prude." _Why is she tellin' me this stuff? Why?_

"I hear denial is a nice place to visit, this time of year," Stella sang cheerfully as she returned to the scope.

Danny just shook his head again. "I think you're the one who needs the vacation, Stel. You work too hard."

………

"So, he's really not funny?" Jess asked as she wolfed down a tempura shrimp.

"It's not that he's not funny. He is. He's just…" _Not as funny as some other people I know._ "… I don't know. Our conversations seem to have a slower pace to them or something. It's hard to explain."

Jess nodded as she chewed. "Yeah, I think I can get that. You spend your whole day running around or thinking so quickly to stay ahead of the suspect that you're completely wired when you get home." She picked up her chopsticks and hunted around for a california roll.

"Yeah, maybe," Lindsay said, noncommittally. She stole one of the gyoza while Jess was searching for her prey and chewed reflectively. "I really do like him a lot, though." _He's the best boyfriend I've had in a while, that's for sure. And definitely about a million times better than the last one. Not that that's difficult._

"Then don't worry about it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it and all that jazz." Jess frowned as she looked into one of the Styrofoam containers. "Hey, did you take one of my gyoza?"

………

Danny yawned and stretched as he placed his things in his locker. Stella had kept coming back to the topic of him and Lindsay throughout their second shift. She just wouldn't let it drop. She was like a rabid pitbull with her teeth sunk deep in his leg. _Why do my friends have to be CSI's? Why can't they just be normal, uncurious people?_

"One more question," Stella said as she came around the corner.

He jumped in surprise. _Jesus Christ! The woman's got some sorta stealth mode or somethin'!_ "Give it **up** already, Stella," he groaned, banging his head against his locker in frustration.

"If you really don't like her that way, then how come you kissed her? You've never kissed **me** when I've helped you out on a case, and we've been friends forever." She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms with a self-satisfied smirk. She knew she had him there.

"This is all because I've never kissed you, Stella?" his lip curled in amusement. _She didn't just give me that kinda out, did she?_ "Well, that's easy enough to fix."

Her eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped open in surprise as he grabbed one of her arms and tugged her over to him. He leaned in and pressed his lips to her softly and she couldn't help but close her eyes. His fingers curled into her hair and he moved his mouth over hers gently and slowly. Her eyes fluttered open again as he leaned back, still cupping the back of her head in his hand.

"Satisfied?" he smirked.

"… I don't want to know." Mac turned on his heel and left the room, shaking his head and smiling slightly. He'd warned Stella not to prod him too much about Lindsay, but had she listened…?


	50. L'elisir D'amour

**Author's Note: **I know, I know. First I'm trying to teach you all Latin, and now I'm bringing the French. Don't worry, I've only studied 12 or so languages in total, so there won't be too much more of this. Oh whom am I kidding? Anyway, the title translates to "The Elixir of Love" and it's the name of a comedic opera that I thought sort of suited this story. Does this technically make this chapter a song fic? I have no idea.

Spoilers for Episode 13: Risk

**Chapter Fifty: ****L'elisir D'amour**

"Trust me. The green one," Jess stated emphatically.

Lindsay wrinkled her nose in mild disagreement. "Are you sure?" she waffled. "It doesn't really show off my figure that much." _What was I thinking, buying an empire waist? Idiot!_

"Maybe not your hips and ass, but you've got a fair amount of leg down there and your tits are practically falling out."

"Are you _sure_ I can't borrow the black satin?" Lindsay wheedled.

"That dress shall not be squandered! That's my sex dress! In that dress, I am walking sex. Sex just walking around on legs. Legs that are, themselves, sex**y**. They go all the way down to the floor! That dress is…" Jess was obviously content to rise to higher and higher levels of elocution on the wonders of her dress (and herself) and Lindsay didn't have time for that right now. She had to finish getting ready before Chris picked her up.

"Alright, I alright. I get it. I won't ask to borrow the 'sex dress' **_ever again_**." _Note to self: don't get her started. _She rolled her eyes and slipped into the recommended gown.

"Good." Jess replied, cheerfully, happy that her dissertation skills were coming in handy in real life. "Now sit down and let me do your makeup."

………

Danny dragged his sorry ass out of the lab after pulling yet another double shift. It was his third in two weeks. _It'd a damned good thing I love my job, or I might be tempted to quit. Except that'd take too much energy._ He rubbed a hand through his hair and stumbled down the steps to the subway. He knew better than to drive when he felt like this.

Leaning against a pillar as he waited, he closed his eyes. _Just for a second. I just need to…_ The screech of the train snapped his eyes open jerked his whole body with surprise. He yawned as he entered the car, going right to the front of the train. Maybe if he had something to look at on the way he'd be more likely to stay awake.

He leaned against the door of the train for a stop of two before the view got boring. Then, he turned and regarded the other people in the car with him. If there was one thing that was pretty much guaranteed to be interesting, it was a New York City subway car.

His glance passed over his fellow travelers and eventually rested briefly on a 20-something girl who was reading a book. She had long dark hair and big, bright eyes, and she smiled at him. _Well, well, well…_ He smiled back. _I might not be so tired, after all. _He licked his lips and glanced to the front again, playing the flirting game, but before he could turn back to her and continue, his eye was caught by something on the tracks ahead of them.

………

Lindsay glanced over at Chris as he sat beside her in his red velvet seat. He was looking good, tonight. Really good. Good enough that Lindsay, who usually enjoyed things like opera and the theatre, was wondering just how long this thing was going to go on because she really wanted to get him out of that suit. _Why is it that hot guys are always even hotter when they wear a suit? Even a bad suit. Even guys who aren't hot. That just seems so unfair. It took two people two hours to make me look like this and he takes ten minutes to throw on a jacket and tie and every woman in the place wants to throw him down on the floor and rape him. _She shook her head and sighed.

Chris leaned over and whispered to her, "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just…" she felt her purse vibrate. "One second." Taking out her pager, she saw the call from Mac. Meet him in the subway, there was a body on the tracks. _So much for leaving at intermission and getting the climax at home. _She sighed again, deeper this time. "Work."

Chris glanced down at her dress once more, much as he'd done all through dinner. He'd been having the same thoughts as his girlfriend (minus the bit about the unfairness of fashion) and was cursing whomever it was that had died and ruined his night. "Do you really have to go?" He saw a glowering grandmother behind them who wasn't really appreciative of their conversation in the midst of the aria.

Lindsay noticed her, too, and simply nodded. She gave him a (chaste) kiss. "I'll try to stop by later, if I can. I'll call your cell first to see if you're up." She self-consciously excused herself down the row of the theatre, mentally cursing the whole way.

_Stupid corpses can't leave me alone for one night? Goddamned sonofabitch. If whomever it is weren't already dead, I'd kill him, myself._

She comforted herself with the fact that at least she hadn't been wearing the 'sex dress.' If she had, Jess probably would have committed murder over the sacrilege of A) wearing that dress and not having sex as a result, B) wearing that dress _in the subway_, and C) wearing that dress while processing a dead body.

………

Danny apologized half-heartedly to the passengers who were forced to file off of the train he'd stopped, though he was much more sincere when speaking to the young woman who'd caught his eye before the corpse had distracted him. She had smiled and graciously accepted his words and he was just wondering if he could get away with asking for her number when a middle-aged woman with a frizzy perm and an armload of groceries pushed her way between them.

"I don't know who you think you are, young man, but I demand that you start this train up again! I have to get home before my icecream melts!"

_Oh fer chrissakes, lady…_ "I'm very sorry, ma'am, but I can't do that." He pointed out the window. "We have a situation on the tracks."

"Yeah, and I have a situation in my grocery bags!" she glared up at him, getting to within inches of his chest. She was quite short, but her anger made her seem gigantic.

"Ma'am," he raised his hands in defense, "I'm really sorry, but as a police officer, there's nothin' I can do."

"You're a cop?" she squinted suspiciously, "You don't look like a cop."

"I'm a detective."

"A detective, huh? Well detect this!" She took her ice cream out of her bag and took the top off of it, no doubt in preparation for throwing it in his face.

Danny's face turned to stone and his voice hardened with it, "Ma'am, I feel I should warn you that if you were to throw that ice cream in my face, I'd have to arrest you for assaulting a police officer."

She stopped with her arm pulled back halfway. "Really?"

"Really."

"Assaulting a police officer?"

"Yes. Assaulting a police officer."

Her arm pulled back a bit more and her face took on a look of serious consideration, "How much time would I have to do?"

Danny covered his face with his hands. _This night is never. going. to. end._

………

Lindsay struggled home at 4am. Looking down at her sadly wrinkled dress, she sighed and blew her hair out of her eyes. _Move to New York. See the sites. Take in the culture… until you get hauled away to process a body. _She shrugged off her coat and kicked off her shoes.

She'd thought about calling Chris, but had decided just to text him, instead since it was so late. She apologized once again for getting called away from their special night and promised to make it up to him somehow. _Here's hoping I can think of something. _For now, though, she just wanted a hot bath and a few hours of sleep before she had to get up and interview the driver of the other train.

………

_God, that dress. She's killin' me in that thing. _Danny flopped down on his bed, not even bothering to get undressed first. He couldn't get the image of her out of his mind, especially when he remembered her leaning over like that. She had practically fallen out. _What I wouldn't give to see that…_

Opera, though. That was way out of his league. He didn't see the appeal of listening to fat chicks screech in a foreign language for hours on end. _What's the point when you can't even understand what the hell they're sayin', anyway?_ He put his hands behind his head and stared at his ceiling. _Seein' a girl like Montana in a dress like that. That's the point, _he answered himself. He had to hand it to that guy she was dating. He had to be doing something right to get her to look like that.

_Damnit._


	51. Three, and Two of Them are Retired

**Author's Note: **Alright, I give. You all win. I can no longer take the constant hounding to get rid of Chris. Because you all want to be rid of him so very much, I'm going to give you a choice: he can leave due to a fairly normal sort of breakup, or he can leave due to a hilariously mortifying situation that is not at all believable but will probably having you pissing in your pants laughing. If I weren't already fairly firmly AU, that character exit would pretty much push me into an Alternate Dimension. I'll do it, but only if you're sure you can handle the very very twisted things that come out of my imagination (which is being helped along by similarly twisted individuals).

Oh, and I named the character after my hot and flirty coworker, but I'd like to take the opportunity to say that "my" Chris looks and acts pretty much nothing like the one in this story. There, now I've covered my ass for the 0.00000001 chance that he ever reads this.

**Chapter Fifty-One: Three, and Two of them are Retired**

"I want to change my dates in the pool," Mac stated flatly as he entered Stella's office without knocking. After watching the two of them interact at the crime scene in the subway, he was positive it wouldn't take until July for them to get together. Danny, at least, seemed to have a clue even if Lindsay were still in the dark.

"You can't change, Mac. I've already told you," she replied without looking up from her notes. Still, her curiosity was slightly piqued. "Which pool?"

"The one about Danny and Lindsay," Mac answered distractedly. He was trying to decide if the stain on his tux were from the party, the subway, or the autopsy. No matter which it was, his dry cleaner was going to love him.

"Can you be more specific?" We've got about four of them." Stella rummaged in her desk drawer for a binder clip and finally looked up at her friend and boss. Her eyes widened in appreciation. "You look nice."

"Mayor's fundraiser," he shrugged. "What does this look like to you?" he pointed to the spot on the front of his white shirt.

Stella moved around her desk and bent down for a closer look, pushing her hair behind her ears to keep it out of her eyes. "Oh Mac," she looked up at him, "Please tell me you didn't go to a post in your tux," she clucked disapprovingly.

Flack appeared in the doorway and rapped on the frame while studying his notebook. "Hey Stel, we've got a guy actually **hanging** from…" he trailed off as he took in Stella and Mac and their relative positions. "Should I come back later?" he asked, eyebrows raised. He couldn't help but wonder why everyone in the building was having sex except for him.

"Very funny, Don," Stella rolled her eyes and straightened up, brushing the wrinkles from her slacks. "Just shut up and take me to whatever it is that's hanging." She gathered her coat and purse and grabbed her kit as she headed for the door. Pausing on the threshold, she turned to ask Mac, "Which pool was it?"

"Can I change my day?"

"Nope."

"Then don't worry about it."

He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes at him, too, but she couldn't keep herself from smiling as she left.

………

Danny and Lindsay walked onto Chelsea University and immediately felt old. It was hard not to do when surrounded by a bunch of kids who weren't even old enough to drink… legally.

Danny noticed Lindsay getting appreciative looks from most of the young men in their vicinity, but she didn't even have a clue. _Man, I remember back when I was a kid and an older lady taught me the ropes. _He had to admit that she made a pretty tempting looking candidate for a teacher.

Lindsay noticed how every female in a seeming five mile radius approached them, smiling and batting their eyelashes. What with having a pulse and all, she knew that Danny was attractive, but she'd never seen his effect on women on this large a scale before. By the time they reached the dormitory, they had a small flock of young girls trailing along behind them, waiting for another glimpse. _I wonder which one of them'll be the next Cindy?_

"You certainly seem to be popular around here, Messer. Come here often?"

Danny looked behind them as if noticing his fan club for the first time. "Hey, willya lookit that?" He waved at them and offered them his best smile. "I think they like me," he stagewhispered to her.

"There's no accounting for taste, I suppose," she grinned.

"I'll have you know that the girls in my neighbourhood have voted me 'Hottest Cop on the Block' for three years in a row, now."

"And how many other cops live on your block?"

"... All's I'm sayin' is that you don't have to sound so surprised that women find me attractive. I'm an attractive guy, Montana. I can attract women." _Even if **you're **immune…_

_Of that, I have no doubt._ "You just keep telling yourself that, Messer." She patted his cheek, drawing a growl of jealousy from the crowd behind them, and led him into the building.

**Author's Note: **I suck. My author's notes are actually longer than this chapter. Basically, I'm trying to think of a way to work in what I want to happen next, but the conversations just end up going in the wrong direction or they sound completely unnatural. I'll work on it.


	52. Oh, Sid

**Author's Note: **I'm distressingly close to the bottom of the first page of CSI:NY fics. I don't want to slip onto page two! That would send me spiraling into a black hole of depression, the likes of which I'd never escape!

Or something. Have another chapter.

**Chapter Fifty-two: Oh, Sid**

Stella entered Autopsy, somewhat surprised at the lack of both body and coroner. She was just wondering if she'd have to go looking for them when the sound of gurney wheels approached behind her. She turned to see Sid bringing her victim over.

"Um, sorry for the delay," he apologized as he positioned the body. "QT and I were busy necking."

Stella blinked, not really needing to add that to her vast catalogue of mental images involving Sid, none of which she wanted but all of which were burned into her brain. "Come again?"

He looked up from regarding the corpse. "Necking. Looking at his neck," he explained as if it should be perfectly obvious. She nodded, really wanting to move away from this part of the conversation. "You don't think I'd kiss a corpse, do you?"

Internally, Stella admitted that she wasn't entirely sure which way she'd vote on that question. Out loud, she merely said, "No, no, no of course not." She crossed her arms and attempted to look convincing. She failed miserably.

"That's disgusting."

"I agree."

"As long as we've got _that_ straight."

"So, Sid… cause of death?"

He walked her through the multiple strangulations that the victim had been put through, pointing out the differences between the rope marks and those made my hands. The end result was a ruling of murder rather than suicide.

As Stella was about to leave with his findings, Sid stopped her. "You don't really believe that I'd… **do anything** … with a corpse, do you?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"Of course not, Sid!" she waved as hand as though to push away such thoughts. "A stud like you doesn't need to work the dead. You've got a lineup of living people who want to have a try at you." Stella was rather proud for the way she managed to sound sincere. She hadn't even cracked up.

Sid stood a bit taller and smiled to himself, puffing his chest out in pride. "You're quite right. I don't know why I was concerned." He nodded to her and she took that as her cue to leave. "Oh actually," he stopped her again and she turned around once more, trying to keep her impatience from showing on her face. "I've recently met a young woman whom I'd quite like to woo, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it. She's not my usual type, you see, so I don't really know how to approach her."

"Oh Sid, you'll be fine! You can talk to anyone about anything." She really meant that "_anything_," too.

"True, but I was wondering if I could prevail upon you to join me one evening and give me your opinion of her. It's always good to get a woman's perspective on these things.

Stella momentarily felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She knew that she flirted with Sid, but had he just asked her out under the guise of checking out another woman? It was pretty hard to tell with him, sometimes. She decided to play it safe and give a qualified yes. "Sure. I'll invite Lindsay to come along, too. It's always good to get a second opinion."

Sid nodded, satisfied, and this time she left the room quickly, before he could drag her back into yet another conversation she wasn't mentally prepared for.

………

"What is it with you New Yorkers and not liking anyone who isn't from the city?" Lindsay asked as she and Danny headed over to the maintenance shed where the train the vic had been attacked in was being stored for them.

"What the hell are ya talkin' about?" Danny asked, genuinely confused. _I like you just fine, Montana._

"New Yorkers and the way they look down their noses on non-New Yorkers." _It's like being in a fraternity and not liking beer or something._

"What? What makes you say that?" _Have I been anythin' but nice and friendly to her? Seriously._

"Every time I open my mouth, someone comments on the fact that I'm not from around here. You call me Montana. Half of the NYPD calls me Dorothy, who by the way was from **Kansas**. And that conductor today looked at me like I had a second head when I didn't know what a 'doot de doot' was. That's not even a word!" _Plus, there's no way I'm from New Jersey. None. _

Danny had to laugh at that. "If I were you, I'da been more insulted that he thought you were from Jersey." _My mother prolly woulda slapped him for that._

"Yes, I've lived here long enough to know that much, but I couldn't very well slap the guy when I was just asking him for information." _Much as I might have wanted to after he made that crack about me using the word in a sentence. _

_Okay, that's just spooky. How'd she know what I was thinkin'?_ "Don't worry about it, Mon… roe." _Now's prolly not the best time to be callin' her Montana._ "It ain't a big deal."

She sighed. "I know. I'm just in a bit of a bad mood right now, is all." _Damn you, Stella, you owe me big for this one._

"Yeah? How come?" _Didja have a fight with your boyfriend? Is that it? A big, huge fight with your boyfriend that ended in you breaking up and you now bein' single? Cuz if that's it, I could …_He reined in his thoughts and remembered to listen to what she was saying in the world of reality.

"… favour, so now we're going to go to some sort of cabaret show with Sid after work tomorrow night."

"A cabaret? With Sid? What, were you Ghengis Khan in a past life or somethin'?"

_Sometimes, I worry about him. _"Nope. I'm just the most wonderful friend on the planet is all. But I'll probably end up stuck alone with him because you know that Stella always gets called in." _I wonder if I could surreptitiously switch beepers with her for the evening…_

"If you're that worried about it, I could come, too," he shrugged, trying to sound casual. _It's not a date. She's got a boyfriend and Sid and Stella'll be there. You're not askin' her out, you're just bein' a good friend. Because that's what you are… friends. Stupid, crappy, piece of shit **friends**. _

Her entire face lit up. "Really?" She gave him a quick, short hug that filled his nostrils with the scent of her hair. "You are the most wonderful man on the planet, Danny Messer!" Then, a thought struck her. "I know! Let's make it a night out for the whole lab! We haven't had one of those in forever." _And that way, we can take turns giving Sid dating advice and maybe no one will end up scarred for life._

Danny's smile that had broadened across his face when she'd hugged him sickened slightly. "Yeah. Good idea. A regular night out." He sighed. _Yup. Definitely not a date._


	53. Say What?

**Chapter Fifty-three: Say What?**

Lindsay arrived home from her date with Chris and walked on autopilot into the kitchen. Jess, taking in her roommate's zombie-like movements and stunned expression brilliantly deduced that something had happened.

"I'm not entirely sure what sort of face that is," she said as she sat at the table and watched as Lindsay slowly opened a cupboard and took out a glass. "But I'm pretty sure it's not a happy one. I know a happy face when I see one, and that," she pointed as Lindsay turned to get the bottle of vodka off the counter behind Jess' back, "That is not a happy face."

Lindsay sat down numbly on the chair and poured a few inches of vodka into the glass. She stared off into space for a moment before raising her hand and leaning her head back, pouring all of the searing liquid down her throat in one go before dropping her hand back to the table with a thunk of glass on wood. She reached for the bottle and repeated the performance.

"Um. Lindsay?" Jess prompted concernedly. "Could you stop drinking like that? It's sort of… scary." She reached out to remove the bottle from Lindsay's left hand but the other woman's grip was like iron and couldn't be budged.

"Chris asked me to move in with him," Lindsay whispered, unblinkingly, then tossed back her third large drink in ten minutes.

"Say what?" Jess asked blankly.

Lindsay nodded and poured another glass.

"He wants you to move in with him?"

Lindsay nodded and was about to down her fourth when Jess' hand rested solidly on her arm to stop her.

"You can't move in with him. You're the most normal roommate I've ever had. If you move in with him, I'll end up living with some psycho, goat-sacrificing, goth-punk-emo feminazi with bright pink hair, a million tattoos, and piercings on every inch of her skin who refuses to eat meat and thinks that ice cream somehow oppresses cows!" Jess took a breath. That was a lot of conflicting imagery to get into one sentence and she was wondering if she'd pulled a muscle with all of that. "And she'll be the best I could find!"

Lindsay didn't even crack a smile. This called for drastic measures.

She wrestled the vodka away from Lindsay and replaced it with some ice cream before heading out to the store. This was going to require a lot of work. First stop, Monty Python.

………

"_It's just a flesh wound!"_ cried the Black Knight on the screen.

Jess had managed to move Lindsay and her ice cream to the couch where she'd set up a smorgasbord of comfort foods on the coffee table. She had them arranged by food group: salts (chips and popcorn), sweets (cookies, cookie dough, and ice cream), greases (pizza, fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy), and chocolates. Her friend still resembled a mannequin, but at least she was no longer at risk for alcohol poisoning.

"_A flesh wound? Your arm's off!"_ King Arthur shouted, aghast.

"Soooo… did you say yes?" Jess asked, thinking it might be safe to ask.

Lindsay turned and stared at her, swallowing a giant spoonful of Chunky Monkey that had been covered in m&ms. She chewed viciously for a moment before answering. "I said I'd have to think about it." _Because I'm a weak, weak woman who just can't say no._

"Meaning?"

"Meaning he's really nice but holy fuck where the hell did that come from?" _We've only been dating for five months!_

"What do you mean, where did that come from? Has he told you he loved you?"

"Well… yes." _The fact that I hyperventilated right afterwards really made the moment special._

"Has he spent the night here? and have you spent the night there?"

"… yes."

"Has he spent large amounts of money trying to make you happy… like, oh I don't know, taking you to your favourite _opera_?"

_I really hate it when she has a point. _"… okay, okay. So maybe I should have seen this coming, but my god!"

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, I've got some time to figure things out. He's on shift tomorrow night and I…" her eyes widened as she remembered her promise to Stella.

"And you…?" Jess made the international gesture for 'keep talking, I have no earthly idea what you're getting at' and waited.

Lindsay dropped her spoon back into the ice cream tub with a plop. "I have to go to the Kingsway Cabaret with people from work." She covered her face with her hands. _Because what I really need right now is to hang out with a horny Sid for a night of drinking and debauchery. Yeah. That'll help._

"The Kingsway Cabaret?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I had no idea that the NYPD liked drag queens."

**Author's Note: **The votes are in on how to get rid of Chris, but I'm not telling whether it'll be funny or realistic. You'll just have to tune in next time. Same bat-time! Same bat-channel!


	54. Kiss, Kiss, Wang, Wang

**Chapter Fifty-Four: Kiss, Kiss, Wang, Wang**

They showed up at the Kingsway Cabaret directly after work. The show wouldn't start 'til 10pm, but they would have dinner and drinks first, while mentally preparing themselves for whomever it might be that Sid had his eye on.

Danny slapped Adam on the back and brought the younger man over to the bar. He was buying him a drink in reward for his work on that shark's tooth. He'd cracked the case with that one. What better way to say thank you than to get him totally fucking plastered, right?

Back at the table, Stella leaned across Flack to talk to Lindsay.

"I just had to tell you that I'm amazed at your powers of resistance."

Lindsay frowned in confusion, "Pardon me?" _I'm resisting something?_

"Danny!" Stella hissed, nodding in his general direction.

Lindsay shook her head, still not following. "What about Danny?" _I'm resisting Danny now?_

"How are you able to work with him after he kissed you?" Stella explained, "I mean, he's basically like a little brother to me, but when he kissed me like that, I…" she let out a breath. "Let's just say that I had thoughts no sister should be having."

Lindsay opened her mouth to reply, but Flack interrupted her. "Wait a fuckin' minute, here!" he said, slapping the table. "Messer's kissed you, too?" He shook his head in disgust.

Danny and Adam chose that moment to return. "Who'm I kissin' now?" Danny asked, smiling.

"Me," Stella raised her hand.

"Me too," Lindsay did likewise.

"And I wanna know what's up with that!" Flack added. "How come you kiss all the girls, huh? It ain't fair!"

"Well, if you're that jealous, Don…" Danny leaned down and cupped the back of Flack's head, tilting it up just a bit so that he could place his lips squarely down on those of his friend. The entire table erupted in cheers and catcalls that soon spread around the restaurant as Danny held Don in place and refused to let him move until he was done. "There. Feel better now?" he asked, finally coming up for air.

Don wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and glared at Danny. "That's not what I meant, and you damn well know it, you bastard!"

Adam looked from Danny to Flack and back again. "Um. I know you bought me this drink and all, but I'm not that kind of guy. I mean, it's fine that you are and all, and I don't have a problem with that or anything, but I just, I don't really think that, I mean you're really nice and everything…"

Danny put a hand on Adam's shoulder, watching as the younger man cringed slightly with an expression of terror on his face. "But Adam, we could be so much together!" He leaned down, lips ridiculously pursed and eyes squinted shut. Adam let out a squeak of alarm and froze.

"Danny! It's not nice to torment the techs!" Stella admonished, swatting his arm.

"Alright, alright. Sorry Adam. I'll try to keep my lustful tongue to myself." Danny laughed and sat down next to Lindsay.

"You couldn'ta come to that conclusion like five minutes ago?" Flack asked, bitterly. He was still wiping his mouth with his hand and grumbling under his breath.

"Aww. Poor Flack. Did Danny leave a bad taste in your mouth?" Lindsay asked with joking concern. "I understand. He did the same thing to me." She patted his arm in sympathy.

"Hey!" _I barely even kissed you! How could I leave a bad taste in your mouth!_

"You really should chew some gum or something before you kiss someone, Danny. It's only common courtesy." _Much like warning them that a kiss is imminent._

"What are you talkin' about, Montana?" He lifted a hand and cupped his mouth, trying to smell his breath. "My breath's just fine!"

"Is it, Flack?"

Flack's face was covered with a beatific smile. "I've smelled better corpses."

Sid, Mac, and Hawkes joined them with drinks for the rest of the table. "Corpses smell better than what, now?" Hawkes asked. He was tempted to point out that just about the only thing that corpses smelled better than was an open cesspool… and even then, it was a pretty close thing.

"Danny's breath," Lindsay supplied, reaching for her drink.

"Hey!"

Mac looked stern. "Danny, have you been kissing your coworkers, again?"

Danny looked appropriately meek, "Yes, sir."

"Did you have permission, this time?"

"No, sir."

"Do you remember our little talk?"

"Yes, sir." _Shit, shit, shit._

"Alright, then."

Everyone at the table had been watching the exchange like a tennis match and now they were all curious as to what the hell had been decided. No one dared to ask, though.

………

It was after dinner and several more drinks. The show hadn't started yet, but it wouldn't be long. Sid was bouncing nervously in his seat. Marty, Hawkes, and Adam were playing sugar packet football. Mac and Danny were discussing something in urgently hushed tones.

"Seriously, though" Stella said. "That was a pretty nice looking kiss, there, Flack."

The detective tried desperately not to blush. "I don't see why he's such a lady killer. I've had better kisses from my grandmother."

"Well, all I know is that it was better than mine," Lindsay said. _I get a microsecond of contact that bruises my lip because it's so hard, and Flack gets prolonged contact and some sort of pleasure out of it. What a gyp!_

"Mmmm not as good as mine, though," Stella said, wistfully. She'd never think of Danny like that in a serious way, but it certainly had been a good kiss.

"What was yours like?" Lindsay asked, chin resting on her hand. _Is it wrong of me to live vicariously through other people's kisses when I might be moving in with my boyfriend? Let's not think about that._

"It was sort of soft and slow, and there was just a little bit of mouth opening and he had his hands in my hair and… mmm. Good kiss."

"That's good?" Flack asked, surprised. "Doesn't really seem that special to me."

"Was it more like a first date kiss? Or an 'I've kissed you a million times, but I just have to do it again' kiss?" Lindsay asked, unable to resist.

"It was…" Stella paused, trying to think. "Ok, it was more like…" She stopped again, looking for words. "Oh hell, it was like this," she moved around the table and positioned Lindsay in front of her the way she'd been standing when Danny had suddenly decided that kissing her would get her off his back.

Flack stared, open-mouthed as he watched his two female colleagues make out, right in front of him. Adam let out a whoop of joy as he scored a touchdown, then turned to look at what Marty and Sheldon were staring at. Danny hit Mac on the gut to turn him around and the two men stared in fascination as the women broke apart.

"Ohhh," Lindsay said. "Yeah, that _is_ better than Flack's." They ladies returned to their seats as if nothing had happened, and the men all shifted around trying to find more comfortable positions.

"Please tell me that someone got a picture of that," Danny begged.

**Author's Note: **nothing quite like a little surprise slash, right? Well, the night is still young, and it's only going to get better. Theoretically :D


	55. On With the Show!

**Author's Note: **Remember. I warned you things would get even weirder than usual around here.

**Chapter Fifty-Five: On with the Show!**

An excited hush fell over the room as the house lights dimmed and the stage lights went up. Sid was beside himself with giddiness and the rest of the team were steeling themselves in anticipation of what his dream girl might be like.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," came a booming voice over a loudspeaker somewhere. "Tonight, the Kingsway Cabaret has a special treat for you all."

_More special than Danny kissing Flack?_ Lindsay thought, wryly.

_More special than Stella kissing Lindsay?_ thought the entire male population of their table.

"We are proud to present, tonight and tonight only… until the next time… just in from the planet Transsexual … of the galaxy of Transylvania…. Doctor … Frank … N… Furter! Give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen!"

The room erupted in applause and cheers as a tall, well-muscled man dressed head to toe in black lingerie strutted onto the stage in 4" stilettos. Lindsay and Stella exchanged a look. _I'm already impressed, and all he's done is walk around in shoes that would break my neck._ Danny and Flack tilted their heads to the side, trying to take in the whole picture. Adam stared at his drink. Hawkes and Marty were commenting on what those shoes would do to the man's calf and back muscles. Mac sat calmly, looking interested and sipping his drink.

"Oh wow, this is going to be better than I'd hoped!" Sid bounced.

Frankie paced the stage, throwing lascivious looks at the patrons as he introduced the show. "Alright, sluts! Are you ready to give yourselves over to" he rolled his hips obscenely, "absolute pleasure?"

There was a resounding "YES!" from the crowd.

"Are you ready to see a few wild," thrust, "and un-tamed," thrust, thrust, "sweeeeeet transvestites?" circle, circle, circle, thrust.

"YES!"

"Well, hang onto your boxers, baby, cuz these queen's are gonna make you a man!" he flourished towards the centre of the stage and a stunning black woman in a sequin-covered red dress stepped out. She was followed by two more beauties in matching gold-lame mini-dresses. They broke into a song and dance medley of: Stop! in the Name of Love, Can I Get a Witness, Someday We'll Be Together, and Love Child. It didn't take long for people to get up and start dancing, themselves.

Looking around at all of the dancers, Mac shrugged and pulled Stella up from her seat. "When in Rome, right?"

"Where by "Rome" you mean 'a drag queen cabaret bar?'" she laughed.

"Shut up and dance with me," he grinned and whirled her off into the crowd.

Lindsay looked expectantly at the men around her, but they were all staring at the stage in horror or fascination. _Men._ She grabbed Adam who was sitting next to her and dragged him off to dance.

"Hey! What are you…"

"Adam, just dance, ok?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Once the Supremes left the stage, they were treated to Liza Minelli, Mariah Carey, and a particularly good Marilyn Monroe.

"She's next!" Sid whispered hoarsely. He looked like he was about to piss his pants, he was so excited. Everyone sort of looked at him, wondering if he'd noticed yet that every single performer had been a man.

Marty was over in a corner talking to someone he was pretty sure was a woman when he noticed Marilyn wander over to their table. He excused himself, morbidly curious as to what might be happening.

"Hello boys," she said breathily in that unmistakable Marilyn sex-kitten voice. She was wearing that famous white dress from The Seven Year Itch and the way she was leaning over left them with very few safe places to look.

Danny decided that since everyone else was either trying not to laugh or trying to disappear into the floor, he'd have to be the group spokesperson. "Well, hello Miss Monroe," he said with a giant smile. _Why do I feel like I've said that before?_

Lindsay shook her head and chuckled. _Great. I get the worst kiss of the lot, **and** I get the drag queen pickup line. With friends like this, who needs enemas?_

"I couldn't help but notice you earlier," she said to Danny and Flack.

The two men exchanged a glance. _Is she talking about what I think she's talking about?_ "Oh yeah?"

"Mmhmm. Are you two… exclusive?" she batted her eyelashes at Don who promptly blushed scarlet.

"Yes!" he practically shouted.

"Not reall…" Danny started, but Don's glare stopped him mid-word. _What? You've been complainin' about not havin' a date, lately._ "Yeah, we are." He awkwardly put an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Two years, now. We're happy as pigs in mud." _You so owe me for this one, Flack._

Marilyn pouted, then brightened as she turned to Mac. "Well, what about you, honey? Are you here with anyone?" she practically purred.

Mac didn't miss a beat. "I'm with him," he said, straight-faced, pointing at Stella.

Sid pulled Marilyn aside and spoke with her for a moment. She nodded and wandered off.

"What was that all about?" Stella asked after kicking Mac in the shins.

"I asked if she could get Judy to come to our table after her number," he said nervously. "I'm as nervous as I was the first time I cut into a cadaver."

Lindsay leaned over and patted his hand, "Just a little female advice, but you might not want to compare her to a corpse when you talk to her." _Call me crazy, but I just don't think it'd go over too well._

Frankie came back out on stage, strutting his stuff in his black vest corset and matching black panties. He knew he was hot stuff, and Lindsay had to admit that he was rather fetching in that outfit, and vaguely familiar. The black wig and pancake makeup were throwing her off, though, so she couldn't tell whom he reminded her of. _I wonder if I've seen him act on Broadway or something… there's something about that nose… and those shoulders…_

"And now for the one you've all been waiting for. I can see you shiver with antici…" he licked his lips and trailed a hand down his chest and over his crotch before thrusting once more, "… pation." There were raucous catcalls following that maneuver and he turned his back to the audience to give himself a smack on the ass. "Ooh, you do make me feel naughty, you bad boys," he flirted. "But the real star of the show can be kept waiting no longer… even if I do want to touch-a touch-a touch you all…" he said, licking his fingers suggestively. "Here, for your visual… and aural," he waggled his brows," pleasure is … Miss… Judy… Garland!" The lights went out, leaving just a single stage lamp to illuminate.

They heard her voice, first. It was a perfect crystal, rising in song and flowing throughout the whole room. Their breaths caught in their throats at the sound, and they stared at Sid in disbelief. His whole face was lit with adoration as the lights gradually came up and they saw a perfect double of Judy Garland in "A Star is Born." The entire audience remained hushed in awe throughout her entire performance. As the last few notes died away, she received a standing ovation. She took her bows and accepted some roses from Frankie before exiting the stage and leaving the comedian to do his thing.

"Oh dear," Sid said, looking worried, "What am I going to say to her? I'm just some guy in a bar wanting to take her out. She must get that all the time. This was a terrible idea. I really must go."

"Sid, you can't go," Stella reasoned with him, gently, "She's going to come over here looking for you. Do you really want to stand her up?"

"Dear me, no! That would be horribly uncouth of me to do." His jaw set firmly, he nodded in determination. "I can do this."

"Remember, don't compare her to a corpse."

"Tell her how wonderfully she sang… it was amazing."

"Don't stare at her tits." Danny looked around at everyone staring at him. "What? It's good advice!" _Chicks really hate that._

"Just be yourself, Sid. She's going to love you."

Judy approached with Marilyn who performed the introduction to Sid. The potential couple wandered off to talk and Marilyn sidled up to Adam. "Soo…"

"Oh dear god, no!" Adam grabbed Marty and hid behind his bulk.

Marty glanced over his shoulder at the cowering tech and cleared his throat in embarrassment. "Don't mind him. He's just… Adam."

**Author's Note:** I'm ending this here because it's getting a bit long, but I'll try to have the next chapter up fairly quickly.


	56. Round and Round

**Chapter Fifty-Six: Round and Round**

Jess looked up from her text books as Lindsay tripped her way into their apartment. "How was it? What happened? What was she like? Tell me everything!" she cried, desperate for information. "Studying for exams is bad enough without having to miss out on something like this!"

Lindsay laughed, "We'll do it again sometime, and you can come with us."

"Promise?" she begged,

"Cross my heart," she made an X over her chest.

………

"So let me get this straight," Jess said, twenty minutes and half a box of Decadent Chocolate Chip cookies later. "Danny kissed Don?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to kill my prof over this exam!" she beat her heels on the floor and screamed in frustration.

"Are you alright over there, Jess?"

"Am I alright?" she asked, incredulously. "Two of the hottest men on the face of the planet KISSED each other, and I missed it!" She buried her face in her hands. "I'm seriously going to cry."

"It really wasn't that hot," Lindsay comforted her. _Excet that, yeah, it really kinda was in a weird way._

"Really?" Jess sniffled.

"I promise."

"Well…" she got herself together a bit. "So, what was it like kissing Stella?"

"If that's the way Danny kissed **her**, then I think I'm definitely mad at him." _A little tongue would have killed him, with me?_

Jess laughed. "Did any of the 'ladies' at the show try to pick up my studmuffin? Or was he too much for them?"

"Ask him about the Supremes. Last I saw, he had all three of them hanging off his neck." _He's so cute when he's all embarrassed like that. Thank god for camera phones._ She showed Jess a picture or two of Hawkes getting kissed on the cheek by Diana Ross.

"Pictures! You got pictures! I love you so much!" Jess gave her a big hug.

"You'll love me even more when you see this one," she pounded out a rather poor drum solo on the coffee table then presented her with the shot of the night: Danny leaning down over Flack and looking right into his eyes with his lips about a millimeter away from his friend's.

"Oh. My. God. **Yes!**" She actually did a little dance of glee.

_I think the bulletin board at work could use a little decoration…_

………

Danny hummed to himself as he brushed his teeth before bed. He was rather proud of the way that he'd managed to totally embarrass Flack. Surprisingly, the guy was a decent kisser, even if he **had** frozen up about a half a second in. Danny pursed his lips thoughtfully, wondering if he knew anyone he could set up with the detective. The guy'd been single for too long. He was starting to take over Danny's reputation.

He was just humming along to one of those Marilyn Monroe songs he'd heard that night when he remembered his conversation with Mac.

"I told you, Danny. Any more of those kinds of actions and I'd have to send you off on a sexual harassment seminar. No one's taken offense, yet, but as your supervisor, I have to head these things off before they get serious."

"But Mac…"

"No buts, Danny. I warned you after the second time it happened. Three strikes and you're out. I'll find out the details for you on Monday."

_Great. First anger management, now this. _He sighed and spit his toothpaste into the sink.

………

Lindsay hummed to herself as she brushed her teeth before bed. She was rather proud of herself for actually remembering about the camera in her phone for once. She usually forgot it existed. She still owed Flack from back when he'd announced to the entire office that she'd had sex the night before, and this little picture would do nicely as revenge. The fact that she got to embarrass Danny into the bargain was just a sweet little bonus.

She was replaying the events of the night in her head and humming "I Wanna Be Loved By You" when she suddenly choked on her toothbrush. She coughed madly as she took it out of her mouth and then spit toothpaste all over the medicine cabinet mirror. She'd just realized who it was that "Frankie" reminded her of.

_**There's no way in hell that was Chris!**_

… _is there?_

**Author's Note:** the title of this chapter comes from a song in a strange little cartoon from my childhood. Does anyone else remember the Toothbrush Family, or am I just a big freak? Yeah, that's what I thought.


	57. We Need to Talk

**Chapter Fifty-Seven: We Need to Talk**

Lindsay paced in front of her bathroom mirror. She'd had an extremely bizarre erotic dream involving Danny, Flack, Frank N Furter/Chris and Marilyn Monroe. She was trying to put it out of her mind, but really… there are some images that imprint themselves too deeply upon the human psyche, and these would be some of those images. For the first time in a long time, though, none of them involved Sid. Thank God.

She faced the mirror sternly, "We need to talk." _No no no. Too confrontational. You don't know for sure that it was him._

"Sweetie, could I maybe talk to you for a second?" _Sweetie? What the hell is that? You think that your boyfriend might have a secret life of drag queens and transvestism, and you're opening the conversation with "Sweetie?" C'mon, girl!_

"Chris, I have something important I need to ask you." _That's good. That's in control without being overwhelming and it's fairly neutral because this might all be in your head. Ok, go with that. _

"Chris, I have something important I need to ask you. I need to know if…" _Shit. What comes next? _

"Where were you last night between the hours of 10pm and 2am?" _Great. Now I sound like I'm grilling him for murder or something. _

"So, what did you do last night?" _Stupid. That's hardly an important question. Besides he **told** me he had shift last night. It couldn't have been him. This is all just some big huge thing inside my head because him asking me to move in with him caused some sort of brain crash resulting in my inability to cope with reality. It's all just one big hallucination. _

Nodding to herself, she took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, glad that Jess was writing her exam and not around to see her behaving like this.

_There's just no way that it was him. _She flipped through all of the channels on the TV before turning it off in disgust.

_None. _She opened the refrigerator door and poked around, but found nothing to eat.

_It's completely and totally impossible. _She tossed her laundry back in the basket, not at all in the mood to fold her sweaters.

_Fuck._

Lindsay paced back and forth in front of her bathroom mirror, holding her face in her hands and trying to remember to breathe.

"Chris, I think we need to talk."


	58. Hit the Road, Jack

**Author's Note: **I know, I know. I suck. That chapter was… tiny. Important (to me), but tiny. I really was planning on writing the next one last night, but after getting only 2 hours of sleep on Sunday night and working for 11 hours on Monday, I ended up crashing instead. I was going to wake up early this morning to write like a bazillion chapters to make up for it, but … yeah. Didn't happen. Instead, you get just this one, so I'll try to make it good. :D If you're still all mad at me after this, then I'll write up that erotic dream and stick it in the Naughty Bits :P

**Chapter Fifty-Eight: Hit the Road, Jack**

Chris and Lindsay sat across from each other in a fairly nice restaurant. She'd hoped to be able to have this conversation somewhere, you know, private? But he'd insisted that this sort of conversation deserved a bit of fanfare. Of course, he was thinking they were going to talk about her moving in with him.

Poor boy.

"So," he said anxiously after the waitress took their menus. "Have you thought about what I asked you?"

Lindsay wiggled uncomfortably in her seat. "Yeeeesss…" she bit her lip uncertainly. _Are you a drag queen? No. Do you own a pair of stiletto heels? No. Can I borrow that corset? Gah! **Really**, no!_

"And your thoughts have led you where, exactly?" he prompted, wondering if he was going to have to drag every word out of her.

"The Kingsway Cabaret!" she blurted out, then covered her face in her hands. _Yeah, that was subtle. Way to go, Linds!_ She spread her fingers and peaked out at him between them.

Chris swallowed hard. "I asked you to move in with me, and you went to a drag queen bar?"

"Well, you know, I could ask you a similar question," she replied a bit pertly.

He shifted in his seat. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know, **Frank**, what **do** I mean?"

"…oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"I can explain that."

"So, explain."

"… Um… Aren't you going to tell me whether or not you want to move in?" he desperately tried to change the topic.

"Let's just put a pin in that, for now, shall we?" _I've found you that you're a cross-dressing stage act, let's see if there's anything **else** I need to know, first._

"Alright, well… you see… the thing is…" he gestured vaguely, searching around for the best way to say this. He had a feeling she probably wouldn't be moving in with him at this point. Smart boy, that.

"The thing is **what**, exactly?" she accepted her fettucini alfredo and stabbed her fork into it with particular vehemence.

Chris twirled his fork in his lasagna, making a mess of his dinner. "Well, you know how you thought I was a fireman?" he asked weakly.

Lindsay blinked. "Excuse me?" _I **thought** he was a fireman? _

Chris looked around guiltily, realizing that Lindsay'd probably had a point when she'd said they should do this in private. He cleared his throat. "Actually, I'm kind of an… actor."

"You're an actor." _Okay, so he's an actor. And he's spent the last five months **acting** like he's a fireman. _She stabbed her meal again. _I sure as hell hope he's in the Witness Protection Program or something, or I'll really just have to kill him._

"Yeah." He took a large gulp of wine. "I was just hanging out with some friends of mine when we met in that bar, but I heard you and your friend talking about wanting to meet firemen, and you were really cute, so …" he spread his hands helplessly.

"So you thought it would be a fantastic idea to **lie** to me about something as fundamental as what you do for a living?" _The lying I might get over. Hell, I can get over the cross-dressing thing, given a little time to adjust. But the **stupidity** thing? Talk about a deal-breaker._

"… when you put it like that, it sounds kinda…"

"Stupid? _Moronic_? **Abysmally obtuse**?"

"…yeah, that."

"Didn't you think I might, I don't know, _notice_ when we moved in together?" _It took me five months and a bunch of drag queens to realize it when we weren't, so I guess he probably could have gotten away with it for longer. God, I'm an idiot, too._

"… I thought I could explain it, somehow."

"Yes, because this is going so well."

"So, you don't want to move in with me?"

"That's still got a pin in it, for the moment."

"I just really kinda need to know, is all."

"…why?"

He blushed, "Because my landlord is going to kick me out if I don't get a roommate with a 'real job.'" He managed to look sheepish.

"**That's** what this is all about?" her voice got louder and people at the nearest tables looked over. "You want me to move in with you because of your **landlord**?" _Stupid, fucking idiotic bastard piece of shit!_ Lindsay stood up, leaning down over him to make her point perfectly clear. "I won't move in with you. I won't even date you, anymore. You have finally, actually beaten out my last boyfriend for the title of worst breakup **ever**. And I never thought that was going to happen." Lifting her mostly-full plate of pasta, she dumped it over his head. "Have a nice life. And good luck finding a roommate."

She left to a smattering of applause from the people who had overheard.

_I am never. Dating. Again._

**Author's Note:** there, was that break up enough for you guys? I really don't think I could write much more than that without completely giving up on reality as we know it :D


	59. Food Fight!

**Chapter Fifty-Nine: Food Fight!**

"Does it say somethin' bad about me that I'm way more comfortable in a bar where the women are definitely women than I was in that cabaret place we were at?" Flack asked as he tossed a few sunflower seeds into his mouth.

"I think it just says that you like your dates to be innies rather than outies," Stella observed as she reached for the pitcher to refill her mug. "Personally, I'd rather just see a guy look good in a suit than see one look better than me in a dress."

"I definitely agree with you there," Danny said with conviction. _Wait, did I just say I look good in a dress?_ "Uhh… Y'know what I mean." He took a big gulp of his beer to cover his momentary confusion. "So, you guys think Sid's figured out yet that Judy is really James or whatever?" He chuckled and shook his head. _Man, that guy…_

Flack joined in his laughter, "Man, that'd be a helluva thing to find out by surprise, don'tcha think?"

"What makes you think he didn't already know?" Stella asked calmly, grabbing a few sunflower seeds and munching on them while she regarded the men. Their expressions changed from amusement to something rather akin to indigestion.

"Geez, Stella! We're tryin' to drink, here!" Danny said accusingly, throwing a sugar packet at her. She ducked and it sailed over her head and landed on the table behind them. The three friends watched it fly, then immediately turned around and tried to act casual as the two women at the table turned to regard them suspiciously. They returned to their own conversation after a moment, however, since there wasn't enough evidence to accuse the trio of anything.

"All's I know is, I'm not gonna go to a post for a few days. That's one story I really don't' need to hear." _And he always has to **share**. _Danny shuddered.

"Great, so you'll stick me or Hawkes or Lindsay with that honour? How kind of you." Stella threw a packet of sugar at Danny, hitting him right between the eyes.

Don laughed uproariously at the expression on Danny's face and reached for his camera phone. Before he could even get it out of his pocket, a handful of sugar packets rained down on his head. Armed with nothing but the bowl of sunflower seeds in front of him or the beer he wasn't going to waste, Flack opted for the snackfood. He grabbed a handful of the seeds and was just in the process of throwing them when the blonde at the next table turned around again. He immediately looked like a guilty little boy and lowered his hand behind his back, trying to hide the evidence of his immaturity. She raised an eyebrow at him and returned to her drink.

Flack glared at Danny, "Damnit, Danny… that chick's hot and now she thinks I'm a freak!" He reached for his beer and sipped it morosely.

"Hey, better she find out now…" Danny smirked. He was expecting Flack to throw something at him and so he wasn't at all prepared for Stella's thwacking him up the side of the head.

"Be nice," she scolded. "Don, why don't you offer to buy them a drink to make up for our behaviour?"

"Good idea," Don smiled at Stella and glared at Danny before moving over to the next table. The women were a bit cold at first, but his charming smile and brilliant blue eyes soon won them over.

"Soo.." Danny began. _Just ask her, already. She knows everything anyway._ "You uh, you kinda kissed Lindsay there, Stella." _Smooth. Real smooth._

Stella took a sip and looked at him expectantly. "So did you," she pointed out reasonably.

"Well yeah. Kinda." _Nowhere near as good as you did, though. Damnit. _

"I was just showing her the way that you kissed me that time."

"You … were?"

"She was curious."

"Yeah?" he asked brightly. _Huh. Montana's wondering about how I kiss, eh?_

"Yeah, she was wondering if she should be pissed at you over her kiss. I'm pretty sure she is."

_Well, fuck._ "How pissed are we talkin' here?"

"I don't know about Lindsay, but **I'd** be pretty damned pissed about the fact that you kissed **him,**" she jerked a thumb back at Flack, "better than you kissed **her**."

Danny blinked and realized she was right. "Shit."

"Yes. Shit. That's really not the way to win a girl over, you know."

"… what makes you think I wanna win her over?"

Stella just gave him that look she had, full of pity and love and wonder at his stupidity. When she gave him that look he knew that he was pretty much an open book.

"Right."

She patted his hand gently. "Don't worry. She'll get over it. … Eventually."


	60. From Frankenfurters to Frederick's

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry about not updating for a few days, but my computer sort of died. In fact, I'm _so_ sorry about not updating, that I've typed this whole thing one-handed while holding my adapter plug in position with the other. I love you all that much. Or something ;) I was going to make this another episode-based chapter, but I'm just going to go with harmless fluff, instead. Watching an episode and typing at the same time would take more coordination that I'm currently capable of.

This little bit of fluff was inspired by a conversation with sarramaks. Blame _her_ if you hate it and praise _me_ if you love it. :D

**Chapter Sixty: From Frankenfurters to Frederick's**

_I'm a sexy woman. I am pretty and I am sexy and men who **don't** wear lingerie are attracted to me. _Lindsay bit her lip as she surfed the internet before her shift. Finding out that Chris wore sexier underwear than she did was throwing her for a bit of a loop, but _no one_ was ever going to find that out. Ever.

She'd arrived home from her date and revealed to Jess only that Chris was an incredibly insensitive jerk and that they'd broken things off over the living together issue. Jess was a kind enough soul not to pry into something as bad as a new breakup, so it was left at that. If Lindsay had any say in the matter, only she and Chris would ever know the full extent of the breakup.

Danny waltzed into their shared office, early as usual, and was surprised to see Lindsay there. She usually came to work maybe ten minutes before her shift, not an hour. He glanced curiously at her, but her posture seemed to indicate a lack of willingness to talk… and a complete willingness to physically maim anyone who attempted conversation. She glared up at him, as if daring him to say something, but for once he managed to keep his mouth shut and just nodded a greeting, then sat down at his own computer. _I wonder what's got her so pissed off. Must be that time of the month or somethin'._

Lindsay fiercely clicked a black, over-bust, lace-up corset and then cursed under her breath. It was the same one that Chris had worn at the Kingsway Cabaret. She went back to the listings of lingerie to see what else caught her eye. _Nothing black. No corsets. No fishnet stockings. What else have they got?_ She found what looked almost like a bikini, except there were large butterflies in place of the usual material. She pursed her lips and tilted her head. _Definitely not my usual style…_

Danny came around to use the printer and glanced casually over to see what it was that Lindsay had come in early to work on. _Holy fuckin' shit!_ He choked on his tongue at the image on the screen. _**Montana!** In **that!** _He was immediately assaulted by a barrage of images that left his mouth dry, his palms sweaty, and his trousers tented. He also lost all ability to think.

_Nah. I don't think I could pull that off. _She went back to the listings. _Hmm… babydolls… that's more my thing._ She clicked on a white and pink sheer number that seemed to simultaneously lift the bust and expose the mid-section.

Danny whimpered and bit his lip so hard his eyes watered. _I could just pull the cups right down… _He licked his lips and felt the bulge in his trousers grow even firmer. Lindsay clicked on the image of the matching panties, and he stifled a groan. _Fuuuuck. They just tie right on there. I could just pull a little and they'd come right off and… _He swallowed hard, licking his lips and running a hand through his hair.

_Add that to the cart, I think. _She clicked back to the listings and found a teddy she liked in a gorgeous burgundy colour. _Ooh. That's more like it. _

_A thong! Oh God fuckin' **damn! **Hell **yes!**_ His eyes were practically falling out of his head at the thought of Lindsay's ass barely covered by a strip of fabric and the lace material doing next to nothing to cover her frame. He actually did a little dance of joy as she added that to the cart, too.

Lindsay caught some movement out of the corner of her eye and turned, just in time to see Danny take his papers from the printer. He held them at waist height to regard them, looking deep in thought. He glanced up and grinned when he saw what she was doing before she could close the browser window.

"Buying something for Chris?" he asked, casually.

"**What?**" she shrieked, surprised. _How does he know? Oh God, I'm never going to hear the end of this. To my dying day, I'll be the girl who dated the drag queen. Just kill me now._

"Well, usually when a woman buys stuff like that, it's meant to impress a guy. Am I right?" _She's actin' kinda weird. Maybe she's freaked that I saw what kinda lingerie she likes? Shit, she can't see my boner, can she?_ Danny surreptitiously glanced down to ensure that the paper was hiding the log in his pants. _Phew. That woulda been awkward._

"Ohhh. I mean, oh." _Thank God, for that._ "Um, no. We broke up." _Might as well just get this over with._

"You did?" Danny asked, gleefully. He cleared his throat, "I mean… you did?" he asked again, with a more somber tone of voice. _This is **so** my fuckin' day! I need to buy a lottery ticket._

"We did." _Don't ask, don't tell. _

"That's uh… a real, um, shame." _Ceeeeeel-e-brate good times, c'mon!_

"It wasn't working out."

"Sooo… then, who…?" he gestured vaguely at the computer screen.

"Some women buy shoes. I buy lingerie," Lindsay shrugged, blushing self-consciously. Actually, she didn't buy lingerie, but Jess did and had suggested it as an excellent form of retail therapy that would not only boost her self-image but really impress the pants off her next boyfriend. Literally. It was hard to argue with that kind of logic. _Plus, if he ever wants to borrow any of it, I'll be tipped off._

_She does this a lot? She just… buys lingerie? The way some women buy shoes?_ "Well, then." _God, I wonder if she's wearing some of it right now._ "Carry on." He swallowed reflexively, letting a small squeak escape which he covered with a cough. "I'll just…" he waved back at his desk and moved in that direction, bumping into her visitor's chair.

"Sure thing," Lindsay nodded, keeping her head down to hide her pink cheeks. _Aaaand now the rumours about my lingerie collection will start. _She sighed and reopened her browser. She still had a half an hour before shift started. _Oh well, it's better than rumours about **Chris'** lingerie collection._

Danny sat down heavily and stared over at his partner. _Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. _He put his head in his hands and tried to remember the batting averages of the entire Yankee lineup. _Stupid penis._ He had to be able to walk around like a normal person in thirty minutes. Glancing up, he saw Lindsay sucking on her pen as she considered yet another barely-there undergarment. Sighing, he started in on the Mets. _She's seriously gonna kill me one of these days. _He regarded her once again. _But what a way to go._


	61. Judy or James?

**Author's Note: **spoilers for season two episode fourteen

**Chapter Sixty-One: Judy or James?**

"No way. Nuh-uh. I ain't goin' down there, Montana!" Danny protested as Lindsay regarded him while tapping her foot. _**He**'ll be there. And he'll be… talkative._

"Daniel Messer," she intoned in a voice that he thought only his mother possessed. "Get your ass in that elevator right now." _If I have to be there, so do you._

"But Montana…"

"Calling me that isn't going to make me any more likely to let you off the hook."

"But he's gonna wanna talk about…"

"Exactly. And I don't want to be the only one who's scarred for life. Now move it, cowboy!"

_Did she just call me 'cowboy'?_

………

"She really is an angel," Sid sighed to Mac over the body of his skewered victim.

Mac nodded uncomfortably, "Congratulations."

"I still can't believe that she accepted my advances. She must get hundreds of offers from men who are younger and more handsome than I am." He shook his head in wonder, then reconsidered his statement. "Well, younger at least."

"I'm sure she must," Mac said, attempted to move the conversation. "I just need the arrow, if…"

"We're going out tonight. Our first date. I'm as nervous as a high school lad." Sid was practically floating.

"Sid!" Mac said a bit loudly to pull his M.E. out of the clouds.

"Oh yes, of course. Sorry," he came back to Earth with a thud. "If you'll just hold her in place for me, I'll…" he grabbed hold of the piece of all Stella had cut to preserve the arrow and Mac held the victim steady. "One… two… three…" The arrow slid out of her chest and back with a slight suction sound and Sid placed it into a paper evidence bag. Mac repositioned the body on her back. "There you go."

"Thanks Sid," Mac accepted the bag and headed for the door before the coroner could start in again. He went out just as Danny and Lindsay were coming in. "You guys on the music promoter?" he asked.

Lindsay nodded and was about to confirm when Danny said, "Like glue." Mac chuckled and Danny gave her a triumphant smile.

Lindsay gave him a flat look. "He doesn't think that's funny. He's humouring you," she said with a grin.

Danny's smile faded. _He thought it was funny! I know he did! He…_ "You don't know him like I do," he said and followed her into the autopsy room.

Sid wheeled their victim over, doing a sort of dance with the gurney. He was humming to himself.

"You're in a good mood today, Sid," Lindsay observed, ignoring Danny's frantic throat-cutting gestures and shakes of the head.

"I have a date with the perfect woman tonight," he sighed happily.

"Are you sure she's a woman?" Danny muttered under his breath, earning himself a smack in the gut fro Lindsay. _Hey, it's a fair question!_

"She's singing at the Rinaldo, tonight. I'm taking her out for dinner afterwards," his face was covered in a blissful smile.

"The Rinaldo?" Danny's eyebrows raised in surprise. "A classy place like that let's drag queens sing there? Oof!" he glared at Lindsay as she gave him a solid punch that time. "Cut it out, Montana!" he hissed in her ear.

She attempted to keep her polite smile fixed in place as she muttered out of the corner of her mouth, "He's happy. Don't ruin it."

"Drag queen?" Sid frowned. "She's not a drag queen." His eyes widened in shock, "You thought she was a _drag queen?_"

This time, Lindsay stepped on Danny's foot hard enough to send him hopping to the other side of the table, "Well, it's just that … what with her singing at the Kingsway Cabaret and all…"

"Well, that hardly means she's a drag queen, does it? I mean, Chris was there, too, and you don't think **he's** a drag queen, do you?"

Lindsay's entire face registered her complete horror at what Sid had just said. Thankfully, Danny was still nursing his injury and she didn't think he'd heard. She hurriedly hissed to Sid, "Ixnay on the is-Chray," and then she continued their conversation, much to Sid's confusion. "So, she was just making a guest appearance?" _Please, Sid. **Please** don't tell anyone, I beg you. _

Sid was still mouthing 'ixnay on the is-chray' to himself, trying to figure out what she meant. "What? Oh, yes. She performs there a few times a year because, as you saw, her Judy Garland is absolutely incredible. I've long been a fan of hers." His brows suddenly smoothed out from their puzzled creases, "Oh! You mean you don't want me to say…"

Lindsay covered his mouth with her hand. "That's right. I think we've heard enough. I wouldn't want you to say something that shouldn't be revealed to oustsiders," she nodded significantly at Danny. Sid's eyes widened in comprehension. _God, for a genius, he really isn't that quick on the uptake, is he?_

"Right. Well, then, let's start with your glue victim, shall we?" He picked up a small circular saw from his tray of tools and turned it on. "You've gotta love this job."


	62. Touchdown!

**Author's Note: **I wanted to do more on that scene where Flack walks in and tells Stella that he's slept with a lot of women, etc. but I can't remember the quote, and the episode is on my dead computer, so just pretend that I wrote a really awesome scene there, ok? Ok. On with more ridiculousfulnessosity. It's a word.

**Chapter 62: Touchdown!**

"So I'm guessin' you scored with that blonde from the other night?" Danny asked Flack as the men grabbed a hotdog outside for lunch.

"Who? Sarah?" Flack asked, surprised.

"That her name?"

"Yeah. She's a teacher. Real nice, too." Flack took a giant bite of his hotdog, leaning over so as to avoid getting mustard on his tie.

"Does she know about you havin' sex with lotsa women?" Danny asked wickedly, wiping some ketchup from the corner of his mouth with his thumb. _Gotcha!_

Flack choked. "**What?**" He coughed for a moment before he recovered. "I mean, it's not like I _haven't_… But I wouldn't say that… How did you…" he took a deep breath and affected his best detective expression, "Explain."

Danny grinned at his friend's consternation. "Just somethin' Stella mentioned is all." _After I dragged it out of her_.

Flack glared up at the building, in the general vicinity of the crime lab's floor. "She _mentioned_ somethin', did she?" He took a savage bite of hot dog and swallowed it practically whole. "Did she also _mention_ that I was quotin' our vic when I said that?" He popped the top of his Coke can and took a long swig. "Bastard's a real jerk, too. Five minute's into the conversation, **I** wanted to shoot 'im." Shaking his head slightly, he looked at Danny out of the corner of his eye. "'Sides, what if I _have_ had sex with lotsa women? Just means I've got lotsa practice is all."

"Either that, or you can't keep one around for long," Danny grinned. _It's fun bein' on **this** side of the conversation, for a change._

"Uh huh. You really wanna start this, Messer?" Flack raised an eyebrow. "I seem to remember **you** having a date or two in your time."

"Yeah, but we ain't talkin' about **me**, are we?" Danny laughed and popped the last of his hotdog in his mouth, brushing his hands together to rid them of the last of the bread crumbs.

"Maybe **we** ain't, but that don't mean that me and _Lindsay_ can't." Flack flashed Danny a huge smile full of revenge and sprinted into the building to the elevator.

_He wouldn't._ Danny stood there for a fraction of a second, watching as his friend waited for the lift. _Shit. He really really **would**_He ran into the building to catch up.

………

"Hey Adam," the tech jumped and whirled around at the sound of her voice. _Someone needs to lay off the coffee a bit._ "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just… I'm fine." He pulled his labcoat tighter around him. "Why? What have you heard? Did you hear something? Because I'm really fine and nothing happened, nothing at all. There's nothing to tell. I'm fine. Good! I'm good. Yeah. Good." He twitched again and sat down, uncomfortably.

Lindsay looked at him in concern. _Did he miss his medication today or something?_ "Are you sure you're…" she moved to place her hand on his shoulder and he jumped up and moved away from her, looking at her hand like it was a snake. "Adam?" _What is it with me and men these days?_

"You bought me a drink, too, didn't you?" he asked, fear etched into his face and voice.

"What?" _Cuckoo. Cuckoo._

"At the cabaret. You bought me a drink," a shaky finger extended and pointed at her.

"Well yeah. You cracked the case, of course I bought you a drink." _This is a **bad** thing?_

"Oh God," he pulled his labcoat tight once more and placed his hands protectively in front of himself. "It's just a drink! It doesn't mean anything! I thought you were just being nice! God, I can't handle all of these ulterior motives. I'm just one man! One sexy, irresistible man." He placed his hands over his face and took a shuddering breath, trying to regain control.

"Um." Lindsay backed slowly toward the door. "Why don't you uh, text me … when you have the results. Okay? Is that alright?" She gave him one more wide-eyed, incredulous glance full of trepidation before she turned back into the hallway. She shook her head, trying to clear it of the bizarreness of that conversation and ran directly into Donald Flack.

"Hey there, Linds," he said with a wide smile. "I was wonderin' if you kn-GAH!" he was cut off mid-word by a flying tackle from Danny.

Her partner looked up at her with a weak smile and a jaunty wave. "Hey, Montana!" he panted, slightly out of breath from his chase. "Just… uh… playin' some … uh… office football!" He patted Flack on his aching shoulder, making his friend groan. "That's what? Second down?" The taller man nodded in defeat.

Adam came to the door to apologize to Lindsay for his behaviour and gaped at the sprawled figures of Danny and Don, tangled up on the floor. "You people are _animals!_" he gasped and retreated to his lab.

Danny blushed. "I have no idea what he's talking about." _Nope, none at all. _


	63. Understatement and Overenthusiasm

**Author's Note:** I'M BACK! Thank all the gods that be, my computer is finally fixed. Holy FRACK was that annoying. Me, without a computer for a week. With insomnia. And no TV. And I've read all of my books. It wasn't pretty. Anyway, here's the next installment of ETR, finally!

**Chapter Sixty-Three: Understatement and Overenthusiasm**

Hawkes entered the trace lab carrying a large, impressive bow in an evidence bag. He was definitely going to have to tell Jess about his descent into a ventilation shaft to retrieve it. She had a serious thing about Tom Cruise in that harness scene in Mission Impossible. Reining in his thoughts, he approached his boss.

"Mac, this is one serious bow." He went on to describe the sort of projectile weapon one would use while hunting lions and tigers (but not bears, oh my) in the Serengeti. To call this bow merely "serious" was to call the Great Fire of London "a bit of a blaze." This was not a bow you wanted to mess with.

"The arrow's no slouch, either," Mac responded, continuing the theme of gross understatement. "Two bodies and a bamboo wall weren't even a challenge." The only problem now was identifying the archer. They had to find someone who would switch from hunting jaguar to hunting humans.

………

Flack sat at his desk in the precinct interviewing a woman with a lot of attitude. He had to admit that she was beautiful. Carlos really did have good taste in women, when it came to looks. But there was just something about the way she was talking that really just made him want to slap her in cuffs and put her in jail.

The great thing about his job was that he could do exactly that. And get paid for it.

"Up you get," he said, 'helping' her to her feet. "Time to get you inked and into the system."

"But I didn't **do** anything!" she argued, struggling out of his grasp and stomping down on his foot.

Gritting his teeth to avoid screaming out in sudden paid, Flack grabbed her by her bicep again. "Assaulting a police officer? Really not your best move to make." He started off to get her processed. "C'mon." He was thinking about Sarah and her more… understated way of dealing with hostile situations. She had a glare on her that put his own mother's to shame.

………

_Man, did our vic have a bad night_ Danny leaned over the posters they had collected, looking for evidence to support their theory and perhaps lead them to a suspect. _Shoved into a wall, maced, hit in the throat, choked with a bullet, covered in glue, and left to die. That can't be fun._ He moved awkwardly around Lindsay, both of them trying to maintain a line of sight on the posters in front of them while not actually touching each other as they passed. _Shoving up against a wall, though… _He took a deep breath of Lindsay's shampoo. _Shoving up against a wall can definitely have its good moments sometimes. _Reading the words "Rough Sects" over and over again wasn't helping his concentration too much, either.

………

Lindsay entered the firing range to find her boss operating the scariest looking weapon she'd ever seen. And that was saying something, for someone in her line of work. _The man is some sort of weapons **machine** or something._

"Another weapon you're an expert with. I don't know whether to be impressed or worried," she remarked after he scored quite close to the centre of the target. _Note to self: do **not**_ _piss off Mac Taylor. Not only can he kill you in about thirty million different ways, he can also hide the body. _

Her jaw dropped when Mac told her it was her turn to try. "Mac, I've… never fired one of these before," she said with a nervous smile. _He can't possibly be serious, can he?_

"Exactly, you're perfect to add context to the evidence." And just like that, she couldn't refuse. _Great. Now I get to look like a complete and utter dufus in front of my boss. Perfect._ Mac showed her how to position her hands and let her figure the rest out on her own.

"So it stands to reason, if I can use this, so can Sienna?" she asked as she pulled back the arrow and squinted to aim.

"Give it your best shot."

She pulled back and released, scoring quite well on the target. "Whoa! That's awesome! And easy! I think Sienna coulda done it," she turned to Mac without letting go of the bow. _That was better than chocolate! Hell, it was better than **sex**! I **love**_ _this thing!_

"So do I."

"Can I have another?" she impatiently wiggled her fingers while she regarded the target. _I can totally get it in the yellow. _

"You've proved the point," Mac said, amused. His newest CSI was certainly a bundle of enthusiasm, that was for sure.

"I know," she said happily, slotting the arrow in place and drawing back. She released and scored in the next circle. "Woo! God, this is easy! And fun!" she actually bounced up and down a bit. "Keep 'em comin'!" _This is seriously the best job on the planet. _

Mac watched, bemused, as she went rapidly through the entire quiver, getting a bullseye on her fifth try. He could only laugh at her expression of severe disappointment when he informed her that she'd gone through all of the arrows. She was about to suggest that they collect the ones that they'd shot so that she could practice some more when he gently but firmly reminded her that she had a case of her own.

"If you're still pumped about it after shift, you can borrow it from my office, but for now, you've got a case of your own to solve."

"Right, right," she said distractedly. _I wonder if it'd be bad form to tack pictures of people who are annoying me up on the target. _She shook her head dismissively. _Probably not a good idea, considering whom I work with. _"Thanks again, Mac." She reluctantly handed over the bow and returned to her own work.

………

Danny walked past the firing range that night, looking for his partner. _No way she'd be in…_His eyes widened and his jaw hit the floor while his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Montana?" he rhetorically asked the glass wall as he peered inside. She seemed to be firing a scary-looking bow and arrow. _I knew she was a country girl, but this… this is just… _He watched her do a little dance after getting a bullseye. _… really, really **hot**. _

_This is for my mother and her constant, "So, when are you going to get married like your sister?"_ Lindsay released the arrow and watched in satisfaction as it hit the target with a resounding thud.

_This is for Jess and Hawkes who won't stop watching freaking Mission Impossible all the time! _The theme song wound repeatedly through her head as she struck another arrow into the paper ring.

_This is for Chris. --_ **thud.**

_This is for his landlord. –_** thud.**

_This is for that guy with the acoustic guitar at the bottom of the subway stairs who keeps getting the words to "Try a Little Tenderness" wrong. –_ **thud. thud. thud.**

She **really** hated people who got the words wrong.

"Uhh… Montana?" Danny asked, hesitantly. He wasn't used to approaching women who were actually _armed._

She turned to face him with an arrow in one hand and the bow in the other. Her face was a mask, but her grip had tightened to whiten her knuckles. "Interesting choice of greetings, considering the fact that I've got a projectile weapon in my hands capable of puncturing you and continuing for another 200 feet afterwards." _The next one is definitely dedicated to **him**._

_It really can't be healthy that threats are now arousin' for me. _"Good point."

"Well?"

"Hmm?" _She's all flushed and panting and sweaty and… God, I want to make her look like that. _

"You wanted something?"

_You against the wall or on the floor or over that counter you're leaning against..._ "I did?" _Crap, what did I want?_ "Oh yeah! I was just gonna tell ya that I'm headin' out for the night. I figure we start in on the glue tomorrow?"

"Sure, sounds good." She turned back to her target.

"You gonna just keep shootin'?"

"That's the plan." _It's cheaper than buying batteries._

"Oookay then." He backed out of the room, watching as she shot another arrow into the centre of the target. _Damn, she's good at that._ "See ya tomorrow… Lindsay."

She didn't even hear him as her arrow thudded into the wall again. _Take **that**_ _IRS!_


	64. A Date? Really?

**Chapter Sixty-Four: A Date? Really?**

Lindsay tried very hard to concentrate on dusting the dozen or so guitars that she and Danny had picked up at Runyan's shop and confiscated for evidence. It was just a tad difficult to do so with her boss hovering there beside her minutely inspecting each one after she'd finished with it. _The man can give me a complex just by standing there, let alone by inspecting my work inch by inch._

Finally, she looked up and tried in the politest way possible to get him to **go away**. "You know, you don't have to help me with this." _Please go away. Please please please._

"Well, I owe you for all that help with the archery." Mac smiled at her, then picked up another guitar.

_Crap. I shoulda known that'd come back and bite me in the ass. _She looked up from her dusting as Mac sat on a stool and looked ready to play. Then he turned the guitar over.

"These prints are inconsistent with how you hold a bass to play it."

"Are you a connoisseur?" _Mac? A guitar lover? I didn't see that one coming._

Mac neatly avoided the question by demonstrating how, in order to get those prints in those positions, you'd need to be wielding the guitar in a downward-thrusting position. They'd found their murder weapon.

………

Stella hurriedly finished her phone call as Mac and Hawkes entered the break room. Frankie was a good guy and all, but her work came first.

"Ricks not our guy," Mac told her with a slightly sour expression.

"Alright," she said sighing and standing up. "So, now we're oh for two. Way behind in the count."

"Well, I'm not keeping score," Mac replied, giving her a slight smile and a little nod. It was his way of saying that he knew about Frankie and he understood. Stella was a beautiful woman and she couldn't be expected to just sit at home waiting for him while he sorted out his internal mess.

Stella smiled and looked down. It was her way of acknowledging his understanding and thanking him for it. This thing with Frankie wasn't really all that serious yet and she didn't think it would be, and she was glad that Mac had a handle on the situation.

"Where do we go from here?" Hawkes asked with a smile and a look that showed he knew exactly what had passed between the two senior CSI's. He _always_ knew. He was just like that.

They went back to the victim's apartment. When in doubt, return to the scene of the crime.

………

"I just _knew _that bastard had somethin' to do with it," Danny crowed as he and Lindsay left the bar and watched Gus Drood and two of the band members being driven away in the backs of patrol cars. _Sonofabitch had murderer stamped all over his forehead._

"A nice guy like him…" Lindsay said dryly, shaking her head. Danny laughed even more. _About as unexpected as the butler doing it_. She thought about the case with the panic room. _Or the maid._

"God, I love nailing smug sonsa bitches like him!" Danny faked a basketball shot and made a swishing sound. "Feels good gettin' trash like him off the streets, y'know?" _Man, I'm pumped! I just wanna… **do** somethin'!_

"How about we celebrate after we finish all the paperwork?" Lindsay asked suddenly. _I don't know him like you do, eh?_

"What?" Danny stopped mid-bounce and turned to stare at her. _Did Montana just ask me out? Seriously?_

"After work. Let's go out and celebrate." _And say 'I told you so' about a million times._ She had trouble suppressing her grin and it turned into a flush from the effort.

_Damn, she's actually blushin'! _"Why, Montana, I'd be honoured!" _Hot damn! I gotta remember to buy that lottery ticket today._

Lindsay took her notebook out of her pocket and scribbled an address on it. "I'm off before you, so I'll meet you there at… say eight o'clock?" _Just in time to see the first set. _

_Cozy's eh? Sounds… cozy._ Danny licked his lips and smirked. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Montana. Not for the whole damned world."

He was in such a good mood, he even let her drive back to the lab.

………

"Seriously?" Stella asked, her voice laced with skepticism.

"I'm tellin' ya!" Danny insisted, his chest still puffed out with bravado and his body still bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"And _she_ asked _you_?" Stella's expression changed from skepticism to total confusion.

"Yep!" he answered with a smirk on his face and another one in his voice.

"We _are_ talking about Lindsay **Monroe**, right? Light brown hair, kinda short, new to the city? _That_ Lindsay Monroe?"

She was really starting to bring him down off his high. "Aw, forget about it!" Danny growled, going off in search of people he could actually call _friends_.

………

"A date?" Flack asked, his voice registering his surprise. "Really?"

"Yes, really." Danny was definitely growing impatient with people. _Why is this so hard to believe?_

"And you're sure she meant it as a date and not just a friends thing?"

"… Well, I _was_ until about five seconds ago, thanksverymuch!" _Shit. She didn't actually **say** that it was a date. But there was that blush! And Cozy's! That name has date all over it!_

"Might wanna play it cool, man. Y'know. Just in case," Flack advised with a fatherly pat on the back.

Danny stormed off to find a gentler ear to bend.

………

After running it past Stella, Flack, Hawkes, and Marty (Adam had run away at the sight of him and he wouldn't talk to Mac or Sid about something like this), Danny was more determined than ever that this would be a date. His only problem now was that it was 7:30 and he still had to get across town.

_Fuck. She asks me out, and I'm gonna be late. That's just perfect. Shit._


	65. Cozy's

**Author's Note: **I'm nervous about this chapter, and I'm really sorry if it's not what you were imagining happened at the end of the Cozy's scene. I gave it a shot, and I hope you like it.

**Chapter Sixty-Five: Cozy's **

"Yes, I broke the apartment, but that doesn't mean that I know anything about sex in a harness, Jess," Lindsay patiently explained to her roommate in as quiet a voice as she could manage and still be heard on the phone. "And I'm really not in a place where I can discuss it at great length, ok?" After promising that they could do a little math when she got home, she hung up the phone. Looking at her watch, she scanned the room. It was ten minutes past eight and still no Danny. _Maybe he got a better offer._

Danny panted and gulped in a breath as he walked through the doorway into the jazz club. _Jazz? She likes jazz? _He looked around the room trying to find her and noticed her when she gave a little wave. _Shit. She looks kinda pissed. _He looked at his watch. _I knew I shoulda put on the siren._ Then she smiled at him and everything was ok again.

"I'm sorry I'm late." _Why am I so nervous? It's just Montana._

"S'ok. I ordered you a beer." _Why do I feel nervous? It's just Danny._

"Thanks," he settled into his seat and licked his lips as he glanced her over. She'd undone the top buttons of her cardigan and he could see a little tanktop or something showing underneath. There was a hint of cleavage, too… and had she put on makeup? _Yeah, this is definitely a date._ "So, what's up?" he said with that devilish smile that always worked wonders on women.

_Oh, this is gonna be good. _"It's just something I thought you might be interested in," she said with a smile of her own.

"Jazz music?" he made a face. "That's me." But now she was looking up at the stage expectantly as she clapped. _God, she really is gorgeous, isn't she? Wonder why I didn't notice that right at first. _His smile was huge now as he looked at her in the muted lights of the bar.

_Wait for it… _Mac introduced Carol Williams from Chicago as their special guest and Lindsay peered excitedly at Danny as his expression changed from sexy flirting to confusion and disbelief and he turned to look at the stage. _That look was definitely worth any hangover I might have tomorrow. _

_No fuckin' way!_ Danny turned back to her, smile still in place and gestured to the stage. "Get outta here. Are you kiddin' me?" Lindsay laughed at his reaction to a casually dressed Mac playing bass guitar at a jazz club. Danny looked back at the stage again. _Either he's really up there, or this is one helluva hallucination. _He turned back to Lindsay again, still amused and shocked but now curious as hell. "How'd you know he played?"

"Figured it out," _I'm a smart cookie. _"I could tell by the way he held the bass in the lab that he knew guitars. And I knew he had a standing appointment on Wednesdays. Coulda been a shrink or yoga, but I took a music option."

Danny glanced from her to the stage and back again throughout her explanation. _How did I never notice before?_ "I'm impressed," he nodded and regarded Mac once more.

"Maybe you didn't know him as well as you thought," she suggested, barely keeping a straight face. _I told you so! I told you so! **I told you so!**_

_Yeah. You mean 'I told ya so.' Good think you're cute, or I'd have somethin' to say about that._ Danny nodded in possible agreement. "So this is why you wanted to celebrate tonight?" he held is breath as she replied.

"Can you blame me?" she grinned.

_Damnit. I hate it when Flack is right._ "I guess not," he smiled. "But you're payin' for this beer to make up for sayin' ya told me so." _Alright. Alright, so it's not a date… yet. That don't mean nothin'. The night is young, and I haven't even taken my coat off, yet. _

Lindsay laughed again, "Alright, fair enough." _If I get to be right, I guess it's only fair that he gets a free drink._

Danny regarded Mac once more and casually removed his jacket. Underneath he wore a grey sweater that fit in all the right places. It was a good shirt, and he knew it. _Let's see how long you can resist me, Montana._

Lindsay's eyebrows rose. _Whoa. Nice shirt. _ She particularly appreciated the way his biceps bulged out as he rested his arms on the table and looked at her again. _He's got really nice…shirts. Yes, shirts. _She shook the other thoughts out of her mind. This was **Danny**, after all.

"So, what's new, Montana?" he smirked. _Yeah, she noticed. _He flexed a bit as he shifted position again, and he watched as her eyes followed his muscles. _Poor girl doesn't stand a chance._

"Hey, have you noticed how weird Adam's been acting lately?" she took a sip of her drink. _Stop looking at the shirt! Stop it! Stop it!_

Danny sat back, looking slightly worried. He tried a laugh, but it came out rather forced. "Adam's always weird. That's what makes him Adam." _Shit. Not a good conversation to start. Quick! Change the topic!_ "Sid, though. He takes the cake."

Now Lindsay looked worried. "What about Sid?" _Oh god, don't tell me Sid talked! How could he talk? He probably didn't get the ixnay thing. Crap. _

"That whole Judy Garland thing," Danny took a sip of beer. _Phew. No more Adam. _"I mean, you gotta admit, most guys don't meet chicks in drag bars." He tried his charming smile again. _Reel her in, man. Just reel her in._

Lindsay let out a breath in relief. She chuckled mildly, "I guess that's probably true." She gave Danny a huge grin. _Oh thank god. _"Oh hey, did I ever show you the pictures I took that night?"

"You got… pictures?" his smile froze in place.

"Yeah! I got a really good one of you and Flack," she smirked as she took out her cellphone and flipped through the menus to show him.

"That's… great. Just… great." _I'll ask for the phone to get a closer look, and I'll delete it. It'll be an accident. Really._

She passed the phone over to show him, "And don't worry about deleting it. I've already got it on my computer at work." _I'm evil. Sooo evil._

_She's evil! **So** evil! _He took the phone and cringed at the shot of him practically liplocking Flack. _There goes my lady killer rep. _Paging through, he laughed at the sight of Hawkes surrounded by the Supremes and he almost choked at the image of a very reluctant Adam in the arms of a quite happy Marilyn Monroe. "These are hilarious!" _At least I'm not the only one who can be blackmailed. _He paused at one of the ones from the show, itself. "Hey, isn't this… crap. I know I know this guy. Gimme a second."

Lindsay looked over his shoulder and her laughter immediately stopped. _Crap! I forgot I took that one!_ She snatched the phone away, pretending to peer at the large men dressed as a Rocky Horror cast member. "Hmmm… doesn't look familiar to me. Is he an actor?" _Shit, shit, shit!_

_Damnit, it's right on the tip of my tongue!_ "It'll come to me." He noticed that Lindsay seemed a bit uncomfortable, so he figured he should change the topic again. "Well, I dunno about you, Montana, but I'm starved. This place got a menu?"

She gave him a relieved smile and waved a waitress over, just as the set was finishing.

"We're going to break for about thirty minutes, now, but we'll be back at 10:00 with another set. Don't go anywhere," Mac gave the crowd a small wave and left the stage. Danny and Lindsay were both a bit surprised to see Stella meet him as he descended. They were even more surprised to see her give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"…Doesn't she have some artist boyfriend or somethin'?" Danny asked, confused.

"That wasn't a romantic kiss. That was a 'just friends' kiss." Lindsay informed him, looking down at the menu.

Danny licked his lips and looked at her. _And you definitely know all about 'just friends' don'tcha, Montana?_ "What's the difference?" he asked, casually. _Feel free to demonstrate._

She smiled up at him and gave a small laugh, "From what I've heard, Messer, you don't need any lessons when it comes to kissing," _Well, except when it comes to kissing me._

"Yeah?" he sat up a bit taller and smirked a bit. _I **am** good. _

"Of course, personal experience contraindicates that," she teased.

"Any time you want another go at it, Montana, I'm all in favour," he leaned in and looked her right in the eyes.

_Oh my._ "I think I'll pass, thanks. I think I've still got a bruise from the last time," the waitress came back and she gave her their order.

"Ouch! Montana, I'm hurt!" he pantomimed being shot in the heart. _So, this ain't a date, then. Right. _

"You'll live," _I wish I could have **dates** that were this fun. _

_I'll get you yet, Montana. _

_I need to meet a guy more like Danny. _


	66. Not Even ObiWan Can Help Her Now

**Chapter Sixty-Six: Not Even Obi-Wan Can Help Her Now**

Jess looked up from the schematic she was drawing and grinned at Lindsay. "So, how was your _date?_"

"Date?" Lindsay asked, confused. "I didn't have a date. I went to a bar with Danny." She took off her jacket and hung it on the peg before sitting crosslegged at the coffee table across from her roommate. _That's like… the anti-date._

"You went out with Danny. Alone. To a bar. For drinks. Just the two of you." Jess gave her a knowing look.

Lindsay replied with a roll of her eyes. "You know, men and women _can_ be just friends, contrary to your sex-fiend opinion." She smiled to indicate her joke. _And Danny and I are just friends. That's all. Nothing more._

"First of all, I'm not in the mood to rehash the entire 'When Harry Met Sally' argument. Secondly, I'm _hardly_ a sex fiend!" Jess projected an air of complete innocence that would have been fairly convincing, were it not for the sketch pad in front of her.

"Uh huh," Lindsay nodded, not at all fooled. "And what exactly are you drawing there?" She raised an eyebrow and endeavored to keep a straight face.

Jess considered out and out lying, but she really did need Lindsay to check over her numbers for her. "Ok, so maybe I'm a _little **tiny** _bit sex-fiendish… sometimes."

"Like now, for instance?" _Or that time when Hawkes needed medical attention after you'd finished with him?_

"Honey, he's got a harness! A Tom-Cruise-Mission-Impossible harness! He can actually lower himself down from the ceiling! Do you know how hot that is?" She pleaded for understanding.

"… I really don't."

………

_I shoulda walked her to her door. If I'da walked her to her door, I coulda kissed her and it woulda been a date. _Danny kicked an empty beer can down the sidewalk. _Unless, of course, she kneed me in the crotch or something. _He paused to wince slightly. _Yeah, maybe it's good I didn't walk her to her door. _

………

"Seriously, though… why did you think I had a date tonight?" Lindsay asked as she bit into an apple. _This isn't exactly a date outfit, is it?_

Jess shrugged. "Shel said that Danny was all excited because you asked him out." She erased one of the support beams and redrew it, inwardly laughing at Lindsay's strangled choke.

"I… I…" Lindsay coughed again and gestured helplessly. _I just asked him to go for drinks to see Mac play and shut him up about knowing him so well. _ "It was to prove a point!"

"And yet, Danny thought date. How about that?" She nibbled the end of her pencil as she considered a different angle.

"But… but…" _But…_

"There, there, sweetie. It'll be okay." Jess patted her shoulder distractedly. "How tall would you say Shel is? About five-ten?"

………

Danny threw his sweater onto the end of his bed and wandered into the kitchen for some water. _Okay, so this whole Montana thing's goin' slower than they usually do. That's okay, though. S'alright. I can handle it. _He kicked the fridge closed and punched the door while banging his head into the freezer. _Fuckit, I'm going fucking nuts, here!_

………

"But how could he think it was a date?" Lindsay asked, still somewhat shellshocked but this revelation.

"Gee, maybe because you asked him to go out with you? Alone? For drinks? And you've never done that before? And you're both single, intelligent, attractive people with enough sexual energy to power half the city?"

Lindsay blinked.

"No, seriously. Why did he think it was a date?"

Jess groaned in frustration and hit her head against the coffee table.

………

_And who the fuck was that guy in the black chick stuff, anyway? _Danny took a long drink from his water glass. _That's fuckin' pissin' me off, too. _He put the glass down with rather more force than was necessary, splashing water over the side and making a mess on the counter. _Aw geez! Are you kiddin' me?_ He looked around for a cloth to wipe it up, but not finding one immediately handy, he just pulled his tanktop over his head and mopped it up with that.

………

Lindsay stepped under the shower to clear the smoke and stale beer smells out of her hair. _She's just messing with me. _She grabbed the shampoo and squirted some into her palm, making a lather and rubbing it into her hair. _She just wants to freak me out so that I'll stop teasing her about her harness obsession. Which, by the way, is really kind of disturbing. _She made a face and turned to rinse the soap out, opening her mouth to accept some water. _Danny Messer, modern day Casanova, would never think of little Lindsay Monroe from Montana as a date. That's just… beyond ridiculous. It's ridongculous. No, that's not the word. Ripenisculous? No, that doesn't sound right. _She concentrated and mumbled to herself as she rubbed in her conditioner and shaved her legs. Finally, as she exited the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, it came to her.

"Ricockulous!" she shouted, gleefully.

"It is not!" came the muffled reply through the bathroom wall.

Lindsay gave the offending plaster a sour look and grabbed her toothbrush.

………

Danny stripped off his pants and boxers and toed off his socks before getting into the shower. He sighed as the hot water streamed down over his body, bowing down under it for a moment before shaking his hair back and grabbing the shampoo. _He was a real big sonofabitch, that's for sure. Even without those crazy shoes on. _He massaged the soap into his scalp, enjoying the rush of water over his chest and down his body. It was just this side of arousing. _Nothin' hot about a dude in lingerie, though. _He coughed and looked guilty for a moment, then turned under the spray and rinsed his hair clean. _Now, who do I know that's over six feet tall and built like a brick wall?_ He didn't really pay all that much attention to actors beyond the hour or two that they held his attention on the screen, so he started going through acquaintances as he finished up in the shower. Stepping out of the bathtub and grabbing his towel, he'd ruled out all of his coworkers since they were all at the table with him and had gone through half of the NYPD. He was just grabbing his toothbrush when it hit him like a freight train.

"Montana's fireman!"

………

Flack sat up in bed. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were silenced."

Sarah laughed and pulled him back down beside her. "No more Star Wars for you before bed."


	67. Blast From the Past

**Author's Note: **Y'know, I keep warning you people. "Don't eat or drink anything while you're reading this story. You'll make a mess of yourself, your desk, and your monitor," I say. But do you listen? Noooo. There's just no talking to you. Well, I wash my hands of it. If you want to choke to death and DIE because you can't put your toast down for two minutes while you read a chapter of funniness, don't have your lawyer blame ME for your wrongful death.

In other words, I'm glad that you guys got a kick out of the last few chapters :D

**Chapter Sixty-Seven: Blast From the Past**

Danny slouched in a booth, poking his fork idly into his sunny-side-up eggs and not meeting the steady gaze of his best friend. _This wasn't a good idea. _

"You dragged my sorry ass out of bed at stupid o'clock, Messer. Least you can do is tell me _why**." **_Aiden jabbed her own fork in his direction before stabbing a hashbrown and bringing it to her mouth. "Spill."

Danny leaned forward, ran a hand through his hair, opened his mouth to speak, sighed and glanced to the side to wave the waitress over for a refill on his coffee. _Shit. How the hell am I supposed to ask this, anyway?_ Aiden raised an eyebrow and started tapping her fingernails on the table impatiently. She knew it drove him nuts when she did that and it'd make him crack that much faster. He stared at her offendingly noisy fingers and grit his teeth, slouching back in the booth and pushing up his glasses. _Damnit. I fuckin' hate it when she does that! _She kept tapping, slowly and relentlessly, watching as his jaw muscles worked. He glared at her and licked his lips.

_I can't take it anymore! _"**Fine!**" he blurted. "I'll spill! Just… _stop it with the nails_, okay?" He let out a breath and ran his hands through his hair again, trying not to notice her triumphant grin.

"What's the big deal, Messer? What is it that couldn't wait for my Chicken Parm next Thursday?" She took a swig of orange juice while she waited.

"Alright, look. I'm gonna tellya, but ya can't … y'know… be you about it, okay?" He regarded her over the tops of his glasses. _I need a sister, here, but not one who wants to tease me to death._

"I can't be_ me_? What the fuck's that supposed to mean?" she asked, rightfully pissed off.

_Shit. That coulda come out better. _"I just mean… Look, just … don't laugh, okay?"

He looked so pathetic, looking up at her with those big, blue eyes from his position of slouching misery. She felt bad for him, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "Talk first, and I'll decide later if I laugh or not."

Danny sighed. _That's probably about the best I can get. _"Okay. So." He took a deep breath. "There's this girl. Chick. Woman." _How do you classify Montana?_

Aiden was already smirking. "A female, gotcha."

"Right, that." He took a deep gulp of coffee and poked his eggs again.

"… And?" Aiden gestured.

He groaned and put his head in his hands. "And I'm nuts about her. Totally fuckin' nuts." _Because she drives me fuckin' crazy all the time!_

Aiden's smile widened as she witnessed, for the first time in their friendship, Danny Messer unable to get the woman he was after. It was… refreshing. "You're comin' to me at six fuckin' thirty in the goddamned mornin' for _chick advice?_" Yeah, that wanting her not to laugh thing was pretty much out the window at that point.

"Could you at least _pretend_ not to laugh? Please?" Danny begged, looking around the diner at the other patrons. _I really shoulda picked a place I don't go to three times a week. _

"Alright, alright. So, what's the big problem? She hate your guts or somethin'?" Aiden picked up her toast and gestured with it. "I could see that."

"Yeah, thanks." Danny made a face and decided he might as well try ingesting the breakfast he'd ordered. He ate a mouthful of egg and bacon while he considered his next words. "She used to hate me, but now..." _Now I have no fuckin' clue **what**_ _she thinks._ "Thing is, she flirts with me _all the time_ … but she keeps sayin' we're **friends**." He made another face.

"And you want to be more than friends."

He gave her the sort of look that an obvious statement like that usually generates. "Can't get anythin' past you, eh Burn?"

"Shut up, Messer," she grinned. "So she flirts? That's good. She wouldn't do that if she were completely uninterested."

"Yeah?" _I knew talking to a chick about this shit would be a good idea. _"So I've got a shot, huh?"

"Sure." Aiden took another sip of juice. "**If** you don't blow it."

Danny leaned back and sighed, brushing his hair back again. "Yeah, that's kinda what I figured." _Damnit. I've got the goods on Chris… the scoop of the century. Best gossip since Hawkes breakin' his kitchen table… and I can't fuckin' use it. Figures. _

"My spidey sense is tinglin'" she poked the air in front of her with her fork again. "Spit it out."

"I've got some _seriously _embarrassin' information on her. She don't know I know it, but I know she don't want me to know it." _Me or anybody else. _

"And you, being _you_, you want to share this information with everyone she knows?"

_She knows me way too well. _"Pretty much, yeah."

"Well, you _can_…"

His face lit up. "Yeah?" he asked eagerly.

"… if you wanna give up every hope of ever gettin' into her pants."

"Shit."

"Yup."

"Really fuckin' _hate_ it when you're right, y'know."

"I know. And yet… I always am."

"Shut up and eat your damned eggs, Burn."

"Right back atcha, Messer."


	68. Putting the Fun in Funeral

**Author's Note: **season two, ep 15 (Cool Hunter)

**Chapter Sixty-Eight: Putting the Fun in Funeral**

At about the same time that Danny was seeking relationship advice from Aiden, Stella was making her way through a graveyard. Even though she dealt with dead people on a daily basis, she didn't usually make it to their burial sites. Even in the bright sunlight of the early morning, there was still something dark and somber about the place that sent a chill up her spine as she walked under the crime scene tape.

"One minute you're mourning a loved one, the next minute your loved ones are mourning you," she commented to Mac. He was crouched down over the body, determining the scene. "What have we got?"

They had a dead ADA (Assistant District Attorney) who prosecuted homicides, an unzipped briefcase that might or might not be missing confidential files, and yellow rubber that appeared to be from a balloon.

"Some people celebrate life," Mac posited. "Others celebrate death."

"You're thinking someone put the 'fun' into 'funeral' or something?" Stella asked, disbelievingly.

Mac shrugged, "Some people get drunk and tell funny stories. Other people have balloons and streamers. I don't judge."

Stella rolled her eyes and grinned. "And what sort of funeral do _you_ want to have, Mac?"

He considered for a moment before answering, "Of course I'm going to have a military funeral when the time comes, but it'll be a combination of NYPD and marines in the honour guard. I'd like to be buried beside Claire, though, not in Arlington." He nodded to himself and smiled, "Besides, I don't think Danny would do too well with all of that Brass." Stella smiled back at him. "The cadets would give you the flag, and then I'd want everyone to go O'Neil's and get drunk and tell stories about me. That sounds like a good send off to me."

Stella blinked. "I think that's the longest single speech I've ever heard you utter," she teased as she tried to control her swelling heart. Mac wanted _her_ to have the flag from his coffin. She was unbelievably touched.

"Just don't bury me with my paperwork, ok?"

She surreptitiously swiped a tear from the corner of her eye as she laughed in reply. "Why not? You'll finally have enough time to finish it."

………

"Who're we lookin' at Detective?" Danny asked as he peered down at a naked woman, conveniently covered by silk sheets. He was still trying to figure out how he could tell-but-not-tell about Chris.

"Kathleen Dunley," Maka replied.

"She live alone?" Hawkes asked as he took in the scene.

"Yup. Moved to the city about three weeks ago. Super came up to get her to sign some papers and found the front door open," she closed her notebook as the CSI's started in on the vic.

"No bruising," Hawkes noted as he shone is flashlight over the body. "No defensive wounds. No signs of struggle, just a little kinky sex." He tried hard not to think of Jess as he said that.

"Super mention anything about a boyfriend? Girlfriend maybe?" Danny asked. _Gotta hedge your bets, these days._

"He didn't know anything about her personal life," Maka smirked.

Hawkes trailed the ALS across the sheets and found evidence of seminal fluid. "Boyfriend."

Danny took the card from a dozen roses sitting on the table by the window. "'Lookin' forward to seeing you, Michel'" he chuckled. _Man, I could write a better card than that when I was in middle school._ "Player's got no game." He pointed over at Maka who was definitely amused at this point, "That should narrow down the playin' field." _To guys who have no clue about women._

"I'll find Michel," she smiled and left.

"See what else loverboy left us," Danny suggested to Hawkes. _If we look hard enough, maybe we'll find his balls in the corner. _

………

"Kyle Vance, what are you doin' at Samuel Cooper's grave?" Stella asked the corpse.

"You know, if he answers, that pretty much puts us out of a job," Mac commented.

She pursed her lips for a moment, then knelt down beside the dead man. "I was just being rhetorical," she told him. She looked up at Mac, "Better?"

"Much. Let's get him back to Sid, shall we?"

"Let's. Then he can do a different kind of talking. The kind that keeps us firmly employed."

"And buried in paperwork."

Stella groaned. "You just had to say that, didn't you?"

Mac just smiled.

………

Danny and Hawkes took pictures of the strange substance on the victim's lips, the evidence of sharp force trauma to her right ear, and of course wide and close shots of every aspect of the scene. Once they'd finished with that, they erected a plastic cage around her and fumed her for prints. Sex tends to require a bit of hands-on action, after all.

"So," Danny grinned at his partner. "This the sorta thing Jess is into?" _Can't say I've ever had a chick send me to the hospital before._

Hawkes blushed. "I really don't think this is the time or the place to discuss my sex life, do you?"

"Why not?" he shrugged. "I doubt _she_ minds all that much," he gestured to the deceased. _From the looks of things, she'd prolly get a kick outta hearin' about it._

"Let's just say that she's the first woman I've had sex with where I required a safety line."

"…On second thought, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know."

**Author's Note: **For the record, I was completely blocked when it came time for a chapter title. That's why this one sucks. In fact, I'm mostly not-thrilled with the whole thing, but hey. It'll get better next chapter, right?


	69. Sorry, but it's Just a Number

**Chapter Sixty-Nine: Sorry, but it's Just a Number**

Stella entered the morgue to find Sid humming to himself over a body. It was mildly disconcerting how _happy_ he was when he was up to his elbows in entrails.

"Things going well with Judy?" she asked.

"What?" He looked up from his autopsy. "Oh, yes! Quite! The woman is a vision of loveliness and an angel of peace. I admit, I'm quite preoccupied with her." His face took on a wistful expression, and he sighed. "Every time I inspect the coronary muscle, I'm reminded of how she holds my heart in her tiny, graceful hands."

Stella looked a combination of confused and nauseated. "And you've told her this, have you?"

Sid chuckled and gestured vaguely, "Oh, of course not! I don't want her to think me an overly romantic fool."

"…Of course," she agreed. Sometimes it's best just to smile and nod. "So, have you had a chance to look at my vic, yet?"

"Yes, and he wasn't as forthcoming as I'd like." He went to the sink and washed up from the body he was working on, then returned and put on a fresh pair of gloves. "Your victim suffered a gunshot wound to the chest. I'm guessing the bullet struck the zyphoid process which perforated the aorta."

"You're guessing?"

"Well, normally I'd be able to tell you for certain, but _normally_ when you get shot, there's a bullet. We don't even have a bullet _fragment._"

………

Adam was leaning over the table, examining a fingerprint from the ADA's briefcase when Danny walked into the room.

"Hey Adam," he greeted him. _I've gotta straighten this out before the guy explodes or somethin'._

Adam shot immediately to a standing position and turned so that his back was to the table. He had a hunted look on his face. "H-hi D-danny. W-what's up?" He glanced over to the door as if trying to gauge the distance to the exit.

_Of course, it's kinda fun, him bein' all scared of me and shit._ Danny suppressed his grin and put his hands up in a gesture of peace. "I just wanted to talk to ya for a second is all. Y'alright?"

"Y-yeah. W-w-why did you w-want to t-talk to me?" Adam attempted to assume a casual pose of leaning against the table, but his palm was so sweaty that it slipped off the edge and he fell to the floor. Danny moved forward to help him up, but he jumped up quickly, smoothing the front of his labcoat and adjusting his collar. "I'm fine. I'm good! No problem," he waved Danny off.

_Y'know, it's almost worth the embarrassment of him tellin' Montana I was jerkin' it over **him** instead of **her**. _"Y'know the other day… when you uh, found me in the bathroom?" He made a vague pumping gesture with his right hand. _Yeah, like he's gonna forget. Eesh._

"Uh huh," he nodded nervously, trying to find a place to put his hands that wouldn't lead to another fall to the floor.

"That wasn't what you thought it was."

Adam's face registered total disbelief.

"Ok, well **that** was what you thought it was," Danny admitted, "but I mean… I was thinkin' of a _chick_ when I was doin' that." The sight of Adam's still skeptical expression encouraged him to continue. "I ain't gay." _Who the hell figured **I'd** ever have to clarify that point?_

Adam looked at Danny as if trying to judge the veracity of his statement. "Well, what about when you made out with Flack?" he pointed out, reasonably.

_Made out…!_ "I didn't **make out** with him! That wasn't **making out**! That was … it was just a stupid kiss!" _I should really just learn to keep my mouth to myself around here._ "It was a gag! A joke! I just wanted to freak him out a little!"

"Uh huh. Alright, so who was the girl?"

"Huh?"

"The one you were thinking about in the bathroom the other day."

_Quick! Think fast! You can't say Montana, it'll get around too quick. _"Montana." _Shit. Thanks a fuckin' lot, brain. You really did a great job there._

"Oh reeeeeeally?" Adam grinned. Now _this_ was material he could work with.

"If you're done learning about Danny's personal life, I could do with some information on that print," Mac said from the hallway. Adam snatched his results from the printer and Danny looked sheepish. Mac raised an eyebrow.

"I'll just…" Danny gestured.

"You do that," Mac replied.


	70. Prove It!

**Chapter Seventy: Prove it!**

Lindsay Monroe was still arguing with her roommate the next morning as she got ready for work. She'd drawn a late shift today, so she had plenty of time to inform Jess of exactly why she was wrong in thinking that her outing with Danny had been a date.

"_First_: it was a friendly drink under friendly circumstances, just as has happened many times before," she ticked off one finger. _And for once, it didn't end in actual drunkenness and a hangover that made me want to die._

Jess looked bored and dipped her spoon back into her Cheerios, reading the back of the box and ignoring Lindsay completely.

"_Second_," Lindsay ticked a second finger and then smacked her friend on the back of the head causing her to spill her cereal all over the table, "Hey! I'm talking here!"

"Yeah, but I get enough bullshit when I grade freshman papers for the class I'm TAing. I don't need to get more of it over my breakfast," Jess calmly replied, wiping up the milk with the sleeve of her sweater. She'd borrowed it from Lindsay the night before.

_Bullshit? Why that little…!_ "This isn't bullshit! It's fact." Lindsay lifted a spoonful of Raisin Bran and jabbed it at her friend. "Now, as I was saying, _second:_ Danny likes his women to be tall, dark, and gorgeously Italian. I'm short, mousy, and cute on a good day." _And this is me with my self-esteem at a fairly high point. Eesh. _

Jess snorted and went back to reading the box. "Moo."

"_Third_:" Lindsay continued, gritting her teeth and determined to drive her point home, even if she had to do it with a makeshift stake to the heart, "There is absolutely none of this 'unresolved sexual tension' you keep going on about. I'm not attracted to Danny Messer, except as a friend and coworker." _…and occasional masturbatory aid, but she doesn't need to know that._

Jess raised an eyebrow. "We're out of milk. Think you could refill the carton for me?" she asked, holding it up to Lindsay's chest.

………

Danny and Hawkes entered the kitchen of the Grandview Regent and paused at the sight of what was being cooked up for dinner. _Maggots, cockroaches, creepy crawlies… Damn. Who knew I could eat like the rich by eatin' all the shit you find on a really gross corpse?_

"Think what you want, Detective," said the chef who was catering this crazy 'food'fest, "but my guests pay $10,000 _a plate_ to eat at these events." He picked up a bowl full of something mildly distressing to view. "They're Peruvian centipedes. Last night was exotic seafood, tonight's event: creepy crawlers. Do you want to try one?" he offered to Hawkes who had bent down over the bowl to better investigate the weird shit that rich people do when they're bored.

"Nooo, I just ate," he quickly answered.

"Yeah, they're not for everyone," the chef answered, a sympathetic look on his face. Then he offered the bowl to Danny.

_Uh uh. No way is some sissy kitchen boy makin' **me** sweat it. _He laughed. "When on the Upper East Side…" he reached into the bowl and pulled out one of the fat, wriggling, many-limbed insects. Dropping it directly into his mouth, he began chewing. _Ok, this isn't so… aw fuck, I can feel it… Shit, that tickles in a really gross way. _His face sickened slightly, but he was determined to finish it off. _God, it's like it's trying to crawl down my throat! Thank got the little fucker can't bite. _Hawkes watched him, unable to believe the stupid stunts his friend would pull not to lose face.

"Tastes just like chicken, right?" asked the chef?

"Not really," Danny answered, mouth still full. _Unless the chicken in question was real unhealthy._ He spent the rest of the interview chewing.

………

Flack stood on a busy New York sidewalk trying to find one young girl in a crowd of hundreds. Sometimes, he really wasn't paid enough. Finally, he saw her duck out of a doorway. She took one look at him, grinned, and took off.

He really hated it when they ran.

Chasing after her, he repeatedly told her to stop while calling for backup. She just kept weaving between people and into traffic before finally trying to reach for a gun in her pocket. A patrolman across the street fired and grazed her arm, allowing Flack to capture her.

"Get her in cuffs!" he ordered the other cop as he searched her. He pulled a water gun from her pocket. "Are you kidding me?" he yelled at her. She just looked confused as she was placed under arrest. "You run from a fuckin' _cop_ and reach for a piece, and it's a _water gun_?" If it hadn't been evidence, he'd have thrown it full force at the ground in anger and disgust. "You coulda got yourself killed, you stupid…" he threw his hands in the air, helplessly. "Do you have _any_ idea how incredibly, _fucking_ **dumb** that was?" She was starting to cry now, but he was too angry to care. "Get her out of my face," he finished in disgust.

………

_Water gun wars… Hmm. I'd definitely have to up my time at the range to improve my aim a bit, but… I wonder if I could get Mac to sign off on it. Purely intra-office, of course. Nothing outside of the building. I'd love to get Sid or Marty as a target. Hide inside one of the morgue freezers and shoot him when he opens the door. Adam would be fun, too, jumpy as he is. And Danny… well, he always sings in the shower. He'd never hear me coming. _

………

_It's always good to celebrate a case that's solved. Motivates you to solve the next one, right?_ Danny started unpacking the take out containers he'd brought into the break room.

"Alright, I got meal worm spaghetti, stink bug pate, cricket croquets, braised ant bruchetta, Thai dragonflies…" his coworkers all registered looks of bemusement and/or disgust as he listed the menu. "Who's goin' first?" _C'mon, Montana. Don't disappoint me, here. _

"You've gotta be kidding," Stella protested.

"Pass!" Flack said with a wide grin.

"Mmm-mmm."Hawkes dissented.

Mac merely looked around at his detectives and waited for the inevitable.

"It's just protein," Lindsay shrugged and reached out for a deep-fried tarantula. She bit into it with gusto. _Hmm. Crunchy. _

Flack was horrified, yet impressed. Hawkes was curious. Stella was disgusted. Mac, however… Mac was amused. "Told ya she'd do it," he said, holding his hand out to Danny.

_Wait… what?_ Lindsay looked up at the pair of them with her mouth still full. _They **bet** on me?_ She grinned. _See? Danny **can't** be that interested, or he'd know me better than to take that action._

"Alright, alright," he laughed resignedly, handing Mac a $20.

"Okay! Pizza in my office," Mac said with a grin. It's good to be right.

"You bet Mac I wouldn't do it?" Lindsay asked as the rest of their coworkers filed out of the break room. _What on Earth were you thinking, Messer?_

"Yeah, what was I thinkin', bettin' against a country girl?" _Shoulda known better than to bet Montana wouldn't do somethin'._ He sat down on the stool next to her in front of their buggy banquet.

_It's a little dry, but I could get used to it. _"You know, it's actually not that bad," Lindsay gestured to her skewered spider.

"Try it with some," Danny reached across the table for the container, "grasshopper chutney." He watched in awe as she did just that. _Man, you just can't phase her, can ya?_ He smiled at her, admiringly. _Never met another girl like her, that's for sure._

_Ooh… that handles the dryness perfectly!_ She made appreciative noises as she crunched on her now-topped delicacy.

"Wasp tamale?" Danny offered, getting into the spirit of things.

"Don't mind if I do," _Eat one bug, you've eaten them all, right?_

"Centipedes are the best," Danny said, popping one into his mouth with a flourish. _Definitely better when they're dead. None of the wrigglin' around and stuff. _

Lindsay laughed. "You eat this sort of thing often, do you?"

"At $10,000 a plate, it's a real bargain, ain't it? Where else can you get cockroaches a la crème?" _Except at a bakery that didn't pass its health inspection, maybe._

"Oh, maybe at a particularly unsanitary dairy?" she grinned.

_Reads my fuckin' mind. _He laughed with her, chowing down on more things that would send most of his previous girlfriends into fits.

………

"You really didn't need to take me home, Danny," Lindsay smiled. _But it really was quite sweet of you._

_Twice in one week we end up on a non-date. I'm gonna do what I didn't do last time. _"What can I say? I'm a gentleman," he smirked.

"Uh huh. Riiight," she laughed. _And I'm the Queen of bloody England, too. But you wouldn't be **you** if you were a gentleman._

"I'll walk you up. Make sure you get in okay. New York ain't Montana," he guided her up the steps with his hand on her elbow. _C'mon, let's get ya to your door so I can kiss y'already._

"I'd noticed that, actually," _with my finely trained CSI observational skills, I've more than once noticed the lack of wheat fields and clean air and sky. _ They made their way up the stairs of her walkup in relative silence. _He doesn't think that way about me. Not at all. _Lindsay argued silently with Jess, in her mind. _And I'll prove it, too._ "Well, this is my place," she said nervously, indicating the apartment number on the door.

"I remember, from that party you had way back when," _When you broke your bed with that huge guy who likes women's clothes._ "That was a good time. You should do that again." _Just lean on in there, and go for it. _He didn't move. _C'mon man! Fuckin' **kiss her** already!_

_Just go for it. You'll prove your point and that'll be the end of it._ "Maybe we will." _It's not like it's hard or anything. Just **do it!** _"Well, anyway. Goodnight."

Lindsay put her key in the door and turned it, then just as Danny thought she was going to enter her apartment and he'd choked on his latest opportunity to wow her with his kissing prowess, she turned back to him and grabbed him by the front of his jacket. Her face was etched with determination as she leaned in and closed her eyes.

_You can do this, Lindsay. C'mon girl!_

_Holy shit! Montana's gonna kiss me! Be cool. Stay calm. And do a better fuckin' job of it than last time!_

Their lips met, cautiously at first, and then with more confidence. His hands rested on her hips, then made their way around her waist and she lost her grip on his lapels as her arms moved up and around his neck. He groaned as her tongue slipped out and touched his lips with a feathery softness and she whimpered when he opened his mouth and tasted her in return. He pulled her even tighter to him and she pressed herself flush against his chest, making him wish that they didn't have coats on, or any other clothing for that matter.

Then, as soon as it started it was over. She pulled back and bit her bottom lip, eyes wide and face flushed. She had to push him a bit to loosen his grip on her body.

"Well, that was…" _Amazing. Phenomenal. One of the best kisses I've ever had in my entire life. _"…weird." Lindsay said and smiled awkwardly while adjusting her clothing. "Sorry about that."

_Weird? Are you kiddin' me? It was hotter than half of the **sex** I've had. And I've had a lot of fuckin' sex! _"Uh. Yeah." He ran his hands through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, licking his lips and tasting her on them. "No problem." He peered at her again, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. "Well. I'll uh. See ya tomorrow, Montana."

"See you tomorrow, Messer."


	71. Aftermath

**Chapter Seventy-One: Aftermath**

_Holy shit!_ Lindsay closed the door behind herself and pressed the fingers of one hand against her mouth.

"Hey Linds!" Jess and Sheldon waved from the couch where they were watching a movie. Lindsay desperately hoped it wasn't Mission Impossible again.

Her eyes wide and her breath still coming a bit quickly, Lindsay tried to get control of herself. "Hey guys!" _Okay. **Okay.** I kissed Danny. I kissed Danny and I really… **really** liked it. _She licked her lips and could still feel them tingling with aftershocks. _And now I somehow need to talk to Jess without letting Hawkes know what's up. _She slowly hung up her jacket and scarf as she thought. _I need something subtle. Something that won't make him suspicious. _She bit her lip in concentration.

"Jess could you come here for a minute?" _Good! That's good. Nothing damning in that sentence._

"Wait a sec? I love this part!" she snuggled closer into Sheldon and grinned as she watched the screen.

_No! No seconds! I need girl talk **now**!_ "Is it a long part? Only it's kinda important is all." Lindsay fidgeted in the hallway next to the kitchen.

"Shh!" Jess hushed her, still engrossed in her movie.

"I really…" Jess quieted her with a gesture that won't be repeated here. Lindsay looked around desperately, trying to think of something, _anything_ that would get her friend's attention. "Oh my god! The kitchen's on fire!" she shrieked, pointing into the next room.

"**What!**" That got Jess' attention, but it also got Hawkes'. They immediately vacated the couch and went into crisis-handling mode, Jess pulling Lindsay away from the doorway and Sheldon arming himself with a fire extinguisher they kept on top of the fridge.

Quickly glancing around the room and totally failing to see flames of any variety, Sheldon turned around to question Lindsay, "Where's the…" there was no sign of either woman in the doorway or the hall, just the faint sound of Lindsay's bedroom door clicking shut. Sighing, he replaced the fire extinguisher on top of the fridge and went back to the living room to rewind the tape for his girlfriend. He decided he might as well make some more popcorn, too, while he was at it.

………

Danny took a deep breath as he punched in the numbers on his phone. _Weird? That was… weird? I'm a **weird** kisser? _He swore under his breath, then held the phone to his ear and waited as it rang.

"Bonasera."

He rubbed a hand through his hair and licked his lips before blurting out, "Was it weird when I kissed ya?" _Way to be subtle, man. Nice one._

"Danny?" Stella asked, mildly confused.

"Yeah. Hi. So was it?" _C'mon man! You're smoother than this!_

"Was it weird?" she paused as she considered. "Well, I guess so, yeah."

"Great." _I kiss weird. That's just fan-fuckin'-tastic._

"The kiss, itself, was really good. I'll give you that. Definitely up there in terms of overall ranking," she assessed critically.

"Ranking?" _What? It's like an Olympic sport now? Did I end up with a 1.5 from the Russian judge or somethin'?_ "You keep a tally, do ya?" he smirked.

"You know what I mean," he could actually _hear_ her rolling her eyes. "It was just weird because you're like my kid brother or something. You're not someone I think about kissing like that, so when we did it was… well, weird."

_So Montana thinks I'm like a brother? You've gotta be kiddin' me!_ "Huh. I guess that makes sense."

"Why the sudden interest in your kissing ability?" she asked slyly.

_Think fast._ "Just takin' an informal survey, is all."

"Have you called Flack yet?"

"I'm hanging up, now."

………

"**What the hell are** mmfffmmvphhmmpbbt!" Lindsay covered her roommate's mouth with her hand.

"Shh! I need you to promise to be quiet, ok?" _Please don't blurt out anything that Hawkes can hear?_

Jess glared at her. "Mmmffpt!" Lindsay cautiously removed her hand and waited to see if the yelling would start again. "What the hell are you doing, Lindsay?" Jess asked again, this time in a harsh whisper. "'The kitchen's on fire?' What the hell was that?"

_Not my most subtle move ever?_ "I need to talk to you and you wouldn't leave your stupid movie!"

"I'll have you know that The Fifth Element is a cinematic masterpiece with…"

"I kissed Danny."

"…**holy **mmfffmmbbt!" Jess raised her hands in mute apology and Lindsay removed hers from Jess' mouth. "Sorry, but, my God woman! You did what?"

_Breathe. Deep, slow breaths. _Lindsay started walking around the room, gesturing wildly and trying not to hyperventilate. "I kissed Danny. I just… I kissed him! I grabbed and just planted on right on him. Right on the kisser. With kissing. And lips. And wow with the tongue, and there was … mouth. And kissing. Danny. Ki…"

Jess grabbed her gently by her upper arms and shook her. "Snap out of it, Linds!"

Lindsay shook her head and tried to focus. "Right. Sorry. It was just…" _Breathe. Remember to breathe and everything else will be fine. Somehow. _

"Okay, now. You kissed…" Jess trailed off as Lindsay appeared about to hyperventilate again. "You did that. And it was…" she waited not-at-all-patiently to hear the juicy details.

Lindsay covered her face in her hands and whispered so quietly it was barely audible, "Fantastic." _Until I opened my big, stupid mouth._

Jess clapped and bounced up and down. "Yes! I _knew_ it would be!"

"…but I told him it was weird and I apologized." _Like the ginormous moron that I am._

"…you did **what** now?" Jess asked in a flat voice bordering on menacing.

Lindsay started hitting herself in the forehead with the palm of her hand. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she repeated with each smack. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"Quite possibly, yes," Jess remarked with equanimity.

Lindsay glared at her friend, "Thanks for your wonderful support in this, my hour of need." _I really need better friends._

"**But** at least it wasn't a total loss."

"What do you mean?"

"Now we know that I was right about you two," Jess smirked with self-satisfaction.

Lindsay hit her in the fact with a pillow. "Go back to your cinematic masterpiece." _Having a mental breakdown alone is much preferable than having someone gloat about telling you so. Plus, this way I won't have to share the ice cream I'll be indulging in shortly._


	72. Practice Makes Perfect

**Author's Note: **I wrote a chapter in the Naughty Bits in which it's determined that the kiss wasn't really weird, but the situation of kissing a friend was. Therefore, it was reasoned, they should just practice kissing more often in order to make it less weird. On that note, I present...

**Chapter Seventy-Two: Practice Makes Perfect**

Danny knocked on Lindsay's door the next morning with muffins in one hand and coffee in the other. _C'mon, Montana. Let's get practicin'!_ He bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited for the door to open.

Lindsay padded to the door in a tanktop and boxer shorts, still trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes. _Who the **hell** knocks on a person's door at this ungodly hour on a **Saturday**?_ She brushed her hair out of her eyes and yawned, glancing at the time on the microwave as she passed the kitchen. 8:17. _I didn't even know that 8:17 **existed** on a Saturday morning. _She flipped the locks on the door and grumbled to herself.

Danny grinned as the door opened, but his smile froze as it was immediately shut again, right in his face. _What the...?_

_Oh my god! What's he doing here?_ Lindsay looked around for something to put on over top of her pyjamas but found only her jacket. She finger-combed her hair in the hallway mirror and despaired her puffy eyes and lack of makeup. _Hasn't he heard of **calling** before coming over? Shit._ Taking a deep breath, she opened the door again and attempted a weak smile.

"Hi," she said, waving awkwardly and tightening the belt on her jacket.

_Damn, why'd she have to cover up like that?_ "Uh, hey Montana," Danny said, still looking rather confused. "Y'alright?"

"Yup. Fine. Good. You?" she looked over her shoulder to make sure that Jess and Hawkes were still asleep. _I really don't want to have to explain to Hawkes why Danny is showing up at my door early on a Saturday morning. _

Danny looked over her shoulder too, but didn't see anything. "I'm good. You sure you're okay?" _She's actin' kinda weird, even for her. Maybe she's still freaked about the kissin' thing?_

"Yeah, I'm just…" she heard the sound of Jess' door opening and immediately pushed Danny back into the hallway and followed him out there, closing the door behind her. _Shit, shit, shit. _

"Uhh… I think it'd be easier to eat this in there," Danny gestured with the coffee tray.

"Shh! Keep your voice down!" Lindsay whispered. She opened the door a crack and listened carefully. _Just go back to bed. That's all I ask. _

"What's goin' on?" Danny whispered back. _What? Her parents are here or somethin'? Eesh. _

Lindsay held up a finger to quiet him as she listened to the toilet flush and then footsteps lead back to Jess' room. She poked her head back into her apartment and looked around carefully before tiptoeing inside and gesturing Danny to follow her. _God, I feel like I'm in high school again, trying to sneak a boy into my bedroom. _

They made it into her bedroom without further incident and she locked the door behind them and let out a breath. _Oh, thank god. _She turned to face a hugely-grinning Danny who was now lounging on her bed. She rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to sleep with you, Danny," she told him flat out.

_Not yet, maybe. _"Who said anythin' about sleepin'?" he smirked.

"Shut up and turn around," she twirled a finger. _Last thing I need is to be half-naked on my bed with Danny Messer. _

His brow wrinkled. "Why?"

"So I can get dressed."

A slow grin spread across his face again, "I'd rather watch." _Or help. _

"You can leave this apartment through the front door, or I can push you out the window. Your choice," she replied with a smirk of her own.

He raised his hands in defeat, "Fine, fine. Not like you got anythin' I haven't seen before, anyway." _'Course I still wanna see it, but she don't need to know that just yet. _

"Wanna bet?" _My tattoo would probably be a bit of a surprise._ She grabbed a bra and underwear from her drawer, trying to keep them from his view, and then opened the closet door to give her extra cover as she got dressed.

_Black lace, eh Montana? Niiiice. _Danny licked his lips and tried to watch her out of the corner of his eye. "So, what's with all the whisperin' and tiptoein' around, anyway?"

"Hawkes is here," came the muffled reply as Lindsay pulled a shirt over her head. "I really don't want to have to explain to him why you decided to come over at 8:30 on a Saturday morning." _Of course, now I'm going to have to explain why he's **in my room** at 8:30 on a Saturday morning. God, I wish my brain worked better before coffee. _

"Ouch. Good point." _That's a rumour that'd go around the lab faster than beer through a kidney. _He held up a coffee as she emerged from her closet dressed in jeans and a sweater. "Coffee?"

"**Yes.**" _Oh, thank god. _She took the cup and sipped it reverently. "So… why **are** you here at 8:30 on a Saturday morning, anyway?" _Is he trying to butter me up to take his shift or something?_

Danny leaned back against the wall and took a sip of his own coffee. "Just wanted to get some practice in before I go to work," he said reasonably.

She looked past where he was sitting on the bed and noticed her vibrator poking out from behind her pillow. Her eyes widened and she swallowed a very large sip of coffee, burning her throat. _Oh shit._ She hurried over to the bed and jumped onto it beside him, pulling the pillow close to her and hiding the sex toy. _Please god, don't let him have noticed that. _"Practice?" she asked in a strangled voice.

_Damn, she sure is eager to start, ain't she?_ "Mmhmm," he took her cup from her hand and placed both of their coffees on the bookshelf at the end of her bed. "Practice." Leaning over, he cupped her cheek in his hand and looked her in the eyes, "Just like you suggested yesterday."

_I did what? When? _"I… I suggested… practicing?" Lindsay gulped as Danny leaned ever closer, his lips almost touching hers now. _He's going to kiss me. Danny Messer is going to kiss me, and I really want him to. Wow. _

_She's so cute when she's all nervous like that. _"Well, I guess **I** suggested practicin'… but you agreed with me."

"I-I did?" her voice was breathy with excitement and she could feel her eyes closing in anticipation.

"Mmhmm," he nodded slowly and brushed his lips softly across hers. _Fuck, her lips are so soft._

Lindsay moaned and pressed her lips more solidly against his, lifting her hand to brush his forearm. _He's definitely getting better at this than that first time in the lab. _

They both jumped at the knock on her door.

"Hey Linds?"

Lindsay gulped and looked at Danny in a panic. He just grinned at her and leaned back against the wall with his hands behind his head. She glared at him. _Dumbass._ "Uh, yeah Jess?"

"Shel and I are making breakfast, you want some?"

Danny smirked, confident that he was definitely superior to breakfast. _I've already got that covered, honey. _

_Wipe that cocky smirk off your face, Messer. I make like kissing you, but that doesn't mean you win. _"Sure, I'll be right out after I get dressed."

"K, I'll tell him to whip up some more pancakes."

_Wait, what?_ "Montana?" Danny looked at her in confusion. _I thought we were practicin'?_

"Sorry, Danny, but you have to go." Lindsay stood up and handed him his bag of muffins and cup of coffee. _Always remember: I'm the one in charge._

"Go? How? Hawkes is out there!"

"I told you there were two ways out of here," Lindsay grinned. She went to her window and pulled up the blind. "You're just lucky that I've got a fire escape."

"You've gotta be kiddin' me!" _What am I? 15?_

"See you later, Romeo!" She opened the window with a flourish. "Happy trails!"

"But… we were practicin'!" he said in consternation.

"And now we're not," she confirmed with a satisfied smile. "Have a good day at work," she hustled him over the sill.

"But…"

"Bye Danny!" she closed the window and waved to him through the glass. _Next time, show up at a decent hour. _

Danny sighed and started on his way down the fire escape. _That went a lot better, in my head. _


	73. Relationships

**Author's Note: **Ok, I've seen the season premiere, and so I can now write and not worry about spoilers in the reviews. I have to wait a day or two to watch the episodes because it isn't aired here, and I need to download them from the internet.

Well, that and I honestly had no ideas for what I wanted to write next. It's like, now that they've kissed, I've sort of lost interest. Gasp! I'll try to hold out until I decide on a way to finish this, but I've long since concluded that I can't write it out for the entire season. That's why I got them to kiss already instead of after Sid mentions Danny's crush in the show, which was something like episode 20 or 22. If I waited that long, I'd be well over 100 chapters by the time the smoochies happened. I decided to have mercy on us all and speed things up.

**Chapter Seventy-Three: Relationships**

"So things with you and Judy are going well, are they?" Stella asked Sid over the body of a hit and run victim.

Danny made a derisive noise and then covered it with a cough when Stella glared at him. _What? Like it's **normal** for **Sid** to have more luck with the ladies than **me**?_

"Marvelously!" Sid enthused. "I'm quite taken with her, as you already know, but she apparently possesses similar feelings toward me!" His chest puffed out with pride.

"Aww, Sid, how could she not?" Stella smiled, amused by the waves of happiness radiating off of the ME.

"Well, I admit that I'm not her usual type," he said with a slight bow of the head. "A woman like her can have any man she chooses, you know." Stella and Danny nodded, the former being quite interested in what Sid had to say and the latter trying not to bust a gut with his contained laughter. "Of course, she usually chose men with whom she worked because of the ease of meeting them and the fact that they understood her lifestyle, but…"

_Oh god. Please don't tell me that Sid decided to dress up like a woman for his woman._ Danny squeezed his eyes shut over the mental image. _Shit, that one's gonna haunt me for a while._

Stella, sensing where this story was going and noticing Danny's look of pain, decided to bring things to a halt before they got any unfortunate confirmations about Sid's free time. "But when faced with a man like Sid Hammerbach, she was unable to resist."

"So few women can," Sid nodded.

"Speaking of women," Danny interrupted, trying to keep things moving _away_ from Sid's sex life, "tell us about this one." He gestured to the young woman lying on the medical examiner's table.

………

Hawkes kissed Jess goodbye on his way out the door. "I'll pick you up at 8?"

"Sounds like a plan," she smiled back, giving him one last kiss before closing and locking the door behind him.

_They're so cute, I need to vomit._ Lindsay had watched them throughout breakfast, seeing how Jess gave him her egg yolks and how he cut the crusts off her toast for her. She watched as they moved around each other in the kitchen as smoothly as clockwork, and they didn't even notice. "You two are getting pretty serious," she remarked.

"Who? Me and Shel?" Jess looked at her roommate in surprise. "Well, I guess kinda. We've been going out for a while now." She sipped her coffee and started counting on her fingers. "About 7 or 8 months, I think."

"You seem really happy with him," Lindsay smiled. _They really are just perfect for each other._

"I am," Jess beamed. "He's such a sweetheart."

"And it doesn't hurt that the sex is good?" Lindsay grinned, deviously.

"And it really doesn't hurt that the sex is fan-bloody-tastic, exactly," Jess laughed back. "Speaking of… who was that I saw creeping down the fire escape this morning?" She raised an eyebrow at her friend.

………

"… uh huh. Yeah. See ya tonight," Don said into his cellphone before closing it and smiling wide.

"Your mom makin' ya dinner again?" Danny grinned.

"Hahaha," Flack replied in a monotone. "I'll have you know that was my _girlfriend_ I was talkin' to."

Danny snorted. "You got a girlfriend now?" _How is **he** able to get the girl, and I'm not?_ "Did Hell freeze over, already?"

"Nah, I just worked my own little miracle," Flack smirked, "Chicks can't resist the Flack Attack," he polished his fingernails on his shirt and regarded them.

Mac walked by on his way to his office and heard this last line. "Are you really sure you want to compare your charms to anti-aircraft fire?" he asked as he passed. He patted Flack on the shoulder and shook his head a little.

"I… but…" Flack was flummoxed. "C'mon, Mac! You know what I mean!" he called after the retreating figure. Mac just offered him a wave without turning around.

_Nice one, Mac!_ Danny leaned on his friend for support as he laughed. "So ya just shoot 'em down and hunt out the bodies, eh?"

Flack took a deep breath and started to count to ten. It was going to be one of those days.

………

_Does the woman see **everything**? She's worse than Mac!_ "There was someone on the fire escape this morning?" Lindsay tried to look worried, which wasn't hard considering Jess had just 'caught' her and Danny. "We should call the cops."

Jess smirked, "Uh huh. I'm pretty sure it _was_ the cops, Linds." She took a sip of coffee and smiled over the rim of the cup. "So, are you and Danny a thing now?" Her smile was wide and her eyes showed her approval.

_Interesting question._ "I'm not really sure, actually." _Do I **want** us to be a thing?_

"What do you mean, you're not sure? How complicated is it? Either you're a thing or you're not." Jess pointed out rather reasonably.

_Right. Cuz it's just that easy. _"Well, there's been kissing."

"I know. You told me last night when you claimed the kitchen was on fire."

_Not my most shining of moments, I know._ "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Pretty much."

"Great."

"Don't change the subject."

………

"What do you think?" Hawkes asked Stella as he showed her something.

"Oh!" she gasped and placed one hand over her heart as her face softened and tears sprang into her eyes. "Sheldon, it's beautiful!" She reached out a hand to touch it.

"Do you think she'll like it?" he asked, nervously.

"She'll _love_ it!" Stella smiled reassuringly. "Any woman would." She touched it again, not quite believing her eyes. "When are you going to give it to her?"

Hawkes shuffled nervously from one foot to the other. "Tonight. I made reservations at Aix Brasserie."

Stella whistled, "I'm impressed."

"She's always wanted to go there, so…"

"Yeah, you're going to be just fine."

………

_Here goes my peace and quiet for the weekend._ "Alright, fine. He showed up this morning with coffee and muffins and a request to… practice." _God, it sounds so dorky when I just repeat it like that._ Lindsay covered her face with her hands.

"Practice? As in…"

"As in practice kissing so that it stops being weird," Lindsay mumbled out from behind her hands. _Which it stopped being about a millisecond into it._

Jess laughed, "Oh, he's good."

"Ohhh yeah," Lindsay agreed with a happy sigh. _Really, really, **really **good._

"So you're a thing, then," Jess shrugged.

"Well…"

"He obviously wants you to be. And you…" Jess looked searchingly into her friends face. "Oh no. Nonono. _Please_ tell me you're not doing that 'Is this really what I want?' thing!" Now it was Jess' turn to bury her face in her hands.

_She really needs to call up Miss Cleo and get a job with her or something._ "Maybe I am," Lindsay replied defensively. "There's nothing wrong with thinking things over and being sure."

Jess looked up and implored the ceiling, "Why me?"

Lindsay stuck her tongue out.


	74. Trial Run

**Chapter Seventy-Four: Trial Run**

Lindsay leaned against the subway sign and waited. _For a 'bad boy' he's utterly predictable._ She looked at her watch, 6:43. _Any second now…_ She looked up and smirked as Danny rounded the corner, buttoning his jacket as he walked. _Bingo!_

Danny did up the last button and then looked up as he was about to descend the steps to the subway. _Holy …!_ "Montana? What're you doin' here?" he asked, completely confused. _She throws me out of her apartment window in the mornin' and meets me after work 10 hours later? How does this make sense?_

_He's pretty cute when he's confused._ Lindsay smiled, "I thought we might try a trial run."

"Trial run?" _Do we have some experiment goin' on at the lab that I forgot about?_

"Yeah. For you and me. Us. Together. As a thing," she gestured awkwardly between them. _Niiiice, Monroe. Very eloquent. _

_**We're** the experiment?_ "You're kiddin' me, right?" he laughed and moved past her to walk down into the subway.

She followed him and caught up to him on the platform. "Hey, you're the one who wanted to 'practice' kissing," she pointed out reasonably. "I want to practice dating." _**Dating** Danny, how weird is that?_

_You can **practice** that?_ "I'll bite. How the hell do ya practice _datin'_?" _And will it eventually let us 'practice' sex?_ He gave her a sexy smile as that thought occurred to him. _Hmm… let's hear her out on this one._

Lindsay bit her lip at the appearance of that smile. _That, right there, is why I'm giving this a shot. _"The same way you practice kissing. You do it and you see if it's weird, and then you try to make it un-weird." _Unless, of course, it's so weird that it would require a trip to the Twilight Zone for it to seem normal._

"I'm pretty sure that's not a word, there, Montana," he stepped aside to let her into the train before him, then motioned her into a seat while he stood in front of her. _Practice datin' sounds a lot like real datin'._

Lindsay rolled her eyes, "You know what I mean, Messer." _And that, right there, is why it's only practice. Jackass._

Danny licked his lips and pushed up his glasses before peering down at her carefully. _Damn, she's hot when she's pissed at me._ "Alright, Montana. We'll do it your way," he gave a half-hearted sigh to cover up his amusement. "What do we do, now?" _Find a nice, dark corner and make out for a couple hours?_

_Find someplace quiet and make out all night?_ "Now, we go out for dinner and a movie. Like normal people." _Like people who are not us._

"You mean people who ain't us," Danny rolled his eyes. _Dinner and a movie? People still do that?_

"Yes."

"Alright, have it your way."

………

"This food is terrible."

"It is not. It's _supposed_ to be like that."

"Food is not _supposed_ to be like this. _Nothing_ is _supposed_ to be like this!"

"Check, please!"

………

"I can't believe you got us kicked out of the theatre!"

"It was a **bad** movie!"

"That doesn't mean you have to stand up right in the middle of it and tell everyone to walk out!"

"I was making a statement!"

"Yeah, that you're nuts!"

………

"What's with the subway tonight?"

"I just asked one of the operators. There was a jumper on the tracks a few stations down. It's gonna be a while before this clears up."

"Perfect end to a perfect night."

"Wanna just walk home?"

"That's at least 15 blocks!"

"Exercise is good for the soul."

………

Lindsay looked up at the stairs leading to her apartment. _I just **had** to live in a walk-up, didn't I?_ She sighed and collapsed on the stoop.

Danny dropped down beside her. _I think I'm getting' why we need practice, now._ He grimaced as he looked back on their evening. It definitely wasn't one of the better dates he'd been on.

"Look, Montana …"

"Danny I…"

They looked at each other awkwardly and then both looked down to study their feet.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry 'bout that."

They laughed shakily as they cancelled out each other's apology.

_You can fix this, man. _"I guess I see your point about practicin'," Danny grinned self-consciously.

"Yeah," Lindsay replied, quietly. _Say something, damnit! Don't just sit there like a lump!_

_Hoo boy. _"I guess we're just not that great at first times, eh?" he joked.

Lindsay grinned, "Here's hoping that isn't true across the board." _I'm pretty sure that sex with Danny **can't** be bad, first time or no._

Danny raised his eyebrows and gave her a huge smile. "I'm completely willing to find out, any time you want to, Montana." _And I'll definitely bring my A game for ya._

_Down, girl._ "I think we've got enough to practice, already." Lindsay bit her lower lip and leaned toward Danny, smiling slightly. _What's a practice date without a practice goodnight kiss, right?_

_She read my mind._ Danny leaned back toward her and cupped her cheek in his hand, letting his fingers get tickled by her hair. He watched as her eyes closed and her lips parted, and then his closed to and their lips met.

At first, the kiss was soft, just a gentle pressing of their lips together. Soon, their mouths were moving hard and fast against each other, opening and closing around their tangled tongues. His fingers tightened in the hair on the back of her head. Her hands clenched the collar of his jacket. Moans and gasps escaped them each time they paused for a second to get a breath.

_Wow, practice definitely makes perfect_ Lindsay thought as she resisted the urge to crawl onto his lap. They were, after all, on the outside stoop of her apartment.

Danny growled in the back of his throat as he fought the desire to push her down and take her right there. Steps may _seem_ like a passionately romantic location for sex, but really they're just awkward and painful. _God, I need to feel her. _He started to struggle with her jacket buttons.

Lindsay mewled a protest into his mouth and moved his hands away, then resumed kissing him just as deeply as before. _If he gets this coat off, there's no way we're stopping til we're naked. _She whimpered as his tongue invaded her mouth and showed her exactly what another part of his body wanted to do to her. _Oh god. _If her eyes had been open, they'd have rolled back into her skull. _Not on the first date. Not on the first date. Not on the first date._

_Holy shit she makes great sounds._ Danny kissed her with renewed energy, wanting to hear her whimper like that again. _This is even better than on the phone last night. _He shivered as he remembered her moans and gasps over the phone line, and he struggled to control himself as the moans and gasps he heard in person flooded his ears. _Wait a second…_

Breaking their lip lock and panting for breath, Danny smirked mischievously at a similarly-panting Lindsay. "You weren't really exercisin' last night, were ya?" _Montana, you little minx._ His grin broadened until it covered his whole face.

Lindsay hoped that her flushed face could be explained away by their kisses. "Of course I was," she stated emphatically. "In fact, I should probably get upstairs and get my cardio in before it gets too much later." _Did I mention that I just now named my vibrator 'Cardio'?_

_Alright, fine. Whatever. I won't push… for now._ "Ya sure ya don't want to do some more practisin'?" Danny wondered if he looked as desperately hopeful as he felt.

_I'm sure that I **do**, which is why I'm going to go inside before things get out of hand._ "I'm sure." She gave him one last chaste kiss on the lips and pulled back before he could deepen it. "See you around, Messer."

"Count on it, Monroe."


	75. Indecent Proposal

**Author's Note:** Just a little FYI, there's a (slightly OOC, possibly) chapter in the Naughty Bits… of course, this entire fic is fairly OOC, so I probably didn't need to specify that :D It's even Danny/Lindsay. Huzzah.

**Chapter Seventy-Five: Indecent Proposal**

Danny whistled cheerfully as he punched in his SMS message. _Alright, Montana. Time to submit to the Messer Magic._

**Montana,**

**Last night was great.**

**Really great.**

**Amazing, actually.**

**And you were pretty good, too ;)**

**What say we have another go at it tonight?**

**In person this time.**

**Your place or mine?**

He hit send then leaned back on his couch. He had a whole day off to remember what they'd done the previous night and think out exactly what he wanted to do the next time. _And the time after that. And the time after that…_

………

"Anybody seen Hawkes, today?" Flack called out to the lab at large. He turned left and right, mildly affronted by the fact that nobody even looked up from their work at his question.

"Yo! People!" he waved his arms a bit. Nothing.

Grumbling to himself, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his whistle, giving it a sharp blast. Heads turned toward him in surprise. "_Thank_ you. Now, has anybody seen Hawkes?" There was a general murmur of negatives and a consensus of head-shakes.

"Alright. That's all I wanted to know. As you were." He shook his head and rolled his eyes. "At least I didn't need to draw my gun."

………

"Hey Lindsay," Stella smiled and waved to her coworker as they met in the hallway. "What's up?" She studied the other woman's slightly worried countenance.

"Hmm?" Lindsay looked up distractedly from her cellphone. "Oh, hi Stella," she smiled weakly, "I'm just wondering what happened to my roommate. I haven't heard a word from her since yesterday afternoon." _I had phone sex with Danny last night. What the hell do I do now? I **need** my best friend, damnit!_

"Is that unusual?" Stella asked, trying to suppress her grin. She had a feeling that Jess and Hawkes were probably holed up somewhere and not coming out any time soon.

"Not really, no," Lindsay admitted, "But I left her a voicemail last night that was pretty important and she still hasn't called me back." She bit her lip and the crease between her eyebrows returned. _Maybe I should have just told her about it in the message instead of being vague. _

Stella immediately looked concerned, "Is everything alright?" she asked, putting a hand on Lindsay's shoulder.

_No, if Hawkes checked her messages for her, then it'd be all over the lab in five minutes flat._ "Huh?" Lindsay tried to drag herself back from her thoughts. "Oh, yeah. I just… needed some advice about something is all," she smiled again, trying to show Stella that she had everything under control. Instead, she gave the impression of teetering on the edge of madness. Or, you know, something like that.

"Well, if you need to talk, you know I'm here, too, right?"

_She's like the world's best big sister._ "Thanks, Stella. I might take you up on that." _Of course, she's Danny's big sister too… which sort of makes what we did incest. Ew. New thought, please!_

Stella watched as Lindsay's face went from appreciative to nauseated in a matter of a few seconds and decided not to stop the younger woman as she wandered off down the corridor in the direction of the bathrooms. "Huh. Maybe she's pregnant," Stella mused, momentarily before wandering into the opposite direction, to her office.

Adam's jaw dropped, as did the test tube he'd been holding in his hand. He swore as it broke on the floor and splattered on the toe of his shoe. Hopping around the lab on one foot as he tried to take off the quickly-disintegrating piece of footwear, he ran straight into Flack.

"Whoa, dude!" Flack raised his hands defensively. "What the hell?"

"I just dropped some acid," Adam replied distractedly, still trying to believe what he'd accidentally overheard.

"Y'know, that actually explains _a lot_," Flack said thoughtfully.

"What?" Adam gave him a strange look, then mentally replayed the last five seconds of conversation. "_On my foot!_ I just dropped some sulphuric acid on my foot. H2SO4, not LSD. I would never drop acid in the drug sense. I don't do drugs. I know what they do to eggs. Brains. Scrambled brains. Eggs. You know what I mean."

Flack blinked and shook his head quickly to clear it. "I really don't," he said with a look that clearly stated that he didn't want to, either. "_Anyway,_ have you seen Hawkes?"

Adam looked back down the hallway in the direction Lindsay had gone, "Nah, but his girlfriend is AWOL, too, and Lindsay really needs to talk to her because she thinks she might be pregnant." His eyes widened and he gasped and covered his mouth as he realized what he'd just said.

"Okay, tha- **what**?" Flack's eyebrows shot straight into his hairline. "**Who's** pregnant?"

"I… I don't know. I'm just… I can't…" Adam gulped a few times and stammered. "Please don't hurt me," he turned and ran from the room.

"What's with him?" Mac asked, jerking a thumb back in Adam's direction as he watched the tech flee down the hall.

Flack shifted uneasily for a moment, and then answered. "He dropped some acid."

Mac raised a brow and then nodded slowly. "You know, that explains _ a lot_."


	76. Where are They Now?

**Author's Note: **I'm still downloading episode 2 of this season, so please no spoilers in the reviews. Thanks. :D Also, I figured that I'd give the romantics in the audience a bit of squee. This is me going over the top… even for me. Also, this chapter officially puts me over the 100,000 word mark on FF. Not bad for 6 weeks, eh?

**Chapter Seventy-Six: Where are They Now?**

Jess was still marveling as they entered the taxi and Sheldon told the driver where to take them. She kept staring at her boyfriend in awe and wondering what could possibly happen next. She was fully realizing that telling a man like Sheldon Hawkes that you've never really been romanced by a boyfriend before is just _begging _ to be swept of your feet.

… all the way to France.

He'd picked her up at eight, just like he'd promised Saturday morning. What he hadn't included in his date description was the fact that she'd need a suitcase and a passport. Luckily, she had both. He packed her things for her while she watched him and blinked, not quite processing the fact that he'd managed to arrange for a few days off for himself so that he could take her to Provence to celebrate the end of her exams.

And she'd thought that dinner at a French _restaurant_ was a nice celebration. Well, when he went French, _il est vraiment allé en Français._

Her eyes widened as they drove up an elegant, hedge-lined lane to an elegant, blue-shuttered white manor house set back from the road.

"_Le Pigonnet, Monsieur et Madam. C'est de vingt trois Euros, s'il vous plait,_" the cab-driver said to Sheldon.

"_Merci beaucoup,_" he replied, handing over the money. Jess just shook her head. Shel was a constant surprise to her, and the fact that he seemed perfectly capable of speaking French was just the latest shock to her system.

A man in a black vest and trousers and a starched white shirt took their bags and led them to checkin to their room. After a whirlwind of impressions of rich upholstery, gilt-framed artwork, chandeliers, and highly polished surfaces, they were shown to their room which overlooked the gardens. Their porter left with a generous tip in his pocket and wished them a pleasant stay in heavily-accented English.

"So, what do you think?" Hawkes asked, grinning like a kid in a candy store.

Jess laughed helplessly and threw her arms around his neck. "I think that if I didn't love you before, I most definitely do now."

And then she kissed him.

………

"So, when you said you had reservations at Aix Brasserie…" Jess poked him in the ribs a while later.

Sheldon laughed and trailed a finger from her forehead, down her nose, and off her chin. "I never once said I meant the one in New York," he replied reasonably.

"Right. From now on, I'm going to require a mapped out location for our dates. What would you have done if I didn't have a passport?"

"I knew for a fact that you had one because you told me about going to Argentina last year for Carnivale."

"And if I couldn't find it?"

He gave her a long, skeptical look. "Jess. Sweetie. Honey." She raised an eyebrow at him as if to ask him what his point was. "I love you, but you're one of the most overly-organized people on the planet. If you can't find something, it's because it doesn't exist."

She opened her mouth to protest and then just had to laugh. "Alright, you might possibly have a point there. Maybe." Leaning up, she gave him a quick peck on the lips. "It's a good thing you're cute, or the fact that you know me so well would probably freak me out."

………

"Your amazingly wonderful, incredibly handsome and sexy, unbelievably thoughtful boyfriend whisks you away for a romantic vacation on the Riviera… and you check your phone messages while he's in the bathroom?" Sheldon asked as he looked over his girlfriend's shoulder. "Should I be worried?"

"Shh!" Jess hushed him, holding up a finger and frowning into the phone. She bit her lip and listened for another minute before turning it off. "Oh, what the hell has she done _now_?" she asked, rhetorically.

"Problem?" Shel asked, genuinely concerned.

Jess sighed and sat him down. "Remember how the kitchen was on fire the other night?"

………

"… and now, she's hyperventilating about some sort of crisis that happened last night, so either they finally gave in and did the horizontal mambo already, or she's about five seconds from doing just that and she needs me to help her justify having an orgasm," Jess concluded.

"Wow," Sheldon managed. "That's…"

"I know!"

"_About fucking **time!**_" he finally burst out.

Jess stared at him for a moment, not at all used to hearing him swear. Then they looked at each other and collapsed in laughter.

"I think I'd better find an internet café and send her an email telling her where I am and why I can't really help much right now. I should also beg her to forgive you for dragging her best friend away from her at a time when every woman really _needs_ her best friend the most." Jess pondered for a moment. "Actually, _you_should probably beg _me_ to forgive _you_ for dragging me away from her when she and Danny are _finally_ getting together. I've been waiting for this for months! **Months**!" She playfully slapped him on his solidly-muscled arms and chest a few times.

He laughed and pretended to be hurt while sliding a hand into his pocket. "Well, I was going to save this for a more romantic moment, but I guess I'll just have to use it to save my skin, instead."

Looking at her with a hopeful yet shy smile, Sheldon slid down onto one knee on the carpet in front of her. Jess' eyes opened wide and her breath caught in her throat as she realized the real reason for their trans-continental flight. Her right hand fluttered up and covered her mouth as she felt it drop open in shock.

"Jessica Erin McKinney," he said as he held up the small black velvet box. "Please forgive me for selfishly taking you away from your friend in her time of need. I just wanted to take you to a place as beautiful and unforgettable as you are to me so that I could kneel before you, a humble and hopeful man, and tell you how much I love you and want to be with you always." He opened the box to reveal a silver band with an opal surrounded by sapphires, her favourite stones. "Will you do me the honour of letting me tell you that every day, for the rest of my life?"

"Oh, Sheldon," Jess gasped and dropped to her own knees to embrace him in a kiss that took his breath away.

When they finally came up for air, he grinned at her. "So, I'm gonna take that as a yes, if that's alright with you?"

She grinned back and swatted him one more time. "Shut up and give me the ring, lover boy."


	77. Misconceptions

**Author's Note: **Episode 2: watched it, loved it. This chapter is named with a terrible pun, but I really couldn't help it. It's also longer than my usual, but it was going to be longer, so you lucked out. I took the shorter route. Also, lemme know if you want some Naughty Bits for the proposal chapter.

**Chapter Seventy-Seven: Misconceptions**

Danny hit his cellphone with the heel of his hand. _Stupid sonofa… _"What's wrong with this thing?" He shook it a bit and then checked it, again. Still no reply from Lindsay. _How the hell long does it take to type 'yours'? for fuck's sakes?_ He looked at his watch for what was probably the 100th time in the last 20 minutes and then whacked his phone again.

"Adam!" he jumped up from his seat, banging his knee on the underside of his desk in his haste to rush after the passing tech.

Adam spun around quickly and immediately got a shifty look in his eyes. "Uh, hi Danny. I have to go … over… there now," he said woodenly, pointing to the office notice board.

Danny gave him a strange look and then shook his head, not really wanting to spend the time trying to figure out the resident geek. "You're the nerdiest guy I know. Help me out willya?" _There's gotta be somethin' wrong with the phone. That's the only explanation._

Adam stared fixedly at the pictures of Hawkes and the Supremes (though not at the ones of him and Marilyn or of Danny and Flack kissing) and refused to meet Danny's eyes. "First of all, I'm a geek, not a nerd. There's a difference," he said in offended tones.

_Geek, nerd. Whatever. _"Yeah, yeah, and I'm sure it's a deep and important one, but I don't really care right now," Danny waved him off. "Look, you gotta check out my phone. I think there's somethin' wrong with it." _Why else wouldn't I have an answer yet?_

"It **is** a deep and important difference, thankyouverymuch, and **secondly**, I really can't talk to you," Adam replied, not really listening in his attempt not to blurt out the secret for the second time in ten minutes.

"Who asked you to talk?" Danny said sarcastically. "Talkin' ain't what I need. What I **need** is a ner… _geek_ to fix my phone." _Deep breaths. Play nice, and he'll do what you want. Be an ass, and he'll probably break the damned phone even more. _"… uhhh, and I know that you're the best one in the lab, so it has to be you. Really." He tried a smile to see if that might help.

Adam blushed a bit and shrugged his shoulders as he grinned modestly. "Well, I don't know about **best**… ok, yeah I am." Reaching over, he took the phone from Danny's hand and started fiddling with it. "What's wrong with it?"

_Yes! Flattery, baby. Works every time._ "It's not receivin' messages."

Adam looked at him with slightly raised eyebrows, "And you know for sure that you're _getting_ messages?"

_Cute. Real cute._ Danny gave him a rather eloquent look. 'I'm Danny Messer, of course I'm getting' messages,' it seemed to say. 'Now shut up and do your geek thing.' All Danny actually said was, "Fix it."

"Right." Adam spent a few minutes checking all of the settings and then took out his own cell and sent and SMS. Danny's phone immediately chirped. Adam looked at the detective apologetically. "Sorry Danny, but it looks like it's working fine."

_What the hell?_ Danny's brow wrinkled and he said to himself more than Adam, "Then why the hell hasn't she messaged me back, yet?"

"Who?"

"Hmm?" Danny looked up. _He's still here?_ "Oh, Montana."

"Maybe she's still in the bathroom with the morning sickness," Adam offered helpfully before clamping a hand over his mouth and opening his eyes wide.

"Morning…?" _Did he just say…?_ "Did you just say **morning sickness?**" Danny practically shouted.

"Gotta-go-bye!" Adam turned tail and ran down the hallway, skidding around the corner and wondering if he could convince Sid to hide him in a body bag for a while.

………

"You sure you should be drinkin' coffee in your condition, Lindsay?" Flack asked as he wandered in on her reading a casefile in the break room. As a detective, he knew that you usually got the most honest answer when a person wasn't expecting the question. He was 70 percent sure that it was Lindsay's roommate who was pregnant, but he wanted to be positive.

"My what?" Lindsay looked up and tried to focus her attention on Flack and away from her reading. "What condition?" she asked. _Do I have HORNY written on my forehead or something?_

"Y'know. Pregnant," Flack replied, calmly screwing the cap off of a bottle of water before taking a swig.

"Pregnant?" Lindsay blinked. _He thinks… Why does he… Where the **hell**_ _did **that **rumour come from?_

"So, you're not then?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd be the first to know," she answered. _Have I gained weight or something?_ She surreptitiously glanced down at her body, "Do I **look** pregnant?" _Maybe I really **should** start working out on the elliptical again._

"Nah, must be Jess who's knocked up," Flack nodded to himself and grabbed an apple off the table.

"**What?**" _Jess? Knocked…**what?** _

"Well, it was one or the other of you, and with Hawkes takin' her to France to pop the question, I kinda figured it was her." He bit into the apple with a large crunch and chewed for a minute. "Oh, you want one?" he asked with his mouth still full.

_I have **not** had enough coffee yet today to have this conversation._ "Hawkes did **what** now?"

"You didn't know?"

Lindsay shook her head mutely and tried to make her brain stop swimming in her skull.

"Yeah, I was lookin' for him this mornin' and Mac told me. Hawkes booked a few days off to take her to the Riviera or somethin' and ask her to marry him. You sure you don't want one of these? They're really good."

_Well, that'd be why she hasn't been around, then._ Lindsay shook her head again and gathered up her files. She needed to get away from Flack before he dropped another bomb on her head.

"Alright, well, see ya!" he called after her. "What is this? A MacIntosh?" he asked of no one in particular before shrugging his shoulders and taking another bite.

………

_**Pregnant**? _Danny hit the door with more force than was necessary and it slammed hard against the wall. He'd been thinking the same thing for the past five hours, and all he'd managed to do was get pissed off. _She's fuckin' **pregnant** and she can't fuckin' **tell** me?_

He tried going to the gym on his way home from work, but pounding the punching bag just made him want to pound on Chris. _What kinda guy knocks a chick up and disappears, huh? Is that why they broke up? _

He tried sending Lindsay another message, asking how she was doing and wondering where she'd been all day, but he got no response. _She's got a kid on the way, and I start tryin' to get in her pants. Fuck. Of **course** she fuckin' hates me. Goddamnit!_

He tried going for a drive, but he just ended up outside of her apartment. _Well, maybe Jess'll give her a message, even if she don't wanna talk to me._ He set his jaw and walked up the stairs to her apartment.

………

Lindsay sat in front of the TV, trying to concentrate on the latest piece of brilliance to exit Aaron Sorkin's brain and land on TV. She was glad she was taping it, though, because with all of the thoughts going through her brain, there was no way she was able to follow the story satisfactorily. She could, however, appreciate how cute Brad Whitford looked with glasses.

_Ok, so Hawkes is proposing to Jess. In France. That's good. I'm glad they're together._

_But she's **pregnant**? How could two people that smart make such a dumb mistake? _

_Unless of course, she **wanted** to get pregnant. But she's never mentioned wanting kids, so…_

_And half the lab thinks that **I'm** the one who's pregnant. That's just frikkin' **fantastic**. _She sighed and rolled her eyes, turning off the TV and letting her head rest on the back of the couch.

_And then, there's Danny. _She bit her lip. _And he's…_

Her thought was interrupted by the doorbell. She got up from the couch and padded to the door, looking through the peephole. _Here. He's here. Oh shit, Danny's **here**. _She watched him bounce up and down a couple of times and run his hand through his hair before he leaned in to peer through the hole she was looking through.

"Montana?" he called. "You in there?" _Just open the door. Please!_

_Unfortunately, yes._ Lindsay bit her lip again, then took a deep breath and opened the door. "Hi, Danny," she said brightly. _Holy peppy, Batman. Take it down a notch._

_What the hell?_ "Y'alright there, Montana?" he asked, not really sure what to make of her greeting.

"Just peachy!" _Oh my god! I can't turn it off!_

_Peachy?_ "Uh, alright. Can I come in?" He didn't wait for an answer, but just pushed gently on the door and walked into the apartment.

"Sure!" _Stop. Acting. Like. A cheerleader._ "So, what brings you over here?" _Please don't ask me for sex right now. I'm way too confused to be able to think through those implications._

"I just wanted you to know, I'm here for ya." _She must be really broken up to be overcompensatin' this much with the cheerfulness._ "And if you want me to kick his ass for ya, I will." _Gladly. _

_I thought he and Hawkes were friends._ "Why would I want you to beat him up?"

_She's way too nice to survive in this city._ "Because of what he did to you!"

_Proposing to my roommate?_ "It's not that big a deal."

"Not that big…!" _He got you pregnant and then left you with the kid! How is that **not** a big deal?_

"I think it's rather sweet, actually." _It certainly raises the bar for any proposals **I** might get in this lifetime._

"**Sweet! **How is it sweet to get a girl **pregnant** and then split on her?" _What kinda brainwashing do they do out there in the Midwest that she thinks this is sweet?_

"How is proposing marriage splitting?" _I think I'm missing something here._

"He proposed?" _Holy shit. _

"Of course. Wouldn't you?" _You love someone, you get married. It just makes sense._

"Well yeah, but..." _So did she say **no?** _"Why'd you say no?"

_Me?_ "Huh?"

"Is it cuz he's a tranny?" _I can see that._

_What the hell are we talking about now?_ "What?"

"Chris. He's a tranny, right?"

Lindsay blinked. _Oh no. Nonono. Shit. Did he just…_ "Chris?"

_There's some **other** guy who knocked her up?_ "Your ex-boyfriend? The one in the lingerie get-up at the drag queen show?" _Help me out here, Montana._ "He knocked you up and proposed and you said no?"

"You **knew** he was in the show?" _Oh my god! How long has he known? How did he… **I'm going to KILL Sid!**_

Danny shrugged, "Of course. I'm a CSI. I notice things." _She's obsessing about the weirdest shit._ "So, did you say no or what?"

_I really need to sit down._ Lindsay collapsed on the coffee table that was just behind her and buried her head in her hands.

"Oh shit. Is it the baby? Are you alright?" Danny rushed over and awkwardly patted her back and shoulders, not wanting to hurt her. _Shit shit shit! I shoulda known this talk would be bad for her!_

"Baby?" Lindsay looked up at him. _He thinks **I'm** the one who's pregnant!_ Suddenly, everything was snapping together in her brain. _And who would get me pregnant besides Chris!_ She started laughing helplessly. _And of course, we broke up, so he thinks it was because of the baby that I'm not having… _She rocked back and forth, tears rolling down her cheeks. _And that Chris tried to make an honest woman of me, but I didn't want to marry a drag queen!_

_Shit! She's having hysterics! What do you do for that? Boil water?_ Danny looked around the room, trying to find some way of calming her down. "You're alright, Montana. I'll take care of you." He grabbed a pillow from the couch and then held it as he realized he had nowhere to prop it behind her. This sent Lindsay off into further gales of laughter. _Great. I broke her._

_God, he really **is **sweet._ Lindsay hiccoughed and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes with the heels of her hands. Taking a few deep breaths, she tried to calm down a bit. "Have a seat, Danny," she patted the couch cushions across from her. "We need to talk."


	78. Clarifications

**Author's Note:** The naughty version of Chapter 76 (Sheldon's proposal) has been posted in Naughty Bits. Enjoy. There's the possibility of more Hawkes/Jess sex in the near future, if you so desire. By the way, is it just me, or is there a serious lack of Hawkes-sex out there? He's a hot guy. Why can none of us picture him having sex? Must be the incredible amounts of "nice."

Also, I've started up a website to house my fic (as well as other stuff) it's theheathen42 dot com if you're at all interested. I just started it yesterday, though, so there's not a lot there yet, but I'll have all of my writing moved over there, eventually. It's also where I plan to post my novel as I attempt NaNoWriMo this year.

**Chapter Seventy-Eight: Clarifications**

Danny looked at Lindsay suspiciously after listening to her summary of the confusion. "So you're **not** pregnant."

"I'm really not," she replied gently. _And I really kinda wish that people would stop asking me if I am. I'm getting a complex!_

"And it was Hawkes who was proposin' to Jess, not Chris to you?" _Ok, that "sweet" comment is making a **lot** more sense, now._

"Right."

"But Chris **is** a drag queen?"

"He's an **actor** who occasionally plays the **role** of a transvestite, yes," Lindsay explained stiffly.

_Same diff._ "And you broke up with him because…" he made the international gesture for 'finish this sentence for me.'

_Yeah, nice try Messer. When I say it's none of your business, that means I'm not going to tell you._ "Because of reasons I'd rather not go into but which had nothing to do with his work."

_Damn. I was kinda hoping she'd slip up there._ He scratched his head in mild confusion. "Ok, I get that. But… when'd he quit bein' a fireman and start actin'?" _He **was** a fireman, right? I'm pretty sure about that. _

_Damnit, I was hoping he'd forget that bit about the fireman._ "A little while ago," she bit her lip._ Well, it's not **really** a lie. I mean, he **was** acting as a fireman until we broke up, which was a little while ago. Right?_

"Huh. Why'd he make the switch?" Danny asked with genuine curiosity. "I can't imagine bein' an actor, myself. I think I'd go nuts." _No steady job 'til you're famous, and then everybody knows you and you ain't got no privacy anymore. No thanks._

Lindsay took a deep breath, "Can we not talk about him anymore?" she asked.

_Shit. Of **course** she don't wanna talk about her ex. _"Sure," he readily agreed. "So…"

"So…" _Ah, the awkward pause in conversation. How I've missed you._

_This is probably a bad time to bring up the sex thing again. _"I should prolly…" he gestured to the door.

_Damn, I was kinda hoping for some more practice._ "Yeah, it's getting late."

_You could always invite me to stay over…_ "Right, right." He nodded and stood up, brushing his hands on his jeans and taking his jacked off of the back of the couch where he'd draped it earlier. "I'll just head home, I think. Y'know, have an early night an' all that." He backed slowly toward the door, giving her plenty of time to stop him.

"You're on morning shift tomorrow?" _Wow, he can't wait to get out of here, can he? _

He nodded and smiled, then opened her door. "Make sure you lock this after me, eh Montana?" _Damnit, I can't kiss her if she's standing halfway across the room._

_How am I supposed to kiss him when he's halfway out the door, already?_ "Will do." She gave him a small smile and a wave, "G'night, Messer."

"G'night, Linds."

She blinked as the door closed behind him. _Did he just call me 'Linds'?_

………

"I screwed up big time," Danny mumbled into his hamburger a half an hour later.

"How be we talkin' here?" Aiden asked as she squirted ketchup onto her fries.

"It can't be _that_ bad," Stella reassured him, taking a sip through her straw.

_You have **no idea**._ Danny looked at them pathetically, his eyes full of abject horror. "I asked her if she was **pregnant!**" he wailed.

"Whoa," Aiden blinked. "She gain weight or somethin'?"

Stella's eyes widened and she took a large bite of her veggie burger to cover the fact that her jaw had just dropped open.

"No!" Danny waved the suggestion aside. _She's just as fuckin' hot as she's ever been._ "But Adam said she was in the can with mornin' sickness, so I just assumed…"

Aiden raised a brow in mockery, "You know what that makes of U and ME, right?"

"I fully admit that I was a complete and total **ass**," Danny replied before taking a giant bite of his burger.

Stella finally swallowed and tried to repair the situation she'd inadvertently caused. Damn Adam and his propensity for eavesdropping. "But why would she be mad at **you**?" Stella pointed out, reasonably. "**Adam's** the one who told you she was pregnant." She really hoped that no one ever found out that she'd been the one to put the idea in his head.

Danny mumbled something and took a giant slurp of soda.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear it over the half a **cow** you've got in your mouth," Aiden asked.

"I kinda told her I knew about Chris, too," he said sheepishly. _Stupid, stupid, **stupid**._

"What about Chris?" Stella asked curiously.

"Who's Chris?" Aiden asked, losing the thread of the conversation.

"Her ex," the other two CSI's responded simultaneously.

"Oh, gotcha. What about Chris?"

"That he's…" _Shit. If I tell **them**, she'll hate me even **more**. _"Uhhh… nevermind."

The two women exchanged glances. In perfect synchronism, they began to drum their fingernails on the tabletop.

Danny cringed and winced with each staccato beat. _Oh, they're just **evil**. _"You can stop that any time, now, cuz I'm not gonna tell ya." _You said it yourself, Aid. Not if I ever wanna get into her pants. _

"Alright, alright. So you thought she got knocked up and you revealed some top-secret info about her ex. That it?" Aiden asked.

"Uhh, I also kinda pressured her for sex… a little … at one point… before all that other stuff." _I **am** an ass**hole**._

Stella and Aiden exchanged another look. "I'll take this one," Stella said to her friend. Looking back at Danny, she told him quite seriously, "**You** are an **ass**hole. Also, you screwed up bigtime."

Danny buried his face in his hands. "I want to thank you both so much for making me feel better. You really are the best friends a guy could have, you know that?" _Maybe if I call Flack, he'll shoot me. That's the only thing that'd top this. _

"All part of the service," Aiden cheerfully replied as the bill came to their table. "You got this, right?"


	79. Don't Mess With Stella

**Chapter Seventy-Nine: Don't Mess With Stella**

Marty rapped along with Ludacris as he prepped his table for the next body. He moonwalked over to the stretcher and did a nice spin-to-toes move that would make Michael Jackson proud. Biting his lip, he was mid-pelvic-thrust as he pulled the zipper down on the body bag.

_squirrrrt!_

He coughed and sputtered as he was greeted with a faceful of water. "What the hell…?" He wasn't used to bodies fighting back.

"Uh, sorry about that," Adam sheepishly apologized as he sat up.

Marty wiped the water from his eyes and squinted at the tech. "Adam?" he asked incredulously. "What the fuck, dude?"

"I thought you were Danny," he explained.

Marty shook his head. "I'm sure that means something to someone, but it really doesn't help me out at all." He finished unzipping the bag and helped his friend down off the stretcher. "Do I or do I not want to know why you were hiding from Danny in a body bag, armed with a water pistol?"

"It's cuz I told him something that I didn't want to tell him and probably shouldn't have told him, but I told him and now he knows and he shouldn't know, at least I don't _think_ he should know, but he does because I told him." Adam gulped in a breath and looked like he was about to continue when Marty raised a hand to stop him.

"What did you tell him?"

"That Lindsay's pre…" Adam managed to stop himself in time. "Nevermind. Just don't tell him where I am!" He then ran from the room.

Marty shook his head and called after the fleeing man, "Couldn't if I wanted to, dude! Your shift ended four hours ago!"

………

"_Oof!"_

Lindsay squinted into her cellphone. "Uh, hello?" _Is this one of those callers my mom used to warn me about when I was a kid?_

She heard a muffled voice say, "_Sheldon! Stop it!_" and then it cleared up. "_Lindsay? Honey is that you?"_

"Jess?"

"_I have to be quick because I'm calling from France and I don't know how much longer I have on this phone card!_"

"I know! I heard! Congratulations!"

"_You **know**?"_

"Hawkes told Mac who told Flack who told me."

"_I honestly don't know how you people get any work done around there."_

_She's got a good point._ "We multitask. So, when are you two crazy kids coming back to this side of the pond?"

"_Day after tomorrow. Can you survive without me until then? What's happening on the D-front?"_

_If I knew that…_ "It'd take too long to explain over the phone."

"_That well, huh?"_

"Pretty much."

"_Well, at least one of us is in a relationship that doesn't suck._"

"Thanks," Lindsay replied, rolling her eyes. _She really knows how to cheer me up. _"Let me talk to Hawkes so I can congratulate him, too!"

There was a muffled rustling sound as the phone was passed over, then. "_Lindsay? Hi!"_

"Hey Sheldon!"

"_So, are you mad at me for taking your roomie away from you?"_

"As long as you let me keep her until I find a replacement, I don't mind too much," Lindsay laughed. "I'm just glad that you're making an honest woman of her and not making her raise the kid on her own." _Yeah, cuz he's really the kind of guy who'd do that._

"_What did you…"_ The phone cut off suddenly, and Lindsay had to assume that the phone card had run out.

"Oh well. At least I got to congratulate them both, first."

………

Hawkes stared at the phone in consternation, unable to hang up.

"Shel? Honey? You okay?" Jess asked in concern, taking the receiver from his grip and replacing it in the cradle.

He broke into a sudden grin, "I'm fantastic!" He lay back down in bed and grabbed her, pulling her on top of him and kissing her soundly. Releasing her, he placed one hand possessively over her stomach. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Jess laughed at his enthusiasm. "Tell you what?" she asked, confused.

Hawkes nuzzled her neck and played with her hair. "About the baby."

Jess froze mid-sigh and stiffened. "Baby?"

"Mmhmm." He seemed not to notice and continued to nuzzle his way down to her collarbone, now cupping her breasts in his hands. He couldn't believe that the woman he loved and was going to marry was already pregnant with his child. "Lindsay just told me. Why didn't you say anything before?"

Jess blinked and wondered why her roommate would tell her boyfriend that she was pregnant when she really wasn't. "Because I'm not?" she asked.

"Then why did Lindsay…?"

She shook her head in resignation. "Let's not think about that, now. We can straighten it all out when we get back to New York." She grinned down at him and wiggled her hips against his. "Now, I think you were doing some wonderful things in this general area," she suggested, pointing back to her neck.

Hawkes broke into a wide grin in return, "I do believe you're right."

………

"Ross," Adam said into his cellphone. He almost never got paged at home, and he was rather surprised to see Stella's number flashing on the gadget.

"_Adam? It's Stella_."

"What's up, Stella?" He instantly let his hopes rise that she'd finally succumbed to his charms and was calling him up to ask him out.

"_Please stop telling people that Lindsay's pregnant. She's not."_

Adam gave his beer a sour look. He knew he should have stopped at two. "But you said…"

"_And I was **wrong**."_

"…oh."

"_Yes. So no more, ok?"_

"Right."

"_And Adam?"_

"Yeah, Stella?"

"_If you tell **anyone** that I'm the one who put that idea into your head, I **will** kill you."_

"… got it."

"_Have a good night!"_

**Author's Note:** This would be that opportunity for more Hawkes/Jess sex I mentioned a chapter or two ago. Ask and ye shall receive.


	80. Pathological Criminalists

**Author's Note: **This one's for TheLittleCorinthian.

**Chapter Eighty: Pathological Criminal(ist)s**

Sid whistled a showtune as he entered the morgue early in the morning. He and Judy were planning a trip to Las Vegas for the upcoming long weekend, and he could hardly wait. He did a quick little Astaire-like tap dance and slide over to the refrigerators and pulled open the first drawer of the day.

_squirrrrt!_

"What on Earth…!" he sputtered, wiping the water off his face.

Marty jumped off of the shelf and gave him a hearty slap on the back. "Sorry, man. I just couldn't resist." He handed the water gun to Sid and slid the drawer closed. "Have a good shift!"

Sid blinked back at his coworker. Unclipping his glasses off of his nose, he re-clipped them around his neck and cleared his throat. "You, sir, are a cad." With that, he took deliberate aim and soaked the front of Marty's scrubs.

Marty jumped back too late and surveyed the damage with amused resignation. "Good thing I'm not going commando, today."

………

Stella exited the elevator in the basement, heading to a post. She turned the corner and walked right into a faceful of water pistol. "Don't shoot!" she raised her hands, defensively.

"I really am terribly sorry about this," said Sid, "but my honour was impugned by the knavery of one whom I'd always considered an ally."

Stella took a moment to replay that sentence. "And that makes you want to shoot _me_?"

Sid straightened slightly, but the gun didn't waver a millimeter. "A man doesn't choose his path to redemption. He takes the path that is offered to him."

"So I'm the first one down here today?"

"Indeed." _squirrrrt!_

………

Armed with a water gun and a need for some sort of revenge, Stella waited beside the elevator in the lab, biding her time until a suitable target presented itself.

_ding!_

The doors opened and out stepped Don Flack, studying his notes as he entered the lab corridor.

"Perfect," Stella whispered to herself, jumping out behind him and hitting him right in the back of the head. _squirrrrt!_ She did a little dance of triumphant glee as Flack whipped around.

"God-fucking-damnit, Stella! What the hell?" he demanded, trying to wipe the water off of his head without messing up his hair.

"Tag," Stella grinned as she spun the pistol on her finger and offered him the grip. "You're it."

………

Flack walked into Mac's office and was greeted with an open umbrella facing him on the desk.

"Uhh… Mac?" he asked, uneasily. Suddenly, his arm was brought up behind him and the gun forcibly removed from his hand.

"I'm a marine, Don," Mac said from his back. "Did you really think you could sneak up on me?"

"Good point," Flack conceded. "Can I have my arm back, now?"

Mac released him and handed the gun back to him. "I'll let this go, as long as it stays out of my office." He smiled, "Stella got you at the elevator?"

Flack shook his head in disbelief. "Didn't even see her."

"She'd have made a great sniper."

………

Lindsay leaned back from the microscope and then arched her back to stretch. _Three hours, and I've still got nothing. Must remember that I love my job. _

_squirrrrt!_

She shrieked at the feel of the cold water all over her torso and face. Her hands came up to try to ward off the water, but the stream just kept coming until she was utterly soaked. Even her lab coat didn't save her. _…and I **hate** my coworkers!_

"Bullseye!" Flack shouted from his position crouched behind the mass spec.

"You are a **dead man!**" she shouted, slipping in the puddle that was forming around her feet and grabbing onto the lab bench for traction as she attempted to run him down.

Flack dropped the gun and sprinted down the hall well ahead of her.

"Yeah, you'd **better** run, Flack!" she shook her fist at his retreating back. Looking down at herself she sighed. "Good thing I keep a change of clothes here for when I've got garbage duty." Picking up the gun, she sloshed to the locker rooms and a set of dry things.

_This place is a frikkin' zoo!_ She pulled open her locker door and placed the gun on the shelf inside as she stripped off her lab coat and blouse, letting both fall onto the bench with a wet plop. _Great. Even my bra is soaked._ Sighing, she reached into her locker and pulled out the blouse she had put in there in case of emergencies and draped it around her body before removing her bra and dropping it onto the pile on the bench. She buttoned her shirt and struggled out of the trousers that were now clinging to her damp skin. Yanking her khakis off of their hook at the back of her locker, she rooted around on the shelf for a fresh pair of panties. Her fingers finally connected with cotton. _Thank god. The last thing I need is to go completely commando. I can't believe I forgot to bring an extra bra after the last time I had to change. _Quickly switching her panties and pulling on her khakis, she pulled her hair up into a clip and gathered her soaked garments together to hang them on the radiator and hopefully dry them out by the end of her shift.

_Now, let's go soak some cops!_ She took the gun out of her locker and slammed the door with a resounding bang.

………

"Hey Montana," Danny said, barely looking up from the report he was reading as he walked down the hall. _I wonder if she's still pissed at me about last night. _

"Hey Danny," she smiled at him. _He was all about getting into my pants until he thought I was pregnant, and now he's lost interest? I don't think so. _She whistled to get his attention, and then shot him right in the chest.

_Gun!_ "Geez…!" He looked down at his now-wet shirt and tried to make his heart beat at a normal rhythm. _She **shot **me! With a **water gun!** _"You shot me!" _She must be more pissed than I thought… except, water?_

Lindsay bit her lip, enjoying the sight of Danny's shirt being molded tight to the contours of his muscles. _God, he's hot._ "I did, yes."

"…**why?**" _Idiot. You **know** why._

_Because I can't dip your hair in ink._ "To get your attention."

Danny raised a brow and cocked a half-grin, "Trust me, Montana, you don't need to shoot me to get my attention." He licked his lips and looked at her more carefully. _That's not what she was wearin' this mornin' is it?_

_Oh god. He's licking his lips. _"Could have fooled me," she answered, archly. "I think I might just have to shoot you, again."

Danny quickly moved over and grabbed her gun-hand, pulling her tight against him in an attempt to disarm her. _Holy shit, she ain't wearin' a bra!_ "Oh, I think it's **my** turn to do the shootin', don't you?" he grinned and pressed the trigger, soaking both of their shirts all over again.

Lindsay gasped at the cold water and the feeling of his body against hers. _Wow. God, he's got a great chest._ Unable to resist any more, but not wanting to be seen giving in to her baser urges, she looked around the hallway in desperation. _Yes! Perfect!_ "Quick! In here!" She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into a supply closet nearby.

"Montana, what are you… mmmph!" Danny's eyes opened wide and then slowly closed as Lindsay dragged him into the closet and then promptly grabbed him and kissed him. _Whoa. Definitely not mad._ His hands wrapped around her waist and his mouth opened up to allow access to her questing tongue.

_Wow. Definitely still interested._ "Mmmm," Lindsay moaned and gasped, "Danny!" She grabbed one of his hands from her waist and pulled it back to rest on her ass.

"Oh fuck, Linds," he whispered back, squeezing her ass in his hand. _Holy shit, she's got a great ass._ His other hand started to move up her ribcage, slowly. _I'm pretty sure she won't mind my grabbin' a tit, right about now._

_Oh fuck, yes!_ "Faster," she panted before plunging her tongue back into his mouth and whimpering against his lips. One leg came up and wrapped around his waist, allowing his erection to press against her.

_Oh fuck, yeah!_ Danny moved his hand right up and over her breast, confirming that she was braless. He moaned into her mouth and sucked on her tongue, loving the taste of her. He caressed her breast and pulled gently on her nipple, making it stand out hard and long under her shirt. _Her shirt. God, I want to get into her shirt. _"Mmmm… Linds, can I …?" He removed his hand from where it was busy squeezing and kneading her ass and brought it up to the buttons on her shirt. Looking into her eyes, he waited for her signal.

Lindsay panted for breath as her hips moved rhythmically against him. _Oh god. I'm going to have sex with Danny in the supply closet at work. _She nodded and started kissing him again. _I'm a 1980's sitcom, and I don't even care._

Suddenly, the door to the closet opened, making them blink in the sudden light. Danny tried to look over his shoulder to see whom he needed to kill for the interruption, and Lindsay shielded her eyes with her hand, the better to see her target.

Adam gulped.

_squirrrt!_


	81. Out of the Closet

**Chapter Eighty-One: Out of the Closet**

"Uhh… sorry guys," Adam said awkwardly, wiping the water off of his face and trying not to look directly at the couple in the closet.

_Goddamned sonofabitch! _"Oh you're **gonna** be…" Danny started to turn, his right hand clenching into a fist. Lindsay grabbed his shirt and pulled him back.

"_Don't move_," she whispered desperately. _I do **not** want Adam to see this!_

Adam took a step back from the door and looked down the hallway with the air of someone being in a place he'd rather be a hundred miles from. "I'm **really** sorry, Danny, but Mac needs to see you."

"…**now?**" _You gotta be kiddin' me!_

"I'll just tell him you're on your way, then? Please?" He dared to cast one desperate glance in their direction and then closed the door again to leave.

Danny sighed and rested his forehead against Lindsay's. _How the hell am I supposed to walk around out there with **this**? _He adjusted his erection. "God hates me."

Lindsay smiled, "He's not too crazy about me, either." _Must remember to buy batteries on the way home._ She gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek that he turned into, moving her lips down to his. They both moaned, wanting to continue and knowing they couldn't. _I wonder if he could manage a quickie…_

_I could be real fast…_ "Mmmm, Linds…" he murmured into her hair. _Actually, that ain't somethin' I wanna advertise, now is it?_ "I gotta go," he whispered hoarsely. _And when I **do** finally get her, I wanna take my fuckin' time._ "Mac's waitin'."

"Do me a favour?" _Just reach on down and get me off real quick?_

"Anythin'" _And I mean **anythin'**._

"Could you bring me a labcoat?" she blushed.

"A labcoat?" _k, that's not what I was expecting._

"Yeah, you kinda… soaked my shirt before," she gestured. _White blouse, no bra, water…yeah._

"You got it, Montana," he grinned. Opening the door slowly, he looked both ways down the hallway, then turned to get a good look at her in her semi-transparent shirt. "Whoa." _I'm never **ever** forgetting this._

_Wow, he looks like he wants to eat me for dinner._ Lindsay blushed again and shuddered delightedly. "Move it, cowboy!" She resisted the urge to bring her arms up to cover herself and reveled in hot stare directed at her.

_Cowboy, eh? I like it._ He threw her a cocky grin and tipped an imaginary hat at her. "Yes, ma'am."

………

Stella shook her head slightly as she walked, unsure as to why she was delivering a lab coat to a supply closet, but Danny had insisted that it was important, so…

"Stella!" _Oh my god!_ "What are you…?"

The older woman smiled as she handed Lindsay the lab coat. "Danny said you needed this…?" Her question of _why_ remained unspoken.

_Ok, explain without completely explaining._ "You're a lifesaver!" she gushed, grabbing the coat and pulling it on. "I got shot with this," she flourished the water pistol, "by Flack and had to change clothes. Then, when I shot Danny with it, he grabbed it and shot me again." She pointed out the fact that her top was white. "Getting shot with water while wearing a white shirt isn't a pleasant work experience." _There, that should do it._

Stella raised an eyebrow, "… and you're in the supply closet because…?"

_Shit. Why am I in here? Think fast!_ ".. uhh because! Because Flack soaked me so well that I couldn't wear my bra or my lab coat, and then Danny shot me in the chest, and I had to hide so as not to give the whole lab a show!" _Yes! Perfect!_

"So, Danny saw you like that, did he?" Stella pursed her lips in fake concern. "You poor thing!"

_Does she know?_ Lindsay squinted suspiciously. "I'm alright," she said slowly. "I'm just glad to have something to cover up with now."

"He's sorry he couldn't bring it himself, but he and Mac had to leave on a case," Stella's mouth twitched as she tried not to laugh.

_Yeah, she knows._ "Well, thanks for bringing it in his stead," she bit her lip and started to make her way down the hallway, hoping to escape before her friend started grilling her.

"He seemed kind of upset that he couldn't…" Stella started.

_Lab results? Anyone? Someone please call my name with results? Please?_ "Yeah, well, I yelled at him for soaking my shirt, so he probably feels guilty."

"Aww… you two should really be nicer to each other, you know."

_**Believe me**, we were trying!_ "We're nice!"

"Not as nice as you _could_ be," Stella winked.

"Stella!"

_Did she just…?_ Lindsay turned distractedly to see Flack running down the hall toward Stella. Her eyes lit up. _Revenge!_ Using Stella as cover, she aimed the pistol around her friend's waist and hit Flack right in the front of his pants. "Yes! Take **that**, Flack!" She did a little dance for a moment, then saw the look on his face and ran.

………

Danny and Mac exited the elevator in the lab a few hours later, having processed the alley where a John Doe had been dumped. Danny had had to work hard to keep his focus on the case and out of his pants. _I love you like a father, Mac, but I really want to kill you right about now._ He saw movement out of the corner of his eye.

_squirrrt!_

Turning in slow-motion, he saw Mac wipe the spray of water off his cheek with a bemused expression and then shake his head. There was a clatter off to the other side of him, and he looked down to see a slowly-spinning water gun on the floor. The sound of footsteps trailed off rapidly around the corner.

_Holy shit! Someone got Mac!_

Mac chuckled quietly, "She'd have made a great sniper."

………

_Danny –_

_I'm sorry we were interrupted before, but I'm not sorry about what we were doing._

_I think I want to do it some more._

_Call me?_

He grinned to himself. _Back to passin' notes, Montana?_ Whistling quietly, he penned one of his own.

………

_Montana –_

_Sorry about sending Stella with the coat, but I had to go process a scene._

_Let me make it up to you?_

_In person?_

Lindsay blushed and bit her lip. _In person? Am I ready for that?_

………

_Dinner. My place. 8:00._


	82. About Damned Time

**Chapter Eighty-Two: About Damned Time**

Danny took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair before pressing the doorbell. _Last time I tried something like this, she slammed the door in my face and then threw me out the window. _He waited a moment before pressing it again. _I really fuckin' hope this time is better._

Lindsay looked at the clock when the doorbell rang. _Shit!_ She checked her hair in the mirror and struggled to finish zipping up the back of her dress. _He's early!_ The bell rang again as she wiggled her feet into her heels and then ran down the hallway. _Deep breaths. You can do this. _She took one final calming breath and smiled as she opened the door.

"Hi, Danny." _Wow, they're beautiful!_

"Hi, Mo.. Lindsay," he offered her the bouquet of flowers he'd bought on the way over. _God, she's gorgeous._ His eyebrows rose up to meet his hairline and he whistled in appreciation. "You sure do clean up nice, Monroe." _That sounded better in my head._

Lindsay blushed and grinned as she watched him take off his winter coat. "Right back atcha, Messer." _God, I love men in suits._ She bit her lip in appreciation of his efforts.

He smiled awkwardly, embarrassed that he'd been caught trying hard. _At least she knows I mean business._ "So, what's for dinner?"

"Sorry I couldn't cook, but I only got home an hour ago," Lindsay apologized, moving into the kitchen to put the flowers in some water. _And I had to spend that entire time trying to figure out what to wear._

Danny followed her and watched in appreciation as she reached high into a cupboard to take out a vase. _I wish she'd wear dresses to work._ "Don't worry about it, Montana," he said to her ass. He looked her in the eye and grinned as she turned and caught him staring. "It ain't _food_ I'm hungry for, just now." _But I sure could spend a good hour or two eatin' **you**._

_Ohhh wow._ She walked over to where he was standing beside the table and pressed up against him, reaching around behind his back to put down the flowers. "So what," she looked up at him seductively, "_are_ you," she brought her hand to the small of his back and ran it gently up between his shoulder blades and back down again, "_hungry_," her other hand tugged on his tie to bring his face down close to hers, "for?"

_**Damn** she's good_. He closed his eyes and moaned, "You."

Leaning down that extra inch needed, he brought his lips down on hers. She whimpered slightly in the back of her throat and he growled in response, opening his lips and parting hers with his tongue. She pulled harder on his tie, her other hand tangling in his hair, needing to bring him as deep into her as possible. One of his hands moved to cup and squeeze her ass and the other moved up to caress her breasts.

Lindsay gasped and pulled back for a moment. "Good answer," she panted before spreading her arms across his hard chest and pushing them up and over his shoulders to remove his suit jacket. She allowed herself a moment of weakness and squeezed his biceps, shivering at the feel of them under his shirt. _God, he's got great arms._

Danny pinched her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, loving the mewling little sounds she made. He trailed his kisses over her cheek and along her jaw, down her neck to her shoulder. His hands moved over her body, switching places so that he could give her other nipple the same treatment. _I wonder if I could convince her never to wear a bra again?_

Lindsay's head rolled back and she sighed happily as Danny manipulated her body, making her flush with arousal. _Oh wow… At this rate we'll never actually get to the food. _She moaned happily with a smile on her face, then suddenly froze. _The food!_

Pushing him back from her, she tried to catch her breath. "Wait! Just wait a minute!"

_Am I goin' too fast?_ "Y'alright? What's wrong?" _Shit, man! Don't screw this up!_

"Nono! I'm fine!" _Better than fine. I'm about five minutes away from fantastic._ "But the food'll be here any minute, and I'd like to be dressed when it gets here," she laughed self-consciously.

Danny grinned sexily back. _Oh really?_ "So there's a chance of us **not** bein' dressed later on?" _Yes! I'm **so** the man!_

_So much for keeping him on his toes._ "A _small_ chance, yes."

"How small we talkin' here?" He moved forward and wrapped his arms around her waist again, nuzzling at her neck.

Lindsay, unable to resist, reached down and placed her palm flatly against the front of his trousers. _Oh my_. She squeezed slightly and felt something jump. "Around six inches or so?" so whispered archly into his ear.

Danny moaned and chuckled before whispering back, "Seven and a half." _What do ya think of **that**, Miss Monroe?_

_Why, Mr. Messer!_ She moved her hand back and forth slowly. "It seems the chance is growing all the time." She grabbed his tie again to get another kiss, but the doorbell interrupted her. "Oh! Food's here!" She cheerfully let him go and he almost fell over as she went back into the hallway to pay the delivery guy. _I have a feeling we're going to need to keep our strength up for later._ "Ready to eat?"

"You have **no** idea."

………

Dinner was a flirtatious affair. They laughed and talked the way they usually did, but Lindsay kept running her foot up the inside of Danny's leg under the table and he kept looking at her as if he were about to push her down on the ground and have his way with her.

Lindsay got up to clear the plates, but Danny grabbed her wrist and pulled her down onto his lap. "Don't you want dessert?" she asked, grinning.

"Mmhmm," he nodded as he leaned in toward her and nibbled her bottom lip. _How about we cover you in chocolate sauce and I lick it all off?_

_I love his definition of dessert._ Lindsay kissed him hard and deep and then slowly drew back, pulling on his tie as she stood up. "C'mere."

"Yes, ma'am," he obediently followed, watching her ass sway as she made her way into the living room and pushed him down on the couch. _I really need to wear a tie more often. _

Smiling seductively, Lindsay slowly pulled the bottom of her dress up until it reached the tops of her thighs, revealing her stockings. _I sure hope Jess was right about those things driving men wild. _Then, she placed one knee on either side of Danny's lap and sat down on him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

_Stockings? Holy shit. I wonder if she's wearin' some of that Frederick's stuff she was buyin' that one time._ He tilted his head up for her kiss and groaned when she immediately pierced his lips with her tongue. His hands moved of their own accord and wrapped around her thighs before slowly sliding up and under her dress. _Or maybe she's just not wearin' anythin' at all. _"Holy fuck, Linds," he panted against her lips, drawing back just enough to stare into her eyes.

_He looks so cute when he's all shocked like that. _"If you're not too busy tonight, I was wondering if you might want to stay over."

He laughed deep in his throat, almost unable to think at that point. "Oh, I'm busy tonight, alright. Busy doin' somethin' I been wantin' to do for months now." Pushing her down on the couch beside him, he lay on top of her and kissed her deeply. "And believe me, it's definitely gonna take all night."


	83. Smack!

**Author's Note: **My internet was out of commission for three days. I really didn't leave you guys hanging on purpose. I promise! Anyway, two new Naughty Bits chapters posted. One Jess/Hawkes, one DL. Enjoy! And now, because the idea hit me and I'm throwing cannon out the window and stomping on it when it hits the ground, I present to you…

**Chapter Eighty-Three: Smack!**

_Smack!_

"Fuck!" Danny rubbed his head. He'd hit it on the underside of the kitchen table. _What the…_ Looking beside him, he saw the naked and slightly sticky form of Lindsay Monroe lying next to him. His face broke into a huge grin. _Ohhh yeah._ Laying back down, he leaned on one elbow and watched her as she slept. _That chocolate thing was **definitely** a good idea._ He moved his head down and kissed an errant smudge off her collarbone.

Lindsay stirred and stretched, wondering why her back hurt so much. _What the…_Sitting up, she felt behind her and found a spatula and an empty bottle of chocolate syrup. _Ohhh yeah._ She blushed and smiled, remembering, then turned even redder when she noticed Danny staring at her. She automatically tried to cover up, but there was nothing available to use, so she gave up and smiled awkwardly at him.

"Hi," she whispered, tucking a curl behind her ear.

"Hi," he whispered back, reaching behind her head to draw her in for a kiss. "Y'alright?" He looked at her seriously. _If I screwed this up already…_

"I think…" she watched his eyes fill with concern. _Wow. I really **have** been kinda hard on him, haven't I?_ "I think we need to buy more syrup," she said and kissed him again.

Laughing, he pulled her down on top of him. _Thank God!_ "I'll get right on that, Montana," he grinned. "Just as soon as I remember where I tossed my pants."

………

_squirrrrt!_

Stella jumped as a stream of water connected with the door of her locker, a few inches from her head. "Holy crap!" She quickly ducked behind the protective barrier and peaked around the edge, trying to see who it was who was aiming at her. All she could make out was the barrel of the gun poking out from around the corner of the wall of the locker room. She moved her head out a bit more, trying to see around the wall and find out who the shooter was, but another blast of water shot towards her and she ducked back out of sight.

Thinking fast, she grabbed her gym bag and rooted around in it, keeping one ear open to listen for footsteps. Finally, her hand connected with what she was looking for just as she felt the muzzle of the water pistol nudge her in the back. "Alright, alright," she said, slowly rising from her crouched position. "There's no need to get carried away," she continued, raising one hand and hiding the other in the front of her jacket as she started to turn.

Moving quickly, she thumbed up the top to her Gatorade bottle and spun around, squeezing it in the direction of her attacker just as he let loose with the water gun, soaking her from her shoulders to her knees.

"Aw, geez!" he muttered, pulling his wet jacket away from his body and watching it drip green liquid all over the locker room floor. Looking back up at Stella, Mac smiled sourly. "You'd have made a great sniper, you know that?"

Stella laughed as she tried to wring out her own soaked shirt. "I've heard that somewhere, yes."

"I really _liked_ this shirt," Mac muttered as he tossed his jacket in a wet heap on the floor and started to undo his buttons.

"Don't be such a baby," Stella admonished, smiling as she dropped her own jacket at her feet. "It's just Gatorade. It'll come out." Grasping her shirt at its hem, she pulled it up and over her head.

"Maybe," Mac admitted, taking an appreciative glance at Stella in her bra. "But what about my tie? That was a really nice tie." He dropped his shirt on top of his jacket and shrugged out of his undershirt.

"It was an ugly tie," Stella disagreed, cheerfully. "And I'll buy you a new one. One that's actually _nice_." Reaching into her locker, she pulled out a clean shirt and slipped it over her head, looking at Mac in her mirror.

Mac reached into his own locker and pulled out a casual sweater. "How about you just buy me dinner, instead?" he asked with painful casualness. Usually, it was Stella who suggested their outings. He wasn't really sure what she'd think of him doing it for a change.

Stella paused in the act of brushing her damp curls and turned to study her longtime friend. Mac was avoiding her gaze by any means possible which left her free to size him up. Pursing her lips, she tried to gauge whether or not he was finally ready. Only one way to find out, though. "Alright, but we're ordering in. I'm not going to a restaurant looking like this," she gestured to her hair.

Mac looked at her seriously, "You look beautiful." Smiling lopsidedly, he offered her his arm and escorted her out of the locker room. "But if it's pizza and the ballgame you want, who am I to argue?"

Stella blushed and laughed, "Smart man." Looping her arm with his, she couldn't keep the grin off her face as they left the lab together.


	84. The Return!

**Chapter Eighty-Four: The Return!**

Lindsay got out of the shower first, wrapping a towel around her small frame and another around her hair.

"Aww, c'mon, Montana!" Danny teased. "I ain't done washin' your back, yet!" _I need **at least** another hour. Maybe two._

She laughed and stuck her tongue out at him. "If you 'wash' me any more, I'll never move again!" _Not that that's a bad thing, per se._

_I'm just … enthusiastic is all. _"What? Like that's a bad thing?" he grinned, lathering his chest with the soap.

Lindsay bit her lip and stared at him, admiringly. _Why in the world did I wait so long to see him naked?_ She jumped at the sound of the front door opening.

"Lindsay?" Jess called into the seemingly empty apartment. "You home?"

"Shit, shit, shit!" Lindsay looked at Danny in a panic. _What if Hawkes is with her?_

Danny, for his part, just grinned even broader. "She'll be right out, Jess!" he called. _No shovin' me out the window **this** time, Montana._

Lindsay's mouth moved up and down a few times as she glared at the soapy naked man standing in her shower. "I… You… I…" _It would be **so** much easier to be mad if he weren't so frikkin' **hot**. _She jabbed a finger in his direction and glared one more time before finally turning on her heel and stomping out of the bathroom.

_Damn, she's hot when she's pissed._ "That's tellin' me, Linds! Nice one!" Whistling, he reached for the shampoo.

Lindsay tried to compose herself as she walked into the living room where Jess stood, open-mouthed. _Yeah, so about things with Danny…_ She waved awkwardly and greeted her friend with brittle enthusiasm, "Welcome back!" The grin on her face was more like a rictus you'd see in the morgue.

Jess gaped at her roommate and pointed accusingly in the direction of their bathroom. "Was that…?"

_Danny? Yeah. _Lindsay nodded and blushed.

"And he's…?"

_Naked and singing in our shower? _Lindsay smiled self-consciously and nodded again.

"And you _actually_…" she gestured vaguely with her hands.

_Had more sex than I thought was humanly possible in a twelve hour period of time? _Lindsay bit her lip and raised her eyebrows with a small shrug of admission.

"**YES!**" Jess jumped up and down pumping her fist in victory. "**Thank the FUCKING Lord Almighty, FINALLY!"** She started to do a little dance around the living room.

"Uhh… Jess?" _I think she's scaring the neighbours._ Lindsay raised a hand and used the other to keep a grip on her towel as Jess ran at her and tackled her with a hug.

"Yes! Yes! **Yes!**" Jess grabbed her face in both hands and kissed her exuberantly on the lips.

Danny's eyebrows rose and he brushed one hand through his hair as the other held the towel around his waist. _Wow. Hot roommate action. Totally didn't see that one comin'._ "You two need a minute?" he asked with a lopsided smile.

Jess looked over at him, mostly-naked and still damp from the shower, and she squealed again before running over and giving him the same tackle and kiss she'd just given Lindsay. "Thank you! _Thank you!_ **Thank you!**" she enthused.

Danny gave Lindsay a 'what kind of drugs is she on?' look and risked losing his towel to grasp Jess by her shoulders and push her away from him. "You're welcome?" _What'd I do?_

"**How** did you do it?" Jess asked, completely blown away by the concept of the two of them actually _getting together_.

_Hey! What makes her think it was all **him**?_ Lindsay tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around. "Actually, I seduced him," she said proudly. "You were right about the stockings, by the way," she stage whispered.

"I _told_ you," Jess whispered back while Danny looked offended.

_**She** seduced **me**? Yeah, right._ Danny tapped Jess on the shoulder and shook his head with a smirk of disagreement and a wag of one finger. "Ah, ah, ah, Montana. I'm pretty sure that _I'm_the one who did the seducin'."

Lindsay crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" _Puhleeze! **Who** sat on **whose** lap?_

Jess waved to try to get their attention, but neither one paid her any heed. "Uh, guys?"

Danny stepped toward Lindsay, hands on his hips and towel riding dangerously low. **_Who_** _had **whom** practically beggin' for it when the delivery guy showed up?_ "Yeah, really."

"Guys?" Jess asked, a little louder this time.

Lindsay took a step forward and jabbed a finger at him, again. _Whose idea was dinner?_ "Face it, Messer. I crooked my little finger, and you came running."

_She did **what?** _Danny opened his mouth to retort as he leaned down into Lindsay's face, but he was cut off by a loud, shrill sound that made him clamp his hands over his ears, just as his towel fell.

Jess' finger dropped from her mouth as she took in Danny's fully naked form.

Sheldon blinked as he walked into his fiancé's apartment to find one of his coworkers completely naked and the other one most of the way there.

Lindsay's face turned beet red and she took a death grip on her own towel.

Danny backed slowly behind an easy chair and grabbed a throw pillow off of the seat to use as cover. "Heyyyy, Hawkes," he waved awkwardly, crouching slightly in an attempt to hide and bouncing on the balls of his feet with desire to run out of the room. "Uhh… congrats on that whole getting' married thing."

Sheldon frowned as his mouth opened to ask a question, and then he looked over at Jess. "Do I…?" He pointed at Danny, then Lindsay, then moved his finger back and forth between the two of them. "I don't really want to ask about this, do I?" he enquired, using one hand to shield Danny from his view.

"Remember what we talked about in France, honey?" Jess asked, comfortingly. Lindsay and Danny exchanged a look of consternation.

"Yes, but I didn't think…" he trailed off and, against his better judgment, looked again. Shuddering, he covered his eyes with his hands. "I didn't want to actually _see_…"

"Shh, sweetie," Jess soothed, rubbing one hand up and down his back. "It'll be okay." She lead him down the hallway towards her bedroom and shooed Danny and Lindsay, mouthing at them to go somewhere and get dressed.

Danny looked over at Lindsay. "That could have gone better," he said mildly.

Lindsay grinned back at him and gestured to the pillow. "That's a good colour for you. You should wear it more often."

"Ha. Ha. Verrrry funny, Montana," he replied sourly before throwing it at her.

Lindsay ducked and ran down the hallway to her room. Danny laughed and ran after her, tackling her to her bed and kissing her soundly. "Personally, I think you look best in nothin' at all." Grinning, he took the edge of her towel in his hands and proceeded to demonstrate just how much he liked her like that.


	85. The Question

**Author's Note:** No, I'm not dead. I'm just cracking under the strain of the bazillion chapters this story somehow metamorphosed into. It was supposed to be maaaaybe 30! I really do need to end this, soon. Eesh.

**Chapter 85: The Question**

"You really can't ask her that," Hawkes said an hour or two later as he and Danny were off in search of food, allowing Jess and Lindsay some time to catch up with each other.

"I know **I** can't ask her that," Danny replied, proving that he wasn't a total idiot. _She'd never answer me._ "But **Jess** can!"

Hawkes paused in the middle of the sidewalk and put a hand on Danny's chest to stop him from walking past him. He raised a hand and seemed to count to five, internally. "Let me get this straight," he said slowly. "You want _me_," he pointed to himself, "to ask _Jess_," he jerked a thumb back in the direction they'd just come from, "to ask _Lindsay_," his hand rolled over to indicate the next person in the huge game of 'telephone' Danny was proposing, "if _you_," he poked Danny in the chest, "are better in bed than _Chris_," his hand rolled over one more time and then he brought it up to rub his forehead in an attempt to forestall the headache he knew would soon be developing.

_Well, **sure** it's dumb, when you say it like **that!** _"Bad idea?" Danny squinted and licked his lips.

"Ohh yeah," Hawkes said, nodded emphatically and then continuing down the sidewalk.

"But what if…"

"Still a bad idea."

"You didn't let me finish!"

"Just trust me on this one, okay?"

_Hmm. Maybe I'll get Stella to ask her._

………

"Now, why on _Earth_ do you think I'm pregnant?" Jess demanded after she'd heard the story of how Lindsay and Danny had finally managed to clue in and get it on.

"You mean you're not?" Lindsay wrinkled her brow. _How do these rumours get started, anyway?_

"I'm pretty sure that I'd be the first one to know if I _were_!"

"Huh," Lindsay shrugged. "Flack's the one who told me. I just figured he'd heard from Hawkes or something. I'll ask him about it at work, on Monday." _I should also make sure that Adam still fears me enough to keep his mouth shut. A secret like me and Danny in the supply closet will probably make him explode soon. _

"Once more, I find I must ask how you people get any work done at that lab of yours," Jess rolled her eyes. "You gossip more than the National Enquirer!"

"It's a real mystery."

………

_Man, this service is slow._ "Hey! C'mon, willya? I ain't got all day, here!" Danny slapped the counter a few times and peered at the guy making up their lunch. _How much time does it take to smear some cream cheese on a bagel? I mean, really._

The guy didn't even look back at him as he muttered, "Keep your pants on!"

Hawkes snorted and Danny glared at him with a finger in his face. "Don't say one word!" he warned.

………

Jess and Lindsay moved around the kitchen getting the table set for when the boys arrived back with the food.

"Sooo," Jess started, oh so casually, as she reached down some glasses.

_Here it comes._ "Yeees?" Lindsay asked with equal casualness as she dug around the cutlery drawer for another fork.

"I couldn't help but notice that our apartment is still in one piece."

_And there it is._ "We cleaned up before showering."

"That was nice of you."

"Well, you did say you'd be coming back today." _I just wish the phone hadn't cut out before I could ask for more specifics as to **when**._

There was a slight pause as Jess got the plates and Lindsay took the milk and juice out of the fridge.

_Three… two… one…_

Jess couldn't take it anymore and grabbed Lindsay's hand, dragging her down into a chair. "On a scale of one to ten, one being 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' and ten being 'the kind of sex that should have song and poems written about it in order to teach lesser lovers how to do things right,' how was sex with Danny?" She sat on the edge of her own seat and rested her chin on one fist, eagerly awaiting the answer.

"We've got food!" Danny shouted triumphantly as he and Hawkes came in through the door bearing bags full of lunch. He bent down to kiss Lindsay on the cheek before continuing over to the counter to put down his load of bounty. _Did I just do that?_ He paused as he was removing containers from the bag and looked back at Lindsay. She seemed just as surprised as he was. _That was kinda weird. Nice, though. _

Lindsay blinked and looked back at Danny as he returned to unpacking food. _That was… different. _

"You two all caught up now?" Hawkes asked as he gave Jess a hug and a kiss and dropped his own bag of goodies on the table to unload it.

Jess raised an eyebrow at Lindsay and sighed mildly, "Good enough for now. We'll talk more when you boys go home." She smiled and gave her fiancé another kiss before she started to open the containers he'd placed on the table. "My god, how many people do you think live here? This is enough food for an army!"

Hawkes laughed, "I figured these two worked up a pretty good appetite, last night." He grinned and elbowed Danny knowingly in the ribs as he watched Lindsay try not to blush.

_And **this** is why I didn't want anyone to know about me and Danny. _Lindsay sighed and decided to just grin and bear it. She knew how to take her lumps. "Yeah, I could probably eat a horse, or two," she smiled. Looking at Jess with a certain amount of significance, she raised an eyebrow. "Or ten," she smirked. _Songs, poems, epic tales of untold glory, you name it. _

Jess grinned broadly. "I thought you looked… hungry," she winked.

"You have _no idea_," Lindsay winked back.

Danny glanced from one woman to the other as he transferred food from counter to table. _I hate it when they speak in code like that. _


	86. Nancy Drew's Got Nothin' On Her

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry that I've been gone for so long, but I've just been totally without inspiration for this story. I've tried writing the next chapter roughly 17 times, and they all suck. But since I know you probably want some closure on this whole thing instead of me just letting it stay in limbo forever, so I'm going to post this one, no matter what it's like.

Here's hoping it's a good one. Oh, and if you have any particular things you'd most like to see in this story before it ends (which will be sooner rather than later, since I'm running out of inspiration), feel free to review or PM. I'm also accepting suggestions for my next story.

Spoiler alert: Season 2 Episode 16 (but I can't find the ep online, so it'll be very vague)

**Chapter 86: Nancy Drew's Got Nothin' on Her**

Stella wiped her eyes with a Kleenex and then blew her nose as Sheldon finished relaying the story of his marriage proposal to Jess. He couldn't help but swell with pride at the reaction it elicited from his coworker.

"Oh Sheldon," she sniffled, "That's just so… romantic." Her voice cracked on the last word, and she had to blow her nose again.

"Y'alright there, Stella?" Flack asked as he walked into her office and saw the state she was in.

"I'm fine," she hiccoughed as she wiped her eyes again. "Sheldon was just telling me how he proposed to Jess."

Flack smacked his friend on the shoulder and grinned hugely. "Yeah, Mac told me the good news. Finally popped the question, huh?"

"We haven't set a date yet or anything, but yes. We're going to get married." Hawkes' chest puffed up again as he said those words.

Don chuckled and shook his head wonderingly, "Man, I can't believe you're getting' hitched."

"Why?" Stella asked indignantly. "He's definitely more marriageable than you are!"

"Whoa, easy there, Stella!" Flack raised his hands and took a step back. "I just meant that I dunno why he'd wanna leave our noble bachelor ranks."

"What? You mean **you** wouldn't give up bachelorhood for sex with a hot redhead any time you want it?" Danny asked, walking through the door and elbowing Don with a grin. _From the way you talk about Sarah all the time, I dunno how long **you'll** stay in the ranks._

Flack blinked for a moment, then considered. "You make a good point, there, actually."

"I thought Sarah was a blonde," Stella teased.

"Same principle," Flack blushed. "Anyway, I just stopped by to say I'm meetin' Mac at a scene. You guys seen Linds, or did she already leave?"

"Yeah, she got beeped on the way in this mornin'," Danny said over his shoulder as he started flipping with the file he'd come to get from Stella's desk. _Totally broke the mood of our makin' out on the subway. _There was a momentary silence in the room and Hawkes cleared his throat, giving Danny a significant look. "What?" he asked, cluelessly. _What'd I say?_

"So you two…" Flack gestured vaguely. "Came into work together this mornin'?"

_Oh shit. **That's** what I said._ "Hmm?" he said casually, taking a moment before looking back up from the file. "Nah, she was supposed to buy the coffee this mornin', but she called to tell me she'd have to gimme a raincheque."

"Suuure," Flack disagreed, but just exchanged a significant look with Stella before leaving for his crime scene.

"What?" Danny shrugged. _Don't make eyecontact. If you make eyecontact, she'll know._

Stella tapped her fingernails on her desk as she regarded him. "So…"

"Uh, Danny!" Hawkes said desperately, "Could you give me a hand with something in the lab?"

"Sure!" Danny replied eagerly. The two men made a quick exit from the lion's den. "You, are a life-saver!"

"And you," Hawkes pointed a hit with a smile, "Are buying me a **really** nice wedding present."

………

Lindsay was setting up to drain the water tower when her cell beeped to indicate a text message. Reaching into her pocket, she smiled when she saw it was from Danny. Then, she frowned when she read what it said.

_Flack's suspicious. _

Now, as a matter of course, Flack was always suspicious, but she had a feeling that Danny wasn't referring to a case at the moment. _Oh god. What did he do?_ She rolled her eyes as she texted back.

_Why? What did you do?_

Danny glanced over his shoulder in the lab to make sure that no one was reading over his shoulder before he looked at the message on his phone. He cringed slightly when he read it. _Why'd she think it was somethin' **I** did?_ He took a moment to consider that. _Okay, so maybe it **was** something' I did… but she don't know that!_ His fingers practically flew over the keys as he replied.

Lindsay scoffed as she read Danny's answer. _Why do I think it was him? He's gotta be kidding me. _She smiled as she sent back three dots. "…"

Danny's mouth turned up in a wry grin. _Okay, so it was obvious it was me. At least she's not actually pissed. _He actually whistled as he texted back.

………

_Dinner tonight? Or skip straight to dessert?_

"You know, most people don't smile that much when they're draining blood out of a water tower," Mac observed as he saw the grin light up Lindsay's face.

Lindsay blushed and stuffed her phone back into her pocket. "You've seen a lot of people draining blood from water towers, have you?" she asked, trying to throw him off the scent.

"Well," he answered, "When you've been around as long as I have…"

She grinned up at him and opened the tap to let the water start pouring out. _Change the topic…_ "So, did you ever find your sniper from the other day?"

Now it was Mac's turn to blush and look awkward. "I did, yes."

_Wow, that was terse. Even for Mac._ "Who was it?"

He cleared his throat and turned to gaze out over the rooftops. "Stella, actually." He smoothed down some nonexistent creases in his coat. "I've always said she'd make a great sniper. Well, except for her shoes."

"Too hard to walk in?"

"Too noisy." Mac smiled and looked back at his junior CSI. "I hear you had a bit of an adventure with water guns, yourself."

Lindsay turned bright red and suddenly resembled a deer caught in the headlights of a Sports Utility Vehicle. _How does he find this stuff out? HOW?_ "Uh… wh-what," she coughed and sputtered a bit, "What do you mean?"

Mac grinned again and turned away to greet Flack. "Remember. I hear everything."

………

"Haaawwwwkes," Stella sang merrily as she entered his office.

Sheldon looked up suspiciously from his paperwork. Stella singing usually meant that she wanted him to do the same… in the "spilling his guts" sense. "Hi Stella," he replied warily.

"Sooo…," she sat down in the chair in front of his desk and leaned over a bit to give him her full, eager attention. Her wide eyes and large smile couldn't quite mask the tenacious curiosity and steel resolve she always brought with her into the interrogation room.

"…Yes?" he asked, looking desperately back at his paperwork. Danny and Lindsay had both made it completely clear that they weren't going to make their new relationship known to the rest of the lab until they were sure that it wasn't just a fling. Sure, it was pretty obvious to both him and Jess that it _wasn't_ a fling, but when dealing with the Clueless Duo, you had to make allowances. If they didn't want to say anything yet, that was their decision, and he didn't want Stella to drag it out of him.

"How are things?" Stella asked casually, playing idly with the stapler on his desk.

"Good," he said smiling and nodding, but still not looking up from his desk. "Really good. Jess and I are inviting her folks up to the city in a couple of weeks so they can inspect me and pass judgement. She assures me that her father is a kind and loving ex-marine who will probably leave his rifle at home." He looked up and smiled. "Mac's gonna give me some pointers on how not to piss him off too much."

"Well, you're marrying his little girl, so I think the ship's already sailed on that one," she smiled back. Putting down the stapler, she grabbed a pen and started doodling on a notepad he had on his desk. "What about Lindsay? Is she alright with you two being all couple-y and in love? I always hated being single when my roommate had a guy." She looked up quickly and gauged his reaction, but his face remained passive and unreadable. Damnit.

"We try not to be too incredibly vomit-inducing, most of the time," he said, mildly. Stella was definitely losing her touch if that was the best she could come up with. He couldn't believe he'd been that worried. "If we feel the need to be cloying, we tend to go to my place."

"I'm glad it's all working out well, then," Stella smiled and pushed up from the chair. "I should probably get back to my own paperwork."

"I'll catch up with you later? Dinner?" he asked, looking back down at his notes.

"Sounds good," she made her way to the doorway and was just leaving when she suddenly stopped and looked back in. "Oh, before I forget. Danny wanted to know if you'd seen his watch. He can't find it."

"Last I saw, it was on the bathroom counter after my show…" Hawkes' mouth dropped open mid-word and he looked up to stare at Stella standing there in the doorway. "…er."

"You were at Jess' place last night, weren't you?" Stella asked, grinning broadly before she left, singing softly to herself.

Hawkes cursed under his breath. "Damn, she's good."


	87. Handball and Hygiene

**Chapter Eighty-Seven: Handball and Hygiene**

"Handball, eh?" Flack asked as he clapped Danny on the shoulder in the locker room.

Danny grinned back at his friend as he pulled off his sweats, "Figured it'd work better than interrogation." _Plus, I loved makin' that guy eat it for thinkin' I was a wuss._

"Who knew all that time we spent smackin' a ball around as kids'd be handy when we were cops?" Flack laughed and shook his head. "You get your answers?"

"I got enough," Danny grinned and tossed his sweaty clothes into his gym bag before grabbing a towel and heading into the shower room. _But playin' for three hours… man, I hope Linds is in the mood to gimme a massage tonight…and do all the work in the bedroom._

"Hey," Flack called from the door to the showers. "You wanna have a game sometime? For old times' sake?"

"What? Handball?" Danny squirted some shampoo onto the palm of his hand and started to wash his hair. "Ain't y'afraid I'd cream ya too bad?" _Handball ain't basketball, Flack. Your height won't help ya there. It's all about strength and speed, buddy. Strength and speed._

"Hah! I can handle it, Messer. Tomorrow afternoon… if you can still walk!" Flack laughed.

"I can walk all over you, buddy, any time and any place!" Danny trash-talked back. "But I got shift tomorrow afternoon… you have the mornin' off?"

"Nah, I start at 6 all week." Flack rolled his eyes and took a memo pad out of his jacket pocket. "Since when are we the kinda guys that hafta 'pencil each other in' just to play handball?" he scoffed to himself.

"I don't start til 1." Danny rinsed the shampoo out of his hair and started scrubbing the sweat off of his body. "How 'bout we play a quick game at lunch?"

"Sounds like a plan." Flack noted it in his memo pad and then put the book and his pencil back in his pocket. "And don't go chickening out on me, either, Messer."

"The only chicken I do is Parmesan!" Danny shot back.

"Is that what I can expect for dinner, tonight, then?" Lindsay asked, poking her head around the shower curtain of Danny's stall. _Mmmm. All this, and he can cook, too. _

_Jesus!_ "Holy…! Montana!" Danny jumped and pulled her into the stall with him. "You wanna get caught or somethin'?" he asked in a harsh whisper. "Flack's out there!"

Lindsay looked down at her rapidly soaking clothing and pursed her lips in annoyance. _What is it with him and getting me all wet?_ She blushed at her unintended double entendre and cocked an eyebrow as she responded. "Flack left. Do you really think I'm dumb enough to walk past him into the showers to see you?"

_Oops. Damage control! Make her laugh!_ "Women have been known to do some pretty stupid things to see me naked, y'know," he grinned sexily at her, taking in her now-clinging outfit. "I gotta say, Linds, you look damned good when you're all wet like that."

Lindsay laughed despite herself. _I really need to figure out a way that I can stay mad at him when he does that funny/sexy thing. _Reaching down, she unbuttoned her jacket and shrugged it off before pulling her shirt over her head and letting it drop with a splat on the shower floor. "And here I thought you liked me all wet like _this_," she retorted, wrapping her now-bare arms around his neck and pressing herself against him for a kiss.

_Ohhh man. In the shower at work? She's totally outta control._ Danny tangled his fingers in her hair and kissed her back feverishly. The sounds of her moans echoed off the shower walls and reverberated in his brain, making him want her even more. "I think I've created a monster," he whispered against her lips. Grinning, he added, "and I definitely like it." Pushing her against the wall, he unbuttoned her trousers and started pushing them down her hips. _I gotta convince her to start wearin' skirts to work._

_Ohhh god, we're at work! We can't do this at work! We can't…holy shit he's got great hands. _Lindsay panted against his lips and dug her nails into his shoulders. "I was a monster long before I moved to New York, Messer," she managed to quip in a throaty whisper as she wrapped on leg around his hips and pulled him flush against her. _Who am I kidding? We could be doing this in the middle of Times Square and I wouldn't give a damn._

"Ahem."

Danny and Lindsay both froze in place so that the only sound to be heard was the steady patter of water hitting the shower floor. Lindsay bit her lip and shook her head with wide, scared eyes. _Don't say anything. Don't say anything! If you don't say anything they might go away._

Danny closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. _If I don't say anything, he'll never go away._ "Yeah, Mac?"

"Two things," came the dry voice of their superior from outside of the shower room. "One, Stella's waiting for you to go and talk to your suspect." He paused and Danny could just imagine him trying to keep a straight face.

"And the other thing?" he asked, bracing himself.

"I'm pretty sure what you're doing in there isn't all that hygienic."

Lindsay closed her eyes and buried her face in Danny's chest. _I wonder if I could convince Flack to shoot me. Just a little bit. _

Danny cleared his throat awkwardly. "Uh… yeah. I'll just um…"

"Front doors, 10 minutes."

"You got it, Mac." Danny ran a hand through his wet hair and leaned his forehead against the cool wall behind Lindsay. _Well, that coulda been worse…_

"Oh, and Lindsay?"

Lindsay looked up with a panicked expression. _Oh no. Oh good **God** no!_ "Yes, Mac? she squeaked.

"Get back on those footprints, alright? I want to hear something by the end of the day."

"Right," she called, and then listened as Mac's footprints left the locker room. _I might be able to look him in the face by then._


	88. Comeuppance

**Author's Note: **This one's for roswellwbfan.

**Chapter Eighty-Eight: Comeuppance**

Adam was dancing around the lab to the Eagles of Death Metal on his iPod when Lindsay grabbed his elbow and dragged him out of the room, down the hallway, and into the women's bathroom.

"Lindsay? What…? What are you…?" he glanced around the room in a combination of fear and curiosity before whispering, "This is the **girls' room**!"

_Can't get anything past him, can you?_ Lindsay rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "I know. And we're not leaving here until I get a few answers."

Curiosity decided that fear was the winner in the fight for control of Adam's features and left his face rapidly. Fear, the winner of the real estate wars, took up sole possession of the tech's features and expanded itself into terror. Adam gulped noisily. "Wh-what … what _kind_ of answers?" he squeaked.

………

Danny lunged for the ball and missed, skidding across the pavement of the Crime Lab's back parking lot.

"I'm pretty sure," Flack panted with a wide grin, "that that was game point."

"Yeah, yeah," Danny agreed, good-naturedly. "Since when can you play handball, anyway?" _Guy used to play like my great-aunt Martha._

"Oh, y'know," Flack said casually, stretching to relief some of the pressure in his back. "Since my nephew grew outta diapers and into street ball."

"**Now** he tells me," Danny panted, shaking his head and laughing. _I used to **like** that kid, too._

"Now," Flack said, adopting the profession tone he used when questioning witnesses. "I believe that by your own rules of interrogation, I get to ask a few questions…" He walked over to his gym bag resting in an empty parking space and took out his memo pad.

"…What?" Danny asked, looking up from his bent-over position. _Shit. It was a setup! _Suddenly he wasn't as interested in catching his breath as he was in running away.

"I believe that you, Daniel Messer, and one Lindsay Monroe have a history of flirtation and occasional physical contact, is that correct?" Flack asked, looking up from his notes with a particularly sadistic expression on his face.

"…oh God." _Why can't he just **shoot** me a little bit? It'd hurt less._

………

"You walked in on him doing _what_?" Lindsay asked, thoroughly surprised. _I knew I got him kinda hot and bothered before we started going out, but… **wow**._ "Is _that_ why you were so weird around him?"

Adam nodded miserably as he sat uncomfortably on the edge of the bathroom counter.

"Okay," Lindsay started ticking things off on her fingers. "Danny _doesn't_ know that I almost said his name when I was having sex with Chris… but everyone else does?" _Thank God for small favours. He'd never let me hear the end of **that** one._ Adam groaned in confirmation. "_You're_ the one who started the water gun fight," _I'd be tempted to charge him for dry-cleaning, but he's the best source of information I've got around here, and I don't want to piss him off._ "Mac was with Stella at the mayor's fundraiser that night when we had the subway surfer?" _**That's** definitely an interesting piece of information that I'll tuck away for future use._ "Marty made out with the Marilyn Monroe impersonator at the Cabaret?" Adam shuddered as he tried for the millionth time to rid his mind of that mental image and Lindsay pursed her lips and tried to imagine it. She was quite thankful when she failed. "And you walked in on Danny…" she coughed, unable to actually repeat the phrase that Adam had used and instead substituted a hand gesture. "… and he said that he was thinking about **me** when he was… doing … that?"

"Yes, now _please_ can I go?" Adam had a pleading expression on his face and had already started to move toward the door.

"No other rumours from that Cabaret night?" Lindsay asked casually. _Please, let no one else know about Chris being Frankie._

Adam shrugged, "Well, Mac went home with somebody, but I didn't see who it was. Oh, and I think Sid's taking Judy to Vegas or something, but that's about it."

_Thank God._ "Alright, then I just have one more question for you…" she crossed her arms and put on her best interrogation face. "Who in the **world** told you that I was **pregnant?!**"

The terror that had taken over Adam's face at the beginning of this conversation drained away along with all of the blood in his head as the question he'd been dreading came out of her mouth. He was suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable urge either to wet himself or to vomit. "I… I… I … I can't …" he bolted into the nearest stall and started taking deep breaths as he leaned over the bowl. Stars appeared in front of his eyes as he hyperventilated.

"Adam?" Lindsay asked, full of concern. _Whoa. That was… unexpected._ "Adam? Are you ok? What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you about that, Lindsay. I really can't. If I tell you about that, Stella's gonna kill me, and she's got connections… she probably knows a guy who knows a guy who sells concrete pajamas…"

"… overshoes."

"… whatever, and next thing you know, I'm sleeping with the dolphins."

"… fishes."

"I don't want to sleep with the fishes, Lindsay!" he turned desperately and clung to her sweater. "Fish _eat_ dead bodies!"

Lindsay patted Adam awkwardly on the back and made calming sounds. _Stella, eh? Well, we'll just see about that. _

………

"Pleasure doin' business with ya, Danny," Flack said cheerfully as he clapped his friend on the shoulder and folded up his notepad. He had to go see Stella about that pool.

"Yeah, it's been fun," Danny replied sourly. _Like we'da been able to keep it secret long, anyway. We just **had** to work with a buncha detectives. Eeesh._

………

"Yo, Stel!" Flack called, jogging down the hallway to catch up with her. "I got some info for ya… and I wanna see that book you got goin' on Dan and Linds."

Stella raised an eyebrow. "Is it your week, already?"

"Nah, I had last month. I still can't believe they held out that long. Though lemme tellya, when I heard that rumour about Linds bein' pregnant, I thought for sure I was the winner."

Stella managed to hide her guilty expression by leaning forward and allowing her hair to cover her face. She still felt bad that a chance remark to herself had managed to get around the whole lab in a matter of minutes. Still, it had all sorted itself out, right? Unlocking the drawer where she kept her book, she pulled it open and was surprised to find it empty.

"Looking for this?" Lindsay asked from the doorway, holding up the ledger with the bets recorded in it. _This is the least I can do after dragging all of that stuff out of him._ Don and Stella shared a guilty look and stumbled over each other trying to explain the situation. Lindsay held up a hand and smiled. "I understand, guys. Don't worry!" _And don't think I won't get a little payback some day._ "But I think you'll understand when I say that I'm not giving this back."

"… but… who…?" Flack gestured helplessly as he pictured his fifty dollar bill sprouting wings and flying off to wherever money goes to when it isn't in his wallet.

Lindsay flipped open the book and pretended to read it. "Hmmm. Interesting. How about that?" She closed it with a snap and smiled at them, again. "Guess I'd better go deliver the winnings. Pleasure doing business with you," she said pointedly, glaring slightly at Flack. _You don't play my boyfriend without getting played in return. Remember that._

Flack flinched slightly and Stella heaved a sigh. They still had the marriage pool, at least.


	89. Relationship Recapping

**Author's Note: **While I haven't technically been _dead_, I haven't exactly been around. We'll move on past me working a bazillion hours a week, socializing like mad, and finally **getting some** from my hot coworker (of DOOM) and head right on over to the next chapter in the story that won't end and hardly ever gets updated anymore. I really do need to get back into the swing of this story, again. I miss it. Oh, and I'm throwing in a reference to my "Adam and the Suicide Girl" story, too. She's his girlfriend, and her name is Eve. That's all that's important to know.

**Chapter 89: Relationship Recapping**

Adam was still a bit confused by the wad of cash that Lindsay had handed him at the end of shift, but she assured him that he'd earned it and that no one would come looking for him with concrete _anything_. He was glad not to worry about fish, though. Fish were scary. Shuddering, he decided he'd take Eve to a seafood place and eat away his fears.

……….

Danny looked up from the beer that Lindsay had bought him and smirked at her across the table. "You didn't really need _me_ to help ya with those bootprints, didja?" _Flack's got 15lbs on me. He'da been able to carry her without the extra weight._

Lindsay smirked back, "Not as such, no," she took a flirtatious sip of the 'girly drink' she'd ordered and laughed as he closely watched the way her tongue moved over her straw. _Men are so easy, sometimes._ "I just thought it'd be best _not_ to have you wanting to beat up another cop for carrying me across a roof."

Danny opened his mouth to protest, then pursed his lips for a moment. _I wouldn't say **beat up**. Maybe **intimidate** a little. There might be a **conversation** of some sort between us. But I wouldn't actually **beat up** a cop. _"You think I like ya that much, do ya?" he grinned. _Well, maybe if it was Flack._

"I think you loooooooove me," Lindsay laughed and fluttered her eyelashes while pressing her hands dramatically over her heart. "You want to daaaaaaaaate me." She did a little dance. "And make love toooooooo me." She hiccoughed slightly and fell over in the booth. _Whoopsie daisy._

Laughing at the clearly inebriated woman across from him, Danny shook his head and put some money down on the table. "Two outta three ain't bad, there, Montana," he grinned. Sliding out of his side of the booth with barely a stumble, he reached down and pulled her to her feet.

She tripped over her feet and fell against his chest, wrapping her arms clumsily around his neck and mumbling into his shirt, "Three outta three over here, Cowboy!" Then she broke into hysterical giggles and fell on her butt on the floor.

Danny blinked, frozen, as his brain suddenly exploded into sobriety. "What did you just say?"

The only response was a gentle snoring coming up from the floor.

……….

Stella opened her door and awkwardly led Mac into her apartment. He'd been here many times before, even for dinner, but he'd never dressed up for the occasion. He'd also never kissed her on the cheek while handing her flowers. This was definitely… new.

……….

Jess curled up against Sheldon and nuzzled his neck. She wanted him to love her as much as possible before her parents showed up and convinced him that she was a total nutcase and completely unmarriageable. They wouldn't do it on purpose or anything. They wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. The problem wasn't their intention, it was the result.

Sheldon turned and kissed her softly before pulling back and looking into those grey eyes that he could always get lost in. He wanted to love her as much as possible before her parents showed up and convinced her that he was too old for her. He felt a slight pang as he recalled again just how wide their age gap was, but if she didn't mind it, then he'd put it out of his mind. She made him feel like he was fifteen again, anyway.

He kissed her again, and she kissed him back, and before long neither of them were thinking of anything but each other.

……….

Sid and Judy landed in Vegas and immediately went to the strip. They were tourists, and they didn't care who knew it. Sid's Hawaiian shirt clashed beautifully with the neon lights of the casinos and Judy's sequined dress turned blinding on the strip.

……….

"Happy Birthday, Mr. Pino-sent…" cooed Marilyn to an enraptured Marty. "Happy…" she leaned down over him, "Birrrrrthday…" climbed onto his lap, "Toooo…" looked into his eyes and paused with her lips a hairsbreadth from his, "Youuu…" and kissed him, long and deep.

……….

"I'm just sayin' is all," Flack pointed out to Sarah.

"I know what you're 'just saying,' and it doesn't matter," she replied, messing up his hair and watching him scowl as he tried to put it back in place. She smiled and kissed his cheek. "I don't care that you're a mean and grizzled New York City cop," she snuggled up to him. "I still think you'd be perfect to be the clown at my niece's birthday party."

Flack closed his eyes in mute surrender as he felt himself get wrapped around her little finger. "I swear to God, if any of the guys find out about this…" he threatened.

"You can tell them that I promised you incredibly wild and kinky sex in exchange," she replied calmly.

Don perked right up at that suggestion. "**Do** you promise wild and kinky sex in exchange?" he asked, hopefully.

Sarah grinned seductively and stood up, beckoning him to follow her. "One way for you to find out…"

……….

Danny poured Lindsay into her bed and then stripped off her clothes. She was singing softly, now, "If you want my body…" It was an improvement over the top-of-her-lungs performance in the cab, that was for sure.

"… and you think I'm sexy…" she wiggled her hips and gestured for him to join her on the bed.

Danny watched her display and groaned, wanting to join her more than anything and yet not wanting to take advantage of a drunk woman. "Oh, I think you're sexy alright, Montana. But I also think you're drunker thank Flack on St. Patrick's Day." He pulled a pair of flannel pyjamas out of her top drawer and started to get her ready for bed. _She didn't say it, man, so just stop thinkin' about it already. She's so drunk, she thinks that **toes** are funny. _He watched as she giggled at her own feet. Shaking his head, he buttoned up her shirt.

"…come on sugar, LET ME KNOW!" Lindsay fell back on the bed and started to sing loudly, again.

Covering his face with his hands for a moment, Danny cursed whatever the hell it was that they put in a pink squirrel and kicked off his shoes before climbing into bed with his little Pavarotti.

"Alright, alright. I want your body and I think you're sexy. There, you know. Can you **stop singing now?**" _Please, for the love of all that's holy?_

Lindsay nodded, satisfied, and curled up against him. "I think you're sexy, too," she mumbled into his chest. "Remind me to tell you that again when I'm not so spinny, k?"


	90. The One with the Wedding

**Chapter 90: The One with the Wedding**

Danny stared up at the ceiling and listened to the gentle snoring coming from the woman curled up around him. _She couldn't be… could she? _He looked down on the mass of wavy hair that framed her face, illuminated in the street lights shining in through the curtains. _Nah, no way. _Looking back up at the ceiling, he heaved a sigh. _No way at all._

………

"Are you completely certain, my dear?" Sid asked graciously as he waltzed Judy down the strip and over to a little chapel near the Bellagio. Dipping her in front of the doorway, he gave her a rackish smile and wiggled his eyebrows. "I admit that, for you, I'm content to live in sin…"

Judy laughed and smiled back up at him. "For you, my dear, I'll end my days of old maidenhood and don the proverbial ball and chain… as long as you promise to bring the handcuffs on the honeymoon."

"Now _that_," he replied as he lifted her back up and pulled her close, "is a wedding vow I can _definitely_ see myself making."

………

_Even if she **is**… that don't mean things have to change, does it?_ Danny chewed on his bottom lip and frowned up at the cracked plaster. _We got a good thing goin' on here. _He allowed himself a smile as he remembered what they'd been doing just that morning. _A **damned** good thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?_ He nodded to himself. _Right._ With that, he rolled over to get some sleep.

………

Judy giggled in pretend horror as Sid groped her behind while they waited their turn. "Sidney Alan Hammerbach, you behave yourself!" she admonished while simultaneously turning so that her rump was more easily reachable.

Sid's expression was of complete innocence, even as his fingers bunched up her skirt behind her. "My darling, whatever are you talking about?" he queried, nuzzling into her neck. "I am nothing if not a complete gentleman!"

Judy gasped as he kissed the hollow of her throat, "If by 'gentleman' you mean 'dirty old lech,' then of course you are!"

Sid raised his head long enough to give her a devilish grin. "You do know me well, queen of my heart."

"Ahem," came a bored-sounding voice from the bubblegum pink desk in the foyer. "Hammer-batch and Garland? Are Hammer-batch and Garland still here and sober?" The secretary snapped her gum as she looked around with dull eyes.

"Show time!" Judy whispered, her face alight.

………

Sighing, Danny sat up in bed and ran a hand through his hair. _She can't be in love with me. _He looked down at her sleeping form once more, this time unable to suppress his chuckle at the sight of her hugging a teddy bear. _I ain't the guy you fall in love with. I'm the guy you go to for drinks and laughs and a good time in the sack. That's what I'm good at. _Shaking his head, he gave up on sleep and, pulling on his clothes, went out into the living room. _I can't do the rest._

………

"Dearly beloved," began the strangely-hefty woman who was somehow attempting to impersonate Elvis. "(or at least those conscious and in attendance)." Sid and Judy exchanged a glance, then looked around the room. She had a fair point.

"We are here to stand witness to the love (or incredible alcohol intake) of this man and this woman, who wish to become husband and wife for reasons that I'm sure seem very important, at the moment." Obviously, this was an officiant who had done a wedding or two in her time.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but should not be entered into lightly. Let those of us who understand it stay quiet and let this couple learn it for themselves." Okay, maybe _more_ than a time or two.

"Let them unburden their hearts to each other, or to friends, or to the barman at their favourite pub, always remembering that it's usually the husband who doesn't understand what the wife is saying and the wife who claims that the husband isn't listening to her, anyway and let them remember that nobody's perfect, not even themselves, and that their union is blessed under Heaven (or at least under the auspices of this 24 hour chapel and laundry service)."

"Let them live most happily together to a ripe old age (or at least until their vacation in Vegas is over so that I don't have to give them their money back), realizing that love is rare enough in this world that you should always give it the benefit of the doubt."

"Let their union be blessed with children (or not, depending on whether or not they want kids and how well they're able to use contraception), and may they remember this day with fondness (or, you know, at all) on each of their anniversaries in the years to come (assuming the marriage lasts more than six months)."

Clearing her throat and apparently having gotten everything off of her chest that she felt was required, Elvis turned to the couple in question and got down to business. "Do you, Sidney Alan Hammer-batch…"

"Hammer-back." Sid correctly absently, still managing to stare lovingly at Judy, even after that less than inspiring speech by a rather ridiculous-looking dead rock n' roll musician.

"Hammer-back take this woman to be your wife? To have and to hold? To cheat on or not as your conscience sees fit? To ignore when she nags you and schlup every time your hormones get out of control?"

"I do."

"You're sure?" Elvis asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised. Shrugging, she moved on with the ceremony. "Repeat after me: with this ring, I thee wed."

Sid slipped the golden band on Judy's finger and spoke with confidence. "With this ring, I thee wed."

"Do you, Judith Frances Garland… is that your real name? Seriously?" Shaking her head and looking rather unsure of things, Elvis continued. "Do you take this man to be your husband? To have and to hold? To have sex with whether you want to or not? To stay with, even if he doesn't take out the garbage or wash the dishes when you ask him to?"

"I do."

"No accounting for taste," Elvis muttered under her breath. "Repeat after me: with this ring, I thee wed."

Judy brushed away a tear, caused either by the tender emotions of love or the strain of suppressing her laughter. "With this ring, I thee wed."

Taking a deep breath, she plowed on with, "Letanyonewhohasanyobjectionslethimspeaknoworforeverholdhispeace. No? Alright, then. By the power vested in me by God, Elvis, and the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Sid and Judy stood there grinning at each other, unable to believe that they'd actually done it. Man, his kids were gonna have a field day with this one.

"Well?" Elvis said impatiently, tapping her fingers on her lecturn. "Kiss her, already! We've got a logjam in the waiting room!"

………

Leaving a note on the fridge, Danny quietly slipped out of the apartment, sliding Lindsay's key back under the door after he'd locked it.


	91. Cowboys

**Author's Note: **I hope you all liked the bitter she-Elvis in the last chapter. I'd promised RachelHeidi an aeon or so ago that I'd give Sid and Judy an Elvis wedding in Vegas, and I figured that so much time had passed, I'd better make it a bit over the top. It was insanely fun to write, so I hope it was fun to read. :D And yes, Danny's a moron, but ... well, let's just say that I loves me a happy ending and leave it at that.**  
**

**Chapter 91: Cowboys**

Lindsay groaned as she groped for the snooze button. _Holy crap. What in the hell do they put in a freakin' Pink Squirrel, anyway?_ Grasping her skull in her hands she attempted to piece it back together after the cranial explosion that had occurred when her alarm went off. _I swear I only had **two**!_

She groaned again and rolled over, expecting to run into the wall of warmth that was Danny. Instead, she faceplanted onto the mattress. _He must have gone home last night since he has early shift, today._ Letting out a large sigh of protest, she grit her teeth and heaved herself up from her bed. _Right. Coffee._

………

Flack looked down at checkered shirt he was wearing and looked back up at his girlfriend. "You're kiddin' me, right?" he asked, one eyebrow raised. "You want I should go out in public like this?"

Sarah suppressed a grin, hiding something behind her back. "What public?" she asked, innocently. "It's a birthday party for a five year old girl."

Don sighed and shook his head. At least he was able to wear jeans on his day off, even if he had to look like a complete dork while he did. "I'm just glad they decided not to go with the clown idea."

"Turns out, she's scared of clowns."

"Can't blame the kid," he shrugged. "They scare the shit outta me, too." Pulling on the second boot, he stood up from the bed and donned his hat. "Well, whaddaya think?" he spread his arms wide, seeking approval.

Grinning, Sarah revealed the bag she'd been hiding. "Only one thing missing." Handing it to him, she backed up to the doorway of the bedroom in which Flack had been changing.

"What's this?" he asked curiously as he took the package out. It appeared to be cloth of some kind, but it wasn't immediately recognizable to him as something he might wear.

"Chaps," Sarah blurted before laughing and running down the stairs.

Flack stood there open-mouthed for a moment before instinctively looking around for his gun.

………

Lindsay padded into the kitchen, still struggling to shake off the last remnants of sleep. Yawning, she pushed her hair behind her ears and then reached for the freezer door to access the wonderful cache of coffee beans contained therein. She paused with the coffee in one hand and the door half-closed as she finally noticed the note that was being held up by the Chinese restaurant's fridge magnet.

Stifling another yawn, she closed the door and pulled the note off.

_Linds –_

_I know you want coffee, but drink water first. Trust me, it'll do you more good. There's aspirin on the table. I'll have the biggest coffee you've ever seen waiting on your desk at work. _

_-- Danny_

She smiled to herself and replaced the coffee in the freezer.

………

"You're not a _real_ cowboy!" shouted a particularly hyperactive five year old boy before kicking Flack in the shins and running away.

Flack ground his teeth and seethed internally, wishing he were armed with more than a toy. His fingers clenched into fists at his sides and he started counting slowly to ten.

"What are you counting?" asked the birthday girl.

"Aagh!" he jumped, not entirely sure what to do about any child, let alone a female one, who approached him seeking information. His default position was to tell them to ask their mothers, but he couldn't very well do that in this situation. "Umm… balloons?" he said, not at all sure of himself.

"Oh," she said, seemingly disappointed. "I did that already." Heaving a sigh, she turned to go.

"You… did?" he asked, wondering why on Earth a girl would count the balloons at her own party.

"There's 24 purple ones and 17 green ones and 14 (ugh) pink ones and only 5 yellow ones," she said informatively.

"You… uh… like yellow, then?" Don looked around desperately, wishing that someone's mom would come and rescue him.

"_Yeah_," she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "But my _mom_ always wants everything to be _pink_ or something girlie like that." She rolled her eyes in disgust.

Flack just had to chuckle at that. "Hey, what's your name, kid?"

"Amy. What's yours?"

"You can call me Flack."

Holding out her hand in an official manner, she said, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Flack."

………

Walking toward her desk, Lindsay's eyes grew wide at the sight she was greeted with. Not only was there a large travel mug of coffee sitting next to her computer, there was also a thermos which she was fairly certain contained more of that precious caffeine she was so desperately craving. Next to the liquid of the gods was a plate with a banana nut muffin and a cherry danish, her favourite. _Damn. He's good._

"Hey Montana," Danny greeted her from the door. _You can do this. It's just Montana. _

Turning, she gave him her biggest smile. "Hey yourself, Messer!" Looking at him more closely, her expression turned to one of concern. "Are you alright? You don't look so good." She closed the distance between them and pressed a cool hand to his forehead.

Pulling back, Danny shrugged. "Yeah, I'm alright." _Shit. Now she looks like I just kicked her puppy. _He ran a hand through his hair.

_Why's he acting all weird?_ She gave him a curious look but decided to let it drop. Regaining a bit of her smile, she gestured toward her desk. "Thanks for breakfast! I can't believe you did that!"

_I **know** I ain't the thoughtful type. You don't hafta rub it in or nothing, Montana._ "Sure, no problem." He ran a hand through his hair again and licked his lips. "Look, I gotta go talk to Hawkes for a bit. I'll catch ya later, ok?"

Lindsay blinked and wrinkled her brow a bit. "Uh… ok. See you." _What in the hell was **that**?_

………

"… and that's how you disarm a perp coming at you with a knife," Flack concluded, addressing a group of rapt kindergarteners whose mothers had no idea the nature of the story that he was telling them.

"_Cooooool_," chorused the group, on the whole.

One boy, however, stood up and stomped over to Flack and kicked him in the shins. "You're not a _real_ police officer!" he shouted.

Flack waved Sarah over from the group of women who were huddled, chatting, by the cake. "Any chance I can bring this kid," he jerked a thumb at the kid in question, "down to the station and book him?"

"**_Cooooool!_**" chorused the rest of the kids.


	92. Oh

**Chapter 92: Oh.**

"Hey Hawkes," Lindsay greeted her coworker. "You know where Danny went? Adam's looking for him with some results."

Sheldon looked up from the microscope he'd been busily peering into. "Danny?" he asked, surprised. Turning his lips down in a sort of facial shrug, he continued, "I haven't seen him yet, today. I thought he was out in the field."

Lindsay frowned. "You haven't seen him _at all_ today?" _I thought he had to run off before to 'talk to Hawkes.'_

"Nope, sorry. I'll let him know you were looking for him if I see him, shall I?" he offered helpfully.

_Maybe he got a call before he could come over here_. Lindsay shrugged mentally, trying not to let her self get paranoid. "Yeah, thanks Shel." She turned to leave and then paused when she remembered something. "Oh hey, are you still coming over tonight to pick the big day?"

Sheldon's face broke into a broad grin, as it did every time his upcoming marriage was mentioned. After a moment, however, his grin soured into a wry expression. "Can't. Mac needs me here, tonight, so we're going to try again this weekend."

"Paperwork?" Lindsay asked sympathetically.

"The man's obsessed," Hawkes chuckled in response. "Plus, my little trip to France put me behind on my monthlies and well… they're due in three days. He's got a good point."

"All I can say is, 'better you than me'." Lindsay grinned before ducking around the corner. Sheldon's laughter followed her as she left.

………

Danny scanned the area surrounding his former crime scene, trying to think. He'd already nabbed the guy and was, as usual, disgusted by the reasons why people kill. _Murderin' someone over fashion? Who even **does** that?_ Rolling his eyes, he packed up his kit and sketchpad and nodded to the officer with him, indicating his permission to release the scene.

He didn't usually do the final cleanup these days. They had CSI trainees to do that, part of the practical experience they needed to complete before they were fully certified. He just had to get out of the office and into the open air. Of course, it wasn't like the air around here was all that fresh, but it was better than being inside a concrete box when he was feeling like this.

Looking around him, Danny took in the sights and sounds of the neighbourhood that was remarkably like where he, himself, grew up. He looked at the basketball court where the young guys would go to hang out and blow off some steam. He saw the barbershops and beauty salons which were de facto community centres. He watched some kids playing handball and half-smiled at the memory of his own game two days before. In the distance, sirens echoed off the sides of buildings, a testament to the dangers of the city.

_This is all I know. _He looked at the group of young girls skipping double dutch on the concrete near the sandbox. _It wasn't a bad childhood… but it sure as hell wasn't cows and wheat fields. _Licking his lips, he ran a hand through his hair, scanning the neighbourhood again. Sighing, he trekked back to his car and started the trip back to the department.

………

"You home?" Lindsay called out to her roommate as she entered her apartment. A loud clang from the kitchen indicated that she was. _Oh god. I hope she's not trying to bake, again._ Peering cautiously around the doorframe, Lindsay bit her lip to choke off the laughter that was bubbling up in her throat. Jess, and about eighty percent of the surface area of the kitchen, was covered in flour.

"Oh, hi," her roommate finally answered, distractedly blowing a cloud of white powder from her face as she tried to brush her hair out of her eyes.

"…hi," Lindsay replied. _Why can't she just buy Oreos like a normal person?_ "So… what are you making?" She tried to keep her voice normal, but it came out slightly choked by the difficulty of hiding her amusement.

Jess regarded her friend as if she were slightly unbalanced. "Cookies," she informed her, as if it should be completely obvious.

Lindsay took a more careful look at the kitchen and was able to discern the outline of a cookie sheet, hidden under a cookbook, a hand beater, and a fairly thick layer of flour. _If I weren't observant for a living, I never would have seen that. _"Ah," she said, still trying to hide her smile. "Well, carry on then." Ducking back into the hallway, she made a mad dash for her bedroom and managed to close the door before bursting into hysterical laughter. _I **really** need to invest in a digital camera, one of these days._

………

"Ma…" Danny struggled as strong arms wrapped themselves around his neck and pulled him downwards. _You'd think I'd been gone a year, the way she's carryin' on._ "Ma…" he tried to resist as he was enveloped in a small cloud of perfume and his cheeks were stained scarlet by the same lipstick that had been staining them since 1975. _Oh man, that stuff's **never** comin' off._ "Ma!" he yelped as one of the arms loosened from his neck, only to smack him in the back of the head hard enough to make his glasses wobble. "What was **that** for?" he protested, finally disentangling himself and rubbing the back of his skull.

"You don't visit enough," his mother said flatly before returning to the kitchen. She had a pot of sauce on the stove that she wasn't about to let burn, even if her little boy had come home to visit.

Danny followed, still rubbing his head and looking more like a petulant 5-year-old than a full grown man. "That don't mean you gotta hit me, do it?" he asked, leaning over his mother's shoulder to take a look at the sauce. He was just about to stick a finger in to get a taste when the wooden spoon she kept on the stove for such circumstances rose up and smacked him on the back of the hand. "Ow!" _Damnit, I must be gettin' slow._

"If you wanna taste the sauce, then you'll have to stay for dinner," she informed him coolly, elbowing him in the stomach to get him to move out of her way.

"Look, Ma…" Danny started, hands spread wide in a gesture of peace.

"Don't you 'Look, Ma' me!" She replied with some heat. "You don't call. You don't visit. And it's not like you live on the other side of the planet or anything, either." She moved over to the counter and started chopping vegetables with an energy that made Danny want to take the knife away from her.

"I know, Ma," he said, looking at the floor and rubbing the back of his neck in that way that reminded her of when he was little and he told her that he'd gotten detention, again. _It's not like I **mean** to stay away, I just… _ "I just… I'm busy with work, y'know?" Looking up at her again, he fixed her with those blue eyes that were so much like his father's that she was never able to stay mad at him for long. _I **hafta** work._

Sighing, she put the knife down and moved back to her son, this time taking his face gently between her two hands. "I know, honey. And you know that I'm _so proud_ of the work that you do." She gave him a smile full of motherly love before smacking the back of his head again. "But you still need to visit more."

………

"Try one," Jess said as she set down a plate full of vaguely cookie-shaped items that were a distressing shade of black.

Lindsay blinked at the plate and then looked up at her friend. _You're testing me. There's no way you actually expect me to eat these things. _"They look…" she cast around helplessly looking for the right adjective.

Jess raised an eyebrow, crossed her arms over her chest, and waited. "Yeeeeessss?"

_Solid? No. Carboniferous? Gah, no. Oxidized? Crap._ Steeling herself and with a hopeful look on her face, Lindsay tried, "… well-done?"

Jess sighed and flopped down on the couch next to her friend. "They look horrible, I know." Picking up a cookie, she knocked it a few times on the table, creating an impressive thumping noise. "I can cook anything under the sun that I've tried, but I can't bake. Why is that?"

Lindsay wrapped her arm around her friend and gave her a comforting hug. "One of life's great mysteries."

"I just wanted to make Shel some chocolate chip cookies because he mentioned the other day how his mom used to make them for him, but I can't bake cookies without them turning into the kind of blunt objects that you see at work all the time, and I just want to be able to make them for my soon-to-be husband because he misses them and it's my job to make him happy!" Finally stopping for breath, Jess looked fairly miserable.

"I seriously doubt that he's going to call off the wedding just because you can't make cookies," Lindsay said reasonably. "There are about fifteen million other things about you that he _loves_. He's not going to stop loving you over something as silly as your lack of baking ability." _I wonder if this is that cold feet thing that people are always talking about?_

"I _know_ that, in here," Jess tapped her forehead. "It's just getting _this_," she lightly punched her chest in frustration, "to agree that's the problem."

"Yeah, I hear ya," Lindsay agreed with feeling. _Hearts really should listen to minds more often._

"Uhoh," Jess sat up suddenly, suspicion crawling across her face. "What happened with Danny?"

"Nothing!" Lindsay protested, holding up her hands as if to prove she wasn't holding anything back.

"Spill!" It was surprising how a woman as generally pleasant and physically unintimidating as Jess could suddenly scare the bejeesus out of her.

_Flack could **totally** take lessons from her. _

………

"Who is she?"

Danny caught the towel his mother threw at him and tossed it over his shoulder. "Who?" he asked as he plunged his arms into the hot, soapy water. _How does she always **know**?_

"The girl who's got you so miserable that you're washing dishes in my kitchen," she replied, stacking the dirty plates next to the sink. "You only ever volunteer to wash when your head's all messed up over a girl."

Danny blinked and tried to think back. _That can't be right, can it? _"Seriously?"

Shaking her head, she reached up and patted him on the cheek. "I'm your mother, Daniel. I know these things." Pulling up a chair, she settled in and got comfortable so that she could listen to the whole story. "Now, tell me about this girl that's got my boy so upset."

………

"Well," Jess thought after having listened to Lindsay's recap of her boyfriend's strange behaviour. "Have you done anything that might have pissed him off?"

_Thanks for the vote of confidence._ "Not that I'm aware of," Lindsay rolled her eyes.

"Did you forget his birthday?"

"No."

"Stand him up for a date?"

"No."

"Break something of his that he really likes?"

"No."

"Did anything happen at work?"

"No."

"Any fights when you went out last night?"

"No…" Lindsay's brow wrinkled as she tried to remember what they'd talked about. "I don't _think_ so…" _Okay, we were at the restaurant…_

………

Danny concluded his retelling of his woes and put the plates back into the cupboard.

"_That's_ what's got you so upset?"

_She makes it sound like nothin'._ "Well, yeah."

With his back facing her, he didn't see the blow coming until the it landed smack in the middle of his head. "My son," she said in frustrated resignation, "is an idiot."

………

Lindsay's eyes widened and her hand reached up to cover her mouth in sudden realization. "**_Oh._**"


	93. Baked Goods and Advice

**Chapter 93: Baked Goods and Advice**

"You know," Jess started in a reasonable tone of voice as she leaned back into the cushions of the couch, propped her feet up on the coffee table, and folded her hands behind her head. "For a girl who supposedly keeps wanting to _slow down_ with Mr. Daniel So-Hot-He-Melts-Your-Panties Messer, you sure do keep speeding things up." She had been playing a one-person game of table hockey with one of her puck-like cookies before she sat back and now casually took a bite, instantly regretting it.

Lindsay patiently waited for the hacking and retching to desist, trying to think up a good way to argue her friend's point. _Yeah, I've got nothing._ "But _why_ do I keep speeding things up?" she beseeched. "I don't _want_ to get serious with him! I just _got out_ of a relationship with a hot guy who was all wrong for me. The _last_ thing I need to do is start getting serious with _another_ one!" _Even one as smart and funny and sweet and holy-fucking-god-**sexy** as Danny._

Jess rolled her tongue across her front teeth, trying to gauge the extent of the damage she'd perpetrated on her oral cavity. "Well," she offered, spitting delicately into a paper towel again and wrinkling her nose at the mass of blackness she'd expelled. "Are you _sure_ that _this_ hot guy is all wrong for you?" Smacking her lips and dragging her tongue along her upper teeth in an attempt to rid herself of the charcoal taste, she continued, "I mean, you two do seem pretty well-suited, don't you?"

"Well…"

"Does he make you laugh?"

_I once snorted Coke out my nose. Painful, but funny. _Lindsay nodded.

"Does he make you feel beautiful and smart?"

She blushed and nodded again. _'Well hello, Miss Monroe…'_

"Can you talk to him about (almost) anything and not feel weird or uncomfortable?"

She pondered that one for a moment before slowly nodding. 'Yeah," she replied in surprise. "I really _can_."

Jess grinned slyly, then continued, "And is the sex good?"

Lindsay gave her a flat 'you've got to be kidding me' look.

"So what's the problem?"

………

"We're completely different, Ma…" Danny started, glad he'd gotten her to sit down again so that he could keep an eye on her and swerve out of the way of her hand before she could smack him again. _Geez. And people wonder where I get my temper from?_

"You think people can only be happy if they're the same?" she asked angrily. "You can sit there and think that after seeing your father and I together for the last 40 years?" She raised her hand dangerously, but he was able to avoid her again. Settling down a bit, she leaned back and glared at her son, mumbling Italian curses under her breath.

"Well yeah… but that's you and Pop." _They wouldn't talk at all if they weren't arguing, but they love it._ He shook his head, stubbornly. "Me and Montana ain't like that."

Mama Messer sat up at this sudden new information. "This girl you're so upset about? She's that Montana girl from work? The one you told me about before?" Her whole face seemed to light up and she smiled contentedly and nodded. "Good."

_What the hell's **that** supposed to mean?_ "_'Good?_'"

She settled herself back in her chair once more and nodded firmly, reaching over to the table for her knitting. "She'll keep you in line."

"But Ma…"

………

"… I didn't start this with the intention of it being anything serious." Lindsay looked almost horrified at the thought. _I mean, sure I like him, but … it's Danny! _

Jess shrugged and got up to remove the 'cookies' so as to avoid further dental accidents. "Intentions change, Linds." There was a scrape followed by several loud thuds from the direction of the kitchen as Jess' latest baking catastrophe joined the rest of the household garbage in the trash can. "And if you're in love with the guy, then I'd say that yours have changed quite a bit."

"But… but, it's…"

………

"… Montana!" Danny actually stood up from his own seat and started pacing, one hand running feverishly through his hair and the other planted firmly on his hip. He was having trouble breathing. _Why's it so stuffy in here, anyway? Don't they ever open the windows at all?_ The hand on his hip moved up to start massaging the tightness in his chest. "I mean, sure I like her. I like her a lot, even, but… " he gulped, unable to say the other 'L-word.'

"You know," his mother observed, looking up from her stitches, "You look just the way that Paulie DeMato, you know the butcher? described cows looking after they get zapped with that stunner thing."

………

Lindsay was now face-down on the couch, eating a pillow in order to keep from screaming. Jess sat on the floor beside her, alternately rubbing gentle circles on her back and smacking her in the back of the head. This was a situation that required tough love.

"So you told him you loved him," _smack_ "Big deal!"

Lindsay raised her head from the pillow for a moment to focus and incredulous glare at her roommate. _With friends like this… _

"I'm just saying…" _gentle rub_ "you were drunk, right?"

She nodded miserably into the pillow now once more clenched firmly between her teeth. _I'm never, ever, **ever** drinking again. Ever._

"Well, drunk people are _always_ telling people they love them!" _smack_

Blink. _That's true…_

………

Setting aside her knitting, Mama Messer stood up with a small grunt and kissed her younger son's cheek before smacking his head one last time. "Go home, Danny. Let your poor mother get her rest."

"But Ma…" _Aren't you supposed to give me lots of wise advice and, I dunno… pie?_

"There's some lemon pie in the fridge that you can take to eat on the train." She walked around the room turning off the lights. Pausing at the bottom of the steps leading up to the bedroom she pinned him with a look and wagged her index finger at him. "And make sure you visit more often!"

Danny couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, Ma."

………

_So I'll just pretend that I don't even remember saying it. I mean, I **didn't** remember until an hour ago, so it's not like it'll be hard, right? Right._

………

_So she loves me. I can handle it. I mean, I didn't go nuts and dump her or anything today, right? Right. _

………

For some reason, neither one of them slept particularly well.


	94. Booty Call

**Author's Note: **It's 4:30 in the morning here, so don't expect another chapter until after I've slept, but I'm thinking this chapter deserves to have a Naughty Bit, don't you?

Oh, and I've got an idea for some SMacked in chapter 95… depending on if it ends up coming out the way I have it in my head. I have a tendency to get these ideas and then write them out a day or two later and have them wind up completely different. Like, when I originally thought out this chapter, it was much funnier. :P

**Chapter 94: Booty Call**

Lindsay rolled over in bed, fumbling for her cell phone on the table beside her. _Who in the hell is calling me at… what is that? 3:17am?_ Grabbing her phone, she tried to pry her eyes open enough to clearly read the caller ID, but gave up after a second and just flipped it open.

"Hello?" she mumbled, groggily. _This'd better be good._

"Open the door."

Wrinkling her brow, she suppressed a yawn and brushed her hair back off of her face. "Danny?"

"Open the door!" _C'mon, Montana! Don't leave me hangin' here!_

"What are you…?"

"I'm here, Montana, now will ya open your front door, or do I have to start knockin' and wake up Jess?"

"**Don't knock!**" _I really don't want to see a naked Hawkes running to the door to rescue us._

"Alright, then, open the damned door, already!" _Before I chicken out, completely!_

"Alright, alright. Keep your pants on." Yawning more forcefully, Lindsay hung up and tossed off her blankets, shivering in the cool night air in just her camisole and pajama shorts. _I should really just give him his own damned key instead of him just using our spare when he leaves. _She padded slowly down the hall, bumping blearily into the corner as she turned toward the front door. _This better not be another booty call._

Pulling aside the chain and retracting the deadbolts, Lindsay didn't have the chance to turn the knob before Danny pushed the door open and grabbed her face in his hands, pressing his lips down on hers. Her eyes widened at the suddenness of his kiss and then fluttered closed as his mouth moved over hers. _Mmmm… okay, so maybe I don't mind the booty call thing that much, after all. _Sliding her arms up and around his neck, Lindsay deepened the kiss, enjoying the feel of his hard body against hers. She opened her mouth to slide her tongue against his lips, but before she could do so, Danny pulled abruptly away.

_God, she's hot._ He stared at her mussed hair and full lips, taking in her slumber-filled eyes and the way her body looked in those tiny little pajamas. He bit his lip as his stare outlined the shape of her breasts and the nipples that poked out under her shirt. _Don't get distracted!_ Taking a deep breath, he ran a hand through his hair, then turned to close and lock the door behind him. Sure, he was about to have an exceedingly important conversation, but he was still a New Yorker and he still knew enough to lock the doors.

"Danny…?" Lindsay asked hesitantly when he stopped with his back to her. _Aren't we kissing now? Cuz I was kinda liking the kissing. _

"Linds, I …" his shoulders rose and fell with another deep breath. _C'mon. Just be a **man**. _Closing his eyes and counting to five, Danny turned back around and looked once more at the woman he'd just woken up in the middle of the night.

_Whoa. He looks like crap._ "Oh my god, Danny! Are you alright?" Her fingers automatically went to his face, cupping his cheeks and tilting his head down so that she could see him better. "What happened to you?"

"I'm fine, Montana. I'm just…" he took her wrists gently in his hands and pulled them down from his face. "Look, I really gotta talk to you, but I'm really bad at this stuff, so could ya just… listen to me? And hear what I _mean_ to say instead of the shit that actually comes outta my mouth?"

Lindsay bit her lip and nodded. _Shit. He's breaking up with me, isn't he? _She backed slowly into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. _I got drunk and told him I loved him, and now he's breaking up with me. _Grabbing a pillow, she hugged it to her chest like a lifeline. _God, why did I have to open my big, stupid mouth?_ The corner of her mouth wavered and dipped and her cheeks prickled as her eyes filled up. She took in a sharp breath and blinked back her tears. _Pretend you didn't say it. Pretend you didn't mean it! If you don't mean it, he won't break up with you._

"… and I guess she was right." Danny was pacing in front of the couch, his jacket still on and his fingers running convulsively through his hair.

"… wh-" her voice gave out, so she cleared her throat. "What? Sorry, I wasn't listening." _I was too busy having a nutty._

Danny stopped short right in front of her and stared like a kicked puppy. _Don't make me say all of this twice, Montana!_ "I was freakin' out cuz of what you said the other day, and I went to my Ma, and she told me I'm an idiot." _Fuck. That sounded way better the first time I said it._

Lindsay took a deep, steadying breath. _This is it. Tell him you have no idea what he's talking about, and it can all go back to the way it was, before. _"What did I say the other day?" She looked everywhere but at him.

Danny blinked at her. "Are you _kiddin'_ me?" _She don't **remember**?_

"…no?"

Danny dropped down to the coffee table in front of her and held his head in his hands. _Fuck. That's just fuckin' **fantastic**. Fuckin' **unbelievable! **_"You… don't remember?"

_Of **course** I remember. I just don't want to mess this up, yet._ "Did I upset you?" A tentative hand stroked up and down his forearm. _'Did I upset you?' God. Does he **look** happy-go-lucky? Stupid. _"I'm sorry," she whispered.

_She's sorry? For lovin' me? If she even **does**. _"Don't be," he said, miserably. His face flushed with sudden emotion as he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. _Look, if you're gonna tell her, just tell her. If you're gonna chicken out, then chicken out._ Raising his head from his hands, he took in her concern and remembered a hundred different times when she'd been there for him, just like this. She was a rock, and he wasn't going to let her go that easily.

Taking her hands in his, he took a shaky breath and started talking, his carefully prepared speech gone from his mind. "I don't know what the whole love-thing is about." She jumped slightly at the L-word, but he kept her hands firmly in his and didn't let her pull away. "Last time I was in love, I was 17 years old, and I'm pretty sure most of that was just hormones." The corner of his mouth turned up in a wry grin, but he noticed that she looked more terrified than amused. _Get to the point!_ "Thing is, though, I think I _want_ to know about it." He watched her carefully as her eyes widened and she seemed to let go of the breath she'd been holding. "Ya think you could help a guy like me figure it out?" Now it was his turn to hold his breath.

Lindsay's chest swelled with feeling and her face prickled with tears again, but this time of happiness. She couldn't formulate a coherent thought, let alone a sentence, but she managed to nod and smile as a few tears ran down her cheeks.

Danny took her face in his hands again, running his thumbs over her cheeks to wipe her tears. He kissed her chastely and then smiled back. "I ain't gonna say it, yet, Montana," he said seriously, looking her right in the eye. "I ain't gonna say it 'til I'm sure." _You deserve that much from a jerk like me._

Lindsay's voice was almost lost to her, but she managed to rasp, "I'll wait." _You're worth waiting for._

Danny's face broke into a wide grin as he stood up and lifted her off of the couch and into his arms. "Now we've got that settled, how about a booty call?"

Lindsay sniffed slightly and laughed in his face, loving the way he looked when he smiled almost as much as she loved feeling his arms around her. "I thought you'd never ask."


	95. DOA

**Author's Note: **There's a new chapter in Naughty Bits (if you don't know what that is, it's the smut-filled chapters of ETR) which expounds on the booty call idea broached at the end of chapter 94. At the end of that chapter (thanks to inspiration from Sugah66), Lindsay revealed her knowledge of certain… _extracurricular activities_ that Adam had caught Danny enjoying in the men's room at work. The chapter ended with Danny trying to think of creative (or at least horrifyingly effective) ways of killing the poor tech.

**Chapter 95: DOA**

Adam frowned and scratched his head in confusion. Danny had been showering him with compliments all day and had just handed him tickets to the Rangers game for that weekend. "Hey, Lindsay?" he called at the passing brunette.

Lindsay pirouetted, curls flying, and walked back toward the tech with a mildly curious expression. "Yeah, Adam? Something I can do for you?" _Buy you a Porsche, maybe? Send you on a trip to Hawaii?_

Adam chewed on the end of his pen and frowned even more as he tried to pinpoint exactly what it was that he wanted to ask. "Is Danny feeling alright, today?"

_Ohhh is he **ever**. _Smiling dreamily, she replied, "Last I knew, he was pretty fantastic." Shaking her head, she tried to snap herself out of it. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just…" Adam paused, scratching his beard uncertainly and looking off into the middle-distance in an attempt to fully articulate his thoughts. "He's being really… _nice_ to me." He screwed up his face with effort, but finally just gave up. "It's kinda starting to freak me out."

Lindsay bit her lip to conceal her grin. _He's just trying to show his appreciation is all. _Reaching out, she patted his cheek and reassured him, "Don't worry about it, Ad. It's just a rebound from his earlier homicidal rage."

"H-h-homi… **what**?" Adam squeaked.

"Well, I kinda, sorta, accidentally … toldhimthatyousawhimmasturbatinginthemen'sroomthatonetime," she said it all in a rush for two reasons: one, hopefully if she said it quickly enough, Adam wouldn't know exactly what she'd uttered; two, she really didn't need the mental image of Danny having **any** sort of sexual contact with **Adam**. _Shit, not fast enough. _She shuddered and covered her eyes with one hand.

Adam squeaked again, now entirely past the point of human speech.

"Relax, Ad. I've got the… upper hand," she grinned wickedly. _Also the lower hand and the middle hand. If there are hands involved at all, I've got them. I'm the handiest person ever is what I am. I should change my name to Lindsay Handroe. _She blinked. _Ok, so I think I had a bit too much coffee this morning. _

Adam looked at her suspiciously with a slightly disgusted tilt to his mouth. "That was a poorly veiled sexual innuendo, wasn't it?" he asked fearfully. "About you and Danny," he backed away from her, slightly, and bumped into another tech who had just emerged from the door behind him. "And sex," he swallowed down a mouthful of bile. "With … _each other_." Now it was Adam's turn to cover his eyes in an attempt to expel a mental image.

"'Fraid so!" Lindsay responded, cheerfully. _I had no idea Danny was such a voyeur. Or that **I**_ _was, for that matter. _Her expression melted into dreaminess again as she recalled what they'd gotten up to that morning.

"Adam, buddy!" Danny enthused, clapping his friend solidly on the shoulder. Adam looked from Danny to Lindsay and back again before suddenly bolting down the hallway and skidding into a sharp turn through the door of the men's toilets. Danny looked at Lindsay in confusion. "What's **his** problem?"

………

Stella looked up from her reports to steal another quick glance at the flowers on the corner of her desk. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards wanting to smile, but she restrained herself and forced her head back down to her files.

"Nice flowers," Hawkes commented as he knocked on her doorframe and raised his eyebrows in mute permission to enter.

Stella waved him toward the seat opposite her desk and tried to contain her blush. "Thanks," she smiled at her friend.

"They from anyone I know?" Sheldon winced internally at how obvious he was being, but he wasn't used to being sent in as a spy to gather intelligence on his friends' romantic lives. He swore that if it weren't for the fact that Lindsay were his fiance's best friend and a close friend of his own, he'd have told her to stuff this whole plan as soon as she'd brought it up.

Stella's eyes narrowed in mild suspicion before she relaxed, confident that he'd never guess where they'd come from. "They're from a friend," she replied, neutrally.

"Must be a pretty good friend," Hawkes observed, moving forward to sniff the fragrant blossoms, "to send flowers for no reason." He looked up at her while still leaning over the bouquet, "Or am I a total jackass who's forgotten your birthday?"

The thought of Hawkes being anything but a sweet, kind, wonderful gentleman made Stella laugh and shake her head. "Yes, it was a good friend, and no it's not my birthday," she reassured him. "And I'm pretty sure that you couldn't be a jackass if you **tried**. At least," she paused to consider, "not without some serious lessons from Danny or Don."

"Hey!" Danny called from the hallway where he'd been ostensibly reviewing a file with Lindsay while still remaining in careful earshot of Sheldon's inquisition. "I resemble that remark!" Throwing a grin at the woman he thought of as the older sister he'd never had, he entered her office and took a turn at smelling her flowers.

Lindsay followed him in and did likewise. "Those really **are** beautiful flowers," she commented. "I had no idea that Mac had such good taste."

"You'd be surpri…" Stella trailed off as she realized that she'd been tripped up by the oldest trick in the book. Hawkes was trying rather unsuccessfully to hide his triumphant grin behind his hand. He'd been wanting to do that to her ever since she'd caught him out the same way in her search for confirmation about Danny and Lindsay's relationship status. "Sonofa…" she shook her head ruefully.

Lindsay's face broke into a huge grin. _Wow! I totally can't believe that actually **worked!** She must need coffee or something. _"You and Mac, eh?" she asked slyly.

Stella arched a brow in turn and folded her arms across her chest. "You and Danny, eh?" she countered.

"What **about** me and Danny?" Lindsay shrugged innocently. _Deny everything! Don't give her the satisfaction!_

"What about me and Mac?" Stella replied, irritatingly calm. "Well?" She gestured for Lindsay to feel free to expound on the subject.

"Shall I reveal certain 'social activities' with certain 'coworkers' and certain 'public officials'," Lindsay queried vaguely, folding her own arms across her chest and meeting the older woman's stare head-on. _Show no fear. You've got her with the Mayor's Ball, and she knows it. _

Stella's jaw clenched slightly and her eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, but she didn't back down. "You may," she granted, "**if** you want me to reveal certain 'things' which were said by certain 'people' to certain '_other_ people' at certain '_climactic_ moments'."

Lindsay's eyes widened as she slowly puzzled out the meaning of that rather cryptic comment. _She ** wouldn't!**_ "You **wouldn't!**" _Danny'd never let me hear the end of it!_

"Wouldn't I?" she asked with seemingly genuine curiosity. "Interesting hypothesis."

Hawkes had crept slowly and quietly back toward the door during the tension-filled exchange and took this opportunity to sprint for it.

Danny had been looking from one woman to the other, resembling nothing more than a spectator at a tennis match. All he'd managed to do, though, was get utterly confused and more than a little dizzy. "Will one of you tell me what the **hell** you're both talkin' about?" he demanded.

Stella opened her mouth with a small smile, looking for all the world like she was about to spill the beans about Lindsay (almost) screaming Danny's name while she was having sex with her ex-boyfriend, Chris. Lindsay, her brain hurtling into overdrive due to some sort of ancient 'fight or flight' instinct blurted out the first thing she could think of. "**Stella's the one who told everyone I was pregnant!"**

The room was filled with a sudden silence, punctuated only by Lindsay's panicked breathing.

Stella's chair squeaked slightly as she straightened up to an intimidatingly erect posture. They could probably hear her teeth grind all the way over in New Jersey. "I'm gonna **kill** Adam."


	96. Stella on the Warpath

**Author's Note: **My god! Two chapters in one day? Gasp! If I'm not careful, I might just get back to my old update schedule! I wouldn't count on it, though. I just got a nice little plot bunny I wanted to feed. This one's for anyone who loves SMacked and also for the Little Corinthian who just really loves this particular plot device :D

**Chapter 96: Stella on the Warpath**

"I _told_ him! I told him I'd hurt him if anyone found out!" Stella's jaw clenched and unclenched in a combination of fury and desperately repressed embarrassment. She was more angry with herself than she was with Adam. A careless remark she'd made to herself had become a lab-wide rumour in the course of an hour, and now everyone would know who had started the whole thing.

Of course, the fact that it had been **Adam** who had telegraphed the information in both instances _did_ sort of justify the rage she could feel surging through her veins.

_Perfect._ Lindsay stepped back and allowed Danny to move forward and try to placate Stella with a calm voice and gentle platitudes. Making sure that the other woman's attention was fully diverted, she took out her cell phone and sent the pre-arranged SMS. _Now, all I have to do is sit back and wait. _

"It's not Adam's fault!" Danny was now trying to reassure Stella. _Okay, now just stick your foot in it and everythin'll be perfect. _"I'm surprised he could keep at that shit bottled up that long before explodin'!"

Stella was just starting to scoff at Danny's attempt at defending his friend when his words filtered through to his brain. "All **what** shit, exactly?" she asked in a frighteningly cold voice.

Danny gulped and looked extremely uncomfortable. _Damn, she's scary! I don't even need to act! _"Uhh…" he glanced around the room, apparently seeking an escape route. Stella stood up and walked around her desk to pin him with her glare. "I mean… I dunno…" She folded her arms and tapped her foot, just _waiting_ for him to crack. "**He spilled everything!**"

"And what," she enquired crisply, "is _everything?_"

Danny shuffled nervously in place and looked over to Lindsay in an appeal for help, but she was already gone. _Why the hell did **I** get stuck with this part of the plan?_ "Mayor's fundraiser, Cabaret date, Cozy's, dancing, pizza," he blurted in a rush. _Did I forget anything?_

"He's a dead man." With that, Stella marched out of her office and almost directly into Donald Flack.

"Whoa there, Stel, where's the fire?" he asked, arms up to protect himself from her wrath.

"Have you seen Adam?" she asked through clenched teeth.

Flack shook his head and chuckled in apparent amusement at the younger man's antics. "Just saw him run into that broom closet by the trace lab. Looked like a deer in the headlights or somethin'."

"Thank you," she said in clipped tones and immediately stalked off down the hallway in search of her prey.

"Ya _do_ realize she's gonna wanna kill the rest of us when she finds out what we're doin', right?" Flack asked Danny casually.

"Pretty much, yeah," Danny nodded back just as casually.

"Alright. Just checkin'."

The two men gave each other a high five and parted ways.

………

"Thanks for helping me with this, Mac," Lindsay smiled up at her superior. _Damsel in distress. Like any marine could resist it._ "I wish they'd put things a little closer to the ground for short people like me."

"That's quite alright, Lindsay," Mac grunted as he struggled a bit with the awkwardly shaped box on the top shelf of the broom closet. "I'll see if I can get a step ladder in here to make things a bit easier for you."

"That'd be…" Lindsay's voice trailed off as her beeper sang out. "Damn, I need to get this. If you could just take that across the hall to Trace, that'd be great." She backed slowly toward the door, eyes apparently focused on the beeper number. "Thanks again, Mac! You're a life saver!" With a final wave, she turned out of the closet, bumping the lights off with her shoulder as she went through the door. _Yes! Damn, I'm good. _There was a faint thump from the small room and she briefly worried that Mac might have injured himself by dropping the box when the lights went off, but then she heard him swear rather loudly and knew he was still in one piece. Spotting Stella's approach through the glass walls of the lab, she slipped out of sight and waited. _Just a few … more… seconds…_

"I've got you, you spineless idiot!" Stella yelled as she pulled open the door to the supply closet and surged inside.

"Spineless _what_?" Lindsay heard Mac ask as she quietly exited her hiding spot and slammed the door shut on the couple. Danny, Flack, and Hawkes crawled out from under the layout tables in Trace where they'd been hiding and set to work on the door, ensuring that nothing short of an acetylene torch would open it.

They looked around at each other in triumph and amazement. They'd actually pulled one over on Mac **and** Stella… at the same time! It was unbelievable! Unheard of! Completely beyond the bounds of mortal imagination!

"So…" Hawkes said awkwardly after a moment. "What now?"

They exchanged a look of chagrin as they realized they had no more plan to enact.

Flack shrugged. "Lunch?"

**Author's Note: **Yes, I'm willing to write Naughty Bits for this, though I don't see Mac/Stella as a "sex in a closet" kinda couple. If it's rated T, I'll keep it here. If things get overly steamy, it'll be over in NB. This is, of course, assuming that you want to read about them making out 


	97. In and Out part one

**Author's Note: **I'd just like to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has ever left a review. I've officially topped 1,000! That's just... beyond amazing! YAY!**  
**

**Chapter 97: In and Out (part one)**

"Spineless _what_?"

Stella stopped dead as she recognized the voice of the other person in the closet with her, and he didn't sound like he was from Phoenix. Her mouth moved up and down a few times, but before she was successfully able to connect her brain to her vocal chords she was startled by a loud sound behind her that made her jump several inches into the air. Her gasp of fright was almost immediately drowned out by sounds of scuffling on the other side of the door.

"Stella?" came a remarkably calm voice from elsewhere within the dark cavern of supplies she was currently being entombed in. "I don't suppose you know what's going on here, do you?"

Stella cleared her throat once and straightened her shoulders a bit, tossing her hair back off of her face. Sure, he couldn't see anything in the darkness (or could he? You never really knew with him), but it made her _feel_ more comfortable. "Well, Mac," she started slowly, still piecing things together in her mind. "I'm pretty sure we've been had."

Mac nodded in agreement, then realized that she couldn't see him. "Right." He mentally mapped out what the closet looked like before the lights had been turned out and guessed Stella's position based on where her voice had come from and the quiet breaths he could hear. Putting a hand out in front of him in case of obstructions, he moved cautiously toward the door. "How about I turn on the light?" He flicked the switch.

"Yes, please," Stella said with some relief. She wasn't exactly _scared_ of the dark, but being in a dark, enclosed space with _Mac_ was definitely a cause for concern. Having heard him make his way to the door, she waited expectantly for a moment. "Uh, Mac?" she asked curiously. "Aren't you going to turn it on?"

Mac toggled the switch madly, but to no effect. "Apparently not."

………

"You," Flack said and pointed straight at Lindsay, "are an evil, _evil_ woman." Laughing heartily, he grabbed another slice of pizza. "I've always liked that about you."

"Get your own woman, Flack!" Danny joked, poking his friend in the ribs. "This one's mine!" _Where the hell is the garlic sauce, anyway?_ He lifted up the back of the pizza box and found what he was looking for. He grinned up at his friends in triumph only to find two of them watching him with big grins and the third one blushing brightly. "What? I have somethin' on my face?" He wiped his chin with a napkin.

"No," Hawkes laughed and slapped him on the shoulder, "but you _do_ have your heart on your sleeve."

"Right from the source!" Flack cheered. "C'mon Linds, who won the pool?"

_What pool?_ "There was a pool and I wasn't in on it?" Danny demanded.

"You were in on it, alright," Don grinned broadly. "You were half of the _bet_." Taking in Danny's confused expression, he elaborated. "It was a pool on when you two crazy kids'd get together."

"Yeah? How 'bout that. How much we worth, anyway?" _And where can I get a piece of the prize money?_

"'Bout eight hundred or so, last I checked," the cop replied around a mouthful of pizza. "I coulda used it, too. Sarah's birthday's comin' up."

"You're going to spend $800 on your girlfriend for her birthday?" Sheldon asked in surprise.

"This from the guy who spent _how much_ when he proposed?" Flack shot back.

Adam walked into the break room and pulled up a stool while grabbing a slice of pizza. "Alright, I flipped the breaker like you asked, _now_ will you tell me what's going on?"

"Wait a sec, Adam," Danny held up a hand. "I wanna know where that eight hundred bucks ended up." _ I don't wanna be distracted from seeing your face when we tell ya, either._

"Don't look at me," Flack shrugged and stuck a thumb in Lindsay's direction. "Last time I saw it, your _girlfriend_," he elbowed Danny in the ribs and waggled his eyebrows at him, "had it."

Danny's eyebrows rose in surprise and he looked over at her with genuine respect as he let out a low whistle. _**Damn**, she's good._ "Well, Montana? Am I gettin' a really great birthday present, or what?"

Lindsay glanced in Adam's direction for a fraction of a second and no one but Danny caught her look. "I gave half of it to the proper winner of the pot," _Well, the guy who suffered most when it came to us getting together, anyway. _

"And the other half?" Hawkes asked.

"Mac and Stella should be enjoying it, any minute now." _I may be evil, but that doesn't mean I'm not romantic. _Lifting her phone, she sent a quick SMS while ignoring the voicemails that were piling up in her inbox.

………

Mac's phone beeped at his hip.

"What?" Stella asked, running her hands reflexively over the thighs of her pants to dry the moisture that was starting to appear on her palms.

"'Look in the box.'" Mac read.

"What box?"

Mac didn't answer as he made his way back to the shelves he'd been standing at before. Opening the box that he'd dropped on his foot earlier, he discovered candles and a lighter. They both sighed in relief as the candlelight relieved them from the pitch blackness they'd been surrounded by earlier. Stella arranged candles on the various shelves and boxes around them as Mac dug deeper.

"Champagne," he said, pulling out the bottle and raising his eyebrows in surprise. "And glasses," he added, removing them as well.

"Woo!" Stella smiled. "A prank with good taste. I might not have to kill them, after all." She took the bottle of bubbly and started to work on the cork. "What else is in there?"

Mac took out each item and laid it on the floor, giving Stella a constant inventory. "Looks like…" he sniffed at the takeout boxes, "roast quail and… duck a l'orange." He shook his head and couldn't hide the small smile he allowed himself. He thought they'd been careful and subtle, but apparently his staff had seen right through them. "Caviar, crackers… brie?" How had they even _thought_ of doing this? "A few other cheeses, some fruit… Ohhh."

"What?"

"You're about to forgive them completely."

"I was pretty close to it when you mentioned the caviar. What is it?"

"Cheesecake."

Stella bit her lip and whimpered slightly. "Damnit," she whispered. "What kind?" she asked in a normal voice.

"Looks like chocolate and irish cream."

The cork finally worked itself out of the champagne bottle with a loud pop and Stella caught the bubbly wine in one of the flutes. Settling herself comfortably on the floor, she sighed. "And I really _wanted_ to kill them, too."

"Don't worry," Mac smiled and patted her knee. "I'm still willing to get revenge."

**Author's Note: **I'm going to pause here while I decide how, exactly, I'm going to continue the Mac/Stella romance. I stand by my "no sex in the closet" reasoning, and I'm just trying to decide if they kiss while they're locked in here, or if they wait until they're let out. I'm also deciding on the method of their escape. Does Mac go all Mac-Gyver, or do the other CSI's decide to let them out? Feel free to offer suggestions if you really care, either way. I'll try to update with the next chapter fairly soon. :D


	98. In and Out part two

**Chapter 98: In and Out (part two)**

Mac and Stella had enjoyed their dinner quite thoroughly, laughing and talking about old times and old cases as they sipped their champagne and ate the delicacies that Lindsay had left for them. They'd sat down on the floor and turned the box over to use as a table and Mac had draped his suit jacket over top to serve as an impromptu tablecloth. The only thing missing from the romantic meal had been a violinist playing nearby, but Stella had fixed that by playing some mp3s on her cellphone.

But now, with dinner over and the champagne half gone, she could see that Mac, much as he was enjoying himself, was itching to return to his responsibilities. He could only relax for so long before the walls came back up and he had to put work between them, once again. She sighed and smiled at her friend, shaking her head slowly.

"What?" Mac asked, his voice still slightly teasing.

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but…" Stella heaved a dramatic sigh, "You'd rather be doing paperwork, wouldn't you?" She grinned at him to let him know there were no hurt feelings.

Mac chuckled softly. "Am I that obvious?" he asked, ducking his head and then looking up at her with a shamefaced grin.

"Only to someone who knows you as well as I do," she replied, reaching over their 'table' and patting his knee affectionately. Leaning back on her hands she couldn't help but laugh again.

Mac stared at her in open appreciation, loving the way her face lit up with her amusement. "It's not really a matter of preferences, though," he said, looking at her with a certain amount of meaning in his expression.

"Oh?" Stella asked casually, feeling her heart beat a bit faster before mentally berating herself for thinking that Mac was about to get all romantic on her. That would be like … Flack entertaining at a kid's party. It just wouldn't happen.

Mac looked down at his hands resting in his lap for moment before nodding to himself and looking up at her with a set jaw. "Because there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than right here," he cleared his throat and looked away again. "With you."

Stella blinked and stopped breathing completely. Her eyes widened until she was sure they took up half of her face and her cheeks flushed rosily. Mac scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and stood up from his lotus position. "Unfortunately for me, however," he continued as if he hadn't just said one of the most romantic things Stella had ever heard, "paperwork waits for no man." He dusted his pants off with his hands and then bent down to offer Stella a lift up.

Still not quite able to recover the power of speech, Stella grabbed his tie and pulled him down further, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Smiling, she released him and stood up, unaided. "Then let's blow this popstand."

Mac nodded and started looking around the closet for some method of escape. "Mac," she said softly and he turned to look at her. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be, either."

………

Lindsay looked at her watch while she waited for her samples to process. They'd been in the closet for about two hours, now. _Hopefully they've vented their anger by now… or they've been mellowed by food and alcohol. _She bit her lip and pondered her next move. _Chances of Mac and Stella having sex in there right now? Minimal. Although… _she smiled as she remembered her own, much briefer, period of time in that particular closet with a certain CSI. Looking across the lab, she watched Danny as he peered into a microscope with his glasses balanced on top of his head. _I'm not really a "sex in the closet" type of girl, and I was …**tempted**. To say the least. _Her eyes twinkled and her lips curled up in a mischievous grin. _I might just have to try it again, sometime._

Danny looked up at the feeling of someone watching him. Slipping his glasses back on, he saw it was Lindsay who was staring at him enough to make him notice. _I know that face. _He raised an eyebrow and grinned cockily back at her. _It's the Messer Magic, baby. They **always** want more._ Licking his lips he waved at her. "I help ya with somethin' there, Montana?" he asked her.

"Maybe later," she replied calmly returning to her work. "At your place." She threw him another naughty look over her shoulder, collected her samples, and went back to work.

Danny whistled under his breath. _I really need to find a way to make time go faster._

………

"I think it's about time to let them out," Lindsay commented to Hawkes.

"Has Adam recovered sufficiently, then? Regained consciousness and all?" he asked with some amusement.

"I still can't believe he fainted when we told him what he'd done." Lindsay chuckled. "I really thought he was tougher than that." _After walking in on him in the showers today, when I thought he was Danny…I gotta say. Rowr._

"I think it was more the thought of Stella wanting to kill him, actually," Hawkes explained. "So you're going to go open the door for them?"

"Actually," Lindsay said sweetly, batting her eyelashes and trying to look as cute and vulnerable as possible. "I was thinking that **you** could go and open the door for them." _While I run as far away as possible and hide in the deepest hole I can find until I'm sure that they're not plotting my imminent demise._

"Me." Sheldon said flatly.

"You!" Lindsay replied brightly.

"…Because…?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"They have no idea that you were involved in the whole thing since you left while Stella and I were still on the flowers and you can therefore be seen as the hero in this whole thing and not one of the evil-doers who got them stuck in that closet in the first place?" She held her breath. _Please, please, please._ "… and I'll hide the Mission Impossible tape somewhere where Jess'll never find it?"

"Deal."

………

"I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea," Stella warned as Mac backed her up to the furthest corner of the closet. "I don't care how small the explosion is, I don't think we should blow up the lab."

"It'll be small enough not to cause any damage and big enough to open the door," Mac reassured her, mentally reviewing the small explosive device he'd rigged from cleaning products, his wristwatch, and a few pieces of Stella's phone. He nodded, satisfied with the result.

"I still think that we should have just mixed our solvents together to create a chemical reaction resulting in smoke. That would have set off the building's fire alarm and then they'd _have_ to come and get us out," she reasoned.

"Unless they forgot about us being in here," Mac argued back logically, "and we were still stuck in here when the NYFD showed up." He winced at that idea. He knew a lot of those guys.

Stella cringed, as well. "Good point." Taking a determined breath, she crouched down close to the floor and braced herself. "Alright, let's do it."

A scraping sound came from the direction of the door, followed by a sort of pounding and an eventual thud and cloud of smoke. Three throats broke out in hacking coughs and the sprinklers in the hallways engaged as the fire alarm wailed to life. "You guys," Hawkes coughed forcefully, "alright," if he weren't a doctor he would have worried a lung had just been expelled, "in there?" he called into the recesses of the supply closet.

Fits of coughing equal to his own answered him back. "Hawkes?" Mac asked, trying to breath shallowly and keep the smoke out of his lungs. "Is that you?"

Sheldon helped his coworkers step gingerly through the warped remains of the door. "What were you two doing in there?" he asked, coughing a bit less now that they had walked a short way down the hall and were out of the immediate explosive radius. He hoped that he sounded convincingly confused, since he really was rather curious as to how they'd managed to blow the place up.

"Later," Mac said shortly, immediately going into Fire Marshall mode and hearding his staff to the stairwells. There would definitely be a later.

………

Lindsay pushed Danny off of her as the sound of the fire alarm permeated the walls of the much smaller closet they'd managed to find on the other side of the lab. _Damnit! Why the hell can't we ever finish what we start around here?_ She pushed her matted hair out of her face in frustration. "Fire alarm," she rolled her eyes at Danny. "This is like a flashback to the dorm rooms at college." _I never got to consummate anything **there**, either._

Danny groaned and rolled off of her, zipping his fly. _Somebody up there **really** don't want us to have sex at work. _"Never got any there, either, eh?" he grinned sourly as he helped them both get up. _Walkin' down twenty billion flights of stairs **ain't** what I had in mind for exercise, right about now. _

Lindsay laughed and shook her head in resignation. "C'mon. Let's get out of here before the NYFD catches us making out in a broom closet."

Danny's jaw set in a firm line as a thought occurred to him. "Yeah, wouldn't want _Chris_ to find out, would ya?" he muttered. _Stupid **fireman** sonofabitch._

Lindsay was halfway out the door, but she still heard what he'd said. Turning back to him, she looked at him seriously for a moment, sizing him up. She closed the door and took a deep breath. "I'm going to tell you something right now, and I want you to listen to it and then never, ever mention it again, ok?" she pleaded. _God, I can't believe I'm about to do this._

_She's gonna break up with me. _Danny's chest suddenly tightened and he found it incredibly difficult to breathe. _She's gonna tell me she thought I was **him** when she said she loved me, and he wants her back, and she's gonna go and leave me and I won't have my Montana anymore. _Unable to speak, he simply gulped and nodded, running a hand nervously through his hair and licking his parched lips.

"I broke up with Chris," she started. "I told you that, and it's true, but I didn't tell you **why.**"

_It was all a misunderstandin' and you're goin' back to him. _Danny opened his mouth to speak, but she silenced him with a finger pressed to his lips.

"Shh. I really need you not to, y'know, _talk_ right now." _Just spit it out, already._ "Chris was never a fireman. He was an _actor_ who was _friends_ with firemen, and that's why he was dressed in drag at the cabaret and it's why I broke up with him and will never," she looked up and straight into Danny's eyes. "**Never** get back together with him. He lied to me, and I can't forgive that." Smiling slightly, she gave Danny's shocked lips a small kiss. "Plus, I found a guy who's like a million times better." Opening the door again, she motioned outside. "Now, can we _please_ get out of here before we burn to a crisp?"

_What a fuckin' **jackass**!_ Danny's entire face broke into the biggest, brightest smile Lindsay could ever remember seeing. "Lead the way, Montana. Lead the way."


	99. Red Balloons

**Author's Note: **This chapter was named because this song actually started playing on WinAmp just as I was typing "Chapter 99" and I really couldn't resist. My willpower is nonexistent. Another note at the end of the chapter, too, because I just love you all _that_ much.

**Chapter 99: Red Balloons**

"You didn't!" Jess gasped, almost dropping an entire bowl of popcorn on the floor. She managed to rescue it as it topped on the brink of destruction (aka the edge of her lap) and righted it, but was unable to halt her jaw's descent to the carpeting. You can't win 'em all.

Lindsay laughed and threw a kernel in the air for Danny to catch in his mouth. "We really did," she calmly confirmed. Danny missed the popcorn completely but waggled his eyebrows at her as if having snack food bounce off your chin and roll under the sofa were an incredible feat of immense physical prowess. _He's just so darned cute, sometimes._

Danny reached under the sofa to pick up the popcorn, aware that Lindsay and Jess were much better housekeepers than he was, and he'd probably earn points by cleaning up after himself. _I didn't just think that, did I?_ He resisted the urge to smack himself in the face with his palm. _Thirty years my Ma tried to get me to pick shit up, and what finally convinces me to do it? _He looked over at Lindsay as she and Jess attempted to dive bomb each other with buttery goodness. He shook his head and chuckled.

"Jessica?" Flack called from the kitchen.

"Yessica?" the young woman flippantly replied from her now popcorn-covered perch on the couch.

Don poked his head around the doorframe and blinked at her for a moment. Finally deciding that he didn't want to know, he asked the all-important question, "Where's all the beer?"

"What do you mean, 'where's all the beer?'" she asked in consternation. "You guys brought a two four!" Springing up from the couch and scattering popcorn everywhere, she jogged over to the kitchen to help the detective with the Case of the Missing Alcohol.

Danny stared down at the floor in mock horror. _There I am, pickin' shit up from the floor like she's gonna have a hairy fit if I don't, and then she just … I can't win, can I?_ He looked angrily up at Lindsay. "Are you just gonna let her make a mess like that and not clean it up?"

Lindsay choked on the beer she'd managed to obtain ten minutes earlier. _How many of these things have I **had**? _"Did you just…" she stared at Danny in amazement. "I'm sorry, but did you just _complain_ about something being _messy_?" Her jaw copied the flight path that Jess' had taken five minutes before.

"Ha ha ha," Danny said with no amusement apparent in his tone. _I ain't **that** bad._ He stuck his tongue out at her.

Lindsay's eyes glinted with mischief. "Don't be a tease," she smirked.

"Who's teasin'?" Danny replied delightedly. "I'm just givin' ya preview of later." Getting up from his seat on the floor, he made his way over to the sofa. _5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Okay, it's later. _Just as Danny was leaning down to kiss his girlfriend, Hawkes returned to the living room, half-carrying a rather green-looking Adam with him. "He alright?" Danny asked, running his fingers through his hair in an attempt to look like he _wasn't _seconds away from snogging his coworker. _Aside from having the worst timin' **ever**, that is._

Jess peered into the living room at the sound of her fiancé relating Adam's condition. She took one look at the young man whom Sheldon was supporting and called back over her shoulder, "Hey Flack! I think I figured out where all the beer went!" Don joined her in the doorway and followed her pointing finger directly to Adam.

"I'm gonna **kill** him," he sighed, halfheartedly reaching for his sidearm.

………

Stella sighed as she traced patterns over Mac's shirt in the comfort of her large bed. She could feel the racing of his heartbeat through the thin fabric, and she looked up to study his face. It was as impassive as ever, and she marveled at his ability to keep his emotions from playing across his features. For her part, it was all she could do to keep from grinning like an idiot. "Penny," she said, somewhat nonsensically.

Mac roused himself from his thoughts and looked down at her in mild confusion. "Hmm?" One of his hands was randomly twisting one delicate curl around its fingers over and over again, and he had no recollection of consciously doing that. He stilled his hand for a moment, but then found that he missed the feeling of her silky locks moving against his skin, so he started up again.

"For your thoughts," Stella explained. "Penny for your thoughts." She sat up against the headboard with him, abandoning the comfort of his shoulder. She held her breath, hoping that he didn't have any regrets so far… and also hoping that he might be interesting in going further.

"I think…" Mac started, slowly and carefully. "I think…" he cupped her cheek with his hand and stared into her deep, dark eyes with a serious expression on his face. Sighing, he focused his eyes on her lips. "I think… we need to get revenge." Brushing his thumb across her bottom lip, he smiled. "Serious revenge."

………

**Author's Note: **Yes, I know that this was just a tiny chapter (comparatively), but hey. I'm trying to move things forward a bit.

Alright, I've just finished downloading the second season of CSI:NY (literally. The download finished while I was writing this chapter), so I can _finally_ move on to episode 17 any time now. Oi. I'm also stating right here and now that I will **not** be taking this all the way through to COTP or the third season. I'm trying to get it all sort of winding down to some sort of conclusion (thus everyone being all happily paired up like I'm Noah and this is my ark or something). Why, you ask? Because, I answer, I'm going to have a **helluva** busy time in April and I'll barely be checking my email, let alone writing fic.

That said, I've got 6 weeks before I go into crazy-insanity-exile, so that's the maximum amount of time I've got left to work on this fic. If there's anything (and I mean ANYTHING) that you're dying for me to put in here, tell me now or forever hold your peace.

Oh, and that bit with Linds seeing Adam in the shower in the last chapter? That was just a throwaway line because was looking frikkin HOT in the last episode. Mmmm Adammmm.

Also the Jessica/Yessica thing is a joke that all of one person reading this will get. waves to her best bud

End hugely long author's note.


	100. Shit

**Chapter 100: Shit.  
**

"Alright people," Mac said shortly to get everyone's attention for the impromptu staff meeting in his office. His staff quickly stopped chatting amongst themselves and gave him their full attention. "I've heard from Detective Caine down in Miami that the Darius trial is starting up next week. I've got to go down there for a few days of depositions, and then I'll be returning for the trial itself."

"They want any of the rest of us to testify?" Danny asked. _I'd love to put that sick fuck in jail._

"That'll come in due time when he's tried in New York. For now, they just want my testimony as the bridging investigator between the two cities, as well as my knowledge of his past crimes and behaviour." Mac's mouth tightened at the memories of crime scenes. "While I'm gone, you'll all be reporting to Stella," he gestured in her direction. "She's promised to keep you on your toes." The pair exchanged a quick grin.

"That's right, guys." Stella stood up and surveyed the group with a stern expression that was obviously a total front. "Just because Mac's away doesn't mean you get to slack off on the job."

"Aww… but you're the pushover!" Hawkes teased.

"Watch it, Doctor-boy!" Stella rejoined. "Or I'll send you back to the morgue." She winked at him.

"Any other questions?" Mac asked the group at large.

"Yeah," Flack piped up. "Why am I in on this meeting?"

"So you don't shoot anybody when you can't find Mac next week," Lindsay laughed. _Like when you couldn't find Hawkes because he was in France with Jess._

"If that's all, then I'll get to today's assignments…"

………

Two whispered voices broke the hush in a darkened apartment.

"She's in?"

"Yeah. She's really excited that she gets to be involved this time."

"Good. MacAllum said that he could get his guys in and out in about three hours."

"Seriously? That's amazing!"

"Covert ops. This isn't _quite_ the same thing, but there's a certain amount of overlap in the skills required."

"The rest of the supplies are being delivered here tomorrow afternoon."

"So we're set?"

"We're set."

"I'm really going to enjoy this one."

………

Danny and Flack trouped into the lab and accosted Adam.

"Results?" Flack asked shortly. They'd all been run ragged in the last few days since Mac had been out of town, and they were now on the ass-end of a double shift. He didn't have the patience left for complete sentences.

Adam looked up from his microscope and rubbed his eyes as he stretched his back. "Inconclusive." Flack wasn't the only one too tired for exposition.

"Fuck me," Danny cursed and hit the top of the table with the flat of his hand. He had three open cases on his desk right now and the only thing standing between him and a conviction on this one had been the DNA test. _This day just keeps getting better._

"Can't," Lindsay moaned as she and Hawkes dragged their tired, achy, garbage-covered bodies past the door. "Too tired," she flashed him a weak grin and a half-wave and continued on her way to the showers. _Please god let there still be lemons in the fridge._ She sniffed her arm experimentally and had to choke back the bile as she caught a whiff of rancid fish.

Flack shook his head in disgust. "I liked it better when you guys were a secret."

"I didn't," Adam shuddered and tried to suppress the memory of catching them half-naked in the supply closet.

………

Lindsay fell into her apartment and immediately dropped her bag on the floor. Leaning against the door, she closed her eyes and almost fell asleep as she turned the locks. _Sleep. Must sleep. _She automatically hit play on the answering machine when she caught sight of the blinking light and stripped off her coat as she made her way down the hallway.

_[beep Hey babe, it's Jess. _

Lindsay yawned and scratched her head as she entered the bathroom and started to brush her teeth.

_I'm out for the night, so you and Danny can feel free to be as loud and perverted as you want. _

She choked a bit on her toothpaste at that one and silently thanked the powers that be that Danny wasn't with her at the moment. _He'd definitely take you up on that one, Jess._

_I'll be back sometime tomorrow afternoon, probably, so I won't wake you up in the morning either. _

"Thank God," Lindsay muttered as she dried her face.

_Have a good night [beep_

Continuing down the hall, Lindsay heard the machine start up again.

_[beep Hey babe, me again._

_Wonder what she forgot_, Lindsay mused as she opened the door to her bedroom.

_Just wanted to say I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist!_

Lindsay's mouth dropped open in shock as she was confronted with a wall of cellophane.

_Mac and Stella also wanted me to thank you for the lovely private dinner you gave them. [beep_

"Shit."

………

Hawkes answered his cell phone as he waited for the elevator to reach his floor.

"Hawkes here."

"Hi Sweetie," crooned the woman of his dreams.

"Jess," he grinned into the phone. He might not have the energy to do much tonight, but he'd really love to curl up with his fiancé and fall asleep with her in his arms. "Are you on your way over?"

"I'm sorry, hon, but I can't tonight," came the sad reply. "I'm at an overnight cram session for that midterm I've got tomorrow."

Sheldon had forgotten any mention of an exam, but he covered nicely. "Oh, well try to get at least a couple hours of sleep, alright? You don't want to be so tired your brain doesn't function."

"Yes, Doctor," Jess teased.

"Hey, I know what I'm talking about!"

"Where are you?"

"Just getting out of the elevator at home." He walked down the hallway, slowing down and staring quizzically at his door which appeared to be covered in packing tape. "What the…?"

"Sheldon, honey?"

"Yes?"

"Mac and Stella wanted to show you how much they appreciated your efforts on their behalf the other night."

He sighed. "Shit."

"Pretty much. I'll come by tomorrow and help you clean up. G'night!"

………

Flack entered his apartment and tossed his keys onto the hall table as he reached for the light. His hand paused in mid-air as he heard the keys drop onto the floor. Closing the door with a barely audible click, he reached for his sidearm and cautiously entered the room.

"Shit!" he cursed as he tripped over something. At the same time, every light in his apartment came on at the same time, illuminating the fact that all of his furniture was missing.

He yanked the tripwire out of the wall and was just reaching for his cell to report the theft when he noticed a piece of paper in the middle of his living room floor.

Thanks for the setup, but we don't need the help.

-- Mac and Stella

Reaching up to rub the back of his neck, he sighed and went to his bedroom. It was empty, too.

"Shit."

………

Adam whistled to himself as he unlocked his door. Sure, the last few days had been a lot of work, but he'd made it through most of a week without seeing any coworkers naked or in compromising positions. Sometimes, that was enough.

Flicking on the light switch inside the door, he was irked to find that the bulb was apparently burnt out. He fumbled around for a minute before finding the bathroom door and flicking that switch on, too.

That light was also burnt out.

Frowning now and wondering what was happening, he felt his way over to the kitchen, and then the bedroom, neither of which had working lights. He couldn't see lights on his stereo, TV, microwave, or modem either. The power must be out.

And yet, there'd been light in the stairwell.

He went back to his door and opened it, flooding his apartment with light from the hall.

Odd.

Rooting around in his desk drawer, he found a small flashlight and turned it on. Nothing. It looked strange, however, so he took it out to the hallway to investigate.

Black tape had been placed across glass front of the light, rendering it useless. A horrible thought dawned on him.

Turning back into his apartment, he closed the door once more and was greeted with a message written in glow in the dark paint that was now "charged."

"Mind your own business. – Stella"

"Oh, shit!"

………

Danny looked into the open door of his apartment, then looked at the number on the door. He looked into his apartment, then looked at his door. Apartment… door. Apartment… door.

_My apartment. My keys opened the door. My number __**on**__ the door. Really __**not**__ my apartment._

His appalled gaze took in the hot pink walls of his kitchen and the pastel pink of the living room. He closed the door and looked down the hallway toward his bedroom. What was that colour? Pepto-Bismol? His couch appeared to have been thrown up on by someone with a lace fetish, and there were fluffy pink pillows all over the place.

His heart caught in his throat as he got sight of something even more horrifying.

_They wouldn't…_

He whimpered slightly as he took in the bubblegum pink felt on his pool table.

_They __**did**_

He didn't even look at the card placed amid the large bouquet of flowers now adorning his coffee table. He knew who had done this.

"Shit."

………

Stella and Mac laughed together over a bottle of wine in her apartment.

"Think we were too mean?"

The shared a significant glance.

"Nah."

**Author's Note:** Sorry that it's taken me, what? Five months to update this story. Between work and lack of inspiration, this one has been on the back-burner for far too long. Last night, though, I was lying in bed and bemoaning my lack of ideas for writing _anything_, and suddenly I was full of prank ideas for ETR. Sure, they're a bit over the top, but that's the fun of this story:D I'm not promising regular updates, but I'm taking this one out of the graveyard. Huzzah!


	101. Waste Not, Want Not

Chapter 101: Waste Not, Want Not

**Chapter 101: Waste Not, Want Not**

Danny reached for his phone in exasperation. _If this is Stella calling to rub more salt in the wound…_ "What?" he asked, tersely.

"_Dude, I gotta crash at your place tonight, alright?"_ Flack sounded even more tired than Danny felt.

Danny looked around his incredibly pink-ified apartment and shuddered again. _If they done this to __**me**__, what the hell did they do to __**Flack**__?_ "Got you, too?"

Flack sighed into the mouthpiece, "_Fuck yeah, man… not a stick of furniture left."_

"Ouch," Danny whistled. "Guess I got off easy."

"_Yeah? What'd they do to you?"_

"They redecorated my apartment."

"_That don't sound so bad."_

"… in pink."

"_Ouch._"

"Yeah." Danny sighed in resignation. _I'll just have to… move or something._ "Look, why don't you come over. I'll order some pizza and you can bring some beer." He looked around again. "A lot of beer."

"Holy fuck, man!" Flack greeted Danny as the door opened.

"Yeah, you shoulda heard what the delivery guy said," Danny grimaced.

"I'll bite."

"He asked me when I was getting my vagina."

Flack grinned, "You hit him?"

Danny grinned back, "I told him I had to go look for my wallet, and then I called patrol and got him ticketed. He was double parked."

"Nice one!" The two men high-fived and then each grabbed a beer and settled down onto the couch that was doily-ed and antimacassar-ed within an inch of its life. They ate and drank in companionable silence for a while until Flack looked around the apartment again, this time more appraisingly. "So Dan…" he started with a slight hesitation.

"Yeah?" Danny asked around a mouthful of pizza.

"Nah, forget it."

Danny drank a mouthful of beer to wash down his food. "What?"

"Just a stupid thought," Flack waved it off and unscrewed the cap from another bottle. "Forget it."

Danny shrugged. "Alright."

"It's just…"

"What?"

"Nah, nevermind."

Danny rolled his eyes and got up to take a leak. _What the fuck is up with him, tonight?_

"So here's the thing…" Flack started when Danny came back.

Danny sighed. "Are y'actually gonna _tell_ me this time? Or is this gonna be another round of 'nevermind'?"

Flack raised both hands in surrender. "Okay, fine, I'll tell ya. Just promise you won't freak out or hit me or anythin', okay?"

"Fuck that shit."

"Fair enough."

"Well…?" _When'd he turn into such a chick?_

Don squirmed uncomfortably.

"Looks like I ain't the only one around here in line for a new pussy," Danny smirked.

"Hey, fuck you," Don retorted good-naturedly. "I was just thinkin'… you should get Linds to help you redo this place."

Danny's mouth turned down in a sort of facial shrug. "She'd prolly be better at it than me." _**This**__ is what he's been shittin' bricks about sayin'? What the fuck?_

"Yeah, and she'll prolly end up movin' in here when Hawkes marries her roommate." Flack, mistakenly thinking that Danny wasn't going to freak out, had relaxed back into the sofa cushions and was taking a swig. The smack that landed on the back of his head, therefore, caused him to bang his front teeth on the bottle and send a cascade of beer down the front of his shirt. "What the _fuck_ man?" he shouted, holding up his beer and staring at his chest in anger.

"Why'd ya hafta go and say that shit?" Danny moaned, cradling his face in his hands. _Shit, now I'm gonna think about that __**all night**__._

"**Told** ya ya didn't wanna know." Flack stripped off his shirt and tossed it in the direction of Danny's laundry hamper, then continued drinking. His friend's mental meltdown was no reason to waste a good beer.


	102. Aerodynamics

Author's Note: I'd like to start by saying a big thank you to everyone who is still reading this behemoth of a story more than a year after I first started writing it… especially considering the big gaps of time I've been subjecting you all to, of late

**Author's Note:** I'd like to start by saying a big thank you to everyone who is still reading this behemoth of a story more than a year after I first started writing it… especially considering the big gaps of time I've been subjecting you all to, of late. I'd like to continue by saying that the number of people who are actually brave enough to start reading a story that is already over 100 chapters is completely insane. This story is at about 140,000 words (including the Naughty Bits). All of you guys are nuts, and I love you for it :D

**Chapter 102: Aerodynamics**

Lindsay rolled over and groggily opened her eyes. _Wha…?_ She blinked and looked around the room. _Why'm I…?_ She yawned wide enough to crack her jaw. "Sonofa…" Rubbing her face, she slowly sat up in the bed and registered her surroundings: Jess' room. _Now why the hell…_She got up and padded to the bathroom. On the way, she saw her own open bedroom door.

"Shit."

Ten minutes later, after finishing her pre-shower bathroom routine, she picked up the phone.

"Get your ass over here. **Right. Now.**"

Having gotten that off her chest, she set her jaw and took the elastic from around her wrist and put up her hair. It was time to get down to business.

……….

"This is _not_ how I wanted to spend my day off." Lindsay huffed as she blew a stray lock from her face. "If I had come up with a list of, say, the top ten ways in which I would spend my day off, _this_ would be nowhere on that list." She removed a layer of cellophane from her teddy bear. "If a radio interviewer had stopped me on the street and _asked_ me if I would ever, _ever_ want to spend my day off doing _this_," she continued as she replaced her bear on her bed and moved to strip the plastic off her pillow, "I would have said a resounding **no**." She wadded the plastic into a tight ball in her fist. "If…"

"I **get** it, already!" Jess fumed. "_I'm_ not the one who wrapped every item you own in plastic wrap!" She threw her wad of plastic at Linds, watching in dissatisfaction as it drifted to the floor a good three feet from its target.

"No, you're just the one who gave them the _keys!_" Lindsay threw her own ball back at Jess and sighed when it also settled to the floor halfway between them. "Damnit, that stuff _really_ needs to be more aerodynamic."

"Or at least less air resistant."

The two women looked at each other and matching grins of mischief grew on their faces.

……………..

"Jess?" Hawkes called as he entered the girls' apartment. "You here?" He peered into the kitchen to find it empty. He thought he heard faint sounds of jubilation, but all he could see was a hallway full of plastic wrap. Walking carefully down the corridor, he peeked cautiously into his coworker's room.

Lindsay and Jess were out on the fire escape, jumping up and down and talking animatedly. They were pointing at something, but he couldn't see what it was, so he approached the window. He was right at the glass by the time he could make out a little clear parachute holding up a similarly translucent basket with what appeared to be a tiny person inside it. It was plummeting to the ground in exactly the way a brick wouldn't.

"Uhh… what are you guys doing?" he asked, fully aware of what inquisitiveness could do to felines.

"Shel!" Jess greeted him enthusiastically, throwing herself back over the window ledge in order to give him a hug. "We're making plastic wrap parachutes!" She pointed to their latest attempt which was settling nicely into the branches of a tree out front. "Isn't it _awesome?_"

Sheldon laughed good naturedly, "Moderately awesome, yes…but weren't you going to help me empty my apartment of packing peanuts?"

Jess pouted adorably, "Yeeesss…" she admitted, "but isn't this so much more _fun_?"

They both turned at the sound of Lindsay shouting in triumph, "Take **that**, if you're any good!"

"_Good,_" Jess shot back derisively. "I'm **great!**"

Both women paused for a moment, each one mentally daring the other to go there.

"Alright, Tony, but just _one_ more," Sheldon grinned. The twin glares directed at him should have been enough to make him burst into flames, but he brushed them off. "Oh I _went_ there, alright."

The look the women exchanged made it clear that the next person to go out with a plastic wrap parachute _wasn't_ going to be Lego.


	103. Danger Will Robinson!

Chapter 103: Danger Will Robinson

**Chapter 103: Danger Will Robinson!**

"It was nice of you to give our guys the day off, today," Stella observed in a slightly dangerous tone of voice. "But why was it again that _we_ had to come in?" She blew her hair out of her face and shuffled through the stack of reports on her desk.

Mac suppressed a wry grin, knowing that if she thought he was at all amused, she'd probably break out that water pistol again. "Two reasons," he replied in his usual clipped tones. "_One_, I had to be here because I've been out of town and I need to catch up on the paperwork," he paused as Stella snorted mildly. "That accumulated in my absence." He raised an eyebrow at her, and she nodded in apology. Paperwork was one thing they'd _never_ agree on.

"And the second reason?" she asked with a sigh, expecting some other dull reason.

"Do you _really_ want those guys to be able to find us somewhere where we _aren't_ surrounded by cops?"

She considered that for almost a full second.

"Good point."

…………………..

Lindsay sighed as she looked around her room. Most of the plastic had been removed from her possessions, but what hadn't ended up out the window was still all over her floor. _At least Jess and Hawkes are getting the stuff from the lawn._ She sighed again and half-heartedly reached down to pick up an extra long piece of plastic that had been used to cover her bed from head to foot. _Heh. I've got enough here, I could…_ Her eyes widened and a naughty grin spread across her features. _Ohhh yeah, baby._

…………………

Jess stood outside of Hawkes' apartment, holding a large garbage bag. It was her third of the day, so far.

"How did they even _find_ this much packing material?" Hawkes asked for about the 50th time as he poured yet another shovel of foam peanuts into the bag.

"Mac has his ways," Jess replied. She didn't know if he actually did or not, but the phrase sounded interesting and mysterious. She wondered if waggling her fingers in a spooky fashion would be too over-the-top. She'd have to try that the next time he asked that question. "Y'know Shel, if you used cloth bags instead of plastic ones, you could sew them up afterwards and have a bunch of beanbag chairs."

"Yes, dear" He replied distractedly. That seemed to be the living room and kitchen mostly done. Now he could look in and see what kind of damage had been done to his bedroom.

"You're already doing the 'Yes, dear' thing?" Jess pouted. "We aren't even married yet!" She crossed her arms, "Are you whipped, or are you just bored with me?"

Sheldon's eyes opened wider. Danger Will Robinson! "Neither, sweetie!" he tried in a placating manner. That just made her look more pissed. "And if my bedroom weren't currently a danger zone, I'd take you in there and prove it!" Sex usually distracted her fairly well.

"Since when do we need a bedroom?" Jess asked mischievously. She loved how easy it was to make him suggest sex. All she had to do was look the least bit annoyed, and he tried to distract her in the most delicious ways.

Hawkes looked appraisingly at the coffee table. "Looks pretty sturdy to me…"

"Last time I was here, I jumped up and down on it to make sure."

"God, I love you!"

…………………

"Hey, could you get that for me, man?" Danny asked as he flipped eggs over in the frying pan. Nothing was better for a hangover than fried eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, and pancakes. _Wonder if I got any potatoes left?_

"Sure thing," Flack called back to the kitchen as he tossed the remote on the couch and stood up to answer the door. Peering through the peephole, he grinned. Of course it'd be Linds. He drew back the deadbolts and locks and opened the door. "Hey Li..aaaah! Shit!" He staggered back, covering his eyes and shaking his head. "Shit! Fuck! Sorry!" He fell backwards over the hall table where Danny kept his keys and mail.

"What the fuck, man?" Danny called out in consternation, coming in from the kitchen. He was greeted by the sight of Don lying flat out on the floor, surrounded by junk mail, still covering his eyes but also trying to massage the pain out of his ass. Lindsay stood in the doorway looking somewhat like a tomato and clutching her raincoat closed.

"I swear, I didn't see _nothin'_!" Flack shouted.

"What're ya talkin' 'bout, man?" Danny looked over at Lindsay. _Little help, here?_

Lindsay, still blushing, sheepishly pulled open her raincoat. She was wearing nothing but cellophane. She bit her lip and shrugged in apology. "Oops?"


	104. Picking Up

**Author's Note:** No, I'm not dead, and no, I can't believe I'm resurrecting this fic. I've been itching to write _something_ for the last few days, and this is the most fun I can remember having while writing anything. As a result… well, here you go. Oh, and if you read through all 100+ chapters to get here, I wish I could give you a gold star. Or a cookie.

I'm starting this with a chunk from the last chapter, just so you know what the hell I'm talking about. And even then… yeah.

**Chapter 104: Picking up Where we Left Off**

"You're already doing the 'Yes, dear' thing?" Jess pouted. "We aren't even married yet!" She crossed her arms, "Are you whipped, or are you just bored with me?"

Sheldon's eyes opened wider. Danger Will Robinson! "Neither, sweetie!" he tried in a placating manner. That just made her look more pissed. "And if my bedroom weren't currently a danger zone, I'd take you in there and prove it!" Sex usually distracted her fairly well.

"Since when do we need a bedroom?" Jess asked mischievously. She loved how easy it was to make him suggest sex. All she had to do was look the least bit annoyed, and he tried to distract her in the most delicious ways.

Hawkes looked appraisingly at the coffee table. "Looks pretty sturdy to me…"

"Last time I was here, I jumped up and down on it to make sure."

"God, I love you!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty freakin' lovable," she grinned, reaching down to pull her shirt over her head.

"You can say _that_ again," Sheldon nodded appreciatively. Then, he winced.

"Yeah, I'm pretty freakin' lovable."

Hawkes sighed. "It's a good thing you are, sweetcheeks," he grinned. "Because jokes like that would be grounds for a breakup otherwise." He quickly ducked as her shirt was thrown at his head. "I'm just saying!" he spread his hands in mock surrender.

"For that," Jess retorted, undoing her fly and yanking her pants down her legs, "I require abject adoration or else no sex for a week!"

He looked her up and down, once more counting himself lucky to have her as his soon-to-be wife. Still, he couldn't help pushing his luck. "I really don't think you could hold out that long," he chuckled. Pulling off his own shirt blocked his view, so he didn't see the dangerous glint in her eyes.

"Oh really?" she asked, steel in her voice.

He was concentrating on his belt and missed that too. "C'mon!" he chided. "When is the last time we went more than three days?" He unzipped his pants and dropped them to the ground, stepping out of the legs. "And even then, it was only that long because our schedules didn't line up because of your exams." He looked up at his fiancé, expecting to see her smiling and even more naked than the last time he'd looked.

Instead, she was re-buttoning her pants and grabbing her jacket. Her shirt had landed behind him when he'd ducked, and she didn't want to walk past him in case she punched him on the way. Men. "Well, we'll just _see_ about that, shall we?"

"What?" Hawkes looked completely confused. What had happened? They were going to have sex on his coffee table, weren't they?

"We'll see which one of us can last longer without sex," Jess stated, zipping up her jacket. "First one to cave, loses."

Oh boy. He'd really stuck his foot in it. "This is a bet?" he asked, hoping against hope.

"This is a bet," she confirmed.

"Great," he sighed. "Just great."

…

Danny ushered his mostly-naked girlfriend through his apartment and into his now-magenta bedroom. She looked around in bemusement and sat on the bed. _I guess shrink-wrapped possessions __**aren't**__ the worst punishment I could have received._

Danny, meanwhile, went back into the kitchen and turned off the burner, removing the frying pan from the heat. He was breathing deeply and concentrating hard. _Don't want the food to burn. Might set off the fire alarm. Guess I don't have to worry about Montana's "fireman" showing up, but I don't need any other witnesses crowding the scene._ Satisfied that nothing was going to burn into flames, he turned towards the hallway to murder his best friend.

Don was standing up now, still rubbing his hindquarters, and trying to get the mail and things back onto the table he'd knocked over. When he saw Danny out of the corner of his eye, he turned towards him, hands up in the universal 'don't shoot' pose. "I _swear_ man, I didn't see nothin'! Really!"

"You saw enough to know that you need to tell me didn't see nothin'!" Danny retorted. _Did that make sense?_ He mentally replayed the sentence. _Good._ "So, what didja see?" He had a feeling that vein in his forehead was throbbing pretty bad just now. _My dentist is gonna __**kill**__ me for grindin' my teeth like this._

"Nothin'!" Flack repeated, mesmerized by the way the vein in Danny's forehead seemed to be jumping up and down. "Nothin' important!" _Shit._

"Aha!" Danny shouted, pointing triumphantly. "So you saw _somethin'!_" _Shit. I really don't wanna hafta punch the guy, but…_

"Oh, calm down both of you," Lindsay sighed, rolling her eyes. _So Flack saw me pretty much naked. So what?_ "If he _did_ see anything, it was for about a half a second, Danny." _He probably couldn't see much through my full-body blush, anyway._

Flack grasped at the idea like it was a lifeline. It probably was. "Yeah, Dann-o! Half a second!" He flinched when his friend glared at him again. "If that!"

Danny turned once more to regard his girlfriend. She'd changed into one of his shirts and a pair of his boxer shorts, and she looked so small in them it was ridiculous. And hot. _Dang, Montana. And I thought you looked good in __**your**__ underwear. I could get used to that._ "Alright, alright," he shrugged. _If she ain't mad, I guess I can't be, either._ "But you're helpin' me repaint this place," he ordered, a threat still in his voice, "And you ain't doin' no crappy job of it, neither." _There. I told __**him**__._

Lindsay looked around her innocently. "You're planning on painting?" _The lovely shades of pink you've been subjected to aren't to your liking, Messer? Really?_

"Hardy-har-har." _She's a real laugh riot, this one. No wonder I keep her around. _"Shut up and get in the kitchen. Breakfast's done."

…

Mac hung up the phone and looked over at Stella. "Dead body at the Museum of Science," he answered her unspoken question. "Looks like we're going to have to see our coworkers sooner rather than later."

"Think we should wear vests?" Stella asked, only half-joking.

They looked at each other for a moment, each silently considering the chances of their colleagues deciding on a violent form of revenge. "Nah," they simultaneously concluded.

"All the same," Mac continued as he grabbed a kit and held the door for Stella. "I don't think I'll be eating anything around the lab for a while."

"Just in case?"

"Just in case."


	105. Making Up

**Chapter 105: Making Up**

Lindsay made it home before her beeper went off. _Great. Just great. Most of my clothes are still saran wrapped. _Flack had given her a ride in his squad car (after hearing a long lecture from Danny about what would happen to him if there was any 'funny business' along the way), so she was still wearing Danny's clothes. _I definitely can't go to work in __**this**__. We've started enough rumours already._

Sighing to herself, she raided her roommate's closet. _What am I going to do when Jess moves out? _She picked out a pink sweater that she'd borrowed before. _I'm gonna need to do a __**lot**__ of shopping._ She looked briefly at the pants, but they were way too long for her petite frame. _Of course, I could always try finding another roommate… one more my size. _She headed back to her own room and grabbed a pair of pants from the top of the pile she'd made of the contents of her closet. _On the one hand, I __**really**__ want to get back them for this_. She looked around at her half-unwrapped room. _On the other hand, I __**fear**_ _what they might do if I try._

Grabbing Jess' jacket off the hook by the door, she left to go to her crime scene.

…

"… And now it's some sort of bet," Sheldon concluded. He looked over at his fiancé's roommate in desperation. "What do you think I should do?"

"Cave." _Duh. _

"What?" Hawkes' face was a study in confusion.

"Cave." _Seriously, Hawkes. This isn't rocket science._ Seeing his expression remaining the same, Lindsay expanded on the idea. "Look, she got upset because you made it sound like she's some sort of nymphomaniac," she patiently explained. _And considering your history and the whole Mission Impossible thing, I can see why you might have that impression._ "Girls don't really like that." _Once again: duh._

"I don't think that!" Hawkes protested.

_Oh honey. _"Then. Tell. Her. That." _It's like talking to a child, sometimes. It really is._

He thought to himself for a moment, his expression getting increasingly worried. "She really thinks I think that?"

_Men._ "I haven't talked to her about this, but I'm guessing so, yes."

"Do you think you could?" He looked hopeful. "Talk to her, I mean?"

"Shh," she warned him. Mac approached to tell them about the crime scene. Three wary looks were exchanged between them. _You've won this round, Taylor_, Lindsay thought. _But I'm not down for the count._ They nodded at each other, acknowledging that professionalism called for them to concentrate on their case.

"Stella's searching for the murder site," Mac explained. "I'll check the employee records, see who's missing, who had access to the building. Hawkes, you're on the body. The beetles have already eaten half our evidence."

"Don't worry," Sheldon replied. "Hammerbach and I will get creative."

He turned to the woman he was sure had been the mastermind behind that little closet stunt. "Lindsay, put your affinity for bugs to work." Just because they had an unspoken truce didn't mean she didn't deserve a little gentle teasing.

_Alright, I guess I deserved that one. _"I don't actually have an affinity for bugs," she smiled. _Mac's cracking jokes. Maybe he's not as mad as I thought._

"The beetles were the first on the scene," Mac continued, "We need to know what they know." He took half a step away, then put his weight back on his other foot and pointed to his newest CSI. "And no eating them!" he warned her, barely cracking a smile.

Hawkes grinned as their boss walked away.

Lindsay turned and looked at him with amusement. "Yuck it up, no-sex boy." _And to think, I was going to help him._ She walked away as his mouth dropped open. _Yup. Consider me Team Jess. _

…

Danny met Flack at the scene.

"Oh, they sent out the big guns," Flack joked. Over breakfast, Danny had treated him to the 'gun show' (aka an up-close-and-personal view of his flexing biceps) and made it clear what would happen if he tried to see his girlfriend naked again.

_Ha ha. This from a guy with no furniture. _"Nice suit." _He hates havin' to wear the same one two days in a row._

"If I had your shoes, I'd be set."

_Still not tellin' y'about that shop on East 3__rd__._ _You can pay full price for your Italian loafers until such time as I'm sure you didn't see nothin'._

They worked around each other for a while, Flack looking apologetic and Danny not looking at him at all. Finally, they sent the stiff off to the morgue and were on their way back to the precinct.

"Look," Flack started.

"Don't worry about it," Danny interrupted. _Man, he really thinks I'm pissed, don't he?_

"But…"

_I guess I __**was**__, but… _"But nothin'. We're good." _Dude's your best friend. He's got his own girl. He ain't hittin' on yours._

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Danny nodded, finally looking over to his friend. "Besides, if I _really_ wanted to get back atcha, I'd just tell Sarah."

Flack's smile drained off his face leaving behind a look akin to that of a deer peering at headlights.

_And __**now**__ I feel better. _Danny whistled and looked back out the window as Flack drove on in strangled silence.

…..

Danny went down to post and smiled when he saw Lindsay already there with a vic of her own. Then he saw the vic. _Ew. That's just nasty._

"What? You run outta bug spray?" _Where'd she dig this chick up?_

_What a tough guy. Grossed out by bugs. _"Dermestic tissue removal." _It's kind of adorable, actually. _

"Museum vic," Danny read off the chart. _Mac and Stella, eh? That's gotta be fun._ "So, are you participating in that investigation, or is this just a forensic peepshow?" _Y'know, like the one you gave Flack this mornin'._

_I am never going to live that down, am I?_ Lindsay laughed in answer, "Hammerbach couldn't determine the cause of death, so he needed to de-flesh the vic."

"Using the bugs." _I think I read about this in a journal paper last month. _

_It was in the Journal of Forensic Sciences last month. I pointed it out to you, remember?_ "Yeah, they're better at tissue removal at this stage, and they're cleaner. Plus, they don't destroy potential evidence." She looked over her shoulder at the pathologist behind them. When she saw that he wasn't looking, she took the opportunity to give Danny's ass a quick squeeze. _Don't look at me all flirty like that and make sexual innuendos if you aren't prepared for a little inappropriate workplace touching in return._

_Dang, Montana. Sid's right there!_ "Don't eat em'" he warned, turning towards the pathologist and letting his left hand wander over her hip for a moment. _But if he wasn't…_

"You're a little late on that one," Lindsay smiled, referring not only to his joke but also his touch. She'd seen Sid move closer and pay attention.

_And don't I wish I wasn't. _"Still doesn't mean it's not funny" he grinned, arms spread before turning to his own vic and talking to the doc.

_I can't believe we flirt over dead bodies. How weird a couple are we? _She couldn't keep the wide smile from covering her face as she turned back to the dead woman in front of her. _Weird, and pretty great._


	106. Say Cheese!

**Chapter 106: Say Cheese!**

Lindsay entered her apartment with a plastic bag in each hand. She put them down momentarily to remove her jacket, then walked right into the living room with them and sat down on the couch next to her roommate.

_She __**looks**__ calm enough, but you never know. _"I figured I'd cover my bases." She put the first bag on the coffee table and emptied its contents: ice cream, cookies, and gummy bears. "This is for if you're actually really upset with Hawkes."

She put the second bag on the table and pulled out the takeout containers, opening each one in turn: gyoza, California rolls, tempura, and salmon maki. "This is for if you're just messing with him."

She looked over at her friend. _Damn, she's good. I have no idea which it is._ "Well?"

….

Flack took a deep breath and walked purposefully into Mac's office. "Mac," he nodded at the older man.

Mac looked up from the paperwork he never seemed to finish doing. "Can I help you, Detective?" he asked mildly.

Flack ground his teeth a few times, his hands clenching slightly at his sides. He hated that he had to _ask_. "You're gonna make me say it, ain't you?"

Mac leaned back and rested his elbows on the arms of his chair, steepling his fingers in front of his face. All he was missing was the fluffy white cat on his lap and he'd look like the perfect evil mastermind. "Say what?" he asked, not looking at all confused.

Fists clenched and teeth ground a few more times as Flack stared right over Mac's head, cursing him silently and mentally weighing the odds that he'd be able to figure it out on his own. The odds were decent… as long as he didn't mind having to wait. He couldn't do another night of couch surfing at Danny's, though. Not after this morning.

Sighing in resignation, he finally gave in. "Mac, where the hell didja hide my damned furniture?"

Mac grinned over his fingers, looking even more evil than he had a moment before. This was fun.

….

Jess looked over at her roommate and grinned. "I'm totally just messing with him," she admitted.

_Thought so._ "Poor guy," Lindsay sighed, a concerned look on her face. It lasted almost a full second before she cracked up. "You're _evil_, you know that?" _I'll have to remember that the next time Danny's getting too cocky._

Jess preened proudly before reaching for one of her beloved gyoza. "I know." She popped it in her mouth and smiled even as she chewed.

Lindsay grabbed the ice cream to put in the freezer. "So, was it because he pretty much called you a nympho?" she called over her shoulder on her way to the kitchen.

"Nah," Jess called back. "I pretty much _am_ when it comes to him."

_Trust me when I say that's not news. _Lindsay shuddered slightly at the memory of some of the things she'd seen and heard in the time those two had been together. _Still, she's seen and heard at least as much from me, so…_ "So… what then?"

"He just seemed really cocky is all," Jess explained, getting comfortable in the corner of their couch. "Like he was God's gift or something." The gyoza container was resting on her lap, and Lindsay realized that she wasn't going to get any of the dumplings. "And, I mean, it's not like he _isn't_ because **wow** can he ever…" she trailed off as she realized that Lindsay probably didn't need to hear the details of how talented a lover Sheldon Hawkes was. "Anyway, I just wanted him to know that I can quit him, cold turkey, any time I want to." Her leg jiggled a bit underneath her and her teeth worried at her lower lip.

_I recognize those signs._ "You're jonesing pretty bad right now, aren't you?"

"He was almost naked!" Jess wailed, throwing her hands up in a combination of frustration and despair. "Do you know how **good** he looks naked?" She looked at her friend with wide eyes.

"Actually, no…" _But now that I think about it… No! Bad Lindsay!_

"And I'd spent like half a day watching him lift heavy things and move furniture." Jess' eyes got a faraway look to them as she remembered the way his muscles had moved under his clothes and how cute his butt looked in his jeans.

_I wonder if I could get Danny to help me move if I have to get a new apartment… _"Oh yeah, I totally get that." _He'd pretty much __**have**__ to help me, right? I mean, he's my boyfriend now and all. _She got her own faraway look as she imagined those wonderful arms carrying heavy boxes. _And we'd have all new rooms to have sex in. And if I didn't have a roommate, we could… _

"Sorry? What was that?"

"You were just having a Danny fantasy about him moving furniture, weren't you?"

"Can you blame me?"

"Nope."

…..

_I should know better than to be surprised by Mac at this point._ Danny looked in the open door of the warehouse by the docks. It was full of shipping containers, one of which apparently contained Flack's furniture. "Which one?"

Don looked at a page in his notebook. "PSSU 210948 G1."

_Seriously? _"Yeah, I'm not gonna remember that."

"Why'd ya think I had to write it down?" Flack nodded his head in the direction of the interior and led the way inside. "Apparently, it's blue."

Danny scanned the rows and rows of containers. "Blue, huh." He could see at least two dozen blue containers from where he was. "That's helpful." _Wonder if it's too late to pretend to be mad at him again._

"No shit, huh." Flat tore a page out of his notebook and copied the number down on it before passing it to his friend. "You take that side, I'll take this."

"Sure. Make it go faster." _That way, we'll find it in a couple weeks instead of a month._ He got out his cellphone as he wandered over to the other side of the warehouse. _Better warn Montana that our plans for the night might not work out._

….

"How come?" Lindsay tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice. _Honestly, woman. One night away from the guy won't hurt you. Show a little willpower, already._

Jess watched her, trying to guess what the other side of the conversation might be about. Whatever it was, it didn't sound case related.

"Really?" _Wow. I really __**did**__ get off easy with that plastic wrap thing. _"And you found it?" _They must have asked Mac where it was. No way they found it that quickly on their own._ "Ah, I thought so."

Jess started taking mental guesses as to what had been found: a pot of gold; the fountain of youth; the one ring of Sauron; her mind (since she'd obviously lost her senses).

"So what's your plan?" _Probably rent a semi to drive the container back to Flack's place, then spend the night unloading… all of that… furniture…_? "Actually, you know what? Where are you guys?"

Jess started counting how many gummy bears there were in the bag. Anything to get her mind off the fact that she'd told Sheldon they wouldn't be having sex again until he caved. What had she been thinking? Suddenly, her arm was grabbed by her roommate and she was dragged bodily off of the couch.

"What the…"

"We're going to go help Danny and Hawkes help Flack move his furniture." Lindsay couldn't help waggling her eyebrows as she said it. _God help me, I am a weak, weak woman in love with a hot, hot man._

"Just a sec. I need to grab my camera."

"I love the way you think."


	107. Really Bad Coffee

**Author's Note:** If you've started reading this story from my most recent updates (chapters 104 onward), you might not know that it's got a companion fic. It's called Naughty Bits, and it's the M-rated chapters of this story. The most recent naughty bit is about Mac and Stella (but they weren't cooperating when I was writing them, so it didn't end up nearly as naughty as the other bits). All of that is just to let you know that Mac and Stella have a conversation that might be better with that context.

**Chapter 107: Really Bad Coffee  
**

"That it?" _Please God let that be it._ Danny looked around his friend's seemingly crowded living room at all of Don Flack's furniture piled up on itself. _It's a one bedroom apartment. How the hell did he fit all this in here?_

Flack looked around the room attempting to catalogue his possessions. "I have no fuckin' clue, man, but I sure as hell hope so." He flopped down on the floor between his banged up old recliner and a pile of boxes that had felt like they were full of cement.

Lindsay and Jess manoeuvered their way through the doorway carrying a coffee table that had been awkward coming up the stairs. _It's not heavy, they said. Let the girls carry it, they said._ Lindsay blew a stray curl out of her face. _Sure, it's not heavy… until you carry it up __**six freakin' flights of stairs**__. _"Tell me again why we couldn't just put this in the elevator with the boxes?"

"Yeah," Jess chimed in, massaging the feeling back into her arms after placing the coffee table on the floor. "It looked like there was plenty of room in there."

Danny and Don shared a significant look. "Uh…" _Think fast, Messer._

Hawkes chuckled as he made his way down the hallway. "Think they've learned their less…" He coughed awkwardly. "Heyyy, honey!" He moved with open arms over to his fiancé.

Jess stopped him short with a hand pushed out in front of her. "Hold it, Romeo." She crossed her arms on her chest and gave him a very unimpressed look. "_Who_ learned _what_ lesson, exactly?"

Hawkes looked desperately to his male companions. "Uh…" his eyes darted to his increasingly angered fiancé. "Um…" his eyes shifted to take in her even more pissed-looking roommate. "I…" he gulped. "You know, I think _Don_ probably has more information on that," he nodded firmly, placing his hands on his hips and moving to stand behind Jess.

Don's eyes bugged out slightly. "Me?!" he shouted, panicking slightly.

"What about you?" Sarah walked in carrying a lamp in one hand and a nearly-dead cactus in the other. She made a mental note not to give her boyfriend anything living. Ever. She looked up from the succulent and immediately felt the tension in the room. With a sigh and an eyeroll she regarded the recumbent detective. "Oh, Don. What did you do, now?"

His brilliant blue eyes opened wide in an expression of mute innocence. When she didn't buy that, he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder to the man who was trying his best to shuffle nonchalantly out of the room. "It was Dan's idea."

_Shit. So close._ "Heh." He licked his lips nervously and bounced on his feet a moment. _Alright, Messer, let's dig ourselves outta this one. _"See, the thing is…" He attempted to avoid Lindsay's eyes, only to meet Jess's glare, Sarah's flat look, Sheldon's apologetic facial shrug, and Don's mischievous grin. Finally his eyes rested on Lindsay's face. He gulped. _Or I could run. Running is also a good option._ He turned and put on a burst of speed down the hallway, his friends all running after him.

...

Stella quietly approached Mac as he watched the sleeping young boy in the hospital bed on the other side of the glass. She put a gentle hand on his shoulder and smiled when he turned to her.

"Let him sleep it off," she advised, stroking her hand down Mac's arm.

Mac nodded in agreement but couldn't help looking back towards the little boy he'd found hiding out in the museum. "I know I should, but…"

"The hospital will call the minute he wakes up."

Mac nodded again, but didn't make any move to leave.

Stella smiled to herself as she watched his profile. Being protective of children was one of those noble traits of his that she would never tire of. "Alright, let's just grab a coffee in the cafeteria, then." Her grin widened and she slid her hand down to grab his.

He smiled back ruefully and squeezed her hand. "Thanks."

"Thanks, nothing," Stella laughed. "You're buying."

...

_Stupid window locks_. Danny struggled beneath the combined weights of three women while his two 'friends' looked on and laughed. "That's right, fellas," he yelled at them. "Yuck it up!" _With friends like that, I'm better off just punchin' myself in the face._

...

Mac cleared his throat and fiddled with his coffee cup. It wasn't particularly good coffee. In fact, it was worse than the stuff they had down in the morgue (which always somehow tasted like formaldehyde), but that wasn't the problem. He looked up at his companion, studying her face.

"What?" she asked, hand moving up to her cheek. "Do I have something on my face?"

He'd been thinking it for almost three days now. He had to ask. "Why did you laugh like that?"

Stella's brows creased in confusion, "I wasn't laughing."

"No," he elaborated, "In your apartment the other night. When we were…"

"Oh!" she interrupted, eyes wide.

...

"Lil help here, Montana?" Danny asked over his shoulder. He was balancing precariously on a chair and attempting to replace a heavy painting on the wall. _I dunno why __**I**__ gotta do this and __**she**__ don't… just cuz I had a little fun with her._

_Mmmm. Perfect!_ Lindsay snapped a picture with her cellphone. "Sorry, what?" she grinned up at him.

_The fuck?_ "You just take a picture of me like this?" he demanded, hanging the picture on the hook without caring how crooked it was and jumping down off the chair.

Lindsay nodded, attempting to keep a straight face. "Yup." _Can you blame me? With your muscles all straining and your butt right there…_

"Gimme the phone," he held out his hand. _I don't need no more pics of me on the bulletin board at work._

"Nuh-uh" she shook her head. _No way are you deleting that delicious picture._

He approached her slowly, hand still out. "C'mon, Montana," he wheedled. _Just a little closer…_

_You think I don't see what you're doing?_ "Not happening, Messer," she grinned back, dropping her phone down her shirt.

Danny grinned wolfishly at her. _Oh, Montana._ "You really think that'll stop me at all?"

"Nope," she smirked. _Good thing I've already sent that pic to Jess._ "But it might slow you down a bit."

"Oh, ya think so?" _And here I thought she knew me._ He stepped a bit closer.

"Mmhmm," she licked her lips and closed the gap between them. _He's so cute when he thinks he's winning._

Their lips were only a few inches apart when the joyous scream erupted from the living room.

_What the…?_ Danny looked up in consternation. "The hell was that?"

Lindsay grabbed him behind the neck with a triumphant smile on her face. "I think Jess just got that photo text I sent her." _And Monroe wins again!_ Still smiling, she pulled her boyfriend's surprised face down for a kiss.

...

Stella bit her lip and wished she had something to do as a distraction other than drink the coffee in front of her. Finally, she looked up at the man sitting across from her. "Honestly?"

Mac's mouth turned up ruefully. "I don't know. Do you think I can take it?"

She pursed her lips and regarded him carefully, sizing him up. "I _think_ so."

His eyebrows raised in surprise and he sat back in his seat. "_I_ think I'm glad I'm sitting down already."

"It's nothing _bad_," she assured him. "It's just…" she hesistated. Glancing quickly down at her cup again, she took a deep breath. "It's _you_."

He shook his head slightly, chuckling. "Can you get to the part where it's not bad? I think I might have missed it."

"That's not what I meant!" Stella laughed softly in spite of herself. "I just meant… Well, it was a bit… overwhelming for me."

"Overwhelming?" Mac's eyebrows drew together in concern. "Did I pressure you or push you too far?"

Her hands came up in quick reassurance, "No! Not at all!" She smoothed them across the table and breathed deeply in an attempt to gather her thoughts. "I'm not saying this very well am I?" She smiled brightly at him and his heart almost skipped a beat. "I laughed because I felt… _relieved_."

"Relieved?"

"That after all of this time…"

"… it was actually happening?"

"Yeah."

Mac nodded, finished his horrible coffee and tossed the cup in the garbage. "Then hopefully next time you'll be able to keep a straight face."

"One way to find out."


	108. Tee Time

**Chapter 108: Tee Time**

Stella watched Mac as he interacted with their scared young witness. The little boy seemed to have taken a liking to the former Marine and was pointing out pictures to him in his comic book.

_Why's she standing in the middle of the hall… ohh._ Lindsay came to a stop next to Stella and saw where the older woman's eyes were focussed. "Under the heading 'Things I Never Thought I'd See'…" she whispered to her.

Stella gave her a small facial shrug and went back to looking at the rather odd pair in front of them. "Let's just hope Sam is telling Mac something that can help us."

_He looks like he'd make a pretty great Dad. _Lindsay looked sidelong at the other woman, trying to decide if she should voice her thoughts. _Better not. _"You know Mac," she joked instead. "He can get anybody to spill the beans."

Stella joined her in her laughter. "And if he can't, there's always his psychic powers to fall back on."

_Don't remind me! _"The man is downright scary," she shuddered.

"I dunno," Stella's voice was thoughtful. "I think he's just a big pussy cat."

_Riiiight. Like that tiger at the Bronx Zoo._

…

"Friend of Bill…" Danny muttered under his breath. "More like son of a -"

"Hi," Lindsay waved coming up to him. _Uhoh. Someone looks like he's in a bad mood. _"What's up?"

_Why's she always looks so good, huh?_ "Nothin'. Just the case." He gestured down at the evidence in front of him: photos of various members of the Five Boroughs Golfers, a golf ball with the initials FOB, a can of foam insulation that had been fingerprinted. He was packing everything away in carefully sealed bags and boxes.

"Yeah, I heard." _Seriously? Murder over golf? "_What's next? Killing someone over the weather?" She sighed. "Mine wasn't that great, either.

"No kiddin'. Talk about a deadbeat Dad," Danny shook his head in wonder. _Some days, this job just gets to ya. _"At least that one had a happy endin' for someone."

Lindsay nodded, handing him an evidence bag for the insulation. They worked quietly for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.

_Fuck this shit._ "Y'know what, Montana?"

"What, Messer?"

"Let's go golfin'."

"What? Seriously?"

…

"Are you _sure_ you really want to do this?" Jess asked, concern written all over her face. "It's not too late to back out, you know."

Sheldon smiled with a confidence he didn't feel and grabbed her hand firmly in his own. "I'm sure." He nodded towards the restaurant. "Let's not keep your folks waiting."

She bit her lip nervously and kept her feet planted, even as he walked forward. "Really? Not even for just a little bit?"

"_Jessica…"_

"_Fine._"

…

"This," Lindsay looked around her as she and Danny waited for their tee time. "This is not what I was expecting." She glanced sideways at her partner. _Twice in one day I'm shocked by the men I work with. How about that?_

Danny spread his arms expansively, gesturing to take in the entire establishment. "Ya don't like it?" _C'mon! This place is great!_

Lindsay couldn't help but laugh at the look of childish glee on his face. _Danny Messer, 8 year old._ "I love it! I just never would have expected this from you in a million years." She grabbed a score sheet and pencil while Danny grabbed a couple of clubs. Then, she reached into a couple of recesses and grabbed two different coloured balls.

"What? You don't think I like mini golf?" _High score at Kyle Burman's 10__th__ birthday party, thank you very much._ "After you, Miss Monroe," he bowed genteely. It was their turn to tee off.

"Why thank you, Mr. Messer," she curtseyed awkwardly with her hands full. _Note to self: never do that again._ "Oops, I think I dropped your ball." She tried to hide her grin as her boyfriend bent over to pick it up.

Danny rolled his tongue around his mouth and looked at her over the tops of her glasses. _Don't give her the satisfaction, man._ "Pink." His eyes narrowed, then relaxed as he gave her a wide smile. "My favourite colour." _Looks like I got another volunteer to help me repaint my apartment._

…

"You're a what?" Major McKinney asked Sheldon for the third time.

"A CSI. A Crime Scene Investigator." Sheldon repeated patiently. "I go to crime scenes and collect evidence to catch criminals."

"So, you're a cop," the Major confirmed.

"That's right."

Jess' mother suddenly looked worried. "Isn't that dangerous, in New York?" she asked apprehensively.

"Don't worry, Mom," Jess reassured her. "Shel's there _after_ all the shooting is over."

Betty looked relieved. The Major on the other hand, merely grunted, "Humph."

Betty looked over at her husband and saw that being out of the line of fire wasn't the plus for him that it was for her. "So Sheldon, Jessie was telling us you're a doctor. How do you go from being a doctor to being a C.. I… An S.. C… A police officer?"

Sheldon took a large swallow of his wine and exchanged a glance with his fiancé. He'd been dreading that question. It didn't usually go well.

"Well, actually, I was already working with the police department," he began.

"You were?"

He reached for his glass again but retracted his hand under the withering gaze of the Major. "Um. Yes." He coughed slightly, "I was a… uh…" He took a deep breath. "I was a coroner." He held it in, waiting for one of the inevitable reactions: revulsion, fear, or morbid curiosity.

The Major gave him a long stare, sizing him up. Then with a nod of seeming respect, he reached across the table and refilled Sheldon's wine glass.

…

"Yes! Hole in one!" Lindsay jumped up and down in excitement. _Finally!_ "Eat it, Messer!"

Danny watched her jump and tried not to laugh. _Just keep talkin', Montana._ "You're talkin' pretty big for a chick who's losin' so bad." He swaggered over to the tee and placed the fluorescent pink ball down on the astroturf.

Lindsay picked her ball out of the hole, wiggling her butt in his direction. "Shut up and putt, funny boy." _This really is way too much fun. I'm totally going to have to drag Jess her sometime._

_And there it is!_ "Swish! I believe that brings the score to 23 to 37… for _me_!" Danny grinned at her, reaching out to put a hand around her waist.

Lindsay rolled her eyes but kissed him anyway. "Y'know, Messer," she scolded, slapping him on the ass as she did so, "It's a good thing you're cute." _And you have a nice butt, too._

"Cute?" Danny waggled his eyebrows at her. "Y'mean I ain't _hot_?" He struck a comedic pose, hands behind his head and hips thrust forward. _Oh yeah. Give the lady what she wants._

She snorted at his antics. "Normally, I'd say yes… but right now?" _Still yes._


End file.
